Hiya, friends!
I'm back and ready to rumble. The wedding was awesome; I met some new friends and got drunk while eating pizza and wings. A delightful time!
So back to making chapters and intriguing my readers. Who's excited?
If Someone Cared Enough
Chapter Seventy-Six: Nervous Morning
Lily stared glumly up at the canopy of her bed with a morose sigh. It was far too early for her to be up, a fact made all the clearer by the soft snores of her dorm mates a few feet away. Still, Lily found herself having woken up before the sun and now sleep eluded her despite her desire to return to the land of slumber.
Today Severus would be meeting with the Barrister of the Prince family. It was everyone's hope that it would bring good news for Severus; a glimmer of hope that he may be able to find help for his mother's diminishing health. The letter requesting Severus appearance had been vague and cryptic, leaving no one quite sure if this day would yield good results or merely disappointment. They could all certainly do with some good news after the week they had had.
Thanks to Marlene's unintentional bungling, Mary and Lily had been sort of on the outs, so to speak. Now overtly suspicious of Lily's feelings for Severus, Mary took less issue with the idea of competition and more so with the fact that Lily had concealed her feelings. In Mary's words, Lily should have told her if there was any sort of relationship between her and Severus, regardless of if it ended.
Apparently, the only reason Mary felt confident in pursuing Severus was that she was under the impression Severus's feelings for Lily were entirely unrequited. Knowing that Severus's crush on Lily was—at one time—reciprocated rattle Mary's resolve, as she'd only thought she had Severus's lingering crush to compete with to win his affections.
Of course, Lily didn't feel it appropriate to point out that she still reciprocated Severus's feelings—not while Mary had every right in the world to be angry at the duplicity. After all, Mary did come to Lily shortly after kissing Sev that first night back from school. Too flummoxed to truly sort through her thoughts, Lily had only nodded dumbly when Mary revealed her intentions to date Severus, doing nothing to indicate Severus was anything more than a friend. In her own dumbfounded shock, she'd unwittingly led Mary to believe she had nothing to worry about; that Severus would be hers in no time and no one would deign to snatch him away.
When confronted by Mary after Marlene let the kneazle out of the bag, Lily was unsure what would be the right response. She wanted to admit she had strong feelings for Severus, but Mary put her on the spot. Moreover, it was obvious the answer Mary was hoping to get was that Lily was over Severus, which couldn't be further from the truth. The distance between them made Lily miss Severus more rather than wane. But she couldn't exactly tell Mary tell without ruining their friendship.
Mary was at least fairly casting blame, as Severus was just as much in the hot seat as Lily, if not more so. Mary was very forthcoming and straightforward with Severus over her feelings for him, so she expected him to at least be as honest with her. When she first brought up his feelings for Lily, the least Severus could have done was reveal that it hadn't been one sided like Mary assumed. He'd deliberately left Mary under the impression that he was just getting over a little crush when in fact things between him and Lily had gone much deeper by that point.
Not that Lily blamed him for clamming up, though. Mary might, but Lily didn't. She could understand Severus wish for privacy in regards to his own personal thoughts and feelings, regardless of how open Mary was willing to be with hers. He also probably worried mentioning his and Lily's blossoming relationship would have caused trouble between her and Mary. Lily honestly was sort of impressed Severus managed to keep so closed lip about it despite how angry he had been at her at the time; he could have easily spilled the beans just to cause a rift between her and Mary.
Mary was being a tad more forgiving with Severus, even though she was made at him. This was probably in part due to her desire to date him, so she didn't want to freeze him out completely.
Lily on the other hand, was getting a frosty cold shoulder from her once best friend. Charming Myrtle's bathroom had been a difficult affair for all involved due to how obviously Mary was freezing Lily out. It was with great difficulty that they managed to untie forces to cast the spells at all, the awkward tension hanging over them making concentration a little more of a struggle to maintain. Afterwards, Lily walked in uncomfortable silence with Mary back to their dorm.
The most discussion the two managed to have consisted of Mary wrangling a promise from Lily, not that she wouldn't pursue Severus, but if she did decide her feelings for the boy were more than friendship, she'd do Mary the kindness of telling her, rather than going behind her back. Lily was all too willing to agree to that if it meant clearing some of the air with her longtime friend.
