Obi-wan was beside himself when he found himself pinning his Padawan to the floor of the boy's quarters. He couldn't explain the reaction that had led them to this, but now that he had a moment to stop and think, he was horrified. Anakin's wrists were held firmly in his grip- posessively even. And he just lie there, no longer resisting or protesting. Anakin simply looked up at him with a startling expression mirroring what Obi-wan felt within himself, as well. And it terrified him.
As quickly as he could without calling on the force to aid him, Obi-wan rushed out of Anakin's quarters, his head faint and dizzy with panic. He ran, wishing he could get away from the hunger that stirred in his flesh- the need to have Anakin in all the ways he should never want. The feel of the boy's body beneath his own unleashed a tempest of forbidden desire. He was struggling against the sick, twisted thoughts, the likes of which he didn't want to be capable of feeling.
Only now there were no Sith to blame. His latent appetite had been exposed, and it had grown so much more ravenous for all the effort he put into his own denial. It made Obi-wan nauseous and shaky, a thin sheen of sweat manifesting on his brow. He wanted to rationalize, to find a reason for all of it. He supposed it was possible that he was experiencing the tail end of the virus. He begged the force to take it from him, along with the last bits of dark tissue that had woven itself throughout his body. He prayed for it to take it away from him, the curse that it was. He would even cut off his own arm if it meant he wouldn't have to be plagued with such seditious cravings.
But the force couldn't be bargained with, not at any cost.
….
Obi-wan's abrupt leave from Anakin's quarters left him stunned, still pinned in place as if his Master had continued to hold him down. His heart was heavy, weighed down by the emptiness of being alone. He pressed his wrists into the rough carpet, needing to feel someone's wanting hold on him.
He didn't know if he loved his Master that way, but the physical nature of such contact made him feel. It blotted out everything that confused his heart and mind. There was no room to think. It was bliss, and Anakin knew he needed more.
But Obi-wan was just as confused as he was, Anakin's chest burned with restless anger as he thought of it. His Master wouldn't be able to give him any meaningful answers or peace of mind, when he had no such thing within himself. They were a broken pair of souls, fractured down the middle of their bond, things like longing and desire shattered in fragments on both sides. But it did little to draw them together. It only seemed to drive them further apart.
Anakin needed to sort himself out, but he didn't know where to begin. His Master was usually his guiding light, the one who kept him sure footed when he was close to losing his way. Only now, Obi-wan was just as lost as him. His heart filled with lead and sank down into his belly. It had become apparent to him now more than ever, that things would never go back to the way things were.
….
It had been a long, silent week. Obi-wan continued on acting as if nothing had happened. Anakin tried his best to let him, as much as he could put his own hurt feelings aside. Just as usual, he had been less than successful. There had been multiple shouting matches between the two of them, typically over things that were less than trivial. Of course the issue at hand, the real issue was never spoken of. It lie silent between them, ever present in their minds, never present in their words.
But it had been tangible, between Obi-wan's avoidant stare, how he seemed to wilt at the simplest things. Aside from the changes in his demeanor, Obi-wan had been working hard to portray his usual sternness. Only before it had been undercut with a gentleness of intention. Now, that had been replaced with an even less adept aloofness than he had ever possessed before.
In it all, Anakin knew what his Master was fighting against. It made his chest tickle with nervousness when he thought about it. Obi-wan would never act on it, never like he had back on Kraysiss Two. How could he give himself license to do such a thing? Anakin wanted him to be so bold, wanted him to reach out, to touch him like he wanted to. He was tired of the games, the act of making it seem as if everything was just fine, when it wasn't. But he knew that was never going to happen. The only sure thing was that his Master would continue on acting distant as their bond deteriorated. It had already slowly began to crumble.
That was why Anakin hadn't felt his Master's presence when he walked through the doors to his quarters. It was nearing night time, and Anakin hadn't eaten dinner that night. Or the night before, or the one before that. He had been deliberately skipping the meal to avoid having to sit with his Master. Before this whole mess, they would sit together in their shared living quarters and eat dinner nearly every night with one another.
With every night Anakin had been absent, Obi-wan hadn't said a single thing about it. Anakin wondered what was different about this night? He supposed he was about to find out.
