Whoop whoop, time for more self-fellating fan fiction.

If you don't know what that means, ignorance is bliss.

I swing out into space, Vanguard finally responding to my controls.

It's not particularly hard to pilot, but the controls are a bit lacking. No fine control over the fingers or legs, just movements. The finger automatically grab anything inside the palm, which might end up being a pain.

For now, I step onto a launchpad and wait.

I don't have to wait long.

The launchpad rips forwards, mashing my lips against my teeth with the massive acceleration.

Before I have time to think, I'm thrown out into the midst of a large scale battle between the Dreads and Earth's forces. It doesn't help that I was launched at an angle that sent me tumbling through space.

The stabilizing thrusters turn on automatically after a moment, and I get a chance to observe the battlefield. The Dreads are clearly losing, the Nirvana is drawing back, and that damned pasta shell keeps spewing out more drones.

Four of said drones approach me.

I pull on the handles, attempting to draw my sword. I finally get the blade in front of me just in time to deflect a probing claw. I slash at the blocky robot, cutting it in half and making the other three back off.

"Look! It's Mister Alien!" Dita's voice comes in over the radio.

"He's our reinforcements?" Meia says.

"Just you watch." I say.

I push forwards on my handles, and follow the enemy units.

I catch up to one of them, slice it in half, and immediately reverse thrust as hard as I can to let the next one zip past me. It doesn't have time to move aside before it disappears in a ball of fire.

I can feel the smile growing on my face. This must be why people hunt.

I go after a few more before I notice something odd.

The Nirvana isn't dodging anymore. The Dreads are no longer taking massive casualties. That's not that odd though.

The Earth forces are retreating. That's odd.

"Oh, no you don't." I bite down a laugh.

My Vanguard soars towards the shell shaped robot. It spits out two clumps of eight, and I get four of them with one swipe before they can disperse.

I dispatch six more before three of them succeed in grabbing my Van. They accelerate hard in the opposite direction of the shell.

"Dita! What are you doing?" Meia's voice comes through.

"I'm going in to assist Mister Alien!"

"No, you're going to crash-" Jura starts, but I don't hear the rest, due to the impact of Dita's Dread. My eyes cloud over with stars.

I can hear things whirring at high speeds. When my vision clears, I find an attractive girl in my lap. My hands are laid on top of hers, on her set of controls.

The drones grabbing onto me are destroyed, leaving a few stragglers and the main shell shaped carrier.

I push forward on the spherical controls, quickly reaching the shell. It tries to close itself shut, but Dita darts her arms forward in time to intercept the gap.

We force the gap wider, and i flip the cannons over.

"Choke on this." I bark.

The lasers penetrate right through the enemy, causing a massive explosion which blows up back towards the Nirvana. I manage to stabilize the unit with before I collide with our ride home.

Now that I'm not busy, I stop focusing outside and start doing a self diagnosis.

I'm unreasonably tired, there's a hot girl in my lap, and we're very, very close.

I had always suspected joining the Vandreads together caused some sort of mental fatigue, but this feels like I just completed a 5k.

"You're amazing, Mister Alien."

...If I say "That's what she said." I can expect to be beaten to within an inch of my life, right?

Back in the Nirvana, all three of us guys were rounded up and hosed down. I can't say it was entirely unwelcome.

The Paksis is still adjusting the ship around, and the environmental system seems to on the fritz. Thankfully, it's only sent the heating system into overdrive and not interfered with the oxygen levels.

Presumably, Miss coke-bottle glasses is working right now to clear the issue. I really need to remember some of these names.

Bart is talking about some made up exploit of his, so I interrupt. "Hey, I've been thinking. How come you two can understand the females?"

Yes, I had noticed. After the Paksis got to us, I was able to understand and speak Japanese. It's weird. I'm not converting it to English first in my head, but just understanding it as it's said. Another weeabo dream realized.

"First class citizens are required to learn both the language of Tarak and the language of Mejare." Duelo responds evenly. "What's more surprising is that you can speak Mejare."

