*looks at chapter title* Uh-oh, you know this isn't going to be good.
Thanks as usual to all my wonderful readers and reviewers. You guys rock!
Enjoy the first have the of the chapter for some fun and humor...shit gets real after that.
Also...meet Pudge the Smug...
*whispers* you'll see
If Someone Cared Enough
Chapter Fifty-Seven: Fragile like a Bomb
New Year's came and went and it was once again time to return to school. New Year's Eve had been relatively quiet, as Lily's father came down with a nasty cold that day and spent it with his family caring for him. Everyone in the Evans household mostly just curled up watching holiday special or reading, the peace broken only by the countdown to midnight.
Severus couldn't exactly kiss Lily Happy New Year in front of her parents, but it was probably for the best. Lily had not been feeling particularly amorous since news of Avery's escape spread and Severus frankly felt awkward with intimacy since that disastrous occurrence in his bedroom the morning the news had broken.
Not that he didn't still desire Lily. He did; what man wouldn't? However, he was more wary then ever of possibly pushing Lily past what she felt comfortable. He didn't want her to go further than she truly felt ready for, but could he trust her to actually say stop when she needed to? Severus wanted their relationship to progress because they both desired it to, not because Lily felt it was a better alternative to whatever anyone else may want to do to her.
It was with great relief that Severus ready his trunk for King's Cross. Hopefully, the distraction of friends would be a welcome relief to Lily and give Severus the space to think. He truly wanted to be with Lily, but with how things were for her emotionally, he almost felt like dating her would be taking advantage of her. She needed a friend, not a boyfriend. Nevertheless, that didn't change how much he wanted to be with her. It truly was a difficult and delicate situation.
A loud pecking at his window drew Severus's attention away from his schoolbooks and clothes. Sitting outside on the sill was a rather large pygmy owl; unusually large for it's breed, at least ten inches tall compared to the average six.
"What on earth did they breed you with?" Severus asked, mystified.
"Sev?" Lily voice floated down the hall before she appeared in the door way, "What's wrong?"
"Just pondering over our little friend here," Severus said with a gesture in the owl's direction.
"How cute!" Lily cooed when she spotted the feathery creature. She crossed the room in record time and popped the window open so that the owl could hop through, "Who's do you think he is?"
"Simone's" Severus answered, "She did mention during her Christmas visit that her parents gifted her an owl. I was told it was a Northern Pygmy Owl…but even though it looks like one…"
"It's massive," Lily breathed.
It wasn't an understatement. The owl was not only taller than it's breed should be, but also wider, seeming to have a thick abundance of feathers. It had enormous eyes—which of course Lily fawned over—and an expressively disapproving-looking glare. On top of all that, the cocky little thing kept puffing it's feathers up the way one would to ward off predators, as if challenging Severus as it hooted at him.
"He's adorable," Lily exclaimed, tickling it under it's beak, giggling when it lightly nipped at her fingers, "Does he have a name?"
"We'll find out I'm sure," Severus said as the owl stuck it's foot out at him to reveal a scroll. It hooted impatiently at him, "Yes, yes, I see it."
Carefully detaching the scroll—no easy feat because the blasted creature seemed to amuse itself by retracting it's foot whenever he reached for it—Severus unrolled the parchment and glanced through it's contents.
'Snape,
Meet my new owl. His name is Pudge. Pudge the Smug. I imagine with great relish how undignified you shall feel each and every time you have to say (or even think) his name.
Anyway, I thought I would write to inform you that while it had been my intent to ride with you all during all train rides in tribute to my final year at Hogwarts, I am afraid I will not be taking the train back this time.
It would seem Thea's parents wish to see us off from the departure point with their house elf this time. They must be worried that if they do not see us off under proper supervision, I'll spirit Thea away somewhere else to spare her from her end of the year nuptials.
Can't say I haven't been tempted, but Thea so greatly wishes to finish school with all her friends.
