Hello all. Have I got a story for you!

Sooo, despite my use of one for writing, I have little skill when it comes to computers. Of course my coworkers disagree because they can't even send email and I know how to make posters and flyers on photoshop, but honestly, while I know the programs of a computer, the more technical functions of one baffle me.

So I had no idea that I already had windows 10 on my computer. When it forced an upload on me, I believed it was installing 10 for the first time, when it was in fact an update of the 10 I already had. This update disabled my speakers-the built in speakers that came with the computer-and would apparently require me to download a device to make them work again-the speakers in the computer which I paid for and therefore should work instead of being disabled by a bullshit update just so windows can plug other devices it offers.

So, I did a system recovery to try and get rid of windows 10...unaware that that was the system that came with my computer. So I got stuck in an inescapable recovery loop, with a never ending loading screen that could not be canceled or exited out of. It left me unable to use the computer. The big problem with this was my files for this story were on here and I (like an idiot) had not backed them up. That meant if I reinstalled windows 10 to fix the computer, it would wiped the memory and take my chapters with it. I was a wreck.

Thankfully I have a friend who is a computer genius who managed to forcibly extract the files for me. The computer is pretty much on its last legs, but supposedly can be fixed. I just cared about the files. So this chapter being here for you today is thanks to my good friend Radiant Cadenza.

Warning, this chapter will discuss past sexual assault shared by (fictional) survivors.

If Someone Cared Enough

Chapter Thirty: Survivors

"Well," Marcus began, "I must say I'm surprised to see you so soon, Severus."

The pair sat in one of the rooms above the Three Broomsticks, the designated meeting place for their sessions. With Dumbledore's assistance, Marcus traveled by floo to the tavern once a week so that Severus could receive weekly therapy to get his emotions in order after years of his father's abuse and mother's negligence. The appointments typically landed on weekends during the day so that it coincided with the Hogsmeade visits so as not to arouse suspicion.

Which is why Marcus was very surprised to be called back one day after his scheduled session for an evening appointment with Severus.

Severus rested his arms on his knees, leaning forward in his chair with a sigh.

"It's about Lily," he began, "Things sort of went downhill for her yesterday and I'm at a loss as what to do. She's been holed up in the girl's dorm since yesterday with Mary and I'm not allowed in there. I want to help but I feel helpless, so Dumbledore thought I should talk to you."

"Professor Dumbledore," Marcus corrected gently, "So why don't we start from the beginning: what happened when you left our session yesterday?"

"I met back up with Lily and Mary," Severus explained, "we mostly just hung around outside; nothing better to do. We looked at some shops, watched everyone else walking around, seems were going well."

"What changed?" Marcus asked.

Severus sat back in his chair, "We went to Zonko's, that joke shop."

Marcus nodded, "I know the one."

"Lily bumped into someone and it sort of set her off, I guess," Severus said, "This kid that use to harass her."

"So she met someone who once bullied her," Marcus summed up, "Like how you were treated at school."

Severus shook his head, a scowl in place, "No, it wasn't bullying like with me; it was harassment. He'd flip up her skirt to peek at her knickers, pluck at her bra through her shirt. He made a few mean comments about her chest too; always making fun of her being 'flat'. I suppose he thought if he constantly called her unattractive no one would be able to consider his actions as sexual harassment."

"But you recognized it for what it was," Marcus observed.

Severus nodded, "I didn't know the word for it back then, but I knew it was wrong…in the same way Tobias forcing a kiss on my mum was wrong. The same way him telling her she was built like a stick was wrong. He was harassing her on a different level than regular bullying. He treated her like her body was something for him to touch or appraise and that if she had a problem with it then she was just upset she fell short of his expectations. She wasn't allowed to feel upset on the principal that her body belonged to her and not him."

"I take it Lily felt the same way about the student's treatment of her?" Marcus probed.

"Yeah," Severus said, "She told me it made her uncomfortable, that she could be wearing layers and still feel overexposed around that kid. He finally left her alone before the end of second year, but I don't think Lily ever really got over it."

Marcus sat back, rubbing his chin in thought, "So seeing him yesterday just brought old feelings back."

