Chapter 5
Baby is 6 months old.
"Darling… Dearest… Love of my… afterlife?" Daniel pleaded with eyes that echoed the sentiment. Chin up, he continued to hold his daughter at arms length. The baby experienced another blow-out. Excrement debuted in the diaper and on her outfit as well. Her adventure in trying solid foods had mixed results.
"Not on your life, Daniel. Um… afterlife." Carolyn shook her head, squinted her eyes and tried in earnest to hide a grin that wouldn't go away. "It's your turn. I did the last one. Besides, I'm right in the middle of planting these mums for fall." With a small spade, she gestured to the awaiting flowers that sported an assortment of Autumn colors.
"Very well." He heaved a heavy false sigh. "Ealasaid and I will do the best that we can." Disappointed but not terribly surprised, the seaman knew that it was indeed his turn to make the sacrifice of changing the soiled diaper. The couple had agreed to share the responsibilities of caring for the needs of the baby. And this time she needed a change in the worst way.
As Daniel turned to go into the house, Ealasaid produced several loud raspberries that were emitting from both ends.
Carolyn could no longer hide her amusement, letting her laughter go full tilt. She clutched her sides as tears seeped from her eyes.
"Ealasaid." Daniel's face took on a serious glare. "Ladies don't do that in public."
The ghost wife sat down. She managed to gain some composure.
"I'll tell you what, Daniel. I can come up in a few minutes and get the soiled outfit into the washer while you clean her up and change the diaper." Tears ran a trail down Carolyn's face.
"I'll take what help that I can get." He braced himself against the stink of whatever food had caused the mishap. Each had their share of filth filled diapers to change. Somehow, this one smelled more foul than the previous ones.
Treading back into the house, the sea captain set his course for the upstairs bathroom via a side trip to the master cabin. With a renewed determination, he resolved to handle the deplorable task without further complaint.
'You can do this, man! You're a Gregg! You've faced much worse. You can do this!' Daniel muttered encouraging words as he took each step.
Upon entering the master cabin, a dresser drawer opened of its own accord. A red bandana floated through the air while being accompanied by a bottle of Carolyn's cologne. They followed the seaman into the bathroom like loyal dogs along for the hunt.
Ealasaid's wiggly small body made it more difficult for the Captain to lay her on a towel. The child was as squirmy as the latest catch of fresh fish.
Folding the bandana into a triangle, he applied the cologne. Much like a crook preparing to rob a bank, he tied the bandana in place. By this time, the baby had scooted her way to the commode, leaving behind tell-tale signs of the diapers content. She gurgled with delight though her father found none of it delightful.
Eyes blinking, Daniel began to cough.
"Let us proceed, Ealasaid." Daniel still balked while she gave him a single tooth grin.
Pointing a finger to the outfit, buttons in the back gave way. The outfit fell to the floor in a pile that reeked of impending doom. Rubber pants slid down her legs and joined the toxic stack. More coughing occurred. Diaper pins unfastened to reveal a stench that even death itself would find repulsive. Foul odors crept through the scented bandana, knifing their way into Daniel's nostrils. His human trait of gagging kicked in, triggering a lifting of the commode lid to commence. He yanked down the bandana so a deposit could be made.
While the sea ghost was occupied, Ealasaid was blazing a trail of poo around the bathroom. Her bowels were not quite done yet.
Afterward, he held a towel to his nose. The brave sea captain caused the spent diaper to roll into a tight ball. With a wild sweep of his arm, the rancid mess careened its way out of the bathroom, through the master cabin, and out of the balcony doors. With a new course out to sea, the rank bomb could be observed only as a small speck in the distance.
Stumbling her way into the bathroom, Carolyn caught the whiff. She began to cough.
"Are you vomiting, Daniel? You're making me nauseous!" She exclaimed waving a hand in front of her face. "Good night! What happened in here?!" Carolyn took in the view of what once was her bathroom. It looked like a bay of manure-laden pigs stampeded through, leaving behind one poopy naked baby and one seasick ghost captain.
Sitting among the mess with bags under his eyes, a disheveled Daniel released a heated scowl. A flicker of irritation shone in his eyes. In the past he could pride himself with his tolerance to the most foulest of smells. Odors of dead fish piled high, rotting flesh that sat in the heat of the sun, and even the latrine bucket used aboard ship had little effect on him. Coming to grips with the fact that it only took a child's soiled diaper to make his stomach abandon ship gave him an embarrassment that he was unaccustomed to experiencing.
"Alright, maybe when it's this bad, we should both work on it together," she conceded with a nod and a tug on her ear. Reevaluating the circumstances, Carolyn poked her head back into the hall.
"Martha! Candy!" She shouted. "We could really use some extra hands up here." The stings of guilt needled her conscience as the words she had spoke earlier now pricked her with regret.
Pulling her hair back into a ponytail, Carolyn returned to the scene of the crime.
"Did you feed anything to Ealasaid last night—other than a bottle—while Martha, the kids, and I were at the drive-in movies, Daniel?" she questioned.
It didn't take long for him to recall the events of the previous evening. One thing in particular stood out. One thing that perhaps was a mistake. No, there was no perhaps about it. This was most definitely a mistake. This had to be the culprit to the digestive demise.
"My dear, I felt like having a snack, so… I fried some pork skins. Ealasaid showed great interest in them, and I broke off a tiny piece thinking that she would not care for them." Diverting his sight to the baby, Daniel paused, feeling nervous.
Silence cascaded through the funk in the air, only to be interrupted by the sounds of Ealasaid's intestines gurgling, causing her face to wrinkle. Flatulence followed close behind.
The ghost captain coughed, swallowing the nausea in his throat. The bathroom window opened on its own.
"Much to my surprise, Darling, she loved them. We sat and watched some television where I gave her… a few… or so pieces." Daniel tugged at his ear.
