I apologize profusely for this chapter being so late.

My internet became intermittent, and I was unable to upload anything. I managed to fix it after four days (something something WPA2 bullshit something) and so I'm posting this.

Because of how late in the week it is, I may not upload Sunday either. Depends on when I finish chapter 16.

I hadn't waited for acting captain Jura to give me permission.

I hadn't waited for the closest thing I had to a boss to give me the order.

I didn't hesitate, weighing the pros and cons, the way I always tell myself I would in this situation.

I leapt from the control module and tore after Dita.

Something was driving me. I don't know what it was, but it kept my feet pumping, my borrowed body straining to keep up with how hard I suddenly decided to push it. Only one thing matters right now, and that is catching up to the maroon head of hair turning corners right as I get a sight-line down the hallway.

Inevitably, I suppose, I turn a corner to find she's gone. No sight of her, and there's three branching paths she could have taken.

"FUCK!" I slam my fist into the wall, ignoring the creaking of bone.

A few seconds later, Jura runs up and pulls to a stop beside me. "Which way did she go?"

I shrug. "I lost sight of her."

Jura's face twists up and she suddenly reaches out to slap me. I'm not quick enough to dodge it. "What were you thinking?"

I slump against the wall. My will to fix what I just broke fading by the moment. "I... I forgot she was there. I'm too used to talking to Meia-"

"Oh, so it's okay to badmouth Dita behind her back, but when she's there, you pretend to be her friend?"

That gets on my nerves. "Oy. I never told Dita I liked her. I was trying to figure out a way to break it to her gently, and have been since I was abducted by you pirates!"

Jura crosses her arms and glares. "Then you should have told her immediately!"

"And what would that have accomplished?" I snort. "I'm trying to balance keeping everyone relatively happy, and that's not something I'm good at!"

"Keeping everyone happy? Who died and made you into our personal therapist?"

"Hibiki." I mutter under my breath. Louder, "The Paksis literally runs on emotions. Negative ones make us weaker, so avoiding that is a high priority."

"It's still no excuse to lead the poor girl on!" Jura leans in close, her eyes practically burning with anger.

I throw my hands in the air. "I'm not good at people! I can manipulate engineers, but not stupid, irrational, emotional teenagers! I don't know how to gently let someone down. I don't know how to let her down, then still work with her. Still combine when we need the overwhelming power of her VanDread. If I was able to figure it out, maybe I wouldn't have spent the past three weeks pissing around with a robot mouse. So tell me, miss oblivious, what was I supposed to do?"

She leans back, drawing herself up to her full height. Her voice gets lower. "What did you just call me?"

"Oh, poor Barnette, continuously led on by the object of her affection, the woman who she spends all her time with, who she carries out crazy schemes with, and who she's practically glued to the hip to." I straighten up myself, wishing yet again that I was my original 6'4" so I could tower over her instead of the other way around.

"Pah. She and I flirt for fun, there's nothing deeper to it."

"Are you sure? Really sure? Because that's not how anyone else sees it."

Jura falters for a second. "W-Wait a moment. That's preposterous!"

"Hey, at least I was trying to find a way to let Dita down gently. Poor Barnette doesn't even register in your mind as there." I shake my head dramatically.

I hear metal on metal, and when I open my eyes back up, Jura has her sword to my throat. "Shut. Up."

"Excellent case you're making here, why use words when you can use violence! Hold on a second, isn't that what I did? It is! I hurt Meia, and I was locked up for a month. I'm sure that you, being one of the ace pilots will be able to get out earlier, maybe a week-"

The point of the sword digs into my throat. I swallow the saliva building in my throat, and I can feel the tip moving with my Adam's apple. "I told you to shut up!"

"John? Jura?"

Meia comes from around the corner to find me pinned to the wall by a sword. Before anyone can say anything, Jura removed her sword from my throat and sheathes it, turning on her heel and heading down one of the paths.

I slump down and shake the residual tension from my body. "Here to read me the riot act as well?"

"No, I at least understand your situation. Jura wasn't entirely at fault either-"

Cutting her off, "No, I get it. She's just looking out for her friends." I take a deep breath and push away from the wall. "Do you know where Dita went?"

"Are you sure you want to talk to her now?"

I shrug. "I'm already crashing. If I'm going to catch fire, I might as well do it now."

Meia informs me of Dita's favorite spot on the ship, where she goes to be alone. It's not really that hard to guess.

I quietly open the heavy door to the hangar, pleading with the vacuum-tight door not to creak as I step through and push it back into place.