Of course…she would have to broach the topic with Mary eventually. As much as she cared about Mary's happiness, it was painful to ignore her own longing for Severus. The more she examined her feelings for him and the longer they were a part, the more Lily strongly suspected her feelings went beyond a crush or puppy love. It wasn't some great, big epiphany, so much as the realization that deep down, she just sort of always pictured Severus in her life. A once childhood fantasy of walking down the aisle to him had long ago switch from fantasy to honest hope, even if Lily hadn't realized it. Now the thought of him going off with someone else…hurt.
She didn't want to hurt Mary, so she knew she owed it to the girl to tell her the truth; the whole truth. She didn't really know the depths of Mary's feelings for Severus, but she knew her own heart very well. If she really couldn't stand to be a part from Severus, she needed to be fair to Mary and tell her friend that she intended to pursue Sev.
But when was the right time? The truth was sure to upset Mary and with all the stress Severus was facing with the impending meeting with the Prince's barrister, causing a rift between the three of them would be a terrible decision. He didn't need teenager drama on top of far more important issues. Severus was spread much too thin already with the diary and diadem and now finding proper care for his mother. Adding a love triangle to the list would be too much on his already burdened shoulders.
Lily supposed she could wait a little while longer to mend things romantically with Severus. It would require some damage control with Mary and probably a bit of awkwardness for a while, but it would be worth it if Lily and Severus could be together again.
Lily cringed inwardly; was she being selfish? She knew Severus still loved her—at least she was pretty sure he did. Severus's most tragic trait was his inability to hate her no matter how badly Lily screwed up or treated him. During the incident at the lake, Lily not only ridiculed Severus for his misguided anger, but also threw his apology away like it were trash, effectively stomping on all that remained of their friendship.
Severus had been in the wrong too—he acknowledged that more times than Lily could count—but that didn't change the callous way Lily tossed him aside, all to make life more convenient and easy for herself among her Slytherin-hating peers. Finding humor in his humiliation was also a pretty nasty thing to do, one Lily would forever question her sanity and heart for having ever smiled at.
After disregarding Severus's feelings and circumstance so harshly, he had every reason to hate Lily. Yet he cared for her, loved her still, enough so that he threw his life on the line for her with Avery. Lily wanted to believe that he was still capable of loving her now, even after her cold words over his darker hobbies.
She'd need to apologize to Severus first, though. Severus deserved a proper one. Lily couldn't say she truly agree with what he was doing, nor did she think she'd ever be okay with it. However…would it really be so wrong to turn a blind eye to his dabbling in dark magic if it meant they could be together? It wasn't like he was doing his research to vindictively hurt others. He'd said it himself, it was a defensive measure. Lily was steadfast in her resolve to fight this war without wielding the spells and magic that separated her from You-Know-Who's ilk, but surely Severus having a backup plan couldn't hurt if playing fair failed.
Lily didn't want to kill. She didn't wanted to hurt, or maim, or seriously injure. Not if she could help it. It wasn't in her nature to harm others. Even the few times she'd managed to wound someone with mere words—while seeming satisfying in the heat of the moment—left a hollow, sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach. She didn't want to relish the pain of others, didn't want to hurt someone and think "they deserved it". As much as she both feared and despised Avery, Lily doubted she'd be able to do more than block his own attacks if he ever came after her. She wouldn't be able to strike him down; watch the blood drain from his corpse. He'd certainly earned a death so terrible in her book, but Lily doubted she was strong enough to carry such an execution out.
She didn't want Severus to kill either, unwilling to entertain the thought of him damaging his soul for her. That spell he was working on was terrifying enough with just the fact that it nearly took his life. But to have Severus put his own humanity on the line to use it on someone just so he could protect her…
She'd stand by Severus if he wished to pursue this path, but she'd be damned if she wasn't going to help and protect him enough that he never felt the need to use it.
As for his Occlumency…well Lily would just have to ask Severus to only use it when he felt he had to. She'd just have to accept that maybe Rosier and his friends were up to foul enough things to forfeit their right to privacy. Anyone who sided with Avery and Mulciber after what they had done was surely brewing terrible ideas of their own. So long as Severus didn't go around prying into random people's heads as he please, Lily could tolerate such a questionable skill…she'd try at least.
Lily sighed, watching the first creeping rays of sunlight flicker into the room, catching on the sun catcher in the window and sending a twinkling firefly-like glow across the floor and ceiling. A beam of sunlight trailed across the floor to land on Meldonna's sleeping facing, prompting the girl to grimace and roll over with a loud and rather undignified snort.
