Hello everyone! Welcome back!
As per usual, a big, fabulous thank you to everyone who reviewed, faved, left kudos, etc. Your continuing discussions and opinions are wonderful. :)
So, big heads up on this chapter: there's a trigger warning.
Nothing too bad, but this does bring up the concept of dubious consent, in this case someone pursuing sex they do not actually want.
That being said there is NO RAPE in this chapter. Nor sex.
This warning will make more sense once you read the chapter.
If Someone Cared Enough
Chapter Fifty-Five: Dark Day
It was a dark morning in the Evans household.
Sitting in silence around the breakfast table, Willow, Hank, and Petunia attempted and failed to act casual. Beside Hank, Severus sat staring into a cup of black coffee, no longer warm, never even sipped. He shot discreet glances to the redhead on his left as Lily stared vacantly into the distance, mechanically eating her porridge.
Spread out before everyone on the table was the Daily Prophet, the front page baring an alarming headline for all to see:
Death Eaters Ambush Prisoner Transfer
Criminals on the Loose!
The story detailed the sudden appearance of Death Eaters, led by Bellatrix Lestrange, upon the transfer party midway to Azkaban prison. At least three Aurors lost their lives in the initial firefight, two others severely injured. This number didn't remain long, as by the time Moody and back-up arrived, the body count had risen on both sides, a ten Aurors casualties to the DE's seven. Captured Death Eaters included Wilks Senior and Lancaster Travers. Bellatrix, however, managed to escape, taking advantage of the chaos to take Avery and Mulciber with her. As of early morning when the papers went out, there was no news on the escaped prisoners' whereabouts, nor any leads.
This news was naturally receiving very poorly by Lily's family. Horrified and angered that such a thing could happen, Willow and Hank were at a loss for how to comfort their daughter. For years, they'd taught their girls to put their trust in police, in authority figures sworn to protect and uphold justice. It was the level of security a step above their own, for when the strength and will of good old mom and dad was not enough to assure their girls that they were safe.
Now the law had failed their youngest, losing track of her attacker in what should have been a routine transfer. And the law in question possessed magic; if they couldn't be expected to protect their little girl, then who could?
Instead, they clung to muggle ideals of home security, unwilling to acknowledge how futile it might be against something like magic. Hank went over in his head all the places in the attic he'd stored his old hunting rifle and equipment, while Willow had plans to look into perhaps purchasing a guard dog. Severus, having heard their whispered discussion early that morning when he woke up, didn't have the heart to tell them a dog was no use against wand, and there were little records of successful kills to wizards by guns, considering apparition and disillusion gave many the advantage of escape.
If they were lucky, they'd never have to put either option to the test. A patronus of a Basset hound arrived shortly after the start of breakfast to inform them all a warding expert in the Auror department would be over that afternoon. The defenses going up would hopefully lay everyone's worries to rest.
It probably would not assuage Severus's concerns, though. Mulciber was a follower and a coward; it was very unlikely he'd pose further threat to anyone on his own. With his decrying of You-Know-Who's cause there wasn't much risk of him being used in attacks. If he was allowed to live at all for his betrayal, chances are he'd be kept as little more than a battered reminder to others to not fail as great as he did. He'd be little more than a human House elf to the cause now, sniveling, serving the more dangerous followers while praying a wand was never turned on him.
Avery though, was a different story. While normally more subdued and discreet in school over his alignment in the growing war, when crossed Avery showed a surprising level of viciousness. He was similar to a trained animal at the circus, willing to perform, tame as you please, until you poke him too hard or annoy him too greatly. Then he'd strike with calculated precision, all venom and fangs.
While far from scholarly and barely average in intelligence, Avery demonstrated a surprising amount of cunning when angered. He lack the foresight to prepare for possible consequences, even lacking the common sense to avoid someone catching him, but the actual vengeance he implemented was oftentimes harsh and brutal. It was only Roiser and the older Slytherins' influence in the school that kept some of Avery's nastier actions hidden behind the closed doors of their common room, where housemates often met his wrath in place of those who angered the boy.
