Anakin waited by his Master's side patiently, as the healers milled about up and down the halls of healing, leaving the two of them largely unattended. It had been three weeks since the two of them had been rescued from Kraysiss Two. One of those weeks Anakin had been laid up himself, recovering from the numerous injuries he had received on the world.
The very next day after he had been discharged, he had been called to present his report before the Jedi Council. The thought of it had terrified him. He had never given a report to the council all on his own before. He had spoken to them alone, but this was different. How could he effectively keep secrets from the ones who could so decisively cut through his thoughts? They would examine them against the cold, unfeeling code they abided. He was nothing but a specimen for them to sift through, to find the valuable bits of information they needed. Or at least that was how Anakin felt, standing there alone before them, his Master still in dire straits, on the edge of death in the healing halls. They could all sense his unease, no matter how he tried to muster through it.
"Padawan Skywalker, what is your report of the mission to Kraysiss Two?" Mace asked with a soft edge to his voice, commanding yet not harsh.
"Well, Masters, as you may have already come to conclusion, the mission did not go favorably. We were… unable to effectively carry it out at all." Anakin answered back carefully, employing the manner in which he had seen his Master report to the council so many times before. It helped him hide the edge of fear that crept over his demeanor.
"Please speak in specifics. I know this has been a difficult mission for you, but the necessity for details has never been higher. You landed, and all was well. What happened after that?" Master Plo spoke kindly his words tinged with subtle concern that he tried to downplay to the best of his ability.
Sweat began to bead at Anakin's brow, no longer able to hide his restlessness at all. He remembered the hurt he had felt towards his Master for thinking of him as such a child. But the fear of their surroundings had bonded them closer. How he had found solace in his Master's embrace that night he was tormented with old, horrid memories.
Anakin looked down at the floor, it was easier than making eye contact with the council. He always felt judged by them, and it was even harder for him to not judge himself. His own personal criticisms reflected back at him in their eyes tenfold. Weak, pathetic, useless slave.
"It was all just fine until the first night. There were nightmares, visions. Master Kenobi sensed there were Sith artifacts buried on the planet to deter Jedi from getting too close. But we stayed on mission. We thought if it was just a war in the mind, that we could push through it." Anakin said, wishing he could go back in time and shake his Master by the shoulders, scream at him, how stupid it was to keep going when they should have just gone back.
Anakin paused. The council was silent, patiently waiting for him to continue. "But then there was this… this thing… It was all decayed and hollowed out, like a corpse. But it moved so fast. Obi-wan couldn't see it. I saw it. I tried to protect him," Anakin said, his voice breaking.
He had tried to protect him, just like he had tried to protect his Mother. He failed just as terribly, both times. He stopped, agonized by recounting the tale. Guilt like a ton of brick weighed on his chest for all the things he had done wrong.
"I couldn't save him, it moved too fast. I killed it, I think, as much as you could kill something that was already dead."
"The beast you speak of, it bit Master Kenobi's shoulder." Mace announced in affirmation of what they had already known.
"Yes." Anakin said, forcing his eyes to glance up towards Master Windu, a sorry failure written in his remorseful eyes.
"Did you notice any changes to him after that? Anything significant?" Ki-adi said. Anakin could sense that was the issue of most importance. Anakin's stomach filled with lead as he thought through the question.
"Yes," Anakin said, his eyes lidded as his skin crawled. "He fell ill shortly after. There was a terrible fever. He stopped dead in his tracks and collapsed. I had to set up camp. He didn't so much as move a muscle for half a day."
Anakin paused, wary to continue. The council waited ever patiently. "After that, he woke up and started to feel better, but his shoulder hurt him, really bad."
"Was there anything else?" Mace followed up expectantly, waiting for the rest. The man knew there was more. Anakin could see it in his damning amber eyes that looked out at him through slits in the man's perfectly dark skin.
Anakin nodded his head and swallowed hard. "Yes." A pause. All he could hear was the sound of his own desperate heart beat drumming loudly in his ears. The council waited. "I don't know how to explain it," Anakin said, wishing he didn't have to tell them at all.
"Do your best." Mace said, losing patience.
