I don't know Japanese. This chapter is brought to you by bad machine translations, and my stupid homework schedule.

It was just an experiment.

I just wanted to get the damn chip out of my head. Figure out what it does. Technology that you don't know how it's made is terrifying, with so many problems and vulnerabilities. And I happen to know earth isn't exactly a charitable organization in this universe.

Now, I can't understand Japanese. Or pilot the Vanguard. Or get the telephone-thing calls. Zan tells me that they can't track my position without the thing either. In other words, the chip is pretty important.

If there was one good thing that came out of this whole mess, it's the fact that I now know how the chip works. It doesn't have an antenna the right size to send anything to earth without some sort of relay, and with the Paksis modifying the ship so extensively (and also how afraid of the earth sphere the Paksis is) I doubt the ship is still transmitting anything itself. Thus for the crew of the Nirvana at least the chips are harmless.

Of course, implanting a chip into your spinal column isn't usually considered a sane thing to do, less when you're trying to do it to yourself. Duelo offered to help, but he doesn't know enough about the chip. Nobody on the ship does. The only reason I survived the experience is my ability to shapeshift my nerves back into place before I killed myself, and once I realized how badly the chip failed, remove it again and again while I try different iterations to see what will actually give me back the abilities to understand Japanese and pilot the stupid Vanguard.

I place the slim metallic chunk at the base of my neck and concentrate on integrating it with my nervous system. If this one works, I won't have to go back to the chip ten iterations ago, you know, the one that tased me every three seconds. Meia gave me an ultimatum that if I couldn't fix the chip quickly, I'd have to live with the zappy one. I'm not looking forward to that. Which s why I'm ignoring my sleep cycle in favor of making lots of little chips and forcing them into my nervous system. Why yes, this is crazy, and yes, I am stupid for going through with it.

The most recent chip suddenly starts heating up, meaning something shorted that shouldn't have. I quickly reach in and rip the metal from my neck. Dammit, I thought that one would actually work.

"You're still up?" Comes Zan's voice.

I glance up, acknowledge her presence, and go back to work. "Yeah well, you know exactly what kind of time pressure I'm under." I grumble.

"Maybe if you didn't call her an idiot, she would've let you have more than one day."

"I need to stop asking for favors." I say, already molding the plastic and metal amalgam into yet another variation. "I hardly pull any weight around here anyway,"

"Yes, well, you're almost like a scientific experiment. Us women don't know about men, and you know a lot of valuable things about male-female interactions." She blushes at the last part, leaving little doubt to what she's referring to.

"Yup. On my planet, it's general knowledge." I think for a second. "Well, if you're over thirteen or so."

"Why is there an age limit?"

"Okay, picture Paiway, but pregnant with twins. How well does her body hold up in this situation?"

"Point taken." Her face colors slightly. "So... you weren't lying when you told us how it works, right?"

"I skipped a detail or two." I acknowledge. "I'm not a biologist, I just know the basic facts. And I'm not quite sure how well what I know transfers over." I glance at Zan. Well, might as well ask. "So, do you girls get periods?"

"W-what?"

"You know, do you bleed out an egg monthly."

"Wha- what does that have to do with anything?"

"Fertility period." I say. "I'm not sure of the specifics, but depending on where a girl is in her cycle it's easier or harder to get pregnant."

"Oh. Because the egg separates from the uterine wall?"

I shrug. "Like I said, I don't really know. Guys don't get periods, so it's a foreign concept for me."

"Wow. Can I be a guy? Periods hurt."

"So I've been told, and you can, but surgery hurts also."

"...That sucks."

"Yep."

"So, you can only get pregnant at certain times?"

"From what I know, yes. Instead of slicing together two sets of chromosomes like you do on Mejare, males have sperm which carry their half of the genetic sequence."

"This is so cool." Zan says.

"Weird. Everyone back home gets grossed out by it."

"Probably because they're used to it. I asked Duelo how male reproduce, and it turns out you guys don't even have pregnancies, you just mix up a baby."

"I wouldn't know, I wasn't born there." I shrug. Okay, next chip done.

"I want to try having a baby someday." Zan hums. "Ezra looks so happy."

"I've always been skeptical of how happy new mothers are. I think there's too many chemical floating around in you brain to think straight about another human that just ripped your pelvis in half to escape." I press the newest iteration of the chip into my neck.

"That's a bleak outlook, though I guess I should have expected that." Zan taps her fingers as the chip sinks into my flesh. "Well, how is it going?"

"It's not attempting to kill me from the inside out, but something's off."

"Yeah, every other word is in either Mejare or Tarak speech. So you don't think pregnancy is a wonderful act of life?"