Now he was free of the mask he'd been expected to wear at school. A self-confirmed Death Eater; he no longer had to mask his intentions and had the freedom to act indiscriminately however he chose. His unpredictability when mad made him a bit of a wild card for Severus. He most certainly hated Severus and Lily for his incarceration, but whether he'd seek them out wasn't necessarily guaranteed.
For years, Avery kept up the mask of a neutral or mildly biased student at school by redirecting his anger onto people he could get away with hurting. So used to taking his anger out on who was available rather than who was to blame, he'd grown accustom to simply receiving the satisfaction of revenge without context. In his mind, someone, anyone, was hurt and therefore he was appeased.
Which was why it was so hard to guess whether he'd carry out his promise of revenge on Lily and Severus. He could come after him or he could very well feed his lust for violence with some unsuspecting witch, wizard, or muggle at random. It generally didn't matter who upset or wronged him so long as someone paid for it as soon as possible. It could very well be that Avery would grow impatient waiting for the opportunity to present itself to get Severus and Lily and just move onto to someone else.
Regardless, Severus didn't wish to take chances. Avery was a monster, rival to that of Bellatrix. For years, Severus thought no one compare to the eldest Black daughter in terms of cruelty and inhumanity. Her appetite for pain and misery was insatiable, found in the most innocent of creatures. Bellatrix's penchant for harming animals and children borderlined on predilection, a desire for suffering that turned even the hardest man's stomach.
Now came Avery with his abhorrent willingness to violate someone in the most unforgivable of ways and it seemed he and Bellatrix were far more similar than first thought. While Bellatrix herself never showed an interest in victimizing her targets in such a manner, she reveled in the carnal misdeeds of the male Death Eaters, lording female victims' helplessness and terror over them during the act. She showed an utter lack of empathy for her own gender and sex, enjoying the pain of her fellow women. Severus shuddered to think what a pair Avery and Bella would make if partnered together for an attack; the pair were savage by themselves.
Severus rubbed at his neck self-consciously. Ever since the paper first arrived, he kept having little phantom pains where his scar rested on his throat. He'd experienced a few sporadic ones early on in the healing process, but now they were coming every few minutes. Clearly it was all in his head, but it didn't do much to ease the bubbling well of anxiety inside him. Perhaps another session with Marcus was in order. It'd been a few weeks since he last saw the muggle doctor.
Severus side-eyed Lily; he wondered if she would send a letter to Professor Sprout due to this new development. The woman had helped her greatly back at school. It was either that or try and convince Lily to see Marcus with him and even though Lily knew Marcus was a nice man, Severus doubted she would feel completely comfortable discussing her trauma with someone sharing the same anatomy as her attacker. Then again, she'd been doing fairly well around boys for a while now…maybe she'd be alright with a male doctor…?
"Lily," Severus began only to stop when said redhead suddenly put her spoon down.
"I'm not very hungry," she declared monotonously. Pushing up from the table, she walked rigidly out of the room without another word.
"Lily," Severus called after her, standing up as well. He paused to give a polite smile to Lily's parents, "Breakfast was lovely, Willow. Please excuse me." He hurried off after Lily.
Severus found Lily not in her own room, but his. Sitting on the bed staring at the hands in her lap, Lily looked neither sad nor angry. Just lost.
"They'll be caught, Lily," Severus assured, though he doubted the conviction of his own words, "They won't get us."
Lily didn't give any indication she was listening, continuing to stare off into space.
Severus licked his lips, trying again, "The wards will be up this afternoon. It'll be safe here."
Lily's eyes flickered up to Severus for a moment, and then dropped back down to her lap.
"They'd have to be crazy to attack a house that's heavily guarded," Severus reasoned.
"They had to be crazy to attack us on a busy train in broad daylight," Lily said suddenly.
Silence hung heavy between them after that statement.