Anakin glanced over at his Master, then resumed looking straight forward at the wall. In spite of his still exterior, Anakin could feel his heart slam against his ribs, his stomach tightening as his breath became shallow. There was the anger that had been so constant, rising in his chest. His skin tickled and his heart ached. It was all bitter ash in his mouth, making his lips curl into a slight frown.
"We're leaving for the Temple of Eedit tomorrow morning," Obi-wan said in his typical Jedi Master voice.
"So you're not sick anymore?" Anakin asked, giving Obi-wan a side glance. If his Master was truly better, he would be genuinely happy for it. But he wasn't going to be showing such displays of emotion. Not even a smile could break from the ever slight frown that took hold of his lips.
"No," Obi-wan said, his voice unsure, although his words were absolute. "I've been declared fit for duty."
"Do you feel better?" Anakin asked, curious at the uncertainty in Obi-wan's words.
"I don't know, I suppose so," Obi-wan said passively, ready to quit the subject. "Regardless, we'll be leaving at seven-hundred hours tomorrow morning." He paused, seeming as if there were something else to be said.
Anakin looked over at him again, this time holding his gaze. The lock of eyes stirred the man to continue. "I figured you would want to eat some dinner, since we have a long day of travel ahead of us tomorrow." Obi-wan said, gesturing towards the living quarters. His eyes were tired yet soft, not the defensive, distant look he had during the last week.
But Anakin was afraid to lower his guard, lest his heart be hurt again, or worse, should he lose his temper. "I'm not hungry." Anakin said flatly, his stare returning to the wall again.
"Are you sure?" Obi-wan asked, maybe even a shade of pain in his voice. Anakin returned with silence.
"Alright, I'll see you in the morning, then." Obi-wan said, turning to leave.
Anakin sat up for the remainder of that evening, into the late, then early hours, brooding. His eyes were heavy with fatigue by the time Obi-wan entered his room again that next day.
"Anakin?" Obi-wan called out, talking to the lump under the covers that was his barely conscious Padawan.
"Mmmh." Anakin grumbled angrily, stirring under the covers. He had only just fallen asleep as his Master had come in to wake him.
"Come now young one," For a moment he almost thought he could hear tell of a smile in Obi-wan's voice. It sent a jolt of hope into Anakin's tired heart.
"Okay, okay," He answered groggily. "I'll be out in a minute." Obi-wan turned to leave while Anakin got himself ready.
Less than an hour later, the two of them were boarding a small transport. Anakin took the helm, not willing to let the pilot droid fly for them. Not only would it be an effective way to avoid the heavy awkward silence that would undoubtedly thicken the air between them, but Anakin wasn't ready to let anyone else fly, not since the crash on Krayssis Two.
Seemingly indifferent to Anakin's intention to be unavailable for conversation, Obi-wan sat beside him in the co-pilot's chair as they rose up into one of the express extraplanetary departure lanes reserved for official Republic use. Anakin loved to fly, but he hated the Coruscanti gridlock that plagued the world. Between his Master sitting irritatingly silent beside him, and the longer than desirable que to get out into hyperspace, he began to grow restless.
"You can go back and rest Master, I won't crash the ship, I promise." Anakin said dryly.
"I've never doubted your skills as a pilot, Anakin." Obi-wan answered back in a measured, subdued voice.
Anakin sighed. Then what do you want? He wanted badly to ask, but things weren't well enough for him to be so blunt. If he started down that path, it was only going to spiral from there. That much, he knew. It had been the pattern over the last week, anyhow.
"It's been a long week, we've not spoken much since…" Obi-wan wan started then trailed off. Anakin could hear the man's hand running down the length of his face, pulling over his auburn beard in moderate distress.
"I know things have been... tense between us," Obi-wan continued. Anakin's heart began to pound in his chest, quickening his breath. Why did he have to talk about this now, of all times? Did he really have anything to say?
"I need to apologize, I haven't been as available for you as I ought to. I've been distracted. That last mission has affected us both more than I think either of us have admitted. I haven't been the Master you deserve." Obi-wan confessed, his words mild and sincere.
Anakin's heart wrenched as his Master pulled on wounds that continued to bleed deep within. He stared out the viewport intensely as he looked ahead to the next ship in line. Only three more vessels to go before he could throttle out past the gridlock. His hands itched in anticipation. He wanted to get up and run, to exert himself. Anything to get out of the uncomfortable conversation that unfolded in the small cabin of the transport he found himself stuck in.