Anyway, I'm sure you are very much concern—though denying you are—over the paper's report on your family situation over the break and no doubt are not looking forward to any prying eyes and wagging tongues that may cross your path seeking to speculate and gossip. For that, I deeply and sincerely apologize that I will not be there to assist in warding off curious trespassers. Please give me a list of names when you arrive at school and I will be sure to put an itching hex on their trousers.
I hope to see you in well health and good form upon your arrival to school.
Your Friend (deny it all you want, you know I am!)
Simone.'
"I wonder how long she spends deliberating over her letters to make them sound so formal," Severus mused with a smirk. He turned to Lily, "Simone and Thea won't be taking the train as planned. They'll be transported by a House Elf like last year."
"That's too bad," Lily commented, "What did it say about the owl?"
"His name is…" Severus took a deep breath, groaning inwardly, "Pudge…the Smug."
Lily's face lit up, "Pudge? I love it!"
"It's completely ridiculous," Severus argued, "What sort of name is that?"
"Oh come on, Sev," Lily said, "It fits him perfectly."
Severus would not be swayed, "It's undignified," he turned to the bird, "You're name is George now."
Lily cocked an eyebrow, "George, Sev?"
Severus shrugged, "He looks like one. Better than 'Pudge' anyway."
'George' did not look impressed.
Lily rolled her eyes, "Pudge if fine for a name. Look at him. He's just so plump and fluffy!"
"Fat," Severus corrected, "The word you're looking for is fat."
Pudge screeched menacingly at Severus, fluffing up even further to Lily's great amusement.
"Intimidating," Severus drawled, "Truly it is."
Almost seeming to glare at Severus, Pudge marched rather than walked over to Severus's open trunk. Hopping into the trunk, Pudge began to shuffle around in it, pecking and mussing up clothes and picking up items in its beak to throw out.
"Hey!" Severus cried, scrambling to pick up flying quills and vials, "Knock it off." He grabbed at one of the thin notebooks Pudge got hold of, only for the naughty owl to pick up another as soon as he wrest free the first one.
"Get out of here," Severus growled, swatting the owl out of his belongings, "You ruddy bird."
Pudge leaped off the trunk, satisfied his work was done. In triumph, he proceeded to strut back and forth across Severus bed, hooting happily to himself.
"He's so funny," Lily laughed.
Severus huffed, gathering up his things, "Easy for you to say; he didn't just put a hole in several of your socks—only the left ones, might I add" he glared daggers at the devious creature.
"Maybe you should have been nicer," Lily chided with a grin, offering Pudge a treat from the cup on Severus's windowsill, "Animals responded better to kindness.
"They also respond to a kick in the rear," Severus muttered. Pudge hooted in disagreement, "Quiet, Fred!"
"I thought he was George," Lily questioned.
"Either works," Severus said dismissively, "They sound like the names of troublemakers."
He opened the window and shooed Pudge out, "Out with you now. Shoo."
"I doubt that's the last you'll see of him," Lily pointed out teasingly, "Simone probably will bring him to Hogwarts."
"Brilliant," Severus groaned, "I'll have to hide all my left socks, lest he put holes in them all."
Severus repacked his trunk and closed it with a thud, "Well, that's everything. I'd better help your dad load things into the car."
"I'll meet you there," Lily said, "I still need to iron my robes."
"You can use magic for that on the train," Severus reminded her as he carried his trunk out of the room.
"It looks better when done the old fashion way," Lily called back. Waiting until she was sure Severus was downstairs, Lily turned to Severus's bed and picked up his pillow.
"You're coming with me again," Lily declared, nuzzling the pillow and inhaling that soothing, familiar scent.
Pillow in her possession, Lily went to leave the room only for something to catch her eye peeking out from under the bed skirt.
"What's this?" bending down, Lily lifted the edge of the bed skirt to reveal a notebook.
"This is one of the books Pudge threw out," Lily said to herself, "Sev must have accidentally kicked it under here while trying to grab everything else."