Dita is sitting in front of her Dread, one of the side panels off and a bunch of circuitry strewn about around her. I lean against my Vanguard and watch her work for a few minutes. Her hands dance around, barely glancing at her work as she traces tiny circuits with a soldering iron and solder, only stopping to reflow a blob or two here or there. Once done with one circuit, she plugs it back into her Dread and pulls out another.

The speed with which she does these actions is astounding, more like that of someone who's spent their entire lives doing it than a teenage girl who spends her time sewing dolls of aliens. I guess Jura was correct.

A flash of resentment crosses my mind. I really am the worst at everything in this world. I push it aside and take a few steps forward, calling as softly as I can manage. "Dita?"

She jumps slightly, dropping the circuit she was working on and almost dropping the soldering iron. "M-Mister Alien!"

I sit down a few paces from her. "I... I need to apologize."

She averts her eyes. "Oh, no. I was just being presumptuous-"

"No." I cut her off. "I could have told you at any time, but I didn't. It's my fault I didn't tell you, all you did was fall in love, which to my understanding is largely not under you control."

"B-but..."

"I know this isn't going to sound true, but I really didn't want to hurt you. I was trying to figure out how to let you down gently, and... I couldn't figure it out. SO I just postponed it. For a month."

"Why?"

"Why am I telling you this?"

"Why don't you love me?" She asks, finally looking back at me. I get a good long look at the tears in her eyes. I write the image to my memory, making sure I won't forget it.

"I don't know."

"That's not fair!" She stands up. "I've been trying-" She hiccups. "-trying so hard to catch your heart, long before Jura or Meia or Zan, and they've all gotten much closer to you than I have! Why does everyone-" She suddenly bites her tongue, and turns away again.

"Dita... I don't love any of them either."

"Liar. I see how you look at Meia."

"Meia's a friend. She's a confidant. But I'm not in a relationship with her."

"You're still with her all the time."

Something finally clicks in my head. Dita... all her weird tendencies, and how hard she decided to cling on to me. The way she accepted Hibiki immediately.

She was always alone. Even in a crowd, she was alone. She just wants someone who won't go away, no matter what.

I wonder what you have to do to a person to make them that way. Maybe get abandoned by your parents and left alone in a city that gets shut down.

I step up to her it two swift motions and wrap my arms around her. "Dita, I'm not a good person, but know this. Until I die, I won't leave you. I'll have your back as long as I'm here to have it. I can't be who you want me to be, but I won't leave."

The dams open up, and Dita bursts into tears. Her arms wrap around me, and we sink to the floor in a heap.

Meia watches from the hangar door, satisfied with the outcome. Personally, in her mind, John wasn't as bad as he insisted he was.

In her mind, he acts aloof, but when the chips come down he runs after the crying girl, sacrifices himself to save people who are openly hostile to him when they need it, and he is doing his best to bring about a happy ending for everyone.

Her own heart hurt from his words, of course. Nobody can stand to hear their own love say so cruelly that he doesn't return your affection.

Still, she won't give up. Not until she's exhausted every possibility.

She turns to go, but is stopped as a low voice starts to sing.

Musing through memories,
Losing my grip in the grey.
Numbing the senses,
I feel you slipping away.
Fighting to hold on,
Clinging to just one more day
Love turns to ashes,
With all that I wish I could say.

I'd die to be where you are.
I tried to be where you are.

Every night, I dream you're still here.
The ghost by my side, so perfectly clear.
When I awake, you'll disappear,
Back to the shadows
With all I hold dear.
With all I hold dear.
I dream you're still here.
I dream you're still here.

Meia wipes her eyes, and head back towards the bridge to find the temporary captain.

I don't remember falling asleep. I remember singing to Dita until she had cried herself to sleep. I remember rocking her back and forth, not once letting her go.

If I did, I'd lose something. I don't know what. Maybe some shred of humanity I had buried deep within myself. Maybe I'd lose Dita. Maybe we'd ALL lose Dita.

Maybe I'd lose myself again.

I must have dozed off myself, as when I woke up DIta and I had a blanket draped over us, and we were propped against the wall instead of lying in the middle of the hangar floor.

I still have Dita clutched tightly in my arms.

"All I make are mistakes." I whisper to nobody. "Both here and back home. I killed myself. I tried to manipulate people. I thought myself superior." I stare at the ceiling, which is oddly blurry. "You all are so much better than me, trying your best to get along with your enemies. You're all smart, talented, and beautiful. I don't and will never deserve your love." I close my eyes. "If I could, I would love you all with all my heart and soul."

I feel Dita stir in my arms. I close my mouth for a few minutes until she's still for long enough I'm sure she back asleep.