Severus looked off to the side, ashamed he had no rebuttal to that argument.
"They don't care about consequences," Lily said eventually, breaking the silence, "They barely consider that they can get caught, and that just means there's little chance they'll restrain themselves to avoid discovery."
Lily laughed, just a single, hollow chuckle, "They're stupid, but that just makes it scarier. Someone smarter might not act at all out of fear of arrest. But them, they'll probably come charging in here without a second thought."
"And the wards will bring the Aurors here straight away," Severus said.
"And how quickly will that be?" Lily challenged. She looked away sadly, "A lot can be done in a matter of minutes, Sev. It only took a second for me to nearly lose you."
"But you didn't lose me," Severus said softly.
Lily wiped her eyes with a sniffle. Quickly getting up from the bed, she went to Severus's side, wrapping her arms tightly around him.
Severus returned her embrace, "I'm here for you, Lily," he promised, "Avery can't tear me away."
Sniffling, Lily squeezed Severus tighter.
"But what if it isn't Avery," she asked, "Lucius threat was pretty clear; they're after you. What if they send someone else; someone stronger?"
"Then I will fight like a rabid dog," Severus said with resolve, "I'll do whatever it takes to protect you, Lily."
"That's what they're counting on," Lily whimpered, tucking herself further into Severus's arms, "I'm the bargaining piece."
Severus wraps his arms around Lily tighter, "No you're not."
"But I am," Lily insisted, pulling back some to look at him, "Severus, promise me you won't join them for me. I don't care what they promise you, whether it's to kill me or spare me. Just promise that you won't."
Severus sighed, not this again, "Lily, we've been over this…"
"Promise me," Lily repeated.
"I promise," Severus said firmly. It baffled his mind how Lily honestly still thought that a risk for him. He wasn't stupid; he knew a trap when he saw it. Lucius just wanted to trick him.
"Good," Lily said. She leaned up and kissed him.
Severus returned the kiss, expecting the usual sweet, slow indulgences as of late. Therefore, it came as a surprise to him when the kiss turned harsher, more urgent.
Lily clung to Severus fiercely, digging her hands into his hair and holding on tight. Kissing with bruising force, Lily pressed herself as close to Severus as possible.
Severus welcomed the urgency, threading one hand through Lily's hair and placing the other low on her back, groaning when Lily bit his lip lightly.
It wasn't until he realized he was being moved that Severus started to question things.
"Lily," he began, his voice muffled as Lily mashed her lips against his again.
Severus tried not to trip as Lily walked backwards, pulling him along without breaking the kiss. Confusion rolled inside him as he attempted to extract himself from Lily's arms to ask just what it was she thought she was doing.
Suddenly, Lily took Severus by the shoulders, moving them around to switch places.
The back of Severus's knees hit his bed and he fell backwards in alarm, "What?"
Lily was on him in a heartbeat. Resuming their kiss, Lily straddled Severus working at the button on his nightshirt.
"What are you doing?" Severus asked when Lily broke the kiss.
"Just go with it, Sev," Lily whispered, "Let's just…Let's just enjoy it."
"Lily," Severus protested, "Lily wait!" Severus managed to push Lily back a bit, faltering her movements.
"Lily, think about what you're doing for a minute," Severus insisted, "This is crazy."
"But why is it crazy?" Lily asked, "You want me, I want you. Can't we just…be together and forget everything else for a minute." She reached for the waist of Severus's pants.
Severus grabbed hold of Lily's hands, "Lily, stop," he said sharply, "Listen to yourself. This isn't like you."
Lily refused to meet Severus's eyes. Feebly, she tried to tug her hands out of Severus's grip, but he held form.
"Would it really be so bad if we did this," Lily asked softly, "I mean…it should be with someone I want...Don't you want me?"
"Of course I do," Severus said. It was honestly killing him to have Lily so close, practically offering herself on a silver platter, "But is it really what you want?"
Lily looked away, her eyes red rimmed. She muttered, Severus straining to hear it.