"I'm not blind to the fact that I might not know the… the scope of all you went through on our last mission." Obi-wan spilled, every one of his words sounding painfully forced. "It's been selfish of me to ignore it."
Anakin felt a lump grow in his throat. He wanted to laugh, to scream, to burst into tears. To go to Obi-wan and bury his face in his Master's chest, to hold him, to hit him, to throw him out an airlock, to hurt him how he had been hurt. It was all too much, it made him feel sick as the color of his skin turned ashen. Anakin gripped the yolk in his hands as if it were the only thing keeping him alive, the peaks of his knuckles turning white.
"I'm sorry," Obi-wan said in a whisper. Anakin didn't look but he thought he might have heard a few tears in his horrified voice. Two more ships in front of them. Just two more and then Anakin could turn on the autopilot and retreat into the fresher, lock the door, stay there for as long as it took for him to feel okay.
The whole week he had wanted his Master to open up, but he never wanted this. Obi-wan thought of him as weak, pathetic. Anakin only wanted to have things cleared up between them, not for his Master to pity him.
"You know, after the Sith came through, I woke up and you were all bruised and cut up, and just laying in my arms, I-" Obi-wan stopped, breathing through a sob that wanted to rip out of his throat. "I thought we were both going to die. It's the only time i've ever felt that way. I was so angry," he lamented.
Anakin lowered his gaze from the viewport to look over at Obi-wan. Sparse tears fell from his weathered eyes. He didn't wipe them away, or apologise for them. It seemed wrong to sit and watch his Master lay such vulnerable truths at his feet. Anakin wanted to stop him, it was clear every word was torture for him to speak. But he kept on.
"After what they had done to you I… the dark, it was everywhere, and I used it, I killed them like it was nothing." Obi-wan said, his eyes empty, his face pale.
Suddenly Anakin turned from his own muddled feelings. It was easy to put himself aside when his Master was so obviously distraught. Anakin might have expected what Obi-wan was saying to shock him, but it didn't. And he most certainly didn't think worse of him for it. The council had alluded to him doing as much, but he had never expected a confession from the man.
"You did what you had to do," Anakin said honestly. Only one more ship in line before them, now.
Obi-wan broke into a short laugh, his eyes not smiling but showing a deeper fear. "So I tell myself."
"The Sith are our sworn enemies." Anakin stated as fact. "They're a threat to all living things."
A flash of agony lit up his Master's eyes. "I can't justify what was done."
"What other option did you have, Master? If you didn't kill them, they would have killed both of us." Anakin said, confused at what had Obi-wan so torn. Yes, he called on the dark. But in that place, the light was scarce to be found.
"I didn't kill them because they were Sith." Obi-wan said, his eyes deeply introspective.
"You killed them because they were going to kill us." Anakin repeated insistently.
"No." Obi-wan said, shaking his head.
"Then why?" Anakin asked, even more confused, near frustration.
"Because of what they did to you." Obi-wan nearly whispered, his face wrought with anguish. "I thought you were lost."
Anakin's breath faltered. He could feel his Master's regret loudly, almost as if it were his own. It felt strange to have Obi-wan admit such a thing to him, such evidence of attachment, the sort forbidden to any Jedi.
"I think any other Master would have felt the same." Anakin rationalized, trying to ease the burden from Obi-wan's shoulders. Afterall, it was natural for Masters and Padawans to form attachments, bonds. In such extreme situations as the one they had been in, there weren't many alternatives, regardless of personal feelings.
"Maybe." Obi-wan said. Clearly he didn't feel any better for Anakin's practical remarks. Now who was the cold calculating one, and who the emotional one? The role reversal was comical, and brought a small smile to Anakin's face.
Obi-wan's expression lightened slightly. "What are you smiling about?" He asked, still serious but with less pain in his eyes.
"It's just ironic, I'm usually the inconsolable one, not the logical one." Anakin said with his brows raised in a light tone. Finally it was their turn to break orbit. Anakin pulled back on the accelerator and sped off into the hyperspace zone, where at last, they began their journey.
