The metal hull of the small battered freighter creaked and whined as he tested its limits, pushing it as quickly as he could to make the jump to lightspeed without wasting a single second. He felt the knuckles of his flesh hand ache as his damp palm gripped the yolk desperately, as if it were his only tie to life itself.

He felt his gut in knots, his mind festering with unfinished thoughts and half felt emotions. His heart and mind were in absolute disarray, as only one string of words left his lips.

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

He still heard Obi-wan's voice play over in his mind, unnaturally biting out the static laced words that had been bashed and battered by solar winds and cosmic rays through the long range transmission. He knew the man well enough to hear the glassy shock that hid behind his words, behind the Masterly facade. But then again, maybe he didn't know him at all.

Anakin had been well aware that the moment would eventually come, where he would have to face Obi-wan again. He just didn't picture it being quite like this. But what had ever been typical between them? Nothing. Nothing ever had.

That kiss Obi-wan stole tore through him again, anguish wrenching in its wake. He hated himself for giving into him, being so easily swept off his feet. Not seeing him ever again would have been better, he thought. Anakin hated feeling so empty, so pathetic. Because when Obi-wan was touching him, holding him, he felt whole. But that didn't change the fact that he left him. It only made it worse.

"You don't need his validation." Padme said sternly from the back of his mind as she had so many other times. "The person who broke you isn't going to put you back together."

The person who broke you.

He never was sure who that person was. Sometimes it felt like life had broken him. He didn't remember a time when he wasn't damaged. Sure there were simpler times, but simpler didn't mean better. By the time the Jedi had found him there were already treacherous fault lines running through his core, dooming him. Obi-wan always seemed like the one who constantly tried to put him together, when all he ever did was fall apart.

Anakin didn't pin his brokenness on Obi-wan. That was too big a sin to assign to one person alone. The truth was, Obi-wan was a crutch. Anakin depended on him too much for too long. It stunted him. Weakened him. In his absence he grew strong. He had to. There wasn't any other choice. But that didn't soften the blow of being abandoned so cruelly. That hurt as much as it ever did.

But his feelings didn't matter when he had a job to do. His orders were straightforward. Extract and retrieve. Things could be simple. He needed them to be.

Anakin's eyes stared at the nav display, counting down the seconds before he would drop back to realspace. Finally the ship jolted, its hyperdrive spinning down loudly. Immediately Anakin killed all non-essential systems, letting the ship drift.

Being warned of a separatist presence, Anakin was ready for the worst. He didn't have a warship or even a fighter, so stealth was key. When he was met with a debris field instead of a Confederate fleet, he wished he had brought a nimbler ship instead. He looked over the mess, searching for understanding. It didn't take him long to realize the station was nowhere to be found, that it was floating in bits and pieces all around him.

Anakin did his best to ignore the panic in his veins as his mind began to immediately run through a thousand ways Obi-wan might be dead already, over half of which involved him being blasted and torn apart, floating amongst the rubble. It took some effort to suppress his instinctual fear as he kept searching out the viewport for any signs of life or a lingering separatist presence.

After losing patience Anakin brought the ship back online. He decided the separatists had more than likely fled already. If Obi-wan was still alive, he would be in an escape pod hidden in the rubble. Switching on the scanner he started sweeping the area for signs of life, a nervous rush making him feel only slightly sick.

Although, he thought he kept his cool surprisingly well. Especially when the first several minutes of searching were unfruitful. As time drug on he found it significantly harder to stay calm. He knew that giving into panic wouldn't be helpful, that it was immeasurably counterproductive. But his nerves were shot, his core was shaking before he even left Sullust, his mind reeling the moment he heard the emergency transmission. He was tired and had hardly slept over the last week, haunted by the man who tortured him now with his absence all over again.

He scanned another sector, feeling the vastness of space swallow him up. He felt like he was drowning, like he couldn't breathe. Everything was becoming too much. He was helpless again, nothing to hold onto.

Anakin closed his eyes, hands gripping the cold durasteel console. Stripped down past his reservations and pride, he reached out.

Obi-wan, please tell me you're out there, Anakin pleaded, his eyes cinched closed with effort.

He waited in the silence, open, listening. Every second that past gripped his chest tighter and tighter, bleeding his broken heart. Eventually there would be nothing left but a shell.