Severus sighed, "Mary says Lily had a breakdown when she got back to the dorm room yesterday. She thinks this is all connected to the attack on the train."

"And what do you think, Severus?" Marcus asked.

Severus shrugged, "It makes sense, I guess. I mean, I've been trying to convince Lily to see someone about what happened, but she wouldn't listen to me. I told her she needs help sorting out how she feels, dealing with the nightmares."

"Nightmares?" Marcus inquired.

Severus nodded, "She won't really tell me about them other than that they involve Avery's attack. She had trouble sleeping over the summer." He left out how the remedy had been to let her sleep in his bed.

"Have the nightmares continued since she returned to school?" Marcus asked.

"I think so," Severus answered, feeling guilty that he could no longer help Lily as he had in the summer, "She says they aren't that bad, but that she occasionally takes a calming draught before bed to clear her mind. She's also slept once or twice in Mary's bed from what I've been told."

"So she's coping, but not well," Marcus stated.

Severus looked askance, downtrodden, "Yeah…I don't know what to do for her."

"There's not really much more you can do that you haven't been doing already," Marcus told Severus, "There isn't really any wrong or right way to process trauma or grief. Some people recover quickly, others take years. Some throw themselves into new experiences and relationship as a distraction so they can move on, and others stay stuck in one place for a while because the familiarity is comforting. As long as Lily doesn't resort to hurting herself or others, how she copes is whatever she feels most comfortable with."

"So I just do nothing," Severus asked in dismay.

"I never said that," Marcus replied, "You're doing plenty by supporting her. Keep doing that. Listen to her, be patient, give her a shoulder to cry on when she needs it, and an understanding ear to share her thoughts with. Keep in mind, one of the biggest injustices of the attack was that her choices and rights to her very being were violated; being allowed to move at her own pace and decide what to do for herself is crucial now to reestablishing her self-worth and personal autonomy."

"But she can't just keep this bottled up," Severus insisted.

"Maybe not, but she needs to choose to seek outside help, not be badgered into it," Marcus pointed out, "I don't deny that talking would help her, but it might be a matter of talking to the right person."

"Like who?" Severus asked desperately.

"Someone who's been through a similar incident, perhaps?" Marcus suggested, "I don't know how much of a victim support system is in place in your world, but it couldn't hurt to ask Headmaster Dumbledore if he would be able to put her in touch with an advocate who can relate to her situation."

"You really think that would help?" Severus asked.

Marcus regarded Severus carefully, "Tell me, Severus; what first drew you to Lily?"

Severus's eyebrows rose into his hairline, taken aback by such a random question, "Well, because she was the first witch I met. I only knew my mother had magic back then."

"What else?" Marcus prodded.

Severus thought about it, "…she could do the same sort of things I could do. And…her sister used to call her nasty names…just like my dad."

Marcus raised a brow, "So you saw this girl from a very different background from you and found a common ground of hardship you could relate to each other on."

Severus blinked, "I hadn't thought of it like that…" He knew Lily's magic and personality had beckoned him from the start, but he hadn't really thought any deeper than that at the time. He remembered crouching behind the bushes, watching a red haired girl with a radiant smile and ringing laugh float to the ground midst bigoted cries from her sister and he felt an instant connection with Lily then and there. She was like him; she knew what it was like to be different.

Marcus gestured encouragingly with his hands, "See how knowing someone like you helped you cope with your father's hatred of magic? She knew what it was like to be judged for something beyond her control; maybe not to the same level as you, but enough that you felt a kindred spirit in her."

"So both of us being victims of circumstance brought us together," Severus theorized, "You think meeting another victim will help her open up."

Marcus smiled kindly, "Not victims; survivors, Severus. You and Lily are survivors of very terrible things. That's what you must keep doing; surviving. A victim is defined but what happened to them; a survivor is defined by how they move forward from there."