Shrugging Lily tucked it under her arm, "His trunk's already been packed twice now. I'll just put it in mine and give it to him later. It's not like he needs it right this second; classes haven't started yet."
{page break}
Nesme turned her hand this way and that for her friends to admire, getting many oohs and ahhs from the girls.
"That's beautiful, Nesme," Mary exclaimed, taking the Hufflepuff's hand and bringing it closer to examine.
Nesme waggled her fingers, enjoying the attention.
"It is, isn't it? She gushed, showing off the reddish brown dye twirled up each finger in an intricate vine-like pattern. Even her nails were stained the dark shade. Flipping her hand over, Nesme displayed a large flower blossom painted onto her palm.
"So what's it mean again," Marlene asked.
Nesme shrugged, "It doesn't have any specific reason design-wise. But my dad says dyeing the tips of my fingers and palms is a celebration of womanhood. It signifies beauty and festivity according to him. Many unmarried women do it during the Bohag Bihu."
"Which is…?" Marlene prompted.
"Assamese new Year," Nesme clarified, "It falls around April, but my dad did this special for the regular New Year while telling me all about Bohag Bihu. He wanted to 'impart some culture' to me."
"He's been doing that more and more over these past few years," Davis commented.
"I'm not bothered," Nesme reassured her friend, "Dad doesn't have any kids of his own blood, so he wants me to be a part of all his family traditions. I wouldn't be surprised if he expects me to have a traditional Indian wedding ceremony someday."
"You're white as mayonnaise, but sure, I could picture you in a Saree," Severus said with a smirk.
Nesme stuck her tongue out at him, "Says the guy paler than milk."
"What's it like having a stepdad," Mary inquired, tactfully changing the subject.
Again, Nesme shrugged, "Not that much different from having a regular dad, I imagine. I've never known any father other than him; he married mom when I was four. I mean, we stick out like sore thumbs at his family reunions; everyone can see I'm not biologically his, but they treat me like I'm one of the family. So I'd say it's pretty much the same as a regular family."
"Except his culture is so neat!" Marlene groaned enviously, "The bright vivid colors, the dresses, the jewels. I'd feel like a princess! Britain is so boring by comparison. Dull as dishwater."
"Wizarding robes are pretty vibrant," Mary pointed out.
Marlene huffed, "And most of them are as unflattering as a circus tent. And even with the good ones, so what? I can't wear them around outside of magical places because muggle fashion over here is far more subdued; prim and proper. In India, wizards and muggles dress bright and fabulous."
"You're obnoxious enough without loud colors," Severus stated.
Marlene flung her shoe at him, which Severus proceeded to hold hostage for the duration of the train ride.
During a very loud argument between Nesme and Marlene about how the Hufflepuff was missing out on how wonderful beef tasted—the former wanted to uphold her stepfather's traditions—there was a bit of whispering coming from outside their compartment.
"Is he in there?" came one voice.
"I can't see without them spotting me," came the other.
"Do you think the rumors are true?" asked the first.
Everyone exchanged knowing, exasperated glances. Heaving a sigh, Marlene stood up and went to the door, sans a shoe.
Yanking open the door rather abruptly, no one was surprised when two second year girls nearly came tumbling through the doorway.
"Get going, you nosey little monsters," Marlene barked, sending the panicked second years scampering off down the hall.
"The nerve of some people," Marlene muttered as she sat back down.
"That's the fourth time today," Davis stated.
Severus frowned but said nothing; he'd been expecting the recent articles to garner him some unwanted attention.
"I can't believe they're being so rude," Mary huffed, disgusted, "After all you've been through and what you did for me and Lily, people are suddenly skeptical of you because of some trash printed by a glorified gossip monger like Skeeter?"
"People are fickle," Marlene said wisely, "Believing the worst in people tends to be more entertaining than believing the best. That witch who wrote those watered down versions of Beedle the Bard? Perfectly wholesome—if not uptight—sort of woman. No one cares a wit about her aside from hating her writing. But if it was printed in the Prophet tomorrow that an oversized cucumber had been her only romantic partner, people would be talking about her for centuries."
