"So..." Meia says, leaning on the door frame leading into the hangar.

I'm currently stripping my Vanguard down one piece at a time, analyzing it, and putting it back together. We can't afford to have the Vanguard out for too long given it is our trump card.

"Dita says you've been abusing your transformation abilities and have been, quote 'playing around in my body' unquote."

The tech this Vanguard uses is interesting. Where most of the components are larger, robust components, there are some seriously sophisticated CPUs. It's kind of schizo tech, but what can you expect from a society of cattle, operating only on what they have on hand?

"Anything to say for yourself?" Meia asks nonchalantly.

"Yeah. Your boobs are heavy."

I wasn't actually that surprised when Meia's hand hit the back of my head. Thankfully, I managed not to snap the PCB I was currently holding. I hadn't figured this one out yet, so I wouldn't be able to remake it.

As of a few days ago, my new job (rather than being a pilot/slacker) was to memorize as much about all the systems on the Nirvana and sub-ships as I could, in case anything ever needed to be replaced and we didn't have the stock. Understandably, I've been in heaven. I love learning how things work, and it's currently my job to understand as much as possible. They gave me technical notes. They gave me access to all sorts of technology. They even let me take apart some of the bridge consoles. Paradise. If only the girls weren't here...

Y'know, if I didn't like looking at boobs so much, I'd think I was gay. Maybe I'm just in the "2D is greater than 3D crowd." Depressing. Or, maybe, I don't like girls who try to drug me and force me to cosplay for them.

Seriously. You'd think something better than fucking Queen's Blade would have made it to Mejare, but... well, all-female casts tend to be either slice of life or porn.

...It might say a lot about me that I recognize most of the porn AND the slice of life shows that Dita hands to me.

"John!" She looks around, once again verifying that we're the only ones here. Seeing as my powers are still a secret from the majority of the crew, someone else being here would be really bad anyway, so this whole section is locked down. "If you're not going to take me seriously, I'll... I'll..."

I look at the blue haired woman with amusement. Since I hadn't gone along with her plan, Dita had indeed spread the rumor that I had been abusing my transformation to all two people she could. Del and Zan were in it from the start, Duelo couldn't care less if he tried, and Meia was obviously skeptical. It must be noted that she only started this after attempt to have me drink a spiked drink so she could persuade me to do her bidding. I'm so glad I didn't drink that. "What will you do, Meia? Leave me alone? Revoke my wandering privileges? Take away my computer?"

She, of course, know that I need to be able to move about and use my computer to write things down. Those punishments would not only be for me, but the rest of the crew. The first would only be a punishment for Meia, not me. "No, I'll... I'll reduce your rations!"

Wait, that's actually bad. Now that I can't trust Dita's offerings, I needed my rations tickets. That or I'd be forced to live on those nuke pills. "Eh, go ahead. The quality has been lacking as of late. I could really go for some scrumptious food pills."

"Why is Dita trying so hard to convince me that you're abusing my body?"

I shrug.

"You're clearly not." She hold her hand over her mouth deep in thought. "Otherwise you wouldn't be so flippant about... what are you doing?"

I had just transformed into Meia. "Whoa, these are heavy. I was joking before, but I hadn't ever thought about it." I go through a few more transformations, Dita, BC, and Jura for starters, comparing how my center of mass shifts forward and backward with each.

Meia pinches the bridge of her nose. "New question. Why are you trying so hard to get in trouble?"

I grab a new board off of the Vanguard and start tracing the pathways with my eyes. "I realized that the best way to get Dita, Zan and you to stop liking me is to stop being likable. I'm trying out new methods until I find what works."

Meia turns her eyes to me, anger welling up inside. I just smile back. "Oh, I mean, I was playing with your body to give it a test drive."

"That's it." She snaps. "I can't deal with you right now." She turns and starts unlocking the door. "You finish that up, and I'll let you out when you've calmed down."