Hot tears stung at his eyes, falling down the tips of his lashes. Master, please tell me you're alive, Anakin begged, drawing a shuddering gasp.

Then he felt a familiar gentle presence brush against his mind shyly.

I'm here.

Thank the force, Anakin whispered, the words falling from his lips and across their bond.

….

For hours Obi-wan sat uncomfortably in the bottom of the small escape pod, curled up, trying to rest. The face he saw back on that station haunted him. The one that stole his eyes, that mocked him. His stomach wrenched again, trying to make sense of it.

He wasn't so thick with denial that he would ignore the striking similarities of what they encountered at Koda station with the Sith monsters he saw on Kraysiss. In his gut he knew they were the same. Different, but not different enough to be coincidence. The confederate presence suggested they were toying with bio-weapons, that they engineered the atrocity at Koda station.

It made sense to test the virus there. It was isolated enough, not enough traffic to warrant risk of being found out. It was far enough away from any major planetary system to not pose a threat to any other worlds. Not to mention it was small enough to destroy quite easily. Distantly Obi-wan wondered if Zaann had sold the virus to the separatists, thinking it very likely. He wondered how many credits it brought him, with an ugly sneer on his lip.

But that face- his face. It was fitting, seeing himself for the monster that he really was. He felt it sit heavy inside his chest, taunting, reminding himself of the things he had done, the growing list of failures accredited to his name. He wondered if that was the face Anakin saw when he hurt him, the thought of it piercing him through.

Obi-wan pushed everything away, the pain becoming too much, too loud to safely feel with his new Padawan so close. She was adept and attentive, and very perceptive. He knew there was so much she understood, that she purposefully kept silent about. He didn't want to add to that list.

Finally he was able to stow most of the heartache back where he kept it, locked out of mind. He reached the mindless haze one enters before sleep, drinking it in blissfully. The nothingness, the sheer emptiness. He almost drifted off entirely when his mind was pulled back to the present, whispered words echoing inside his skull, sending a jolt through his frantic heart.

At first he thought he had conjured it up, some memory or vision taunting him as he drifted off to sleep. He was very, very tired after all, and it wasn't unusual for his mind to play such cruel tricks on him. But then he heard it again, and this time he was very much aware. He could hear the desperation in the all too familiar voice, sense the heartache and pain, the fear that twisted inside of him.

Anakin

And he called him Master. That was something he knew he didn't deserve. It brought the guilt and shame fresh to his mind, aching anew in his hollow chest. Obi-wan didn't know what to say. He still wasn't entirely sure it was real. Hesitantly, he answered.

I'm here.

He felt a rush of relief wash through their bond, a soft whisper that was as delicate as a blade of grass rushing in the wind.

Thank the force.

Obi-wan felt the words swell in his chest while his stomach wrenched anxiously, his palms damp and buzzing. Help had arrived, and it was not at all what he was expecting.

"Are you okay?" Ahsoka asked, looking at him with a puzzled expression.

Obi-wan nodded, feeling slightly lightheaded. "I'm fine."

"What's wrong?" She asked again, knowing too well that he wasn't totally fine. Platitudes never got far with this one, he was learning.

"Nothing's wrong." He answered truthfully. "Help has arrived." He added, putting his emotions back in their neat little box. He could deal with them later, though he rarely actually did.

Ahsoka looked back at him oddly. "Oh."

….

His hands were trembling as he fumbled at the control panel, trying switches and searching new vectors for signs of life. Knowing Obi-wan was alive and alright made looking slightly more bearable, though not by much. Anakin knew he must have scanned over every bit of the wreckage, but still was coming up null for life signs. His head was aching, partial fatigue setting in on top of the mounting irritability as he felt the universe was working against him.

Keying the instrument to search again, Anakin glared out the viewport, scanning the wreckage over visually. Seeing a small blinking red light in the distance he slowly edged the old rickety freighter towards it, keeping his eyes trained so as not to lose it. Coming close enough he could see the outline of the small escape pod. He sensed life inside of it, knowing it had to be Obi-wan. Still the scanner came up with naught. Cursing, he slammed his fist on the console.

"Damn faulty sensors." Anakin grumbled, his stomach still twisting and wrenching as he locked onto the pod and slowly began reeling it in.