Severus left Marcus feeling marginally better but he had quite a bit to think about. He had never given much thought to what it meant for he and Lily to have made it through their attacks, only what it made them to have experienced it at all. Victim had been a term he hated when applied to himself and had made the aftermath of the attack on the train much more difficult to deal with as the press plastered his face all over every paper; a victim of attempted murder, the would-be hero who almost died. What people saw was a boy at the mercy of Avery's cruelty and it infuriated Severus to be handed their pity. It's the reason he was glad his ordeal with his father had never made the papers, being a victim to a lousy drunk was mortifying and would only serve as proof that all Severus was insecure aboout himself and felt over people thought would be true; that he wasn't a strong enough wizard to protect himself from a drunken, pitiful muggle.

It had never occurred to him before that surviving such circumstances made him and Lily just that; survivors.

But now that he thought about it, he couldn't think of a more appropriate description. True the innocence lost to both of them was something they could never get back. True they would always bear the scars—physically or emotionally (or both)—of what they suffered through at the hands of the unfeeling and unkind, but at the end of the day, they had made it through those hardships. They emerged on the other side of tragedy demonstrating a strength to endure and venture forth.

Surely each and every victim of assault or violence had proven that no matter how broken they felt inside, the very fact that they continued to breath, to live and fight for recovery was proof that they had not shattered completely.

Lily hadn't shattered, no matter how cracked and fractured she may feel right now. The difference between shattered and broken was that you could not fix what was shattered beyond repair. But broken was fixable. In fact, it was natural, unavoidable even. Humans were meant to bend, to break easily, because it was only by repairing themselves and others that they would be made stronger for the next onslaught that tried to break them.

Lily was allowed to break if she needed to and Severus was going to make sure she knew she shouldn't feel ashamed for it.

"Hello, Severus," greeted Remus as Severus reentered the castle, "What were you doing outside at this hour?"

"Lupin," Severus said stiffly, "I had an appointment arranged by the Headmaster and that's all you need to know. Not that it is any of your concern to begin with," he added before turning to nod at someone approaching them, "Good evening, Thea."

Passing them in the hall, Thea broke away from the group of Hufflepuffs she was walking with to pause in front of the two boys.

"Thea," Remus greeted politely with a friendly smile.

Eyes narrowing at Remus, she turned to Severus with a look of concern, "He isn't bothering you, is he, Severus?"

"Unfortunately no," Severus sighed, "To my utter dismay he is being passably polite."

Thea regarded Severus carefully, searching for any hint of a lie. Finding none, she nodded hesitantly, "Well you just let me know if that changes. And you," she added, pointing at Remus with all the viciousness of a displeased kitten, "I've got my eye on you."

She gave Remus one last glare before rejoining her friends.

Remus whistled, "Well…she's rather…protective, wouldn't you say, Severus?"

"As protective as a Kneazle kit could be over their favorite napping spot," Severus mused, "and I don't believe I agreed to be on a first name basis with you, did I?"

Remus smiled sheepishly, "Can't blame a guy for trying to be friendly. Besides, it seems sort of…standoffish to call you by your surname, don't you think?"

"Serapuem calls me by it and we manage a cordial relationship," Severus said, breezing past Remus and heading for the Great Hall.

"Yes, because constantly telling her that you loathe her presence is sooo cordial," Remus said with a roll of his eyes.

"Considering I typically hex anyone else I despise, yes," Severus said, pausing to look over his shoulder at Remus, "Yes it is."

Remus huffed, hurrying after Snape, "Well anyway, she's the only one calling you Snape. You let Mary and Thea call you by your first name."

"Scolding Thea would be like leaving a sad, wet kitten out in the rain," Severus stated, "Go ahead and try to tell her no, you'll feel like you kicked a puppy. And Serapeum isn't the only one using my surname; Davis and Nesme do most of the time."

Remus sighed, "Fine, so there's them too, but what about Mary?"

"Miss MacDonald has been through a rough ordeal and if being on a first name basis with me makes her feel better, then I'm not about to make an arse of myself and tell her she can't," was Severus's rigid reply.

Remus chuckled, "Ah, so there is a heart somewhere in that dark, black fathomless void you call a soul."

"I suppose at some point it was due to make an appearance," Snape drawled, refusing to take the bait.

"And you've got jokes," exclaimed Remus, "Where has this side of you been hiding?"

"The same place you've been hiding this sarcasm of yours apparently," Severus quipped, turning to face Remus, "To be frank, I rarely see you show an ounce of wit or personality around your hapless friends. It's usually Potter or Black bleating out the petty one-liners."