Lily turned to Mary's bed, the sheets untouched from the night prior. Ever since that day at breakfast, Mary had been sleeping in Marlene's dorm, something the older girl didn't protest out of guilt of her big mouth starting the trouble. This meant Lily had even less opportunities to hash things out with Mary and patch things up. Mary was normally gone from the dorms the moment she woke and sat between Jess and Meldonna at every meal, ensuring Lily wouldn't broach the topic with her around prying eyes and gossiping mouths.
It didn't help that the headmaster had turned down Mary's request to accompany Severus to the barrister's office. Even worse, Lily was given an okay to join Severus instead. The reasoning given was apparently that Lily served as a pseudo sister in the eyes of the law thanks to her parent's guardianship of Severus. Lily doubted anyone would have those sentiments if they knew how close the pair had become over winter break, but she wasn't about to bring that up and nix her chance to go with Severus in support.
With the headmaster's decision came the unpleasant reveal to Mary that Severus was living with Lily and only one bedroom away from him all holidays. Lily was regretting not telling Mary about the living arrangements from the start; at least then, Mary would have had time to come to peace with it before finding out how close Lily and Severus were. She also dreaded the idea of Mary ever finding out Lily used to sneak into Severus's bed every night back home.
Mary was understandably upset that the object of her affections and his childhood crush would be gallivanting alone together off school grounds, though it wasn't as if the pair were going to dinner or anything. Sitting around a stuffy legal office with indiscernible law speak being spewed at you didn't exactly make for a romantic outing.
Still, Mary was quite cross with the idea of the pair of them alone, so Lily was thankful Mary was avoiding her. It made it easier to calm her nerves in preparation for the meeting if she didn't have to worry about one of her closest friends glaring daggers at her all day and making cutting remarks under her breath.
The sun eventually took its rightful place in the morning sky as the occupants of Lily's dorm began to stir and still Lily stayed in bed, thinking.
The door to the dorm room suddenly banged open, rousing Jess from slumber abruptly and startling a dozing Mel.
"Need a sweater," Mary said, striding in, her words clipped.
"She's coming to watch me practice on the pitch," Marlene announced, flouncing in with a swagger.
"Up and at 'em, ladies," she crowed, slugging Jessica with a pillow.
"It's Saturday!" Jess groaned, withdrawing further into her blankets, "Too early for this."
Marlene rolled her eyes, "Nonsense, the earlier the better. Means I won't have to compete with anyone else for the practice space."
"Help me find my sweater and we'll go, Marlene," Mary ordered sharply, digging through her trunk.
"You should have brought it with you last night," Marlene pointed out, "You knew I'd be dragging you out there."
"Better yet," Jess quipped from her huddle mass of blankets, "You should have slept here so you didn't wake us up barging in like a Erumpent!"
"Why are you sleeping over Marlene's?" Meldonna asked curiously.
"No reason," Mary replied with feigned casualty.
"There must be some reason," Mel pressed, "Right Lily?"
Lily looked down at her blankets.
"I'm sure I don't know what you mean," she murmured.
Jess looked back and forth between Mary and Lily warily.
"Okay, you two," she started, a gleam of suspicion in her eyes, "What's going on between you? Don't think I haven't noticed that you two haven't said more than a word in passing to each other all week."
"Did you two have a fight?" Mel asked curiously.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Mary insisted, "We're fine."
She fixed Lily with a forced smile, "Right, Lily?"
"Uh…yeah," Lily said, nodding slowly, "Completely fine."
"You two would be terrible actresses," Jess deadpanned, not believing them for a second.
She turned to Marlene, "You must know what's going on."
Marlene held her hands up, "Hey, I don't know nothing! I'm just as in the dark as you are."
"Why don't we believe you?" Meldonna asked skeptically.
Marlene shrugged, "Beats me, maybe you have trust issues." She began to back out of the door nervously, "You should really work on that, you know. It's never good to go around suspecting others over nothing."
She backed fully out of the room, "Hey, Mary, I'll be right out here, okay?"
The door shut unanimously after her.
Jess turned back to Lily, arms crossed, "So…what's the story here?"
"There is no story," Lily lied, "Honest, you guys are making something out of nothing."
"Ooh, is this about a boy?" Meldonna squealed, her eyes lighting up eagerly, "Is that why you're fighting?"
"No—,"
"Congratulations, Mel," Mary said drolly, "You've cracked the case."
"I did?" Meldonna asked excitedly. Beside her, Jessica lit up like a Christmas tree.