Inside himself he still felt the rushing relief that Obi-wan was actually alive. Simultaneously he felt enraged at the man. The only way I'm letting you die is if I kill you myself, Anakin thought bitterly. Of course he knew he could never do such a thing, but he still wanted him to pay. As if there was anything he could do or say to erase any of the wrong that had been done. At the same time, writhing inside of him, was his absolute adoration and want. Anakin forced that back, as deep as he could.

You don't need him, he told himself, not believing it for a second. He didn't want to need him, but after all this time he would be a fool to say that he didn't.

As the pod was fully enveloped and the cargo doors closed, he heard the hiss and whine while the hold was repressurized. Anakin felt his chest seize and his breathing go shallow, a tremor in the small breath he managed to pull. Anxiously he paced the helm twice before he forced himself, one step at a time, to the back of the ship.

His heartbeat sounded in his ears, nearly in tempo with his feet that hit the metal floor, clanging and thudding in chorus. Then the doors to the hold gave way, revealing the blast scorched escape pod with it's circular door unhinged, a familiar face climbing out. Not at all the one he expected.

The stirring in his belly turned to stone as his shoulders stiffened, anxiousness turning to confusion and frustration as the small Torgrutan girl- Ahsoka, he remembered- climbed from the pod. Next came an even smaller Twi'lek youngling that he knew he hadn't met before. The girl's face was gaunt with tear swollen eyes, her nose running. Only then did Anakin become self conscious of his own appearance, his own puffy reddened eyes, fatigue only making it so much worse.

"Oh, it's you!" Ahsoka said with a bright smile. Anakin stayed in the shadow of the doorway, hiding the evidence of his tears.

Ahsoka turned to the small girl, putting a hand on her bony shoulder. "Merrith, meet Anakin Skywalker, one of my Master's friends," she said with a sweep of her arm. Merrith gave a shy wave in his direction before she huddled against Ahsoka for comfort.

Those words and their implication caught Anakin off guard. They settled like salt on old festering wounds that had yet to heal, stinging and irritating. Just as the full meaning began to sink in Obi-wan climbed out from the pod, dusting and fixing his tunic in a painfully casual manner.

Anakin crossed his arms, brooding from the shadow of the doorway, hating himself for shedding a single tear for the man who had replaced him without thought. He shouldn't have been so resentful, he knew, but it was impossible. After being abandoned without a word after everything they had been through, he didn't know how else to feel. He was disposable and even worse- replaceable.

Obi-wan looked at Anakin, subdued apology in his eyes. He didn't move to walk towards him, he must have sensed the rage in his aura like spikes, repelling. But worse than apology was the shame Anakin saw next, creeping over the man's face. He was ashamed of him, all the things he reminded him of. That's all he was, just a bad reminder of all the things he wanted to forget.

"I didn't realize this was a field trip. I guess that makes me the bus driver." Anakin remarked sarcastically.

"Thank you for coming to get us." Obi-wan said formally, grinding on his nerves even more.

"Orders are orders." Anakin replied sharply. "If you want to get your Padawan and her friend cleaned up I'm sure you can find your way to the fresher. We've got a little bit of a trip ahead of us so feel free to use the bunks." Anakin said in a polite tone that was cut with scorn.

Obi-wan's eyes became heavy with sadness, it made Anakin's stomach turn sour. Without another word he stormed up to the helm and slammed the hatch behind him.

….

Obi-wan bided his time and waited, but he didn't know what he was waiting for. Nothing was going to change with the passage of time other than the minutes on the clock. And even that cycled through, over and over again.

Such were the nature of his thoughts, turning through guilt and despair, from desperation and hopelessness. Inside himself through it all was the root of all his problems, the thing that cursed him before, that cursed him now.

Attachment

The thing that clawed at his heart and made all good sense null and void. The thing that pushed and pulled him. And the one who sat at the heart of it all.

Anakin

The girls had washed up and went to the bunks hours ago while Obi-wan paced the hold, up and down, waiting for some epiphany, some donning of knowledge, some miracle for his foolishness to be undone. For the past to be rewritten. For things that were impossible.

He could feel the writhing of Anakin's aura from the opposite end of the ship, undulating with rage and grief, with sadness and blame. Obi-wan wanted to take it all from him, but he knew he only made it worse at every turn. Every day of the last two years he had thought of him. Sometimes for fleeting moments. Sometimes for hours. Everything he had ever endured was for Anakin. His Anakin. Now he wondered if any of it mattered.