I transform back into her and put on her signature scowl. "Fine."

SLAM.

Duelo continues to stare at a book in his hands as I dismantle yet another vital component of the vital monitoring system. The one with all the little probes.

"I hear you've been fooling around with people's bodies." Duelo says after a while.

"Yup. I'm on a quest to alienate everyone on the ship until I don't have to deal with their bullshit."

Duelo nods and shuts his book with a snap. I glance at the cover, but it's in Japanese. I recognize some of the Hiragana, but I never memorized any Kanji back home. Thus, I have no idea what he's reading. "Fascinating. You get along the best with the women, and now you are rejecting that friendship." He pulls a notepad out of his pocket and starts writing stuff down.

"Are you keeping a journal about me?" I ask teasingly.

"Yes. You are a most intriguing subject. You develop the ability to shape-shift yourself and objects around you, you learn the women's speech quickly, and you pilot a Vanguard that how been modified to work well with the women's Dreads. Your insights are always radically different than those I'm used to hearing on Tarak." He takes a breath. "You are a fountain of new ideas and knowledge."

"Er... Thanks. I'm not trying to be a fountain, just..." I slump my shoulders slightly. "I'm just kind of a dick."

"Well, being a 'dick' has certainly been interesting to observe. This is why you persistently annoy the Meia and the rest of the crew, yes?"

"Yeah." I sit down on the examination table, trying to focus my eyes on the small device. "It's fun to piss everyone off."

"Really? I don't see the appeal myself." Duelo glances down at his book. God, I wish I knew how to read Japanese right now. "Can you explain why you enjoy being a dick?"

"...Can we call it something else? Never mind. I just... Well... have you ever wanted to tease someone, like Bart?"

Duelo nods.

"It's like that, but you want to do it to everyone. And to a worse degree."

"I tease Bart all the time." Duelo admits. "But that arises from our close relationship. Are you claiming you have a close relationship with the entire crew?"

"No, definitely not." I wave his question away. "It's more like I don't know them, so it's more fun to push their buttons. Kind of like testing the limits in a new RPG to see what you can and can't get away with. It also has to bonus of alienating most people."

"Alienation is usually seen as a bad thing."

"So? I'm not normal. You already know that, or you wouldn't be keeping a journal." I point out. "Besides, it's not like it really matters. Once we get back to Mejare and Tarak and defeat the enemy, I'm leaving. I've got nothing tying me to you guys' corner of the galaxy. I plan to keep it that way."

Duelo taps his notebook thoughtfully. "Humans in general need to form bonds to other people to survive. Otherwise, we wouldn't be banding together with the women in the first place. Yet, you actively reject that."

I put the small electrode down and look at Duelo square in the eye. "I'm not really the kind of person to rely on others if I can help it."

Duelo flips through a few pages, reads a few lines of his hastily scrawled text, then flips a few more pages.

"So, what are you reading?" I ask.

"A psychology textbook. It covers various mental disorders."

I bite my tongue. "Right." Maybe I should get back to work.

"It's an interesting read." Duelo continues. "It's given me quite a lot of insight into the ways you could be thinking. Tell me, do you have trust issues?"

"Nah. I trust everyone."

Duelo goes to write that down.

"I trust everyone about as far as Paiway can throw me." I grin and pull out another circuit board to examine. This one is tough, about the size of a motherboard and about as densely packed, as well. I pull up the specification sheet and start looking at the internal logic of the main CPU.

"...Are you serious?" I look up to see Duelo is genuinely curious, leaning forwards in his seat. "You really don't trust anyone?"

I wave my hand grandly. "Who's to trust? The women clearly didn't want us here, and when I revealed how regular procreation is done they all flipped way too quickly. You and Bart are fellow men but you're too caught up in the whole Mejare-Tarak politics. Dita is a ditz, and Meia is my commander." I stand up and twirl around once to emphasize my point. "Not to mention every person on this ship has ulterior motives for everything they do. That's just how humans I don't know what drives someone, I can't judge their actions."