Remus winced, his grin growing more sheepish, "Fair point, but that's only what you see when they're bothering you or trying to show off. When we're all together and just being ourselves, I'm quite the card."

"Fascinating," Severus deadpanned.

"You're no fun," Remus said with a frown.

"And here I thought I was the life of the party," Severus said monotonously.

Remus pursed his lips together, wrinkling his nose at Snape. Whatever silly attempt he was going to make at playful banter next was cut off by someone calling his name from down the hall.

"Remus," Sirius greeted happily as he rounded the corner, "I thought I heard you're voice." He paused looking around curiously, "I thought I heard someone else though. Weren't you just talking to someone?"

Remus glanced besides him; the space Snape had only recently been standing was empty. A quick look around the hallway showed the boy nowhere in sight.

Remus turned back to Sirius, puzzled, "Apparently not."

Sirius snorted, "Weirdo," he said, throwing an arm over Remus's shoulder, "So Wormtail finished his essay for potions class so we figured we'd all go down to dinner together. So I came looking for you."

Remus raised an eyebrow, "He finished the assignment all by himself?"

Sirius looked away scratching the back of his head.

"Well he may have had some assistance," Sirius said casually, "But it was an extra assignment anyway. Sluggy's too hard on Petey. He didn't mean to melt the cauldron; why making him write lines on it?"

"Because he melted it due to paying more attention to your antics than what he was dropping in his cauldron," Remus said dryly, "Not really an honest mistake so much as someone and his friends buggering about instead of being careful."

Sirius pouted, "You wound me, Moony, really you do. Now, let's get something to eat, hm? I'm starving."

As the pair walked away, Severus cautiously peered around the suit of armor he had hid behind. Seeing the coast was clear, he stepped back out into the hall, brushing off his robes. Turning to head to dinner, he spotted Filch's cat, Mr. Nivans, watching him from beneath one of the wall sconces. The skinny, skeletal sphinx cat's eyes stared owlishly up at him from the shadows.

"I know what you're thinking," Severus said snidely, "That wasn't cowardice; I just don't want to deal with stupidity today."

Mr. Nivans just blinked disinterestedly at him, lifting a paw to clean it.

Severus sneered down at the animal, "What do you know, anyway? You're a cat."

Severus turned his back on the feline and headed to the Great Hall for supper. Once inside, a quick scan of the room confirmed that Lily was still holed up in her dorm room, though Severus did spy Mary leaving the hall with two plates. She sent Severus a small if not sad smile as she left.

Settling down at the Slytherin table, Severus ignored his yearmates usual sneers and muttered insults as he filled his plate. Having grown so used to Simone putting extra helpings on his plate, he made no mention of it when the dark skinned girl dished him a serving of sautéed green beans and potatoes.

{page break}

"Lily?" Mary called quietly, shouldering open the door to their rooms, "Lily, I brought dinner."

Curled up against the headboard of her bed, Lily sat with her knees drawn up to her chest. Her arms wrapped around her legs and she was bent forward, cascades of red hair hiding her face from view. Various used tissues were strewn about the bedspread among rumpled sheets and the clothes she changed but was too exhausted emotionally to put in the laundry hamper. An empty glass of water sat on the nightstand next to her.

And so things had been for much of the day as well as yesterday, ever since Mary, Simon, and Thea had found her. The two Slytherin girls fetching McGonagall soon thereafter, Lily spent the rest of her afternoon after Hogsmede sitting besides her head of house being soothed with soft words and gentle whispers from a surprising nurturing Minerva. The usually stern professor offered her no false platitudes that things would sort themselves out or be all right, merely that things would get easier with time, much like with losing a loved one; you don't get over it, you get through it.

When the sun had set and the rest of Lily's year returned to their rooms, McGonagall made quick work of shooing the gossipy Jessica and her nosey friends into sharing the sixth year girl's room for the night, leaving only Mary to stay. Once she saw to it that Lily was sound asleep with a dreamless sleep potion in her, the deputy headmistress bid Mary goodnight and left with the instructions to fetch her should it be needed. Once McGonagall was gone, Marlene secreted herself into the room, giving Mary a much needed rest from tending to Lily and, more importantly, giving her a chance to vent how she herself was holding up since the attack.