"Avery can't take it away if I give it to you…"
Understanding flooded Severus features. Carefully, he loosened his grip, gingerly taking Lily's hands in his own.
"That's not a reason to lose your virginity, Lily," he said softly, "Think about it: do you honestly want your first time to be like this?"
Lily didn't answer him.
"Do you?" Severus pushed.
Worrying her lip between her teeth, Lily shook her head, her eyes watery.
"But what if he comes back," Lily whispered brokenly.
"Then he'll have to go through me," Severus stated, "I'm not going to let him hurt you again."
Severus pulled Lily into his arms, backing up to rest against the headboard. He let Lily cling to him as they stared out the window at the gloomy, cloudy sky.
A small immature part of Severus's was yelling at him that he'd missed a chance in a lifetime with Lily, but he ignored it. Instead, he found his resolve growing stronger. He would protect Lily.
Glancing at his trunk by the bed, Severus considered the books locked away inside, the notes he'd written over the years.
Maybe it was time to bring back a spell or two.
{page break}
James scowled down at the Daily Prophet.
"Blast the lot of those good for nothing Aurors," he grumbled.
"Something got your knickers in a twist, Prongs?" Sirius asked, lying on his stomach on the floor.
James and his friends commandeered the Potter sitting room for the day, each taking up space in a comfy chair or sprawled across the plush rug by the fire.
"The bloody rotters escaped, Padfoot," James explained, smacking a hand on the paper, "Now those lunatics are roaming the countryside doing Merlin knows what!"
"They could be dead, James," Remus reasoned, "There was a lot of pandemonium during the attack, and neither Avery nor Mulciber were ever good duelists. For all we know, they got hit with a spell or splinched when Bellatrix fled."
"Or my cousin used them as a punching bag the second they were miles away," Sirius suggested, "As 'punishment' for failing her precious master. Knowing her, she'd get carried away and kill them."
Peter nodded, "I don't think Mulciber made himself too many friends on the dark side after selling them out during the trial," he stroked the fur of the big, fat tabby lounging in his lap, "Maybe he was broken out to be tortured."
"The point is no one knows where they are and Lily's in danger," James fumed, "How incompetent can those Aurors get? They're supposed to catch dark wizards; not lose to them."
"Technically, they did catch some of them," Remus pointed out, looking up from his word search, "Including Wilks's father."
Sirius snickered, "Can't wait to see that sod when we return to school. He won't be so high and mighty then."
James threw his hands up in the air, "You aren't taking this seriously! Those bastards are out there somewhere and they could strike at any moment. What if one of them goes after Lily again?"
"I doubt the ministry will leave her unprotected, James," Remus said.
James huffed, "How can we count on them to protect her, when they couldn't even prevent this escape?"
Remus rolled his eyes, "You seem an awful lot worried about her, but I think Avery represents a threat to everyone, don't you think? Perhaps you should send off a letter to Jess to see how she's fairing with this news. I bet she's as scared as any girl out there."
James flushed, "W-well I…Lily was targeted by Avery. She's at a higher risk than everyone else. Just because I've moved on doesn't mean I don't worry about her, Moony. She has been through a lot."
"She has," Remus agreed, "And I'm sure she has plenty of people there for her right now."
"Like Snape," Sirius put in, "He probably can't wait to comfort her."
"That's another thing," James blurted out, pointing at Sirius, "Snape's pretty fishy in all this."
Remus quirked a brow, "How so?"
"First his father died under mysterious circumstances," James began, "And now Avery and Mulciber escape. Doesn't that all seem too coincidental?"
Sirius hummed in agreement, "You heard what the papers said, Moony. This could be some arrangement between him and his Slytherin friends. They kill his old man, he lets go of his grudge over Avery trying to kill him."
"I hardly think that's the case," Remus said, unimpressed.
"He had to have hated his dad, Moony," Sirius insisted, "I bet he'd give anything to have that guy kick the bucket."