Whoops. "Er, I found a book that had dropped from the higher levels. It looked interesting, so I read it."

Bart, obviously miffed I had interrupted his story, sits in front of me. "So what was that Van type? Why did it merge with a woman?"

I school my features to avoid letting my eye twitch. "Whatever warped us all out here merged the two ships and messed with my Vanguard. I blame that."

"Out here? Where are we?" Duelo fixes me with his stare.

"Really, really far away from Taraak, I can tell you that."

"But why does it fuse with a woman?"

"It doesn't." I sigh. "It fuses with one of their Dreads. Also, if you keep saying it that way, I'm going to kick you."

"What? You got a problem?" Bart growls.

"Lay off it, both of you." Duelo says calmly. "Bart's just covering his nerves with talk, no need to argue amongst ourselves."

I sigh again. "Sure. Sorry, Bart."

Bart calms down a bit as well. "Say, Duelo, you're pretty smart. As expected of an elite." He puts his hand to his chin. "I bet that with your brains and my charm, we could take over this ship easily."

"You could do what?" BC says from right behind Bart.

"AHG! Uh, nothing."

"I need you and Hibiki to come with me." BC says.

I narrow my eyes. "Is there more enemies?"

"Not yet." BC says neutrally.

BC deactivates the force field and gestures for us to come out. Before we can get anywhere, Duelo speaks up.

"If you don't mind me asking, where are we?"

BC turns back to him. "We're not sure, but we're nowhere near home, that's for sure."

Duelo looks at me with his piercing eyes, but says nothing as I'm escorted away.

We're led to the bridge, where the temperate is absolutely scorching. Still, one of the girls is wearing a bear costume. Her name was... Cel.

...I can't remember the captains's name, but I remember the girl in the bear costume. Priorities, amiright?

"Bart, I want you to show us how to pilot this ship." The captain gestures to the protrusion where Bart can pilot from.

Bart smiles his superior grin, and BC releases his cuffs with a sigh. "Look, this is a male ship, so only males can pilot it see? You should all be glad I was on board or you'd all be stuck-"

He gets cut off by the Paksis grabbing him and throwing him into the piloting area. Very creepy to watch.

"Hey, it's best Bart goes in and none of you go in. The dumb thing strips you naked." I say offhandedly. When I notice there's a lot of attention on me, I look around. "What? I assume none of you want to be naked, piloting a ship where it feels like everyone can see you."

A few of the girls wince and turn away with some color in their faces, but two distinctly do not. BC and the captain.

BC walks up to me. "The captain and I need to have a word with you."

Alarm bells start ringing in my head, but I keep my smile. "After you."

"No." BC pokes me with a stick with two shiny prongs on the end. "After you."

We end up in a dark room, BC, the captain, and I.

"What's up then?" I start, seeing as the two women are just staring at me.

BC slides a disc into a player and the speakers in the room turn on. There's a lot of hiss, but I can make out a voice. My voice.

"I'm sorry I'm not a lovable idiot like the real Tokai. Please, let's go. Otherwise, I can't stop your other half from rampaging across the galaxy. I'm not here to hurt you, or anyone on this ship, just... let's save people, okay?"

Oh.

Yeah, I can see why they'd be worried.

"Who are you?" BC commands.

"Hibiki Tokai."

She pulls out her whip. "Don't make me use this."

"Check my DNA. I'm Hibiki Tokai." I struggle with the cuffs to pull the card off my neck.

She cracks the whip against my thigh.

"OUCH. The fuck, lady?"

"Language!" Calls the old lady almost absentmindedly.

"Who. Are. You."

I narrow my eyes. Time to have a little fun. "Tenmei Uragasumi." How the hell I remembered that I'll never know.

BC stops in her tracks. She stares into my eyes, her face contorting with conflicting anger and worry.

"I'm just a poor worker, but there's this great guy named Hibiki. He was going to steal one of the Vanguards from-"

BC slams her hand down on a nearby table, startling me enough to stop talking.

"BC, are you alright?" The captain asks.