The next morning Lily was excused from all her classes with an unspoken understanding among all her professors that it wasn't any student's business where she was or why. The spell on the girl's dormitory staircase already ensured any nosy boys—like Potter—would be unable to bother Lily, but it was up to her friends to keep girls from prying.

Jessica and Meldonna were allowed to come fetch their clothes and books in the morning, but Marlene was quick to send them on their way when they attempted to get any information out of Lily on her breakdown. Splitting their time between classes and meals, Marlene and Mary took turns sitting with Lily to keep others out of their dorm room for as long as their friend needed. Warm and motherly Nesme was even smuggled in at one point when both girls simply could not get away from class.

Between bouts of crying and lies that she was fine, Lily spent her time writing to her sister and parents back home. Though she knew not to expect a response until the next day at the earliest, she sent them several missives, all filled with her misgivings and regrets for not being a better witch, her insecurities and doubts about her magic and if she belonged, any and all grievances she could think of came bubbling forth and spilled across the parchment.

Now Lily sat drained, exhausted as she curled in on herself as if wish to simply disappear.

"Lily," Mary tried again, "You have to eat." She set the plates down on the nightstand and sat beside her friend. She held a fork out expectantly in front of Lily, "Please?"

With great reluctance, Lily took the proffered fork and picked up her plate. Lowering her legs so she could scoot back against the headboard, she took small bites of her stewed potatoes and beef. Though her appetite was small today, there was a comforting element to the hot, seasoned dish in front of her. It was one that filled her with warmth and nostalgia, a sleepy, content feelings like the times her mother would serve her beef stew when she was sick, letting her curl up on the sofa with a blanket and the telly on. The elves had obviously made this with her in mind, as Mary had just been talking about looking for something similar to her mother's cooking before she went down to fetch dinner.

"Feeling a little better?" Mary asked.

Lily nodded meekly, swallowing a mouthful of potatoes.

"A little," she sniffed, "Sorry you've had to put up with this all day. I imagine dealing with a wishy-washy ninny like me can't be much fun."

Mary patted Lily on the back, "Lily you're distressed; that's perfectly natural after all you've been through. These things take time to move on from and just about everyone who's been through it has a breaking point."

"They do?" Lily asked disbelievingly, "Then when was yours?"

"Over the summer," Mary admitted, "Before you and Severus ever visited. I was a wreck for weeks. It took a few days for what happened to really sink in and when it did, it hit harder than I expected."

"I thought it already had sunk in for me," Lily confessed, "I don't get why it's all coming out now."

"Maybe because you haven't really bee dealing with it," Mary suggested, "It sounds like you've been mostly bottling it up, focusing on mending things with Severus, worrying about the trial. But when was the last time you really sat down and thought about what happened to you, what could have happened?"

Lily shrugged, "Early on, I did. I spoke about it a little with Sev the first few days after he woke up at St. Mungos. After that, all the little things just kept springing up and distracting me, keeping my mind off it. Then we started looking into Sev's parents and what his life was like," she paused, shaking her head, "That's not really my story to tell."

Mary nodded, "I get it."

"Anyway, we had everything else to think about after that," Lilt went on, "And I'll be honest, I felt better when it wasn't on my mind. I wanted it all to go away, so I avoided the subject because it hurt to think about."

Mary smiled sadly, "You can't get past this if you never think about it though, can you?"

"I can forget about it," Lily offered weakly.

Mary shook her head, "Trust me, it's not something you can forget. I sure haven't. Mom told me it's just something you learn to put behind you, but it will always be a part of your past."

Lily put her mostly finished dinner down and pushed the plate away from herself, "I miss how things were last year when I only heard about how dangerous this whole blood supremacy thing was and hadn't actually experienced it."

"Me too," Mary agreed. She took Lily's hand in her own, gently tracing soothing patterns up and down her friend's arm with her fingertips, "It all seems so long ago now; things were simpler then. We knew what to be against and what to be for because others told us what was right and wrong, what bad people were doing. Hearing it was enough to know it was awful; knowing about it first hand was something I could have gone without."