"I'd probably feel the same," Peter admitted quietly, staring pensively into the fire, "If my parents treated me like that. It sounds pretty awful."
"Now don't go feeling sorry for Snivellous, Wormtail," Sirius said with a snort, "The crab apple couldn't have fallen far from the tree. If Snape's dad is a bastard, Snape is probably ten times worse."
"That's not exactly a fair assessment," Remus scolded disapprovingly, "It sounds like Snape had a very bad childhood. It's not something to be made fun of."
Sirius waved him off, "I'm not making fun of anything. I'm just saying maybe Snape did something to deserve it. Who hasn't want to take a swing at him?"
Remus spied Peter looking uncomfortably at Sirius; it seemed he didn't quite agree with making light of this either.
"Still," Peter began, "It must be hard to grow up like that…I don't think I'd ever want to go home if it were me." Peter looked away guiltily and Remus could only imagine what he was thinking; they made Snape's life miserable at school.
"Well now he doesn't have to go home," James stated, "And his Death Eater pals had something to do with it, I'm sure. Merlin only knows where he's staying now."
"Probably taken in by one of his Death Eater friends," Sirius mused, flipping through his motorcycle magazine, "Ooh! Now this one I like."
"The bike or the half-naked girl straddling it?" Remus inquiring observantly.
Sirius flushed.
"A man can like two things," he grumbled.
"Well anyway," James went on, "Wherever that slimy snake is, I just hope it's far away from Evans. She doesn't need him skulking around her."
"Maybe he's living with her," Sirius joked, "She did say her parents 'adore him'."
"Don't even joke about that!" James ordered, "I don't even want to picture him sleeping under the same roof as her."
"Once again, you have a girlfriend," Remus reminded him.
"I'm concerned as a friend, Moony," James snapped, "Snape's bad news and I don't want her—anybody—to get hurt by him. He has to be involved in all this somehow."
Remus sighed, "I really don't think—"
"They did say most of the Death Eater wore masks during the attack," Sirius pointed out, "So they could have been anyone."
"Exactly" James cried triumphantly, "Who's to say Snape wasn't one of those involved in the attack."
"Do you really think Snape would be walking free right now if they suspected him in the slightest?" Remus asked, "Dumbledore's vouched for him personally."
"Dumbledore's gone barmy," Sirius said dismissively, "Has been for years. I used to think he was alright, but the fact that he didn't get rid of the whole Slytherin house when he first became Headmaster shows his head's not on right."
"Wouldn't that just mean potential Slytherins would be sorted into the other houses based?" Peter asked skeptically, "The hat has to put them somewhere."
Sirius glared at Peter, "Yeah, Azkaban."
"At age eleven?" Remus questioned doubtfully, "Really, Sirius?"
Sirius shrugged, "Hey, all I'm saying is that Bellatrix was practicing unforgivables on neighbors' cats long before that. Evil has no age limit."
"Your cousin is an exceptional kind of crazy, Sirius," Remus said flatly, "I hardly think she represent all Slytherins' mental state."
Remus redirected his attention to James, "And you're pretty focus on your 'concern' for Lily, but what about Mary? She was attacked to and yet I don't hear you up in arms about her safety."
"Well…she's not spending the holidays with a scheming Snivellous," James stammered.
"But surely she's just as rattled as Lily is over the escape," Remus pointed out, "Shouldn't you be worried about her too? Maybe write inquiring how she is coping?"
Sirius snickered, "I'll write her."
Remus stared down at Sirius, his expression devoid of amusement, "I doubt she wants to be hit on right now, Sirius. Given the circumstances, frankly it would be distasteful."
"I was only joking," Sirius scowled.
"Sure you were," Remus said sarcastically, "Speaking of letters, Peter, I couldn't help but notice Marlene's address on an envelope by your front door when we picked you up. I didn't realize you two were friends."
"Well, we're not really," Peter denied awkwardly, "I mean, we never really spoke before the train ride home for Christmas. After she made me help with her luggage, I thought that was the end of it, but then she started owling me. She said if I didn't write back she'd come find me," Peter gulped, "And I bet she would."