"I can't love you, but I will protect you. From Earth, from Mejare, from everyone in this universe if need be." I smiles slightly to myself. "And when you find someone to love, someone who returns your affection the way you deserve it to be returned, I'll step aside until you need me again."

I've decided. The muddled thoughts in my head clear, and I decide on a goal for myself. A plan. A way to fix what I had broken.

It's the only type of plan I can pull off, probably.

In his lap, listening to every word, Dlta's glazed-over eyes blink shut hard, to hold in the fresh gout of tears, these ones of a bitter joy.

Leaving Anpathos was an ordeal, especially attempting to re-orbit the float. It was eventually accomplished, and the Nirvana and crew went back to travelling towards Mejare.

Meia ducks around yet another ornament hung on the ceiling. Recently, everyone has been very festive, working on completely frivolous things to make the holiday cheerier.

"Watch out!" Dita yells, and Meia looks up just in time to get a face full of cloth bat.

Oh, yes, it's Halloween. Not Christmas.

Meia had been in John's cell when he had realized this. He had almost punched the wall again. Apparently, the next episode of her life was Christmas, so that meant John was in the dark for the next two months. She isn't sure if that means it'll be uneventful, or it's just because nothing particularly noteworthy aside from constant battles would have been shown.

She's still attempting to come to terms that her life was someone's entertainment. Events get show or excluded for dramatic effect, memories can be exposed, and the personal of moments can be seen by millions. It's a creepy thought.

Costumes had been prepared, and a ball is scheduled. It's going to be a masquerade party, though probably not much of one. Despite a crew nearing five hundred, almost everyone knows everyone else very closely. Putting on a costume and mask won't change that.

John had laughed when Meia had informed him of the party, noting with glee how poorly that could go, pointing out how easy it is to ruin relationships if you misidentify someone. He had also mentioned something about a hill of swords and kissing princesses, but she had been lost by that point.

When he asked if she was going, she had accidentally said yes. She hadn't been planning to, and didn't really want to but...

John said he'd be there in full costume. Her imagination had run wild trying to figure out what he could possibly be dressing as.

So she had headed to the bridge the day of the event, for once appreciating the festive atmosphere, the anticipation getting the better of her.

At least, until a cloth bat had landed on her face.

As she picks up the admittedly well sewn creature and examines it, Dita climbs down the ladder apologizing the entire way.

"It's no problem, Dita." Meia hands back the bat and looks around the garden-bridge. White paper is strewn through the trees to simulate cobwebs, bats like the one Dita is hanging can just be made out against the void of space, and fake pumpkins can be seen everywhere. "Looks like we're almost ready to hold the masquerade."

"You're coming?" Dita squeals in delight. "What are you going as?"

Meia narrows her eyes. "I thought the point was not to know that kind of thing beforehand."

"Aw, you're right. But I just can't wait! Cel said her costume this year is more impressive than last years!"

Meia thinks back, and shudders. "I hope this one doesn't involve quite as many fire extinguishers, or the jaws of life."

"That was because Jura got drunk, not Cel's fault." Dita says dismissively.

Meia shrugs. "Whatever you say. Do you need help setting up?"

Dita puts a finger to her lips. "I don't think so. They might need help in the kitchens, but..." She looks at Meia with a touch of pity and fear. "I'm pretty sure you're not allowed in the kitchen anymore."

Meia rolls her eyes. "I'll see you later, Dita."

Meia leaves the bridge, heading down to the dining section of the amalgamation that forms the Nirvana. There, the kitchen staff is in an uproar. Wonderful smells come from the kitchens, and Meia waits for a break in the numerous staff carrying desserts back and forth to slip into the kitchen to see if she can offer a hand.

To her surprise, she finds John working on mixing some batter. Before she can talk to him, the head chef steps up and clears her throat. "Meia! what brings you here?"

"Dita said that you could use a hand." She glances around. "It look like you have it well in hand though."

"Yep! That fellow you have yer eye on sure is handy to have on hand. He's given me four new recipes to try. and you'll get to see how they taste at the ball tonight."

"I didn't know he could cook."

"Apparently, he can't. He says all he can do is bake." The head chef pushes Meia forwards a bit. "Go ahead and say hi."

Meia takes a deep breath and step up to the counter to John's left. "Hi, John."

As usual, his bright eyes immediately jump to hers, briefly staring as if sizing her up, then softening as he turns back to his work. "Hi, Meia. What are you doing here?"

"I went to see if Dita needed help with decorating the bridge, but they had it all under control." Meia turns to face the rest of the kitchen and sits on the counter. "She suggested coming here to see if the kitchens needed any help."