Lily leaned against Mary, "When did things change? We're not kids anymore in the adult's war. Now it's our war and we're the casualties of it. It's all so unfair."

Mary just nodded, an arm around her friend.

"And you know," Lily began, "I'm not upset that he did it because of my blood. I don't think any reason for it would have made this any better or worse. It's just the fact that at the end of the day, I was just a number to him. Just one little speck in his list of crimes. This wasn't a big deal to him; just a drop in the bucket," Lily inhaled harshly, her shoulders beginning to quake, "He'll never really know how much this affects me; he'll never care. Years from now he probably won't even remember my face and yet I know I'll never forget his!"

She dissolved into a fresh bout of tears, sobs wracking her frame.

"Lily," Mary said softly, pulling her friend into her arms and rocking her, "It'll be alright."

"Please don't let Jess and the others back in her tonight," Lily hiccupped, "I don't want to see them right now."

"Marlene won't let them in, don't worry," Mary assured her.

"They just keep pestering me," Lily went on as if she hadn't heard, "Always trying to bring everything back to Slytherin and who I'm friends with, who I hang out with," she sniffled noisily, "It's always about how I shouldn't forgive Severus, that his House is all evil and no good comes from being around him. They claim the attack is proof. I know they think they mean well, but it just feels like their trying to blame me for what happened; like they think if I had stayed away I never would have been attacked."

"It's not your fault," Mary shushed, "None of this is your fault."

A knock rapped at the door.

"Go away, Jessica!" Mary called out harshly, "We're in no mood for your prying tonight."

"It's not Jess," came the muffled reply from the other side of the door. The door opened a crack and a round faced head poked in.

Mary blinked, "Nesme? But who snuck you in?"

Nesme squeezed into the room and shut the door lightly behind her.

"I didn't need to be," she admitted awkwardly, back against the door, "Who's with me has clearance."

"Well who's with you?" Mary inquired, baffled. In her arms, Lily continued to cry quietly.

"Okay, before I tell you," Nesme started guiltily, "Let me explain…I'm an only child. My mam wanted more kids after me, but when I was born, there were all these complications. The doctors said it was lucky her and I survived, but well…they said the lengths they had to go to sasave us…my mam could never carry a child again…"

"Okay…" Mary nodded slowly, wondering where the Hufflepuff girl was going with this.

"When my mam found out she couldn't get pregnant again, she was devastated. She said she felt like a part of her was missing, like it had been taking away. She used to say the worst part was that no one ever asked her before they took it, it was her body and she never got a say."

Lily's crying petered out, the redhead turning to look up at Nesme.

"Anyway, what helped mam get through it was this older lady from our church. She had cancer when she was young and no one warned her what the treatments would do for side effects; she was left barren. It hurt, but she eventually learned to move on with her life. What helped my mom do the same was talking to someone with a similar experience. Someone who had felt the same loss of something. So…" Nesme hesitated, her hand on the doorknob, "I know you've been having a hard time with this Lily, so I thought maybe you'd benefit from the same thing."

Nesme opened the door and in walked the last person Lily expected.

"Professor Sprout?" Lily gasped.

Professor Sprout smiled warmly as she stepped into the room.

"Nesme told me you might need someone to talk to," she said. She nodded to Nesme who politely stepped out and shut the door.

"But," Mary stammered, "That means, you've…so you were…?"

Sprout nodded sitting down on the edge of the bed a sad smile on her face, "I was eighteen. I was walking home from a pub. No one found me until morning," she admitted mournfully.

Mary and Lily's faces filled with horror and pain at that admission.

"I'm so sorry," Lily apologized tearfully.

Sprout waved her off, "It's been in my past for a long time, my dears."

"How," Mary began hesitantly, "How did it…?"

"It's okay to ask questions, Mary," Sprout encouraged kindly, "That's why I'm here." She leaned back a little, gathering her thoughts for what was sure to be a painful journey through her memories.