"Captain, can I ask you to have a moment alone with this boy?"

The captain examines BC's face before nodding. "I want him alive."

"He'll only wish he was dead." BC mutters loud enough to hear.

Once the door shuts, I let a predatory smile cross my face. "What's the matter BC? Why, it's almost like you know a Tenmei Ura-"

BC slams her hands on the wall on either side of my head. "How."

"Wouldn't you like to-"

"Magno said alive. Nobody said intact."

Magno, that's the captain's name. Okay, time to make a big choice. I stop smiling and put on a cold, flat face. "How far are you willing to stretch your suspension of disbelief?"

"Try me."

"You know that big blue sphere that's eating the ship?"

"Yes."

"It's actually sentient. It's what teleported us all the way out here, and..." I take a deep breath.

"And what?"

"And put my mind in Tokai's body." I relax my neck letting my gaze wander to the ceiling. "I'm just playing the part of Hibiki."

"Who are you really?"

"I'm getting tired of that question."

"Then answer it."

I stare at BC for a few more seconds. "I don't know if I'm from the past, or another dimension, or what. I had to apologize to the Paksis because it doesn't like angry people and I can't be the dense idiot Hibiki Tokai is. Hibiki is naive, but he can just say 'Screw it, i want to protect everyone!' and he can do it. The Paksis loves that attitude." I blink once. "Think a male Dita, but slightly less clumsy."

"How do you know this? And why am I supposed to believe you?"

"Your male name is Tenmei Uragasumi. You wear a jewel on your neck to alter your voice to a females'."

BC grinds her teeth. "So?"

"There's no way for me to know this." I say bluntly, looking her in the eye for the first time. "I know lots of things I shouldn't. That's why you need to trust me."

She backs up two steps and holds her head in her hands.

"Look, I won't tell your secret." I sigh. "If you want to tell anyone, you can, but just consider what that kind of knowledge will do to your fellow crewmates."

"Why would you keep my secret?" BC asks.

I give her my evilest grin. "Why ruin the surprise?"

"BC. How did it go?" Magno asks.

BC lifts her head. She opens and closes her mouth several times.

"He's... not a threat to this ship at least." She shakes her head. "Past that, it's better not to ask."

Magno looks at BC, but the latter has her head turned away.

In the cockpit below, Bart is fiddling with some of the controls to the Nirvana. He opens a menu-

The Nirvana rocks as it suddenly changes course. I look back at the security guard walking me back to my cell. She's got orange spiky hair.

"Ohma."

She blinks. "Excuse me?"

"You're more an Ohma type, aren't you?"

"D-do you want me to shoot you?!" Her cheeks go redder than her hair.

"No, just an... obserrrrrr-" My the ground is getting awfully close.

When my eyes open back up, I'm back in the glowing blue sea.

"Really?" I ask the void. "I'm trying to walk out there."

Instead of talking, the Paksis shows me an image. It's me, back when I took karate. A sparring match.

"Wait, I recognize this match."

Sure enough, I'm paired off with the lazy kid of the class. We start sparring, until he trips. The sensei calls stop.

But I don't.

I raise my right leg up, and stomp on his chest pad as hard as I can.

Get up, you loser. Get up and fight.

I can hear my own thoughts.

One of the senseis grabs me and pulls me away form the group.

What are you doing?

I can feel my anger, directed now at my teachers.

All at once, I see myself stuff all I'm feeling down, and a blank look comes over my face.

I'm sat in the corner like I'm a five year old, lectured to by the master of the school, and I go home.

"So what?" I ask the Paksis. "I already know I'm a horrible person."

Another memory surfaces. Lying on a trampoline.

"You can't live like that. You should go see a therapist."

My eye twitches. "If you're trying to make a point, using her is a terrible way to do it."

The Paksis remains silent. The blue sea fades away and I wake up in my cell.

Duelo currently has his head pressed onto mine.

"Um."

"Oh, good. You're awake. Your temperature is a bit higher than normal." He sits back.

"...Thanks."

"Duelo."