"You can't trust someone you don't know their motivations perfectly?"

"You said it, not me."

Duelo puts his hand on his heart. "I trust Parfet with my life."

I blink at him. "Good for you?"

"I don't know her motivations. Is that foolhardy?"

I shrug. "I don't know. If you ever get betrayed, then yes."

"Your solution to not being betrayed is never to trust anyone in the first place?"

I smirk. "I've never had a trust go unbetrayed."

"So you have trusted people in the past." He scribbles down a few more notes. "What would it take to have you trust someone?"

"Super User access to their processes." I rattle off. "And the ability to view their source code."

"No, I mean what would it take for you to trust, say, Meia."

"Super User access to her processes." I repeat, strain leaking into my voice. "And the ability to view her source code."

"Meia isn't a computer John." Duelo says.

"Well, then I guess I'm not going to trust her."

We stare at each other for a few more minutes before I go back to memorizing the circuit. Hey, this is a generic power supply, just three different sets on one board.

"Is that why you won't return hers, or any of the other's feelings?"

Snap.

I look down at the poor circuit board in my hands. Well, at least I can fix that now. I place my hands on the crack and start mentally modeling the interior structure. Once I completed the fix, I look down to see the board as good as new. Maybe a few thousand atoms short, but nothing anyone can tell from a glance. "Look, why don't you just go bother Parfet? Your own relationship should be plenty of fun, and talking about me is depressing."

Duelo presses on regardless of my words. "It does make a certain amount of sense. You don't trust them to know their own feelings, which leads to you not being able to trust any of their interactions with you."

"...Look. Trust and their affections have nothing to do with each other." I say, my voice low. I set the circuit board aside before I have to repair it again.

"In fact, maybe it was someone in your past who gave you these trust issues." Duelo muses aloud. "Maybe a past lover?"

I glare at the man. "You're really hell bent on this, aren't you?"

Duelo turns to look at me. "The captain had trusted me to test the mental health of all crew members. The pilots all trust the Reg crew, and vice versa. This ship wouldn't run without it."

"Yeah, well." I mutter.

"How, after all everyone on this crew has done, are you still so distrustful of people?"

"You really like finding a crack and picking away at it." I grumble. "And I already told you, I don't trust people I can't see through. It's a vulnerability."

"You'll regret not trusting people one day."

I stare at Duelo. "That was a really impassioned speech, coming from you. What's your deal?"

Duelo coughs. "Well, in efforts to be more candid, my past squad was torn apart when they stopped trusting the commander. We were raiding a Mejare base, and when we fell into an ambush, Commander Naimon made one bad call. Since he was relatively new, the troops under his command decided he wasn't worth following and decided to try to make their own path through. Commander Naimon tried to rally them and regroup, but... well, I'm the only survivor of that incident." He fiddles absentmindedly with his notebook. "I must admit it irks me when you treat trust like it's a light topic."

"Sorry, didn't mean to step on your toes." I raise my arms in surrender.

"It's not a problem. I think I see how you think now, let me..." Duelo start scribbling down notes at a rapid pace.

I go back to examining circuits, which takes another hour or so. The entire time Duelo is scribbling down notes as if a man possessed.

Packing up my gear, I start thinking out loud. "You know, even though I'm removing the walls and examining everything, I still can't find that damn projector system."

Duelo looks up from his notes. "What projector system?"

"You know, the one that allows us to type mid-air and have video calls? I can't figure out how it works."

"Oh, that's the chip we all have in our heads. It's a neural interface designed for communications purposes."

"I see. It's just a- THERE'S A CHIP IN MY HEAD?"

Meia massages her face as John's name comes up at the top of yet another incident report. This one isn't from Dita like the last twenty... Meia does a quick recount, twenty-three cases. Instead, it's from Duelo and the security staff.