Anakin's eyes had been fixed on the controls when Obi-wan spoke, but he could hear the man's mood lighten, even letting out a small chuckle. "That it is," he said, taking a breath for composure.
"That it is."
….
It had been a long day of travel for Obi-wan and Anakin by the time they made it to Devaron. As much as they both were ready to sleep, at the temple day had only just broken, so there was no time for rest.
Their journey had been spent in a less cumbersome silence after the slight dialogue they had shared at the start, but Anakin still wasn't entirely at ease with the way things were. Though things had greatly improved. And it had only taken a few uncomfortable moments, a few painful words. It had clearly helped his Master, who now exchanged his look of suffering for one of neutral exhaustion.
Anakin knew it would take a lot more for things to be alright, but it was a good start. One thing seemed to be clear on both sides, and that was the fact that their relationship was important to both of them. They shared an attachment to one another, whatever the truth of it might have been. Obi-wan wasn't going to cast him aside or give up on him, and Anakin wasn't going to either. With that set in stone, everything else would follow accordingly, he was sure. So it was okay that things were uneasy, a tad bit uncomfortable.
As they sauntered out of the transport onto the small landing pad down the road from the temple, already Anakin could feel the powerful vergence in the force the temple had been constructed atop. The strength of it along with the life of the sprawling growth all around them, was pacifying. Obi-wan stretched and breathed in the early morning air, the sun only just cresting beyond the thick canopy of trees beyond the temple.
It was a majestic sight. In many ways, Devaron was similar to Kraysiss Two, both worlds displaying lush greenery. And for how much light energy was concentrated in this place, Kraysiss Two had held an equal portion of darkness. But here everything was brimming with life and light. Even in comparison to the Jedi Temple on Coruscant, the force was distinctly powerful around the Temple of Eedit.
Instantly, Anakin understood why they had been sent there. The force seemed to foster regeneration and healing. He could feel the light pulling at his own darkness, dissolving the hardened edges like it was nothing. Like it wasn't the result of a life born into slavery, with so many wounds of the soul as a result.
With a sense of brightening spirits, Anakin looked over to Obi-wan who wore a kind smile. He didn't hastily avert his eyes afterwards, nor did he hold a shameful core to his gaze. It was the first time Anakin had seen him so unburdened since before their Sith ordeal. It pulled the weight of too much off of his shoulders. Maybe in this place, he could simply be a Padawan again. And Obi-wan, could simply be his Master.
As Master and Padawan neared the doors to the temple, another pair of beings emerged from within. A male Zabrak Master stepped forwards, his robes a lighter, creamier color than the taupe and brown that had been most common for wear on Coruscant. The brightness of his clothing contrasted the rich umber of his skin, even more shocking were the lavender colored irises in his wide shapely eyes.
The other being who stepped forwards with him, presumably his Padawan, was a boy that seemed to be around Anakin's age, give or take. He was average in stature, his raven colored hair fashioned in a slightly longer than usual Padawan's cut, the customary braid hanging forward over his shoulder. His eyes were a nondescript gray or blue, indistinguishable in color at the distance which they stood. His robes were golden with lighter cream colored cloth layered atop them. Both Padawan and Master seemed bright with energy, beaming through the force. Even Obi-wan seemed to be surprised by their strong presence as they came near to the Temple.
"Hello, I'm Obi-wan Kenobi and this is my Padawan, Anakin Skywalker. We've been sent to-" He started formally but was cut off by the Zabrak.
"Yes, yes, Kenobi and Skywalker. We are honored you've decided to come all this way for such a mundane assignment," the man stated in a soft yet charismatic voice.
"No such thing as a mundane assignment," Obi-wan countered, put off only slightly.
"In formalities, of course not. But you need not be so formal with us, Master Kenobi." The Zabrak chuckled. "But how rude! I haven't given an introduction. I am Zaann Qualturus and this is my Padawan, Jerot Tokani." Zaann said, with a grand sweeping gesture of his arm. "I oversee temple affairs."
Obi-wan showed a small smile beneath raised brows as he bowed his head. "A pleasure, thank you for having us."
"Nonsense! The pleasure is ours." Zaann insisted in a melodic tone of voice, that Anakin was beginning to understand, was his typical cadence.