"It was after Christmas," she began, "I had graduated Hogwarts that past summer and started an internship with a local Herbologists. Every Friday we'd all go out for a pint or two at whatever pub we fancied that week to celebrate the coming weekend. I usually left when all my friends did, but one night, I stayed behind. There was this gentleman you see, a coworker. We had steadily gotten to know each other over the recent months. He shared my interests in various plants and he seemed like a nice young man." A bitter look clouded her face for a moment.

"What happened?" Mary asked.

Sprout sighed, "We stayed late this one particular evening, long after all our coworkers had gone home. We spent hours just talking, sharing stories, everything was going swimmingly. At closing time, the bartender turned us out into the snow and we started heading home. I had managed to throw back one too many drinks that nights, so…he offered to walk me home instead of letting me apparate. I agreed."

Lily and Mary listened, rapt with attention and trepidation.

"I should have listened to my gut that night," Sprout continued, "I should have just gone home alone. But, I trusted him; he gave me no reason to. It never even dawned on me until months later that in all the time we spent at the bar that night, he never had a single drink of ale."

"He set you up," Mary whispered.

Sprout nodded, "Indeed. As I was saying, he walked me home. Well, I thought that's where he was taking me at least. It took a while for me to realize I didn't recognize the street we were on. When I asked what was going on he kept dismissing my concerns, like I was being paranoid, but I knew we weren't going the right way. I got angry…then he got angry."

Lily held her breath.

Sprout took a deep breath, "A shopkeeper found me in the morning in the alley besides her shop. Flooed St. Mungos right away. The healers say it was a miracle that I hadn't gotten frostbite from lying like that in the snow…the only thing that kept me from freezing to death that night was that he had thrown my clock over me before he left, to hide me from view."

Tears welled in Lily's eyes. Next to her, Mary's hands were covering her mouth in horror, her hands shaking.

"And the guy?" Lily asked, almost dreading the answer.

"They caught him," Sprout informed them, "He wasn't hard for me to identify and even drunk, I would never forget his face. His claims of it being a mutual encounter fell flat when faced with the evidence of how violently I was left there. Even the bartender could attest he had been sober when we left, so he couldn't claim he had been too drunk to check on me before he left and that I had somehow fallen or gotten hurt on my own. No, it was pretty obvious what had happened…not that it mattered much."

Lily frowned, "What do you mean?"

Sprout smiled at Lily, patting her knee, "Things were different back then, dear. Not as many laws existed for such things here in the wizarding world. For women, our bodies were less about our autonomy and more about our marriages prospects. Society's biggest concern was that I was no longer deemed eligible for marriage."

"That's horrible!" Lily cried.

"Yes, it was," Sprout said, "But it was how things were done. A case was all but won in the matter of him 'sullying' me for potential suitors. He was ordered to pay my parents a hefty fine and he did. But when it came to addressing that it had been by force, well…his family was more prominent, he could pay off whoever he saw fit. It was considered a sure deal that if I went to trial for it, I would lose. His barrister offered my family a deal instead…he could solve my parents' concerns over my marriage options by marrying me himself."

Lily and Mary exchanged horrified looks.

"What did you do?" Mary asked.

"I went to trial," Sprout said with a wry grin, "Lost of course. But it hardly mattered. His face had been over the cover of every paper in magical Britain during the trial. Sure he tried to pay to have it all bury away, but the damage was done. Deemed innocent or not, speculation would follow him the rest of his life…and it did. If I recall, he became quite the recluse after that."

"But you lost," Lily stated, "He was in the wrong and the court ruled in his favor. Weren't you devastated?"

"When I was young, yes," Sprout conceded, "But as time went on, I found small victories in my decision, even with the result. I called him out on his crimes in public, I didn't let him silence me. I showed everyone, including hopefully anyone who had been harmed like me that it didn't ruin me; only wound me. I'd like to think I gave courage to other people in my situation. The victory was acknowledging what happened instead of letting the shame he hoped to instill in me keep me quiet."

She paused, chuckling slightly, "I know I make it all sound so strong and brave, but don't let it fool you, I was inconsolable for a while when it first happened. I stayed in bed for weeks, I didn't eat…and then I did nothing but eat. I stopped wearing make-up, I shredded my clothes, and I even cut my hair. I was angry at what happened and took it out on myself."