"...Freaked out... Made a mess... Panic... "Get it out!"... Why can't he act like a normal person for once?" She sighs with exasperation. It seems her crush had not taken the news that there's a chip in his head well. From Duelo's account, he had tried to scratch the back of his neck off in an effort to remove it. He's currently sedated and resting in one of the hospital beds.

She wanted to pray that there won't be any harvester attacks while he's still in this state, but given what happened last time she had opened her mouth, and the lecture John had given her about jinxes (which he claims not to believe in until it's convenient for him, she notices) she decided that just heading down to the medical wing and discussing this one in person was probably her best bet.

Maybe she should look into getting John transferred back to Reg. He's not so crazy when he's with Zan.

That thought sends a pang through her stomach, but she pushes it down. Right now, she has to focus on being the leader, not her relationship with John. Her mostly nonexistent one, if she had to be honest with herself.

As she leaves her room, still pulling her arms into her suit, she notices Del getting ready for the night across the hallway in a t-shirt and flannel pajamas, with a toothbrush hanging out of her mouth. Del pulls the toothbrush out of her mouth when she spots Meia. "You might want to dress in private. Perverts are around."

"If you're referring to John, he's drugged down in medical."

Del blinks, the sleepy expression leaving her face to be replaced with one of glee. "Oh! What'd he do this time?"

"He learned about the communication chips and started to freak out."

"Weird. I thought everyone had them, even those people from that water planet." Del comments.

"Hmm. I wonder if the harvesters are using that somehow to locate us." Meia says, fiddling with her uniform's wrists.

Del starts scratching at the back of her neck absently while giving a nervous chuckle. "That can't be right, can it? We put the chips in ourselves when we're born."

"Hmm? Oh, yes. And so do the people of Anpathos, and the Tarak males."

Del's face starts to turn the shade of her hair. "I... think I want my implant removed now."

"Not you too." Meia groans. "If we stop being able to communicate because everyone gets paranoid, the harvesters will win a lot easier."

"Yeah, but... what if they can see us having this conversation right now? Wouldn't that be scary?" Del chuckles nervously and sticks her toothbrush back in her mouth.

Meia looks her subordinate over. "Are you coming with me dressed like that?"

Del looks down at herself and shrugs. "Why not?"

This universe hates me.

It's the only explanation. It hates me and want to see me panic myself into a heart attack.

They put a chip in my head. Without my permission. I don't know the permissions, or who's administrator, or... I don't know anything about it, aside from the fact it's slightly more convenient than a cell phone. This worries me. In fact, I tried to pry the damn thing out myself, but two security girls came in and Duelo stuck a needle in me.

When the anesthetic wears off, I find myself in the medical ward, lying in one of the beds. Through my eyelids, I can see that the lights are still on, and I can hear some breathing from somewhere.

Alright, I need a game plan. I have to sneak out of here, get to my bunk, and make a small EMP. Then I need to fire said EMP at the base of my neck until the chip explodes. But first things first: I need to know where everyone is in the room. Carefully, I open my eyes to look around.

"Oh look, he's awake." Comes a familiar voice. Del, to be precise. She's sitting right next to my bed reading some book I don't recognize. I see some letters I recognize, so it might be written in English.

Well, there goes plan A. I sit up and look around to see that Duelo and Dita are talking in the next room, and Meia is resting against the far wall. Roused by Del's voice, Meia opens her eyes and pushes off the wall towards me. She looks angry. Again.

"John, it's two in the morning. Do you know why I'm not asleep right now?"

I sigh. "Yeah, I get-"

"No, you don't. We need to get our rest or else we're not going to be ready the next time we get attacked." She comes to a stop right next to the bed, once again towering over me. Once I again, I wish I could get my old body ba... I CAN GET MY OLD BODY BACK! "You need to stop it with these antics right now."