"If you will, we would like to take you on a tour, to get you both acquainted with your new, temporary home." Zaann said in the next moment.
Anakin and Obi-wan bobbed their heads agreeably. "Splendid! This way, follow me," he continued, genuinely extatic to show off the small temple grounds.
….
The temple tour had lasted the whole morning. For how small the grounds were in comparison to Coruscant, they were still sizable and large enough to be rather grand. Obi-wan had been exhausted upon arrival, but now he found himself even more drained than before.
And it was more than just a physical exhaustion, it was his soul, his spirit that was aching from being bathed in so much darkness for so long on Kraysiss Two. Obi-wan was surprised he hadn't healed more spiritually while on Coruscant. After all, the Jedi Temple there was perched atop a powerful force nexus. But that for some reason, wasn't quite the same as being here.
But all the same, he had been sulking that entire week, and still affected by the Sith virus. Now that he was free of the dark strain, he was able to draw upon the light as much as he desired. It was something he had been missing ever since they landed on Kraysiss Two. Now Obi-wan intended to make up for lost time, opening himself up to the force completely. And in this place, it was easy.
Even Anakin had loosened up, the boy's shoulders becoming less rigid. Perhaps he was on his way to making a friend, Zaann's Padawan, Jerot. The two of them had been talking and laughing all morning during the tour. It brought a genuine smile to Obi-wan's lips and a warmth to his heart to see Anakin not only healing from the horror of their last mission, but connecting with someone his age. Anakin had always struggled to get along with other Padawans. Perhaps it was the energy of this place, purifying his spirit. Obi-wan hoped it was so.
Obi-wan felt the light working on his own darker aspects and fears. It seemed to put things into perspective, brushing things aside or eliminating them altogether. Now when he looked at Anakin, with some effort, he was able to put the lurid images and memories to the back of his mind.
It wasn't quite automatic, but the shame seemed to be detached from his struggle so that he could become more objective. He no longer feared the feelings that stirred inside of him, but saw them differently. Because he cared about Anakin, that's why he had, and would continue to do everything in his power to do what was best for the boy, no matter how hard it might have been. He loved Anakin, and that conquered everything else.
And the light would seem to agree with that sentiment, too. Or at least, it encouraged it. Obi-wan wasn't entirely sure it was a line of thought the council would agree with, and was nearly certain they would vehemently disagree, but it didn't matter. And that, surprised Obi-wan to no end. It was usually unlike him to disagree with the council, inwardly or externally, but he was at peace with his emotions, and with himself. Finally, he had found a sense of acceptance.
It was a tangible quality all throughout the temple of Eedit. It was personified by Master Qualturus, who smiled broadly often and whose charismatic gentleness was refracted by every Jedi in the temple they had come into contact with. Obi-wan was trying to narrow down the exact differences between Eedit and the Coruscant Temple when the two of them were finally taken to the dorm section. It seemed like there was a simplicity to life here that was all but missing in Coruscant, but he had only been able to think in broad terms, as his mind had tired after being awake for so long.
"I'm sure you both must be exhausted," Zaann said emphatically. "You two should get settled, rest up a bit, then if you are so inclined, come down to the dining hall. Dinner is served in about two hours."
"Two hours? It's hardly noon," Anakin blurted.
"I'm afraid our cycles are much shorter than the ones you're used to. And as such, we only eat two meals per day. Breakfast and Dinner." Zaann explained. "But you'll acclimate to it rather quickly, everyone always does."
"You would know that if you kept up on your temple classes, Anakin," Obi-wan chided playfully.
"He'll have plenty of time to get caught up, here. Less hustle and bustle than Coruscant, many say it makes it easier to focus." Zaann said with a smile.
"At any rate, here are your quarters. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to let us know." Zaann said in departure.
"Thank you for everything." Obi-wan said with a short bow which Anakin emulated perfectly.
"And it was nice to meet you Master Kenobi, Anakin." Padawan Jerot said with a polite nod of his head towards the both of them.
Once the two hosts turned to leave, Obi-wan and Anakin hastily entered their temporary shared quarters to collapse on their respective sleepers. There had been no debate on which room would go to whom, since they were both identical, save for a larger window in one, which Anakin left for his Master.
The moment Obi-wan's head hit the pillow, he fell asleep.