"He would get stuck, just stop everything. In the next second he would be… someone else." Anakin said, shivering.
"What do you mean, someone else?" Mace pressed him. "Did he hurt you?"
Anakin felt the blood rush from his face. "No, I mean, not really," he stammered. He couldn't tell them the whole truth, they would never let him see his Master ever again. His throat restricted in panic as his hands trembled.
"I was trying to change his bandage and he cut me. When we were trying to fly off world he crashed the transport on purpose. But it wasn't Obi-wan, it was someone else." Anakin insisted, trying to make his fear look warranted, since he knew he was doing a poor job of hiding it.
"Who do you think this 'someone else' was?" Mace said, his eyes boring straight through him.
"A Sith." Anakin said, feeling a shiver run down his spine.
"That's a bold declaration. How can you be so sure?" Ki-adi said skeptically.
"He said that's what he was. He wanted us to set him and the others free." Anakin said in an empty voice.
Mace's eyes narrowed towards Ki-adi, something passing unspoken between the two of them.
"And you did, didn't you?" Mace asked, his voice returning to a slightly softer tone.
"Yes. They said I was the one. The vessel." Anakin said, his stomach churning. He had never understood what that had truly ment.
"And what happened after that?" Mace asked, his voice sounding as if he knew the answer.
Only, Anakin had no recollection of what happened after that. "I… I don't know. After it was over, I was so tired. After the Sith were freed, Obi-wan collapsed. But then he came back, the real him. I was so relieved, I just closed my eyes. I must have passed out because that's all I remember."
Mace looked at him with what seemed like either skepticism or doubt. Perhaps both. "Interesting." He remarked.
"You might be interested to know when the Jedi came to rescue you and your Master, all the Sith were already dead." Master Plo spoke up.
"Slaughtered." Mace said in clarification.
Their words hung heavy in the air with implication, none giving any further clarification. Anakin looked down at the floor again, waiting for his dismissal. But still, the council sat in silence.
"Your transponder went silent just after you made landfall on Kraysiss Two. Perhaps a random hardware malfunction. Impossible to know now, since the ship is far beyond repair. Right after, we sent the rescue team out after you and your Master. Were it not for that, you would not have been rescued for several more days. You both would have died long before then." Mace added grimly.
"The force was with you, it would seem. Even if it did not feel true in the moment. The threat of the ancient Sith holocrons is now past, however, not at all how we had intended." Plo remarked, turning his head to look Mace straight on in what felt a contrary remark towards the Jedi Master.
"Yes, the threat is no longer. However, at what cost?" Mace shot back.
"Is Master Kenobi going to be alright?" Anakin asked, suddenly aware that all might not be well with the man. Was Obi-wan the cost they spoke of?
"His condition is unique, but he is stable for the time being. The healers are unsure of what to make of his condition." Mace stated factually.
"We have confidence that they will bring him back to full health." Ki-adi followed up in a reassuring voice. "However, until he is fully well, you will be under my care, as my own Padawan."
The declaration felt like a knife to his heart. Could he be so easily traded and passed to another Master? It felt like it meant he was leaving Obi-wan behind. They couldn't take him away from him, could they?
Ki-adi sensed his distress. "The intention is only to keep up your training, until Master Kenobi is able to resume his duties. It is not a permanent arrangement, but one of immediate necessity."
"Yes Master, I understand." Anakin said submissively, bowing his head. Another pause, as if they had something more to say, as if they were silently debating whether or not to divulge more information between silent looks, nods and expressions.
"Will that be all?" Anakin asked hopefully.
"Yes, thank you for your report, Padawan Skywalker. That will be all." Mace said, his hands splayed and pressed against one another, held thoughtfully before him.
Anakin walked as fast as he could without drawing attention to himself as he made his exit. Inside he was begging his Master to wake up, to get well. For his Master's sake, but mostly for his own. It was a selfish way to be, but he couldn't help it.
The weeks following his new assignment to Master Mundi had been droll and painful. He and Obi-wan had developed a routine between the two of them, a comfortable demeanor among one another. Ki-adi prodded too far one day, saying his difficulties about working under the guidance of another stemmed from his over familiarity with Obi-wan.
