Hermione hesitated. Just before a moment she had been so sure about her wish to leave, but now? Now no longer did she know what to do. If she turned the knob, she would finally be free, just like she had wanted. There would be no Snape chasing her, no-one haunting her, no matter where she was. But it would also mean returning to the old life she had always known.
Until now, she had thought that it was what she wanted. Now, however, as she stood just one step from her dream coming true, she realised that this dream also had its downsides.
There was no-one but Snape who let her feel like a woman. Only he saw one in her. He somehow managed to respect her as well as her wishes, although she was Muggleborn and she had always thought that he had despised her. She also had a feeling that there was a way to tame him, and it was something only she was capable of. They could help each other... but if she refused to turn that knob, would it not be following his wishes? Showing his superiority? Admitting that he had been right all this time?
"What do you mean?" she asked quietly, ripping the silence, but not turning to face him. Her hand was still on the door knob.
"Exactly that," replied Snape, his voice trembling. It was obvious he had used all of his self-control for that day, following her wish to have a kind and patient teacher. He could not become someone he was not – at least not so suddenly. He, as any man, needed time to change, and one day was certainly not enough.
Having taken a deep breath, she glanced over her shoulder and met his gaze. Not even for a while had he had taken it off her, as if she had been threatening him – to leave or to stay, she did not know which one was worse for the two of them.
"I am not allowed to come back if I leave right now," she said hesitantly, still looking in his direction, but not really seeing him, her heart hammering against her ribs. "But why would I even want to come back?"
"This question is something you should answer to yourself, Granger," he answered with a deep frown, curling his fingers into fists as he laid them on the desk. "If you're trying to buy yourself some time, better stop, as it gets me impatient. Make your choice now – one would have thought you've already thought enough of it."
Hermione remained silent. It was true that she had thought a lot – but it was still not enough... or maybe it was, just she still could not admit that to herself.
"If I stay here," she continued after a longer while, "does that mean that I am no longer allowed to change my mind?"
"And why would you change your mind, do tell?"
Snape's arrogance was starting to make her mad. She wished he would not have got that deep into her heart, because whether she wanted it or not, she had to admit that she cared for him way more than she should.
The choice was difficult to make, however, her heart seemed to have made one already; she took her hand off the knob and lowered her sight.
"Good then," whispered Snape, reaching her hand out to her; there was a strange spark in his dark eyes, as if he had sensed he had reached his victory. "Come here."
Hermione wished she had more courage to stop this. Right now her education should be so much more important to her than anything else. But books... books were going to wait, and this chance could be the only one in her whole life. Snape could turn out to be her only love, and if she lost that chance, she would lose it forever.
Her hand trembled as she put it on Snape's hand; his was cold but steady, and seemed to give out something soothing.
"You're not alone anymore now," he whispered as he brought her close, putting her head on his chest and caressing her head. She could hear his heartbeat. "I promise that to you... that I will make all of your wishes come true..."
It was wrong. More wrong than anything else, but right now, she was finally submitting to Snape's tempting voice.
"I am not Lily, Professor," she said, but her voice lacked confidence. Why did it feel so right to stay there, in his arms, when she knew she should just run for it, aware of the fact this affair could influence all of her life – including the possibility of her getting expelled... Besides, he was just in the same risk.
"I know you are not," he grimaced, then held her by her shoulders, looking right into her eyes. For a moment she felt like turning her head away, but then realised it was simply impossible. "It is not Lily I need. It is you."
Those words seemed to have melted something inside Hermione's stomach. It was almost as though she had just understood that this was the only path she could take. The only thing that could make her happy.
"Don't worry," he added after a while, placing a soft kiss to her forehead. "No-one is bound to know. I promise."
No sooner had he finished forming those words than she realised that her plan was to tell Ginny as soon as possible. She needed to know... but if Snape did not want anyone to know... perhaps he was right – every person who knew made the affair even more dangerous. And it was already dangerous enough with just two of them knowing.
Should she tell him about her plan of sharing this news with her friend? Probably it would be the best idea; nevertheless, she was not quite sure how he was going to react, and to be completely honest, she dreaded the possibility of him reacting too violently.
"Is there anything troubling you?" asked Snape, frowning ever so slightly; it was obvious he had somehow sensed her worry.
"Yes," answered Hermione, convinced there was no point in trying to hide it from Snape. "I wonder... I wonder what you think of... of the possibility of one more person knowing... about us," she finished quickly.
Just lie she had thought he would, he squinted at her, as if trying to see through her. And probably that was not completely impossible for him, since he had mastered Legilimency. Even if he could not read right through her mind, there was a great possibility of him sensing and guessing her thoughts.
Pressing his lips together, he looked at her like that in complete silence for quite a while, then inhaled some air.
"And why would anyone else know about us?" he asked rather coldly.
"I have been hiding it all from her for way too long," replied Hermione, frowning and making a step back. The unpleasant feeling was back. "I can't hide it any longer. She is my friend and she deserves to know..."
"She needs to know nothing!" erupted Snape. "Don't you understand, Granger? I would've bet you were smarter than that!"
The air around the two seemed to have grown colder. Snape took his hands off Hermione's shoulders, and she made another two steps back towards the door, even though she was doing it completely absentminded.