"It's procreation." I remove the chip and start again. "Everything living does it, we're not special. Mold does it."

"If it's not special, why do you care enough not to create a child with any of us? If it holds no meaning, you shouldn't care, right?"

I sigh and put down the chip. "Look, it's... in my society-"

"Which you claim not to care about."

"-which I claim not to care about, sex is considered a very private, intimate thing. The majority of us don't go around having sex with whoever wants a kid. There's the question of responsibility. Nine months is a significant portion of time to have your body being eaten from inside. I don't know, maybe I carry the crazy gene. Whatever, I don't want to just go around screwing everyone since they're curious about the process."

"Dita genuinely likes you. So does Meia, and well, me. We wouldn't hold something like that against you."

I glance at her. "You're treading very dangerous waters, making a blanket statement like that."

"Well, we all know you're not going to act on it, so it doesn't matter, right?"

..She's baiting me. I go back to my chip. "I guess."

"What would it take to actually get you to give me your sperm?" Zan asks.

"Uh... I would have to trust you not to screw me over after the fact."

"And how do I get that trust?"

"...I don't know. Become my servant for life, with mind altering chemicals ensuring you obey my every whim?"

"Are you being difficult on purpose?" Zan is starting to sound irritated. "This doesn't have to be hard."

...This stopped being being an interesting conversation a while ago. "No, it doesn't. I'm not interested."

Zan grabs my arm and presses herself against me. This, coupled with the relatively sparse clothing she wears when not on duty, starts to get a reaction from me. "Zan, let go. NOW."

"Not until you stop being unreasonable!" She pulls her arms around my arm to lock in her grasp.

I abruptly stand up, dragging the much lighter girl behind me, adjusting my muscle density to be able to lift her easily. My first instinct is to start slamming her against the wall to get her to release her grip, but a better plan forms before I can actually finish swinging her around for the blow.

Instead, I head out of my cell with Zan dangling from my arm like some sort of limpet. There are quite a lot of stares as we head through the ship, up to the bridge.

The bridge is dark. Oh, right. Nighttime.

I turn around and head for the crew quarters.

"What are you doing?" Zan asks, still holding on as if for dear life.

"Reporting to Meia."

"What?" Zan almost loses her grip.

"Well, she's my superior and yours, so she can force you to let go."

I arrive at her door and swing my loose hand against it, sending booms down the hallway.

Before our leader shows herself, several other doors open up and tired faces peek out, but I don't really care too much right now. Zan's face is steadily going red though.

Meia finally opens her door and looks at me blankly.

"Hey, Meia, can you tell her to let go of me? She's been bothering me for a while and even propositioning me... for..."

Meia crosses her arms and frowns, not at Zan but at me. Her eye is twitching, actually.

"What?" I ask.

"Kono yoru wa nani o shite imasu ka?"

...Oh, right. I... I'm supposed to fixing the chip. The chip that allowed me to talk to her in the first place.

Zan finally lets go and starts talking rapidly in Japanese. Meia's not looking any less hostile for it, rather the opposite really. Maybe I should make my escape-

A firm hand on my collar, then two, and then a laser ring shoved into my face. I get pushed to the floor, and suddenly everyone is yelling.

What? What?

I... I don't like this ride anymore, I want to get off.

You'd have thought that i'd have gotten used to living in a cell by now. Sadly, no. At least mine is comfortable-ish, has blankets, an outlet, all my stuff...

Yeah, I kind of forgot that very few of the crew actually knew I could shapeshift. Also, very few of them have seen what I look like. So when some other, random male walks up to their quarters and starts making an unintelligible ruckus, they don't take too kindly to it.

This was explained to me by my cell mate, none other than Zan. Apparently, Meia hadn't let her off the hook either. The cell we're in right now isn't technically a cell, but that stupid decontamination chamber Paiway locked everyone in way back at the start of this whole mess. At least the water isn't on. And we have clothes.

Zan has been silent since she finished telling me of our predicament, her head down and her legs tucked up under her, forming a tight ball. Give her some plating and she'd be an armadillo.

I take a deep breath. "Okay, I guess I'm sorry. I... shouldn't have overreacted."

"Mmm."

"I just... I don't know." I throw my hands up in the air. "I'm really, really bad with people."

She remains silent. I shrug and lie back down on the floor. I might be in here a while, until Meia can figure out a cover story, or something.

You know, if I was captain, I would've spaced myself a few times by now. I'm not really helpful, more a burden on everyone.

"Okay, I know I'm going to regret asking this, but do you really want a kid that badly? You're still only seventeen, right?" I ask after a bit.

"Well, that's part of it. But, on Mejare, when two people love each other they-"

"Ah, yeah, that's... we like to pretend that's how it works where I come from." I laugh a little. "Of course, where I come from, Everyone makes such a big deal out of sex that it's one of the most documented things out there."