"Perhaps all has worked to your favor in that regard. Take this time to learn proper boundaries. It will serve you better in the long run, however uncomfortable it may be." He had said, cold and calculating.
Master Mundi had never been as harsh as Master Windu, never as calculating as Master Yoda. But he wasn't Obi-wan, so Anakin wasn't interested in trying to forge a new Padawan Master relationship with the man. He did his studies, his saber drills, even his meditations, and outside of those hours he would return to his true Master's bedside in the healing halls. None of the council even had the heart to try to keep him away, though all of them knew what a detriment of attachment it displayed. Anakin didn't care.
Because eventually Obi-wan would wake up, he would be as good as new. They could continue on seamlessly as if nothing bad had ever happened. Not that Anakin expected things to carry on in the exact same way. There were changes to their relationship that even he couldn't deny, had made everlasting changes to the way things were between them.
Every night Anakin thought about it, he couldn't pry his mind away from those fleeting moments. How Obi-wan had wanted him, needed him, it made his breath quicken, his heart pound in his chest. And then the red hot blade that would pierce his soul- Obi-wan didn't even know any of it was real.
Anakin had pondered over that, for hours upon hours, days since he had awoken in the healing halls. It made his chest fill with fear, with hope and paralyzing dread. What would he say when he found out? Would he think lesser of him? Be angry with him? What else was Anakin supposed to do but allow him to take what he wanted, how he wanted?
It was the only thing he could do. How the nightmare and dream were twisted, tangled up into one unbelievable reality. He couldn't help but feel he had done something wrong, that somehow this was all his fault. There was the haunting fear, that when Obi-wan found out what had truly happened, he would hate him.
Anakin thought of the two possibilities. He might tell him, or he might keep it forever a secret. Neither were preferential scenarios. If he told him, what good would come out of it? What would change? If he kept it to himself, let it die with time, he might fester into a rotten soup inside, curtling him from within.
Somehow he never pictured a happy ending. And he wasn't sure that's what he wanted, or if he even felt romantically towards him at all. Though how his Master had made him feel was unmistakable. The passion, desire, the sensation of someone inside of him, were all powerful, incredible, new. But for it all, what he thought he wanted most, was for things to return back to how they had been. But that was an impossible outcome.
Now Anakin pondered over it lazily as he sat by Obi-wan's bedside, exhausted. Training had been going well, as well as it could under Master Mundi. It seemed like Ki-adi had been piling on extra work for him, to keep him out of the healing halls, mourning over his Master's healing body. Mourning mostly, the way things had been. Anakin missed Obi-wan terribly, and the fact that he didn't know what sort of relationship lie ahead of them once Kenobi became well again, made waiting for him to return, that much worse. The surmounting number of unknown factors were gnawing at his mind.
A healer entered the small med room, interrupting Anakin's troubled thoughts. The Zabrak woman strode in right past him, waving a small diagnostic tool over his Master's body. She checked the small readout screen with neither a pleased or displeased expression on her pleasantly vacant face. She ignored Anakin. At this point he had become so frequently a fixture in the room, he was no more out of place than the lamp at Obi-wan's bedside, or the lights in the ceiling.
"Is he getting any better?" Anakin asked. The healer did not turn away from her business, checking charts and reading Obi-wan's vitals.
"He is stable, the nanites are continuing to work as they should, but it's much slower than our usual other methods. Tearing down and reconstructing each cell one by one takes time." The healer said simply before she holstered the scanner at her side and left the room as promptly as she had entered.
Anakin had been there each night when they came in to check the readout and do vitals. Every night he asked, and every night he received the same answer. But how could he not ask?
Nanites were seldomly used by the Jedi healers since force healing enhanced with kyber crystals was such a quicker method. But the virus that had eaten through Obi-wan's body, spreading necrotic lattices of tissue throughout his entire system, reacted adversely to force healing. Any use of the force only sped up the process of consumption. Were Obi-wan left on his own, he would have transformed into the same beast that had bitten him to start. Were he left without treatment for even a few more hours, the healers said it would have done too much irreversible damage to his neural cortex. The Sith virus would have corroded the man he was, burning him from the very fabric of his mind.