I turn around to look at BC, who's standing on the other side of the plasma bars. She ignores me completely.

"Yes?"

"Your turn."

It's so hot that I'm soaked in sweat before I see anyone again. I refuse to strip down to a loincloth though. I have my pride.

It's BC. God, I'm starting to get tired of her.

"What do you need?" I groan.

"We have two people stranded out in space."

I sit up straight. "Alright, Gascone and Dita, right? I'll go get them."

BC stares at me.

"What?"

"Can you see the future?" BC asks me bluntly.

"Nope. Well, not quite."

"Not quite."

"Look, do you want Gascone back or not? I can't get them if I'm locked in here."

The plasma bars fizzle out, and the cuffs drop off my wrists.

"I've decided I can trust you for now, but I'm going to keep my eyes on you."

"I look forward to it."

We head down the passageway towards the Modified Dreads and my Vanguard.

"By the way, why don't any of the women around here wear bras? I get that we're in zero-g a lot of the time, but certainly not a hundred percent of the time."

BC turns back to me. "What's a bra?"

I get launched towards Dita's last signal. I need to figure out a way to use the catapult without tumbling end over end. It's relatively embarrassing to be thrown out like that, and in combat I need to take precious time to reorient myself.

I spot Dita on the radar before I can see her against the black void of space.

Something you don't really consider when your life doesn't depend on it is that space is dark. Yes, we have these giant balls of fusion called starts, but if you're not near one it's really hard to see anything.

In the anime, everything was well lit because it was a show, but it's dark here. Thankfully, the Dreads all have running lights, generally in the colors of the Dreads themselves, making easy visual identification possible.

Then again, I don't have running lights, and nobody changed my IFF before launching me.

Three destroyed earthling ships and a merge later:

"Next time, look at your target." I grumble. "If I hadn't dodged, I'd be that much space debris."

Dita twists around in her seat (read: my lap) and apologizes with doe eyes. "I'm really sorry, Mister Alien. It won't happen again." She dips her head and her cheeks color slightly. "I knew you'd come to save me."

"I was sent to look for you two. Saving wasn't discussed."

She turns back around to look forward, and turns the Vandread around.

Uhg. I can feel the Vandread draining me. I check again that we're heading in the right direction, and we are. Whatever these ships use to violate the limit of the speed of light makes the trip back only about ten minutes.

Ten minutes, locked into a metal coffin with Dita.

She keeps hopping up and down, which contrary to popular belief, hurts my hips rather than being arousing.

"Calm down, you excitable idiot."

"But! I get to hang out with a real alien!"

I sigh. "Can you do that without bouncing?"

She settles down somewhat. "I'm so happy! You're a good alien, unlike those bad ones out there."

"I'm not an alien." I protest.

"Of course you are!"

Stunning logic there.

"Look, aliens usually have grey skin, right? I can't be an alien then." I say.

"But, Meia told me that alien meant anyone not like us. Males are an entirely different species, so that makes you an alien." She turns back again and looks up at me.

Actually, given the definition of alien... I guess it does apply. "Whatever." I look back at the ETA. Eight minutes.

Dita starts humming happily. It's not a tune I know, but it's pretty upbeat.

"What are you humming?" I ask.

Dita stops. "It's a lullaby. It always reminds me of happy times."

"It's nice." I lean back in my seat. "I've never heard it before though."

"You should hear Zan sing. She has such a pretty voice."

"...Zan?"

"She works for Miss Gasco in the dispenser."

I can't place the name to the face.

"Can you sing, Mister Alien?"

I laugh. "Not well, but I can."

She turns so she's sitting sideways and gives me big glittering eyes and a giant smile on her face.

"I guess you want a demonstration, huh." I scratch my cheek. "Let's see, how about 'Let It Die' by Starset?"

"Who are they?"

"Ah, you probably wouldn't have heard of them. It' a really old band." I clear my throat.