Lily looked down at the scratches and healing scabs on her arms, "Professor, how…how did you deal with everything."

"Honestly," Professor Sprout said, "I gave up."

Lily blinked, "What?"

"I stopped putting on a brave face, Lily," Sprout admitted, "I quit fighting with how I felt and just…felt. I let myself be angry, be miserable. And honestly, it felt freeing. This whole mess started because someone took away the control I had over myself, over my rights and my body and for once, it felt good to do what I wanted. I'd had enough of hearing people tell me to be strong or to hang in there. I was sick of people saying to be patient and keep my head up. I wanted to be upset; it was my right to be upset."

"You don't tell someone who's been stabbed to think positive," Sprout went on, "You don't tell someone who is terribly ill to put on a brave face or keep it together. You let them feel, express their pain. You let them heal. Being brave is a lie, Lily. It's what people tell you to do so that you mask your misery for their benefit, because your grieving makes them uncomfortable. There is no being brave, instead there's being human. Humans are made to break and heal and we can do it whether we smile or cry through the pain, so why not just cry if it feels best?"

She cupped Lily's face in her hands, "You've been putting on a tough act for these past months Lily because you thought that was expected of you. But you don't have to do that if you don't want to. It was your life affected, and your experience. You choose to cry or laugh now, no one else does. And crying isn't a weakness either."

"It's not?" Lily asked, her lip trembling.

Sprout shook her head, "No. Crying is good. You're still feeling, Lily. It shows that he didn't take away your heart, he didn't take away what made you yourself. If you're still feeling, then you're still you and he failed to take that from you."

Lily sniffled, tears welling in her eyes once more, "I hadn't thought of that," she admitted.

"That's okay," Sprout said, "It took me a while to realize it myself when I was your age. Now listen to me, both of you," she added, addressing Mary, "Things are difficult for you right now, I won't deny that. However, you don't have to deal with it alone. If you ever get tired of being brave, my door is always open."

Without thinking, Lily threw her arms around Sprout's neck, hugging her tightly, hiccupping into her shoulder.

Not phased in the slightest, Sprout patted her back comfortingly, reaching over to grasp Mary's hand and giving it a friendly squeeze.

'Thank you,' Mary mouthed at her.

I highly recommend you all check out the song "You don't know" by Katelyn Tarver. It inspired me in Sprout's advice to the girls. The truth is, sometimes pushing through grief isn't the answer. Sometimes healing means feeling and feeling hard; just letting it all out. The hurt, the rage, the betrayal and sadness, sometimes you need to express it in all it's unpleasant glory in order to release the negativity building up inside you. In college, when I first began to willingly discuss what happened to me years prior, I found comfort in the anger and anguish, in letting it out and making others realize it existed and that placating phrases and advice wouldn't make it easier for me. I raged at my mother once for having suspected what happened to me but never speaking out, I told her that while the culprit was family, I would never think of them without resentment, that I doubted I could ever learn to forgive when they never learned to regret. She let me unload all of it on her, and honestly when the red haze had cleared I felt better than I had in a long time.

I decided on Sprout as a survivor of assault because she struck me as the sort to find strength in feeling rather than concealing. She's warm and open but honest and to the point. I also wanted to address the myth many still have in our society today that only certain types of women or people are susceptible to being sexually assaulted. People think the conventionally pretty girl in the skimpy skirt is the prime target of a rapist, when in reality, surveys taken of incarcerated rapists showed they targeted women based on whether they were alone or wore clothing easy to pull off (which included sweat pants and sweatshirts) and if they had ponytails or long hair that made them easier to grab. Many rape victims are randomly targeted. In the biography "Lucky" author Alice Sebold discusses how her rapist grabbed her simply because she was alone, completely random and even expressed dissatisfaction with his pick when he got a good look at her.

I thought something Severus and Lily need to move on from their experiences is to know they are more than victims, they are survivors for still finding a way to live their lives after tragedy struck them. Seeing themselves solely as what their attackers made them won't help them get better; rather they need to see what they made themselves in the aftermath in order to find the power and will to go on.

Thanks for sticking with me so far. Your reviews give me so much joy.

Read and Review, please :)