Anakin looked over at his Master. The man's color looked significantly better than it had the previous week, though the small black lines still ghosted faintly under the surface of his pale skin. Sometimes his face would look troubled, other times he looked quite peaceful. Mostly Anakin saw his own fear and dread reflected back in the man's kind features.
Anakin pulled his chair next to Obi-wan's bedside and dared to rest his head against the man's arm. Even while his Master's aura was stained by the Sith virus that ever ebbed out of his system, the gentle hum that surrounded the man was comforting as it had always been.
It made his eyes heavy with fatigue. He hadn't been able to sleep well since they came back to Coruscant. Even on that sith planet, he had slept better that night in his Master's arms after that terrible vision.
Anakin's stomach felt nervous to think about it. The thought of what had happened to his Mother, he hadn't really understood it as a child. Now, he felt he knew more than he had ever wanted to know. He wondered, did they hurt her like that Sith had hurt him? It made his blood boil with anger, his chest swell with confusion. Why did the Sith use his Master like that? To hurt him in ways that left him with gaping open sores in his chest, his heart, bleeding and festering with things he could never reconcile.
Anakin nestled his head on his Master's shoulder carefully, not to anger whatever healing wounds might linger beneath his med tunic. He wanted Obi-wan to wake up, to tell him none of it mattered and that everything was going to be okay. He wanted things that he could never have, that he would never have.
He closed his eyes and tried to mute everything that played on loop agonizingly in the back of his mind. All that existed was the gentleness of his Master's aura hanging around his own tormented soul. It pulled him into a deep, peaceful sleep.
….
Anakin stirred when a hand jostled his shoulder. It took him a moment to remember where he was. He had never ventured back to his quarters the night before. He fell asleep on Obi-wan's shoulder, and stayed there for hours. Now as he blinked his eyes open, he could see daylight streaming through the windows at the top edges of the room. The hand jostling his shoulder awake, was that of his adoptive Master, Ki-adi Mundi.
"Anakin, you've been here all night, and morning," he said, sharply chastising. "What do you have to say for yourself?" He added expectantly, as a parent would speak to a young child.
Anakin glared back up at him resentfully through squinted eyes, still adjusting to the daylight. "What time is it?" He willed himself to ask, not interested in justifying his reason for being there. In all honestly it was the best rest he had gotten in weeks. He couldn't sleep alone, in the empty apartment without Obi-wan.
"It's ten hundred standard hours." Ki-adi said dryly. "You've missed morning meditation, and you're late to practice."
"I'm sorry," Anakin said, omitting the title of Master. It didn't belong to him.
"You will change your clothes and freshen up, then report to practice at once." Mundi said, still unsatisfied by Anakin's apology. It was just as well that he wasn't. Anakin didn't much care.
"Master Mundi, is my Padawan causing trouble?" Obi-wan croaked, as he fell into a brief coughing fit.
Anakin's torso twitched around to see his Master opening his eyes, puffy with dark bags under them. But he was awake, alert, alive all the same. Anakin did not smile. His eyes went wide with surprise and a fraction of fear. So much had happened since the last time the two of them were together, within the safety of the temple walls. It left his mind reeling, flooded with thoughts and no words to say.
"Master Kenobi, you're awake," Ki-adi said in a change of tone. Surprise, though not entirely unpleasant.
"Indeed I am." Obi-wan answered, clearing his throat again. Anakin reached over for the tumbler of water on the side table and brought it near to his Master. His true Master.
Without a word Obi-wan pulled up his head enough to take a sip from the straw, wetting his throat and bringing his voice near to his usual fullness. "If you don't mind, I would like the day to catch up with Anakin."
"By all means, my charge of him was temporary, until you were well enough." Ki-adi explained, seeming glad to be rid of him. "Now that you're awake, I see no reason not to, for all intensive purposes, return him to your care. Of course he can train with others until you're physically capable."
"I appreciate that, Master." Obi-wan said humbly. "I'm sure Anakin does, as well." He added knowingly, sensing well the conflict that had been rife between the two of them.
"I'm sure." Mundi said with a curt glance that Anakin returned in kind. "Well at any rate, I'll inform the rest of the council of your recovery. As you regain your strength we will await your report on the mission. But of course, your health is priority."