I cut you into pieces
Searching for your imperfections
I had plans to make you whole

But all my threads couldn't stop the bleeding
There's noting left, but I'm not leaving
When all I know is you

I've been looking for a way to bring you back to life
And if I could find a way then I would bring you back tonight
I'd make you look, I'd make you lie
I'd take the cold look form you eyes
But you told me, if you love me, let it die

Your eyes stare right through me-

Dita starts shaking, and I stop singing. "What's the matter?"

"That song is so sad." She sniffs loudly.

Huh? But I didn't even get-

"She can't see her lover again. It's so sad!"

"It's just a song." Sung by a guy, but I'll let her go on this one.

She cheers up slightly. "But you can really sing, Mister Alien!"

"Ah. Thanks."

I check the timer. Only a minute left.

"When we get back, we should have a karaoke party!" Dita exclaims. "It'll be fun!"

"You do remember that I'm a prisoner, right?"

"Oh. Right."

With that, the stars stop stretching and we pull up right in front of one of those shell ships.

The radio crackles. "Look's like it's finally my turn, huh?"

I pilot the giant mech swiftly to the shell, reach in and crush the drone about to dissect Gascogne.

"Putting it off until the last minute. What a great screenplay."

"We would've got here faster, but Dita can't tell friend from foe."

"Oh? They sent one of the prisoners?"

"Yeah! Mister Alien is helping!"

Dita lets Gascogne through the the airlock (While neither the standard Vanguards nor the Dreads have airlocks, Dita's new Dread does have one.)

Once inside, Gascogne peels the top of her suit off, exposing down to her shoulders. "Fresh air." She says quietly.

"How much did you have left?" I ask.

"Too little." She puts her metal stick in her mouth. "Let's get back to our ship."

I move us back to face the Nirvana. Dita starts talking to Gascogne.

"Miss Gasco, look at this ship! See how Hibiki's Vanguard merges right here, and here?"

The entire trip back is Dita gushing over the ship while Gascogne makes non-committal responses.

Once we get back, I can see a the Nirvana headed right for a giant ball of ice over twice the size of the conjoined ship.

"Oh, crap." I mutter.

Dita's eye light up. "Let's blast it apart!"

She redirects the weapons and fires them at the comet.

The large hunk of ice splits and the Nirvana makes it through to the other side unscathed.

My vision starts to darken as I feel something being sucked out of my body. Is it sucking blood?

"See? See? Isn't this amazing?" Dita says to Gascogne.

"I get it, so get me off of this thing!"

I couldn't agree more.

Now that the ship is cool again, I take the time to get some rest.

I only had my eyes closed for maybe half an hour before a shipwide broadcast starts.

A screen shows up in front of me and I sit up to watch it.

BC starts talking.

"Upon conferring with the captain, we decided to inform the entire crew about our situation. Upon analyzing the data we got from the alien debris, we found out a part of the alien structure. We would like you to look at this:"

BC's image is replaced with that of a ball of gears surrounded by a yellow mist. Man, Earth just isn't the planet I remember nowadays.

"This is the enemy's home planet. We don't know the location, but they seem to have a lot of military power. We have entered the territory of this unknown enemy and are being attacked as invaders. In our trip back to Mejare, we expect more battles with the enemy for the same reason. Their objective, as we've found out, is to execute an operation which calls for the razing of Mejare and Tarak. In other words, the enemy is, for some reason, planning the destruction of our home planet."

Captain Magno cuts in. "We are pirates. We have no duty to Mejare or Tarak. However, it's not beneficial to have someone we don't know destroy all of our great 'customers.' Therefor, I plan to return home before the enemy arrives and inform them of this crisis. For this to happen, we need to incorporate our captive men into the crew as well."

I can hear gasps of alarm despite being all alone in my cell.

"This ship, and that giant robot... There are many things we don't understand. We will have to figure them out one-by-one during our journey. I look forward to the cooperation of the entire crew. That is all."

I look down at my hands. They're still cuffed, but hopefully, that won't last long. Things are looking up.

Self inserts are really kind of weird. I've always wanted to do one, and I'm not sure that's a good thing.

At least I'm writing, right?