John stares off into the abyss while his hands continue to work on the batter. After a minute or two, he finally responds. "I don't have any work for you, so I guess you'd have to talk to the head chef."

Meia shakes her head. "Last time I made food she told me that she'd rather let the ship blow up than let me cook again."

He rolls his eyes, still staring off into nowhere. John rarely seems to make eye contact after his initial glance to confirm your presence and identity. "You can't possibly be that bad."

"I managed to destroy two stoves." Meia says ruefully.

He purses his lips. "Okay, maybe a bit worse than I th-"

"I was attempting to make eggs."

His hands freeze in mid stir, then slowly start moving again. "That's... impressive."

"One way to put it." Meia agrees. "Do you have your costume ready for the masquerade?"

He nods, pouring the batter into a pan. "How about you? Manage to pull something together?"

"Of course." Meia licks her lips, blushes slightly, and turns away. "So, how about a bet?"

"How's that?"

Meia tries to remain calm. "Whoever recognizes the other first gets to command one thing the other person must obey."

He chuckles to himself, muttering about about loping around or the tropics or something. "I can only see this ending badly. I'm assuming there's limits on what can be asked?"

"What, are you afraid of what I'll ask?"

"No, but aren't you afraid of what I'll ask?" He counters.

Meia thinks, but she can't come up with anything in particular. "No."

"Hah. Okay, just don't regret it later."

"I won't be in a position to regret anything." Meia says confidently. "Anyway, I'll take my leave now. See you at the party."

"Mmhmm." John immediately drifts off into his own mind, hardly aware of the world surrounding him.

Later that evening, before the party, Meia looks at herself in the mirror.

Her short blue hair is tucked into the long white synthetic hair of a wig. Instead of a mask, half of her face is covered by a white orchid, positioned to appear as if it was sprouting out of her eye. The clothes she's wearing are much more revealing than usual, yet a lot less form fitting. What could have been a ball gown until the center was ripped open to reveal her belly button, and tied with a black ribbon right under her breasts. A cape come off of her shoulders, trailing to about her knees. Her left hand is covered in a metal gauntlet, a black ribbon in back of her hair, and a chunky sword complete the look.

Meia nods to herself. With the red contacts in her eyes, she'll be very hard to recognize.

She takes a few steps, pacing from one end of her relatively large room to the other, trying to get used to the heels. Jura might wear the damned things at all times, but Meia had never found them practical. To be fair, her normal suit does have slight heels, but those are like walking barefoot compared to these.

Finally satisfied that she probably wouldn't end up making a complete fool of herself in her heels, she heads out towards the bridge.

She only had to catch herself on the wall twice.

Almost every member of the crew is packed into the bridge and the garden below, chatting animatedly with one another. There's plenty of snacks to be had, lining some tables that have been set up as barriers against falling over into the garden below.

Someone has stuffed a plastic skeleton into the pilot's seat, complete with a blond wig and jaw wired open is a way that seems to suggest, without a doubt, that the skeleton is complaining. The actual Bart is easy enough to pick out, dressed in a red Hawaiian shirt with green stripes, insisting everyone call him Benny. As one of the three males to the party, it was kind of obvious. He had even painted black lines on his face for some reason, and donned glasses.

Similarly, Duelo stands out like a sore thumb. His costume is less a costume and more anatomical dummy. Meia's not quite sure but it looks like body paint. He is talking to Parfet, who is wearing a what appears to be a scale replica of VanDread Dita. At least Parfet had attempted to join in with the masquerade, unlike the men. What gave it away was the shorter girl's tendency to poke her forehead as if trying to push her glasses up.

As Meia looks around more, it quickly becomes apparent that most of the crowd is quickly recognizable. A lot less of a masquerade than she was expecting, that's for sure.

Meia herself is getting quite a few looks. Her figure is quite striking, she supposed. The eyes continue to follow her as she walks through the crowd, walking with confidence she didn't feel. For some reason, despite her earlier assertion that she could pick John out of the crowd with ease, he was eluding her.

For the first time since she had made the bet, she thinks that maybe she shouldn't have been so open with the rules.

Digital Daggers - Still Here is the song John sings to Dita.

On a side note, this Narcissism festival finally passes the Bechdel Test. Now to pass the reverse Bechdel, and I'll feel like I'm actually writing something more than mere wish fulfillment.

John is laughing of the fic "The Hill of Swords", a Fate/Stay Night - Zero no Tsukaima crossover by gabriel blessing (sic). It's an excellent read, IMO.

Next time, welcome to the masquerade!