Obi-wan's aura shifted uncomfortably, though ever subtly. No doubt it would have gone without notice in Mundi's eyes. Anakin felt it as if it were his own. Not that his emotions weren't beginning to storm around him, they most certainly were, and without the discretion his Master had tried to assert over his own emotions.
"Of course, Master. I'll make my report as soon as I'm able." Obi-wan said sincerely.
Anakin's heart fluttered nervously. "We look forward to it." Mundi said, making for the door, not giving Anakin any other notice or remarks. It wasn't his job, any more. "Rest up, Master Kenobi." Mundi said as a final parting gesture as he left the small room.
There was a small silence that filled the room in Ki-adi's absence. Anakin sat directly facing his Master, his eyes cast low. A healer entered the room.
"Master Kenobi, you're awake!" The same Zabrak that had checked on him the night before, remarked. She bustled around him, forcing Anakin to slide his chair back into the corner and watch as Obi-wan was subjected to a small number of tests. All of them were relatively quick, but the moment seemed to drag on forever.
Anakin would look over at his Master, lock eyes, then shamefully avert his own gaze. His stare was too intense, it only made him think of those few moments they had shared, that soured everything.
"No heavy exertion for the next week or so. Because of the unique strain of virus you are dealing with, we had to use nanites to reverse the damage. It uses force energy as an accelerant. Use it, and you risk getting just as bad as you were when you came in, maybe even worse. It was a near fatal case." The woman said sternly, yet not scolding.
"But so long as you take it easy, you should be able to resume your usual activities in about another week, it things continue to clear at the same rate." The zabrak woman said happily. "Just come in once a day so we can keep tabs on everything. But i'm sure you don't want to stick around here anymore than necessary."
"Not that I don't enjoy your company," Obi-wan laughed, trying to make light of things. Anakin could feel his distress.
"I'm sure," the healer said with sly eyes. "Regardless, you're free to leave. Remember to check in, like I said." The zabrak woman said as she turned to leave.
Anakin wasn't sure whether to say or go to, but leaving his Master at such a time seemed harsh. Besides it had been weeks since they had spoken, even longer since they had a chance to decompress. It didn't feel right to leave unless he was dismissed, and he wasn't about to ask.
As much as Anakin was afraid to meet his Master's gaze, Obi-wan seemed to be equally avoidant. The question lingered in the back of his mind, for the moment, remaining unspoken. It was wrong to burden his Master with more than he could deal with at the moment, he wasn't even fully well yet.
"I'm going to change then go back to our quarters. Will you join me?" Obi-wan said hesitantly, feeling out for Anakin's state of mind.
"Sure," Anakin said, stirring up as much positivity as he could manage to exert.
Obi-wan sensed the brightness in his voice, bringing a small smile to his lips. Though his Master didn't look him straight on, or say anything else.
"I'll wait for you outside, so you can get changed." Anakin said, politely dismissing himself.
A few moments later Obi-wan emerged from the small med room, dressed in a fresh set of his Jedi robes. Without seeming too evasive, Anakin noticed how the man avoided direct eye contact, as if he had something to hide.
He knows. He must know, Anakin thought. At the very least, what he had done to him, whether Obi-wan perceived it to have happened in the realm of reality or in his mind, plagued his conscience. Of course it would. But what was it that kept him from looking at him, fully? It was shame of some sort. The full roots of which, Anakin couldn't decipher.
Their bond existed, though it was willfully silent. Anakin could only feel vague traces come across, nothing solid to go on. The trek to their quarters was made in silent. As soon as they arrived, Obi-wan retreated to his personal fresher to take a much needed shower, after which he changed into a new set of clothes. Fully resolved to not leave for the rest of the day, his Master changed into his sleep clothes and a plush robe.
Anakin had prepared some tea for his Master while he showered and dressed. Obi-wan hadn't asked, but he knew the man well enough to know the gesture would be appreciated. And it was.
"Thank you," Obi-wan said genuinely as he settled down at the small table in the center of their living space. Another small smile graced his lips, though he didn't dare meet his eyes.