"I know that with every next person who knows the risk is getting bigger..." she started, but Snape cut in.
"Exactly! This is why no-one else should know!"
Hermione could feel her blood pounding in her ears, rushing through her veins. It was difficult to calm down in these circumstances.
"But she is my friend!"
"Yes, and she is also a friend of one Harry Potter!" snorted Snape. "Do you think she'll keep it secret from him? Because I don't think so!"
"What does that change?" Hermione frowned. "I happen to be his friend, too!"
"You are way thicker than I have expected, Granger." growled Snape angrily. "I thought you'd realise that this little stupid girl would tell him everything, and he would feel he's bound to be brave again... and it would result in him getting involved into our relationship. Don't you get it? I won't have another Potter messing up my life!"
"It is not another Potter messing up your life," said Hermione, fury trembling in her voice, "it is you messing up your own life! You disrespect my friends, and I won't let anyone do that. Even if it's you."
Snape looked as though he had just been struck by a thunder.
"Then... then this is what you think about it," he spluttered finally. "You, Gryffindors, and your unhealthy need to be so brave! You would even risk your own happiness just to make sure everything is righti."
"It is not like that," said Hermione, crossing her arms over her chest. "And you, being a Slytherin, should know that! You should know what loyalty means!"
"Loyalty, yes? Well then, let me inform you that at this moment you are less than loyal to me. You have to choose who you are going to be loyal to – your friends or me. And let me remind you that your friends do not need to know about us! They could as well get to know about this relationship when you have graduated, when they cannot try to make any mess in it!"
Hermione gritted her teeth.
"Then you believe I should keep on lying to my friends?"
"This is not lying, Granger! You are not obliged to tell them everything just because they are your friends. This is not what friendship means!"
Hermione wanted to say something back, but having realised it would be simply rude and insensitive, she resigned and bit her tongue, trying to calm down. It was not that easy, though; her whole body seemed to be trembling and her vision pulsed in a strange way.
The worst part of it was that he was right. Hermione knew that her friends needed not know about the whole situation. Nevertheless, she felt it was terribly unfair not to tell them at least that much. She did not want to choose between being loyal to them – or to Snape. But it was them, not Snape, she had been through so much. She owed them something.
However, she felt that it would not be Harry to get involved into her relationship with Snape – it would be Ron, who believed they had a future together. And if Ginny got to know, Ron would definitely hear that from her. Hermione did not want to lose a friend in Ron – however, he needed to get to know, sooner or later.
Though, Harry was Ron's close friend. Whose side would he choose? Hers? Or Ron's? Would she not lose him as her friend, too, once he had found out?
"Give me some time to think," she asked quietly, still shivering.
"Oh, you have all time you need," replied Snape calmly, but deep in his voice was fury mixed with impatience. "Once you've made your choice, you may finally leave. Until then, you will stay here. When you leave, I understand you've chosen your friends over me."
Hermione was completely taken aback by those words. She opened her eyes wide, then looked up at Snape's face.
"You can't..."
"Of course I can, and this is what I'm doing."
"I won't have you manipulating me over and over again!" she erupted angrily.
"Then you have a free way to go," he answered, gesturing towards the door.
Hermione hesitated again, casting a glance towards the door, then turning to Snape to look at him again. It was hard to even take another breath. How was she supposed to make this a choice in such a short time?
"I do not want to choose between you and my friends," said Hermione timidly, her voice still shaking softly. "I want..."
"You can't have everything, Granger," replied Snape, not even looking at her. He did not have enough patience, and he used all of his self-control on doing his best not to shout at her again. If he looked at her now, he was not sure what he would do.
"Having my friends and my love does not mean wanting to have everything!" protested the girl, frowning slightly as she looked at him, but having noticed he glanced in a completely different direction, she lowered her sight.
There had to be a way to avoid making such a cruel choice. Her friends were good friends. They trusted her just as much as she trusted them, did they not? They should trust her in this matter as well... they should stay with her – she did not say a word about their relationships, did she? Well, it was quite bitter to see Ron with Lavender but...
"It's Friday today," said Snape suddenly, his voice quiet and strangely calm. At the same time, though, he had never sounded this cold. "We have lots of time."
"I am not going to stay here overnight!" said Hermione, shaking her head.
"Then again, you have a free way to go. You do not have to choose to be with me. However, if you choose to leave me, I can bet that you will break more than just one heart."
This time Hermione dared not reply. She took a deep breath and the hand that had rested on the knob now slipped off. At this point she was not quite sure whether it was him manipulating her, or she kept on hurting herself.
"You wanted me to change. Then I did all I could to be the teacher you wished for. And I can assure you that I could also be the man you wanted. I am doing all you want. However, should I remind you that this is not how relationships work?" he continued after a longer while, his voice back to its calm sound. "If you want us to work, you need to give something from yourself... it may be your promise not to tell anyone, even your friends."
"I know it would mean giving something from myself, but isn't that too much to ask for?"
"Too much?" snorted Snape. "I'd rather say it isn't much at all."
"But you're asking me to lie to my friends! I would change for you if you wanted but..."
"You don't get it, do you," asked Snape angrily. "I do not want you changed. I want you just the way you are. That's what love is about, and for goodness sake, I love you, Hermione Granger!"