Obi-wan saw the wicked stare of his dark twin glaring at him when he closed his eyes, rubbing his forehead that ached with fatigue. The image of himself, how he really existed. That was what he really was. He couldn't be trusted. It was why he left, why he still needed to be careful. Because he felt the part of himself that still wanted Anakin, that didn't care if he was bad for him. It was selfish, but he didn't know if he had the strength to resist it. He knew he didn't have what it took to let go entirely, and it was ruining him.

But maybe things could be better between them, Obi-wan hoped. If they could put the past behind them, there could be some sort of normalcy. Things would never be what they were, Obi-wan understood that. But even less for his own sake, he didn't want Anakin to be tortured every time he saw him.

Of course anything of the sort would have to start by talking, and that was always difficult. And that started by putting one foot in front of the other towards the helm. Obi-wan felt his chest ache and his stomach churn anxiously but he forced himself onwards. One step at a time. There had to be hope. There had to be something better.

His heart quickened as he neared the helm, his breath shaky though he tried to steady it. He felt lightheaded, like he might pass out by the time he opened the hatch and walked inside.

He found Anakin there leaning up against the bulkhead, arms crossed over his chest. He turned and glanced at him before looking away again, an uninterested look on his face. Seemingly apathetic to Obi-wan's presence Anakin stood there unmoving, looking out at the starlines that cast his face in a soft white glow.

Obi-wan's heart lurched in his chest. Anakin was so beautiful. He always had been but now, adorned with battle scars and grown out curls, the breadth of his shoulders significant and muscled, he took on a new arduous beauty. It was thoroughly intoxicating.

"What do you want?" Anakin asked flatly, his eyes still fixed firmly on something else that was clearly more interesting.

The question ran circles around his heart, tying his tongue in knots. What did he want? Everything he couldn't have. He wanted to have Anakin all to himself. He wanted things to go back to normal. He wanted to travel back in time and stop any of this from ever happening.

"...I don't know," Obi-wan answered, the only true honest answer. Clearly it settled on Anakin's nerves poorly. He saw the man's jaw tense as his eyes hardened, his mouth turning down into a scowl. "I guess I just wanted to talk."

Suddenly Anakin's eyes were on him. His face was still ruefully placid, his eyes piercing straight through him. He could feel the anger, contempt, the subtle shock that Obi-wan even dared to speak at all.

"What about?" Anakin asked cooly, a storm of anger mixing with something dark inside of him, all beneath a perfectly still exterior- his expressionless face, the sharp watching eyes. Obi-wan found it eerie how still he could be with his aura so loud and raging, the drifts of wrath twisting with something else, wanting and ravenous. It made Obi-wan's heart flutter again, making words seem impossible.

"I just want it to be better… For things to be better. Between us, I mean." Obi-wan stammered, feeling a slight blush creep over his cheeks. He was embarrassing himself, as if that were possible anymore. Apparently it was. Anakin's eyes narrowed a fraction, a glint of amusement passing through them before they blackened with scorn.

"Just go back to acting like I don't exist. I think that worked just fine." Anakin said smoothly, taunting.

"I could never act like you don't exist." Obi-wan answered. Everything he had done ever since he met Anakin, was for him, in one way or another. Life without him didn't seem possible.

"You've already replaced me easily enough." Anakin said, his words increasingly harsh and icy without compromising the casual disinterest on his features.

Obi-wan's jaw hung slack, feeling like he had just been punched in the gut. He supposed he deserved it. He felt foolish for expecting anything else. Of course Anakin would be furious with him. He knew it would be like this when he left. He told himself the sacrifice would be worth it.

But his heart ached all the same, not just for the accusation, but for the loss he felt hollow him out. Anakin stood in front of him now, distant, disconnected. The pause without answer left Anakin's face breaking his careful neutrality, the corners of his mouth pulling down into an angry frown, his eyes glittering with rage.

"I could never replace you. I would never want to." Obi-wan said earnestly. "Ahsoka would have been sent to the Agri Corps if I didn't take her on," he explained, hoping Anakin could understand.

"Taking another Padawan out of pity. Does Ahsoka know you don't want her either?" Anakin asked bitterly.