Nesme and Mary groaned in revulsion.
"I…didn't need to picture that," Severus said, screwing his eyes shut.
"Me neither," Davis agree, "No amount of therapy will make that image go away."
Marlene cackled "You've seen it, you can't unsee it!"
"Can't unsee what?" Lily asked, returning from the Prefect carriage.
"Don't make her repeat it," Severus begged, cutting off Marlene before she could reply.
Marlene turned to Lily with a smirk, "We were discussing vegetable marital aides."
Lily's face went red up to the tips of her ears, "Marlene!"
Marlene waved her off, "Oh don't look so scandalized. We're all old enough to know about sex."
"But we didn't ask for a glimpse at what lewd things go on in your head," Severus snapped, "That was just unpleasant."
Marlene rolled her eyes, standing up and stretching, "You prudes can all sit here and shine your chastity belts. I'm going to hunt down the trolley lady to tie me over for the remainder of the ride. Be back in a jiff."
"I'll go too," Mary offered, getting up, "I'm feeling a bit hungry as well. The sandwiches mum packed didn't fill me up nearly enough."
"Then let us be off," Marlene exclaimed dramatically, throwing an arm around Mary's shoulders. She dragged Mary—who was already regretting her decision—out the door.
Lily snorted, "Well she's in top form today."
"I swear she is the oddest person I've ever met," Severus said wryly.
"Marlene's certainly a free spirit," Nesme said.
Severus laughed, "I'll say…she's still only got one shoe." He held up the other one.
Lily and Nesme laughed while Davis let out a small chuckle.
"So Davis, I see you've already put your robes on," Lily pointed out when she stopped laughing.
Davis nodded, "We're crammed in here like sardines so I figured changing all at once would be a struggle. Decided to drag mine out of my trunk early."
"He just wants to look scholarly," Nesme told the others, "Typical Ravenclaw."
Davis crossed his arms, "Better that than a dunderhead."
"I should probably put mine on too," Lily interrupted before the two could start bickering, "I'll be making rounds on the train with Remus shortly, might as well look the part."
"Hopefully he'll lock those toerag friends of his in their compartment before he leaves," Severus mused.
Lily laughed, standing up to pull her bag down from the luggage rack to get her robes, "If he doesn't then I will. Oh, while I have the chance," she rummaged in her bag and pulled out the notebook she'd found in Severus's room, "Sev, this fell out of your trunk when Pudge was making a mess. You forgot it when we left."
Severus looked at the notebook in alarm, snatching it from Lily's hands without a second thought.
Realizing the strange looks he was now getting from everyone, he cleared his throat awkwardly, "Um…thanks."
"Sev…" Lily began suspicion heavy in her voice, "What's in that notebook."
"Nothing," Severus lied quickly, "Just…you know…Notes."
Lily regarded Severus with thinly veiled distrust, a storm brewing in her eyes.
"Then why didn't you want me to have it?" she asked.
The atmosphere in the compartment became very chilly, Severus and Lily locked in a stare off.
"Nesme," Davis began, ill at ease with the tension brewing, "Why don't we go see if there's anything on that trolley for us."
"But I already ate," Nesme protested, unable to read the room. Befuddled, she allowed Davis to lead her from the compartment, leaving Lily and Severus alone.
"What's in the notebook?" Lily asked again.
"It doesn't matter," Severus dismissed, standing up to be on even footing with Lily, "It's nothing bad."
Lips turned down, Lily reach forward and yanked the book from Severus's hands.
"Sectumsempra?" Lily asked, angrily, flipping through the pages, "I thought you said you were done with this spell."
"I was when I thought Avery was going to be locked away for good," Severus said, "But he's on the loose now and he knows my strongest spell. It's an uneven playing field now, Lily, and I can't be at a disadvantage."