"They make a big deal out of it?"

"Yeah. Just imagine: It's treated as both a major secret until you turn thirteen or fourteen or whatever and it's one of the popular subjects. I think humans are just geared towards thinking about it as a whole."

"So it's a public secret? that sounds kind of stupid, and impossible to maintain."

"Yeah, the other half of society is on a constant hunt to try to keep the 'innocent young ones' pure until they're old enough to accidentally screw their lives up." I glance over at the now-slightly-uncurled Zan looking over her knees at me. "You girls are actually ahead of the curve compared with some people back home. They think you can have a child just by sleeping next to each other."

"But, you just said..."

"Yup. My world makes no sense. Yours does, you have a clear evil to face and a rag-tag bunch of pirates fighting to restore justice to the universe or whatever."

She tilts her head in confusion. "I though we were trying to get back to Mejare."

"And Tarak, but in the mean time we can take out as many of the stupid harvesters as we can, right?"

"I guess." She hunches back up, and I can see her start to shiver.

It's not that cold in here. I'm wearing a t-shirt and jeans and I'm fine. "Are you okay?"

"I'm f-fine."

RED ALERT! I stand up carefully and walk up next to her to find tears falling down her face. God dammit. "Er, Zan?"

"Hmm?"

"I... You're clearly not okay."

"I, I thought we were getting closer." She sniffs. "You used to hang out with me all the time when you first got on board the ship, but then you started talking only to Meia, and then you broke your chip and I thought we were getting really close again and-"

I set a hand gently on her shoulder, though it's still enough to startle her into silence. Not my goal, but it allows me to say my piece. "Sorry about that. I... suck at people, friends... fighting robots, dealing with space travel." I grimace. "Pretty much everything out here. I should probably work on being a better friend, at least."

"Yes, you should." She looks back up. "Though, I guess I stepped over the line too."

"If it makes you feel any better, I know three billion people that would have jumped at the chance you gave me." I scratch my chin. Now that I'm back in my regular body for long periods, my facial hair is growing out, and it's itchy as all get out.

"Three-? Ew." She relaxes, her mind now on other things. "What do you mean?"

"Yeah, our planet's got a lot of people on it. Most guys would have jumped at the offer." I purse my lips. "That's not really a ringing endorsement of men, is it?"

"So other guys would have, but you didn't?" Zan asks, already heading back to ball form.

"It's not because of you, I swear." I quickly move to placate her. "I'm just not mature enough. Or something. Women on my planet hate that about guys, so most of them pretend like they wouldn't, but given half the chance..."

She looks up at me in confusion. "Is everyone on your planet crazy?"

"...Yes. I might be worse than most."

The door to the decontamination chamber opens, and Meia steps in. She looks between the two of us, sighs, and starts talking to Zan. After a moment, Zan stand up and looks back at me. "Meia says that Duelo has an idea about the chip, and she wants you to try it. We're heading down to the lab."

I nod at Meia and the two of us follow her down to the medical bay, then into the small offshoot Duelo had claimed as his own. He turns around as the three of us approach.

"Hello, John. How are you doing?" He asks.

Oh, right. Tarak uses english. "Oh, uh, good." I cough. "I can't get this chip to go in though."

"I had an idea about that." The man turns to one of his monitors (one that's built into the wall, so I can see it) and points at a square that clearly looks like the chip blown up to be easily visible. "You have this basic design for the chip, yes?"

"Yeah. I tried putting that in, but it wouldn't reconnect at all. That's why I keep trying different variations. I can't seem to get the connections to attach right."

"I think I might know why." He presses a key, and something that looks a lot like a flea shows up on screen. "Do you recognize these?"

I squint at them. "Water flea."

"...Water flea?"

"Yeah, that's a water... okay, maybe not. What is it?"

"It's a nanobot."

"Okay. I thought we destroyed all the ones that hitched a ride up to space with us."

"We did."

"...then where did it come from?"

"You."

I gaze at the stoic man, but he doesn't seem to be joking. "You're serious."

"Yes. It seems about half of your body has been turned into a nest for a swarm of small robots." He points to the image. "This is the most common type. It's designed to break down materiel and build it back up. I believe that this is how you are able to transform at will."

"Huh? But didn't I do something 2D in that test chamber? No matter how well they can eat things, they can't reduce matter to two dimensions."

"Actually," Zan chimes in, looking a little green. "Your were kind of melting."

"Oh."

"Exactly." Duelo turns back to me. "Also, I found out that they were taking advantage of the link that these chips have between all of us. That's why you were able to feel the pain everyone else was feeling when you transformed into them."