"Anakin, you know it's not like that." Obi-wan insisted.

"Do I?" Anakin shot back, his aura flaring with the hot sting of betrayal.

"I always wanted you, Anakin." Obi-wan said softly, ardently, seeing the rage behind his eyes break, revealing the raw bleeding wounds beneath, the pain and heartache that made him vulnerable. Words danced on the edge of his lips, words he knew he couldn't say.

I still want you. You're mine and you always have been.

"Everything i've ever done, was for you." Obi-wan added softly, seeing quickly how those words were a mistake.

Anakin's aura flashed as he broke. A wrathful storm cracked in the air around him as he lunged forwards putting hands on Obi-wan's chest, shoving him into the metal bulkhead behind him.

"Don't you dare tell me it's my fault!" Anakin shouted, beads of tears on the edges of his eyes. Obi-wan looked on, seeing the man he loved unravel. Seeing the tortured heart and fractured soul, so much worse for wear since he had left. Anakin had indeed grown strong, but his heart hadn't fared well in the wake of his absence.

He could feel the man holding back a torrent of unasked questions, things he didn't dare voice for the vulnerability they brought with them. Obi-wan could feel the heartache, all the ways Anakin blamed himself for Obi-wan leaving. All the nights he lie awake, sleepless, wondering what he could have done differently to make him stay. Obi-wan could tell him a thousand times it wasn't his fault, but he knew Anakin wouldn't believe it.

"It's my fault." Obi-wan choked out. "There were visions… I saw what would happen if I stayed," he nearly whispered, ashamed.

Anakin's eyes stared wide into his, waiting. Obi-wan could see the boy still hidden in there, searching for love, for acceptance. Wanting to feel safe, not knowing what that meant.

Obi-wan felt his body tremble under the weight of what he knew he had to say. He leaned against the cool durasteel behind him for support, unable to meet Anakin's desperate gaze.

"I saw you-" Obi-wan started, feeling his throat fight against the words.

"I saw you being hurt again." He said quietly, his soul rejecting it. He still didn't understand how he was capable of doing such a thing, again, after everything. But he couldn't deny the visions, the reality of what he saw- what he felt.

Obi-wan's words hung there in the silence, his confession on the verge of spilling out of him. Anakin needed to understand what he was, the threat he posed. Obi-wan needed him to understand.

"I was going to hurt you again," he said under his breath, shaking his head, not wanting it to be true. He didn't dare meet Anakin's gaze. He couldn't stand to see the hurt, the pain, the betrayal that would stare back at him.

Obi-wan felt the change in Anakin's aura before soft warm lips pressed against his own, startling him. The shock of it stole him from his thoughts, from his self hatred and despair. It stirred a melancholy in his chest, grief and heartache at the realization that he never expected to feel this again- Anakin on his lips, wantingly chasing him, holding him. He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve Anakin. He never did.

But it didn't matter. Anakin's mouth still moved on his, and Obi-wan's jaw worked in kind letting him in hesitantly. There was a chord of fear inside of him, something on the edge of losing control as Anakin's tongue explored him, markedly willful and confident. It was different from the neediness and desperation he had tasted there once before, and so much more inebriating. Obi-wan felt the pull of his breath become unsteady in his chest as he gave into him, allowing himself to be pulled deeper, closer, fatally crashing into him, unable to escape.

He was aware how bad they were for each other. He could feel it in the possessiveness he felt in Anakin's hands as they gripped him, in the way it echoed his own ravenous want to claim and consume. He could taste it in the demanding kiss Anakin pressed onto his lips, his tongue colliding violently against his own.

Anakin fell deeper still, pressing against Obi-wan hard, almost painfully, against the steel behind him. He could feel the beating of his heart against his chest, how it raced in step with his own while Obi-wan tangled his hands in Anakin's curls, guiding his mouth on his own forcefully.

A strike of excitement ran through him as he felt Anakin melt under his grip, yielding and savoring the sensation. Their bodies were pinned against each other with magnetic force, one crushing into the other, no desire to pull away. And the last trace of inhibition ceased to exist as Obi-wan let his hands wander over Anakin's form, feeling all his edges under his roving palms.