He was sailing in perilous waters and knew it. Coincidence or not, Ealasaid could give her Dad just the right look, just the right smile, or just the right sad eyes to get what she desired. At only 6 months old, she was already learning how to get into his sea-salted heart.
With eyes like saucers, Carolyn's hand slapped up against the wood of the door jam, clinging to it with a death grip.
"You can't give a child her age something like fried pork skins! Her system can't handle that!"
"Calm down, my dear," he urged as his gut will still doing the hokey pokey. "I feel quite certain that the worst of it has passed. I won't eat them around her anymore. I promise." He gave her a sheepish grin.
"What am I going to do with you, Daniel Gregg?" she said, candidly with one hand on her hip.
Turning around Carolyn discovered Martha behind her, snickering.
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Gregg. I can only imagine what the bathroom must look like." The housekeeper stepped through the doorway. "Oh well, it could be worse, I suppose." Having encountered many diaper tragedies herself, Martha chalked it up to live and learn.
Candy trotted up the stairs. Coming around the landing, the odor hit her full force like an avalanche of skunks. "Oh my gosh, Mom! What's that awful smell?"
Captain Gregg buried his face in his hands.
—-
45 minutes later, child and bathroom were properly cleaned. The old adage proved true: Many hands make light the work. The smell, however, was another story. A window remained open to allow for fresh air.
Carolyn and Daniel relaxed in the parlor afterward. The sea captain willed himself to be clean, twice. Grabbing a throw pillow, Carolyn leaned against her husband. With hands bobbing from front to side, Candy and Jonathan played games of peek-a-boo with Ealasaid. Her cackles of glee resounded through the parlor and trickled into the foyer.
Coming into the room, Martha plopped a full laundry basket in front of her. Looking down, she appeared to be in search of something. The dismay in her face said that the search was still on.
"I don't understand it, Mrs. Gregg," she huffed and took a seat.
"Understand what, Martha?" Carolyn sat up from her reclined position on Daniel's lap.
"Well, everyone knows that somehow clothes dryers eat socks. They just vanish. But now it's eating baby diapers! We've lost 4 diapers in the last 3 weeks!" Martha threw up her hands.
"You're counting diapers, Martha?" Daniel questioned then slid a finger down his nose.
"Of course I am, Captain. Doesn't everyone?" she retorted as if there were any doubt.
"I am just asking. That's all." He gave a long pull to his ear.
The sea captain made a mental note to purchase more diapers at his earliest convenience. Daniel had lost count of how many of the disgusting diapers he had sent out to sea. If Martha was counting, he needed to add, not subtract from the total.
—-
The crisp fall evening hinted at the cold that was surely on its way before too long.
Taking long hair into her hands, Carolyn wove a braid. She draped it over one shoulder. The style reminded Daniel of how she wore it in the Christmas dream. The dream that he gave the entire family. The dream that he thought could never come true. But here they were, married and with a baby of their own. The ability to draw from each other's realms made little Ealasaid a reality. A blessing beyond his wildest hopes, leaping well past the dream.
Peeling back the blanket, Carolyn slid into the bed. Snuggling into her husband, the seaman encircled arms around his wife. The two formed spoons after she turned out the light.
"My love?" Daniel asked with a tease in his voice.
"Yeeeeees?" She squeezed the word out.
"How much longer are you going to wear that… contraption to bed?" He made a sour face that she was unable to see in the dark.
"Contraption? Do you mean the nursing bra?" Carolyn fingered one of the pads.
"I suppose that is what it is called." He leaned up on one elbow.
"Until I'm done nursing, Daniel," she said flatly. "Until I'm done nursing."
Carolyn gave one hard punch to her pillow before plunging her head in and clamping her eyes shut.
"Blast!" Came a soft yet predictable response from her husband.
—-
The following day.
With big blue eyes, Ealasaid watched her parents who lay only a few feet in front of her. On her tummy, she arched her back and pushed up with her arms. The baby babbled on about her accomplishment.
On the floor, at eye level with their daughter, the couple entreated their baby to crawl. The baby's tendency was to scoot, but a well-placed rug made the movement difficult.
"Come on Eala. You can do it, my girl." Up on his elbows, Daniel attempted to coax his daughter to her next milestone.
"Come to us, sweetheart." Carolyn was right along side of her husband in their endeavor.
"I have an idea, my dear." Daniel announced. Jumping to his feet, he retrieved an item from the playpen. "This is her favorite toy." He held up a set of plastic keys on a ring. Carolyn watched with curiosity peaked.
Returning to the floor, Daniel dangled the keys in front of his daughter before setting them out of her reach.
"Come to daddy, Eala," he said, a grin of amusement crossed his lips.
Legs kicking and eyes growing wider, the child stretched an arm for her toy, but it remained out of reach. Scrunching her face, she stretched harder. In the blink of an eye, the keys slid over the floor on their own and into her hand. Now in her grasp, she rolled over on her back and began to chew on her prize.
Except for their own wide eyes, Daniel and Carolyn were expressionless.
"Daniel…" Carolyn raised a point. "I think that you contributed more than eyes and hair into our daughter's gene pool."
"Evidently," he agreed.
—
Captain's log entry
Be very careful about what you feed baby, even if she appears to want it. The end result could come back to haunt you. If one is anticipating an ugly battle with a diaper change, stand fast, hold your ground, and rally the troops until help arrives. Dispose of the offending enemy as one sees fit. If your wife is continuing to nurse for what you consider an extended length of time, strengthen your resolve to remain patient. The slightest amount of pressure on her could land you back in the brig. Avoid this at all cost! Be prepared for your child's talents to show up at any time and in unexpected ways. Keep smelling salts on hand if your wife has a tendency to faint.