"Oh. I just thought it was magic." I run my chin some more. "That makes sense, I guess. So, how does that translate to 'doesn't let the chip back in'?"

Duelo looks at me a bit harder after the magic comment, but lets it go. "They are probably trying to just insert the nerves straight into the chip, but that's not how it happens normally. In infants, the chip is grown together with the nerves, allowing the nerves to intertwine with the connections."

"Really." I look at the chip again. I don't see anything that suggests that, but I guess the doctor would know more about it than I would. "Okay, so what should I do?"

"Instead of forcing the chip into your neck, try placing it there and letting the nerves flow through it." Duelo suggests.

Worth a try. "Do you have a spare chip anywhere?"

Duelo looks at Meia, who unfolds her arms and hands him the small chip I had been attempting to reintegrate for two weeks.

He hands it to me, and I set the small silicon bit on my neck and close my eyes.

A conversation in Japanese starts up around me, hurried discussion that means nothing to me.

I concentrate on letting the nerves just flooooooooooo

Oooowwwwwhy am I looking at the ceiling?

Meia peeks her head between me and the overhead florescent light. "Awake?"

"Yep."

"Can you move your legs?"

I stretch my toes and lift my right leg up a few inches. "Yeah. Hey, I can understand you!"

"Yes, well, it seems Duelo forgot to mention that some of the nerves might separate during the procedure. You're lucky he was able to splice them back up."

"Ouch, that could have been..." My arm isn't moving. Why isn't- oh.

Zan and DIta are asleep on the side of the bed both with tear streak down their faces. Zan is clutching my arm in her sleep.

"Those two just don't give up, do they?" Meia sighs.

"Nope." I gingerly poke at Dita, but she just mumbles and goes back to sleep. "It's one of their good points, I'm sure."

"So, Zan says that you refused her, what was it, advances?"

"Ah. Yeah." I attempt to shrug sheepishly, but again one of my arms is completely immobile. "That... was a mess."

She sits on the side of the bed opposite the other two. "She told me some interesting things about 'your planet.' How much did you tell her?"

"Eh, you're still the only one who know where I really come from. I was telling her how it was, not where or when it was."

"Okay." she sits still for a second before looking back at me. "I missed talking with you."

I quirk an eyebrow. "Me? Nah, I'm a pain in your ass, remember?"

"Maybe. Maybe." She leans over me. "Next time you do something this stupid, you get spaced."

"Yes ma'am."

She leans down further, pressing her lips to mine. I'm too surprised to attempt to escape, and besides Dita and Zan have my arm. The kiss isn't spectacularly amazing, or hot, or anything like that. She really just presses her lips hard against mine for a few seconds, long enough for me to start to want air, and then she sits back up and smirks at me.

"Next time, you better have a better excuse than 'I'm bad with people'." And with that, she leaves the room.

...How is it that I finally got the chip back, and now everything is making even less sense?

It takes a while for Dita and Zan to wake up.

Dita wakes first, her eyes slowly coming into focus and seeing my pair looking back at her. She instantly perks up. "Mister Alien! You're okay!"

"Yep." I wiggle my toes, just visible under the sheets. "And I think I can use all my limbs too, which is always a plus."

Dita fumbles around in her clothes for a second before pulling out a small plush UFO. "Here! I made this for you!"

I take it and look it over. It's got the standard grey alien type creature in the standard UFO shape. It's made of felt. It smells vaguely of Dita's perfume, that is to say, some sort of flowery thing.

"Do you like it?"

"Yeah." I smile at the redhead. "I'm gonna stick it on my bag."

"With all of those other charms?"

"They're not charms, per se..."

"But there's that one clear blue heart on there."

"That's... the crystallization of a maiden's first love."

Dita tilts her head with her index finger. "Who's?"

I shrug. "I don't know." A grin crosses my face. "Maybe it's yours."

Rather than denying it, she looks even more confused. "But, you had that before I met you, right?"

"Yes, that was a joke, Dita."

"Oh." She bites her tongue for a second. "Is it true you're a lot older than me?"

"Well, yeah. I'm twenty three." I confirm.

"Wow. Six years difference. Meia says this is what you really look like, too."

I glance down to confirm that I'm in my usual form. Yup. "Yeah, six years. Just enough to be cre-"

"Well, my moms were ten years apart, so that's not too bad!"

"-epy." I finish. "No, Dita, that's... er... I give up."

"So, Zan was saying something about her having a baby. Does that mean I get one too?"

I am now on every single government list from googling firearms to mental disorders to female reproductive systems. Not to mention all the fucked up porn. They probably think I'm the next Gacy or Ed Gein or something.

I am also going to hell, but that should come as a surprise to nobody.