Suddenly their feet moved and their bodies shifted in one swift motion, leaving Anakin's back now up against the wall as Obi-wan pressed in on him. Roughly, greedily, he mapped the lean shape of his neck and shoulders, working slowly down to his hips, fingers digging into the finely woven cloth of his robes. Passively he was annoyed by the fabric that kept their skin from full contact, and he felt the urge to tear Anakin's clothes off of him without a word of explanation.

He wanted to forget the feeling of where he ended and Anakin began. Already he felt the man's warm presence inside his skull, a part of him, it seemed. He could feel the echo of jealous need resonate deep inside both of them, and the excitement Anakin felt for sensing Obi-wan's thinly restrained desire to strip him bare and have him right there.

And everything seemed so blissfully simple. All thought and cognition ceased to exist beyond that moment where their bodies pressed close on one another, wanting so badly to feel closer. Everything else seemed like a bad dream, like the past two years weren't real, like the heartache, pain and betrayal never happened.

But as he felt Anakin's chest, his racing heart beneath his palms, he felt the emptiness inside where betrayal had bore him through. He could feel the aching hollow inside him, desperate to be whole again. He could feel Anakin's hands holding onto him, fervently trying to fill that chasm inside. Wanting to feel anything other than the unbearable pain from when he left. The aching scars and still-festering wounds that Obi-wan bestowed himself, were very real.

And Anakin was open, wanting, his strength eroding away to the desperate need beneath. He didn't understand what Obi-wan was. Even with the best intentions he hurt him so terribly. And it didn't matter. Anakin still chased after his tongue insatiably, his hands clawing at Obi-wan's clothes, practically begging.

Anakin pushed suggestions across to him, giving clear consent for Obi-wan to enact his will on him, along with other things that stirred something like fear in his chest, pulling him further from the oneness he sought only seconds ago. Those things soured his stomach with guilt as Anakin's most desperate wants accused him.

Anakin felt the hesitation, the slight pull away, his heart wrenching as he begged wordlessly. His hands grabbed onto the cloth of Obi-wan's robes, not wanting to let go. Obi-wan felt the fear of loss, the free falling sensation of having the floor pulled out from under your feet slam through their bond.

Pulling away from their kiss Obi-wan felt the vacant sensation of his slightly swollen lips open to the cool air. He saw Anakin, eyes glossed already, biting his lip with worry. A world of guilt crashed over his head, making him feel slightly dizzy. Or maybe it was the hyperventilation as his chest heaved, fear carving its icy claws into his back.

Anakin's reddened lip quivered, pulling the courage to speak. "You said you were going to hurt me again." He stated, his brows furrowed intensely. "But you never did. Not how you think."

Anakin's voice was desperate, his breath shallow. Obi-wan's eyes stung with hot tears, wanting to pull away, while Anakin kept him anchored in his strong arms.

"It wasn't you." Anakin said firmly, holding Obi-wan tighter. "You feel… different."

Obi-wan always knew Anakin never blamed him, even though he should have. It only made him feel so much worse. "I should have stopped-" Obi-wan blurted, feeling his skin cringe with shame, wrenching himself out of Anakin's hold, suddenly unable to meet his gaze.

"Yeah." Anakin said softly, a shade of pain in his voice that was terribly difficult to hear. Obi-wan glanced up to look at him, seeing a resolve in the boy's jewel blue eyes.

"And you should have stayed." Anakin took a shaky breath, mustering courage to give the one confession that left him most vulnerable. "The only time you ever hurt me was when you left."

"I had to leave, to protect you." Obi-wan said softly. He saw Anakin's face turn sour as the hands that held him close suddenly pushed him away. A dark storm began to brew again in the man's aura, bitter and angry as his open and wanting heart closed again.

And then Obi-wan was brought back to reality, understanding that things could never be simple between them. He was a fool for ever thinking they could be.

"I don't need your protection, Obi-wan." Anakin ground out, brushing and fixing his robes. Obi-wan's heart ached. But really, he knew it was better this way. Even if it felt like it was killing him.

"No, I don't suppose you do." Obi-wan answered, taking a step back, fumbling to fix his own appearance. "I-I'm sorry... I shouldn't have bothered you."

Really, he knew he had no business to. It was childish to think things could be better between them. It would be best to steer clear of Anakin. He had already done enough damage. Without another word he turned and left, feeling Anakin's aura flood with betrayal and rage again. Obi-wan cursed himself, wondering if he was capable of doing anything right.