"Then use a different spell," Lily demanded, "Invent one. Or research one that Auror's use; just so long as it isn't dark like this one."
Severus scowled, "I thought you had put your prejudice of Dark Magic behind you."
"I did," Lily defended, "But that doesn't mean I'm okay with a spell that can kill people. It nearly killed you!"
"Because it fell into the wrong hands!" Severus snapped, "That's why I'm working on it; so that I have a version Avery doesn't know, nor anyone else in his group."
Lily scoffed, "Yes because making it deadlier is a grand idea."
"What do you want me to say?" Severus growled.
"That you're done with that spell," Lily nearly shouted, "Use shield spells. Or deflecting enchantments. Dueling spells. For Merlin's sake, Severus that curse nearly took your head off!"
"And Avery still knows it and will use it again if given the chance," Severus shot back, "That's why I need to improve it to prevent that. I'm doing this for you, Lily."
"Well don't!" Lily cried, "I don't want blood on my hands," she scrubbed her hands over her face, "I said I didn't want you to do anything stupid because they threatened me. I said I didn't want you joining them."
Severus rolled his eyes, "Yes, because this automatically means I've gone over to the dark side—after everything I've done to convince you otherwise."
"Well what am I supposed to think?" Lily challenged.
"That I'm running out of options!" Severus barked, "Lily, there's a war out there and we can't win with handholding and cheering charms. People are out to hurt us and we can't afford to be lax."
"So what, we're just going to stop to their level to win?" Lily scoffed.
"How many times have we been over this?" Severus groaned, "Magic isn't black and white. Taking drastic measures to defend people doesn't make us dark."
"No but designing spell that kill might," Lily said harshly, "Sev, what would our friends think?"
"Do I look like I care what people think?" Severus sneered, "I've done everything short of taking on the Dark Lord myself and all it took was a few rumors from a gossip column to get people suspicious of me all over again. If it happened to escape your notice, I have gotten on just fine without giving two shits what others think of me. I don't need people pretending to like me to save face about being wrong."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Lily asked.
Severus raised his arms, "Oh come on, Lily! You think I don't know how many of my so called 'acquaintances' at school are only being nice to me now that I've done something they deem 'good?' Sure, Mary and the others that were here like me for real, but how many others are just trying to save face after having written me off? I mean, did you hear Hagrid? 'You're a good kid. I've always known.' Bullocks! Once you and I started drifting apart he saw me the same as everyone else did. He thought I was beyond saving; especially because Dumbledore did."
Lily shook her head, "That's not true."
"You and I both know it is," Severus said, "And I shouldn't have to nearly die for people to finally see something good in me. Nor should I have to sacrifice my safety—or yours—just to play it safe so that people won't think less of me."
"But to go about it like this?" Lily exclaimed. She turned to a different page, her eyes going wide.
"And what is this?!" She demanded to know, pointing at one entry.
"I told you, I need to keep us safe," Severus insisted.
Lily scrolled over the entry, "Subject 19…minimal resistance…incoherent thoughts—Sev, you've been experimenting on these people!"
"No, I've been researching," Severus said firmly, "I'm doing this for us. Who knows what Rosier has been asked to do by Lucius?"
"But Legilimency, Sev?!" Lily cried, brandishing the book as if it was something foul, "It's unethical, it's awful!"
"Any worse than the Ministry forcing Veritaserum down a person's throat whenever they suspect you of something?" Severus asked with a scowl, "So it's okay when the ministry invades your privacy, but not when I do it?"
"No one has the right to invade someone's head!" Lily shouted.
"And no one has a right to try and kill us!" Severus hollered back, "What do you expect me to do if they come for us, hm? Just blow bubbles at them? Talk it out?"
Lily shook her head, "I should just destroy this," she said.
"Don't you dare!" Severus barked, ripping the notebook away from Lily, "Do you have any idea how much work I put into this?"
"What matters more?" Lily pushed, "Me or your research?"