"Aw, come on, you know that you guys like-"

"No. No, we do not." Meia says. Del nods in agreement, followed by Duelo and kind of followed by Dita.

"Oh. Well then. Sorry If I've disturbed you." I stand up, bow low, and state "I am sorry for causing you trouble. Don't worry, it won't happen again."

With that, I walk out of the door.

Dita goes to chase John, but doesn't get far before Del stops him.

"Geez, what is wrong with that guy?" Del says. "One moment he's a kid, the next he's super serious."

Duelo sighs. "I suspect bipolar disorder. He has rapid mood swings, and that compounded with some trust issues makes him... unpredictable."

Dita tilts her head. "But, don't bipolar people just randomly switch from one to the other?"

"Not quite. Unlike in movies, bipolar disorder tends to show up in one-to-two week long stretches. What triggers the switch varies from person to person." Duelo pulls out the same book he had been reading earlier. Interestingly, John hadn't seemed to notice the true contents of the book. Maybe he can't read?

"So, he just flipped?" Meia asks.

"Most likely. Watch out for him being depressed and lethargic over the next week." Duelo closes the book with a snap. "He sure fits this pattern better than his claims of being a sociopath or a psychopath."

Del whistles. "Wow. He said that and you still let him fly with us? If I had known, I'd have joined the sanitation crew."

"Honestly, if he wasn't so useful in battle, I would have made sure he never stepped outside of his cell." Meia comments.

"That, and you appear to hold some affection for him, as does Dita." Duelo scribbles some more stuff down in his book.

The two girls in question turn slightly red.

Tall. 6'4", to be exact. Square jaw due to the braces I had throughout my highschool years. Blue eyes, blond hair. Skinny, or rather, bony.

Yeah, that's me I see in my mirror. My old self.

Included at no extra charge is the disturbing weakness in my limbs, which comes from having suddenly gone from the musclebound Hibiki's body to my desk-jockey type body.

It really has been a long time since I've worked out. I should change that. Or...

I picture my body from when I still went to the gym three times a week. It's an improvement, I no longer feel like a slug, but it's still a far way away from being the tank that Hibiki was. Yes, he was all muscle, but what fine muscle it was.

I let myself fade back to my degraded old form. It's what feels the most... right, even if it's so weak. Once again, I glance around my cell. It's not a room. It's a cell. One wall is always open, with only glowing green bars to keep me in or others out. I have a chip in my head, and someone else could be accessing it right now for all I know.

What even am I doing on this ship? Some loser decides to throw me into this situation to cause havoc, but all I've done to date has been annoying, uncooperative, or just plain mean.

I thought I was twenty-three, but I guess I'm really just five. Really, what I'm doing now is having a temper tantrum.

A song pops into my head, but I decide not to sing it. What if Del walked by and was inconvenienced by it? Even while acknowledging how ridiculous that sounds in my head, I resign myself to the fact I probably won't be singing anytime soon. Or doing anything fun. I wish my definition of fun didn't include "hurting others."

I sit down on my bed, the thick slab of metal with a small cloth blanket that would just barely cover me in this form. I glance at my laptop, full of text and notes and various unfinished bits of code. I look at my phone, a practically useless chunk of plastic now that I can't get internet on it, reduced to a glorified MP3 player. I look at my duffle bag of clothes, which should now fit a lot better than before. If I can somehow convince Duelo and Meia to let me walk around as myself.

Man... I just want to go to sleep.

"...And should I die before I wake, please just let me lie."

Have you ever asked yourself why you do what you do?

I had to examine myself extensively while writing this. I know how I would react to a given situation. I can picture it in my head. What I can't see so easily is why I do things. Why do I sometimes have the time of my life coding, and others I feel like throwing my computer through a wall, sometimes within hours of each other?

This fic has been largely about me exploring this. Why do I do what I do?

I don't think I've found my answer. After all, a computer can't simulate itself properly, so why should I be able to?

Sure seems like Duelo's convinced though.