Sirius let out a bark of a laugh, "Marlene's found she likes bossing Peter around! Can't say I don't see the appeal; you're really a pushover, Wormtail."
Peter flushed hotly.
Remus chucked a wadded up piece of paper at Sirius.
"Be nice," he scolded, before turning back to Peter, "It sounds like you've got a bit of a pen pal."
Peter nodded, "I've never written to a girl before…"
"Let alone spoken to one," Sirius whispered to James, only for another piece of paper to ricochet off his head.
Peter smiled gratefully at Remus, looking down at the cat sprawled out in his lap, purring loudly.
"It's weird how much she likes you," Sirius stated, staring at the cat.
Remus chuckled, "More like ironic."
James huffed, irritated with being ignored, "Well if no one else wants to care about the situation, then I will. I'm going to write to Lily—after I write to Mary, of course," he added hastily, shooting a quick look at Remus, "Just to check up on them."
"It better not be so you can bug Lily about Snape," Remus called out to his departing friend, "Dislike him all you want, but you promised to leave him alone this year. Sabotaging his friendships would fall under giving him trouble."
Sirius rolled his eyes, "What's with you lately, Moony. I know you said you wanted to be a better prefect, but for years you never cared what we did to Snivelly. Why start now?"
"He's been publicly humiliated, nearly lost a friend, and almost died in less than a year," Remus said matter of factly, "I find little joy in kicking someone while they're down. I've been the underdog enough times to know it isn't fun for anyone."
"You and Snivelly are nothing alike, Moony," Sirius said firmly, "You're one of the good ones, you know?"
"Well then I should act like one of the good guys, then shouldn't I?" Remus asked, closing his book, "Just something to think on. I'm going to get a snack."
He left Sirius mulling over his words in puzzlement.
Warning makes more sense now, doesn't it?
If anyone is confused by Lily's behavior, there are various ways people cope with being sexually assaulted. For some, an aversion to touch can develop. A distrust of of those who resemble your attacker can occur, be it race, gender, or mannerisms. Some become more emotional, others more distant. Some of us shutdown.
Some of us become a lot more sensitive to consent even in non-sexual scenarios. I became very hostile to people ignoring my bodily autonomy even in innocent scenarios. I hug and grope and get groped by my friends with no trouble at all because they know my boundaries and listen to me, but if someone ignored my boundaries or pushes after I've said stop, the gloves are off. If I said don't hug me and someone did it anyway, I got angry, really, REALLY angry. Someone held my hand without permission or touched my shoulder when I had already shrugged them off; I'd snap. Now I don't have an aversion to sex or sexual contact; I'm just asexual and don't crave it and pretty uninterested in it. Never been afraid of sexual encounters. But people need to LISTEN to me when I say what I do and don't like, even in innocent contact. Once at a party I was sitting on a friend's lap and he was running his fingers through my hair. Then he pulled it...do NOT pull my hair. he asked if it was okay and I told him it wasn't, made it very clear I did not like it and wanted him to stop. He said he understood. Then did it again. Hard. I nearly clawed his face off.
There are also those who become very sexually active. It may seem odd or hypocritical to some of you, but to the survivor, they feel they are taking control back over their body by being very open to sexual encounters. In their mind; they are reclaiming themselves. Some even feel they will be preventing rape by just consenting to sex with people even when they do not actually like or want that person. These are just some of many ways a survivor might cope. No one who has gone through any of these methods should be judged for it, just better understood and given more support.
Lily feels if she voluntarily loses her virginity, she is giving Avery (or anyone else) one less thing they could possible steal away from her. But having sex when you do not want it isn't healthy. It should be when you are emotionally ready for it. Lily isn't, she's just scared and confused. So Severus hit the brakes.
Hope this chapter wasn't upsetting to anyone. I thought the Marauders might help ease back on the tension after all that.
Review if you would be so kind :)