"I'm researching for you!" Severus yelled, "Why is that so hard to believe. I'm doing this because I want to protect you and yet you want to think the worst of me."
"Because I thought I knew you," Lily said, her eyes burning, "And yet you've been keeping secrets from me. I trusted you."
Severus sneered, "Do you? Because your dear friend Meldonna doesn't think you should."
Lily stiffened, "What do you mean?"
"I saw the letter," Severus informed her, "You're lovely friend sounded quite convinced I couldn't be trusted. Given that you never threw it away, I can only assume you were on the fence about whether you felt the same."
"I forgot about that letter," Lily said, "I was going to throw it out."
"So you've never had second doubts, maybe worried I wouldn't be able to tear myself away from dark magic?"
"No," Lily said, "I mean, I knew you always had an interest in it…so I wondered if it would be easy to give up, but…"
Severus scowled, "Thought so."
"Well what do you want me to say, Sev?" Lily demanded, "Here you are doing exactly what you're mad at me for worrying about."
"What I am doing has nothing to do with temptation or a lust for power," Severus stated, "I can't believe after all we've been through that you would think so little of me."
"There's not much else I can think," Lily defended, "Here you are making deadly spells and forcing your way into people's heads. And practicing on poor defenseless muggles."
"I never practiced Sectumsempra on them," Severus snarled, "I'm not a monster."
"Well how would I know?" Lily cried, "I want to trust you yet here you are actually like a no good…Death Eater!"
"In case you've forgotten, I'm a halfblood," Severus said icily.
"Didn't stop you from wanting to join up before," Lily said heatedly, "Wanted to make the world pay for how your father treated you. You were going to turn into a brute and be no better than him—"
As soon as the words left Lily's mouth, she knew she'd gone too far. Severus father was a sore subject for him and she'd never used it as a weapon against him. Until now.
Lily watched as Severus's expression darkened, something akin to hurt flashing in his eyes before it was replaced by a dull, blank look.
"I didn't…" Lily stammered, "I didn't mean…when I said—"
"I believe you've said enough," Severus said coldly. Taking out his wand, he summoned all his things together from the luggage rack.
"Good afternoon, Evans," Severus swept out of the compartment without another word, leaving Lily standing numbly.
He didn't return for the remainder of the train ride.
Teenagers, huh? Always impulsive and shit under pressure.
Lily of course didn't mean what she said, but ultimately it doesn't make her assessment any less true. Severus's canon induction into the Death Eaters DID make him no better than his father in many aspects. We have no idea just how bad he got in Voldy's service before switching to the Light side and we DO know he relentlessly bullied students. As much as I love Severus and relate to his childhood, him picking on kids as an adult and turning a blind eye to the Death Eaters more brutal actions for so long isn't much different than his father beating on his wife and child: both were the strong picking on the weak. Severus was willing as an adult to let others get hurt if it meant he finally had a sense of revenge for his own crappy childhood. Lily may not want to admit that what she said in the heat of the moment might have at one point had the potential to be true, but she hit the nail on the head. At one time, he WAS heading down a path no better than his father's.
In an earlier chapter, people were split down the middle on whether Hagrid's acceptance of Severus was in character or not. This chapter touches upon that to some degree with Severus's words. Hagrid did accept him when they first met, and later after Severus and Lily had mended their friendship, but inn between that he DID have some reservations about Severus the more he saw him drift from Lily and fight with Potter. Hagrid is someone who is kind but also swayed by society's perceptions of things and people, like how in canon he dislikes Goblins as a whole and thinks Slytherin is a bad house. And he probably had people like Dumbledore to thank for enforcing and encouraging some of his biases.
Severus is well aware people like Hagrid haven't truly "Always believed in him" and it upsets him that it took only the most severe and life threatening of circumstances for people to finally give him a chance. And now he may have to deal with pity now that people have found out just how difficult his life truly was.
On a lighter note, I had fun fleshing out Nesme's backstory a little more.
Leave a review, please and thank you ;)