"Your welcome," Anakin said in turn, settling down across from Obi-wan with his own cup of the brew.
"So you gave Master Mundi quite the hard time it would seem," Obi-wan said in a light chastising manner.
"I guess you could say that," Anakin said evasively. He didn't want to admit how much of his own attachment had led to his behavior with the man. Even if he were to say it aloud, he didn't sense his Master was about to delve into the subject at length with one of his hallmark lectures. Something about his usual demeanor was muted. Anakin didn't have to guess at why.
The burning need to ask Obi-wan, to tell him the truth, ripped in his chest, tearing at his sense of calm he had fostered with delicate care. He knew his Master wouldn't be able to take the truth. Besides, Anakin wasn't sure how he felt about Obi-wan, anyways. He didn't know how he would find out, but he was entirely too conflicted to bring it up.
Thinking of it made him uncomfortable in his own skin. But there were other questions, ones that needed to be asked. "So, are you going to give your report to the council tomorrow?" Anakin asked in a rueful tone he wish he could have omitted.
A wave of muted fear flooded Obi-wan, only just barely felt through their bond. Anakin pretended not to notice. "I had intended on it." His Master answered solemnly.
A charged silence grew between them. Anakin tried to still the ever growing anxiety that took over his heart, choking any words from rising to the surface.
"I assume you've given your own independent report, as well?" Obi-wan followed up, not specifically coaxing information from him, but silently expecting a few details.
"Yes," Anakin said in short. Unspoken questions burned between the two of them, hanging thick in the air.
"And you've omitted details from your report, I assume." Obi-wan probed, for once his clear blue eyes nervously flitting over to meet Anakin's gaze.
Anakin stared back, a shade of pain taking form in his own eyes. "Yes," Anakin said, his single word a plea. Obi-wan lowered his gaze.
"Master," Anakin said, his neediness bleeding into his voice as he begged. "You promised," he declared, unspilt tears welling under his creased brow. He didn't need to say more for Obi-wan to understand his meaning.
"I did promise." Obi-wan stated, neither hinting to if he regretted it or not.
"Please," Anakin said, not fully convinced his Master would hold to his word. "Please don't tell them."
Obi-wan paused thoughtfully. Every moment was unbearable suspense that Anakin couldn't stand. It felt like the air had pulled out of the room, only silent vacuum in its place. Anakin clutched his cup tightly in his hands as his heart raced. He could see thoughts pass behind his Master's eyes as the man weighed the outcomes and possibilities. Anakin saw his future bleeding before his very eyes. What would he become without Obi-wan?
"I will do what's best for you," Obi-wan said in a voice on the edge of tears. "Right now, I don't know what that is."
Anakin slammed his cup down, the hot liquid sloshing out onto his hand. He didn't much care. His heart hardened and fractured. "So your word means nothing then?" Anakin shouted. "You can just make promises without a thought to keeping them?"
Obi-wan's face wore a heavy pain. "I'm just trying to be honest. I need to meditate on it, to see more clearly."
Anakin sneered as he rose from his chair. "Being honest would mean keeping your promise!" He snarled.
Obi-wan looked up, a rising anger in his jewel blue eyes. "If you could have handled honestly then, I would have given it." He shot, tearing through Anakin's delicate heart.
Honesty. Such a fragile thing. His Master didn't think he was strong enough to hear the truth. It was fair enough. Anakin didn't think his Master able to hear the truth he had to speak, either. Even though he wanted so badly to hurt him like he was hurting, Anakin withheld the truth from him still. Now, it would only push him further away.
Instead, Anakin glared back at him through teary eyes as he turned to retreat to his personal quarters. Once alone, he collapsed, letting to of the tears, allowing himself to feel the heartache that ripped through him.
Obi-wan would be willing to give him away, for what? Anakin had done nothing but follow his Master dutifully, listen to him, bend to his will, even when it ment using his own body. What had it earned him? For all of his faithfulness, he would be punished. His heart ached, reeling in confusion.
What did Obi-wan want? Perhaps his Master didn't even know. In all fairness, Anakin didn't know what he wanted, either. But he didn't want to be ripped from his Master's side, that much he was certain. In the end, what he wanted wouldn't mean a thing.