"Rowan Gowan," Mary intoned simply, "Seems Lily fancies him as much as I do."
"Gowan?" Jessica asked, eyes wide, "That handsome seventh year in Ravenclaw?"
Mary nodded, "I've been thinking of asking him to Hogsmeade, but Lily apparently likes him too. Things are…awkward at the moment."
"Oh, I love a good love triangle!" Meldonna cried with glee, "Who do you think he fancies?"
"Hard to say," Mary said with a shrug, "Guess we'll just have to wait and see."
She spared Lily a passing glance before picking up her sweater and leaving the room, Mel and Jess wrapped in a flurry of gossip.
Lily felt a rush of gratitude for Mary; it seems her friend wasn't angry enough at her to reveal who their true crush was. Lily was thankful she hadn't been thrown to the wolves that were Mel and Jess as the pair would surely harass her doubly if they knew Severus was the one she wanted, their years of prejudice against Slytherin's making them as unreasonable as James to see the good In Sev.
Jess would most likely spread this 'secret' around the school in no time, further deflecting suspicion from the real object of Lily and Mary's affections. She'd no doubt tell James and seeing as Remus had assured everyone that Peter wouldn't blab, the only source James would have was a very uninformed Jessica.
Though Lily wonder why it was so important to keep things quiet from James. Surely he'd moved on from his crush on her by now, considering how close he seemed to be to Jess.
Jess and Mel would need Lily very little for their gossip as it were, despite the topic being about her. Instead, they'd be too busy caught up in telling anyone they saw about the juicy tidbit they'd come across, spreading the rumor far and wide. They'd probably spend most of their time eyeing poor Rowan and bursting into giggles, confusing the lad endlessly as they waggled their eyebrows at Lily and descended into more hushed whisperings of excitement.
Really, those two needed very little to excite them.
Lily took the opportunity to dress while her friends chattered incessantly to one another.
"I'm going," she called over her shoulder, all but ignored as Mel walked Jess through random sightings of Rowan over the past year and counting it as proof he must fancy Lily over Mary.
Poor Rowan Gowan.
{page break}
"You sure you don't want anymore, Snape," Simone asked carefully, "Who knows when the meeting will end; you might not get a chance to eat again until dinner."
"I'm fine," Severus said, peering at her over the rim of his coffee mug, "I don't think I could stomach much right now."
Simone looked like she wanted to argue, but she merely pressed her lips into a thin line, staying silence. Normally she'd be more than willing to override Severus's protest and shovel a heaping helping of eggs onto his plate, but their little heart to heart recently seemed to have changed her. As hard as it was for someone as headstrong as Simone, she was making a valiant effort to stop pushing her own viewpoint as right.
"If you're sure," she said quietly, turning back to her own breakfast.
Severus gave her a slight smile, "I am…thanks."
"Are you excited, Severus?" Thea asked, wisely changing the subject.
"Excited it's the most accurate word, I suppose," Severus replied, "Nervous, is more like it."
"Understandable," Thea nodded. She casually passed Simone a napkin wrapped crescent under the table, not acknowledging the girl's questioning look, "But surely you're looking somewhat forward to it? This will be the first chance for you to actually get to know about your heritage."
"I supposed so," Severus agreed, "But who knows what I'm actually going to learn about my family? The picture mother painted for me when she first explained her banishment isn't a very comforting image."
"You're not wrong," Thea conceded. She nudged Simone with her elbow when Severus's gaze dropped to his plate.
Turning baffled eyes to Thea, Simone watched her friend subtly dart her eyes across the table to an expectant Davis.
Understanding lit up Simone's eyes.
"However, that doesn't mean there isn't anything redeemable about your family," Thea continued, holding Severus attention, "Perhaps age has softened them."
As she spoke, Simone carefully passed the napkin-clad pastry under the table to Davis.
Severus nodded reluctantly, "I know everyone keeps saying that—and I'm not ruling it out as a possibility—but it's a slim one."
Davis passed the bundle to Nesme who sneakily dropped it into Severus's bag, successfully ensuring the nervous boy would at least have a snack later if he grew hungry from skipping breakfast.
Lily plopped down into a set beside Severus, "Morning everyone."
Simone inclined her head to the girl, "Morning, Evans. No MacDonald again I see."
Lily sighed, grabbing a muffin"Unfortunately not. She's still mad at me."
She risked a glance at Severus, but when she caught the boy's gaze, they both looked away in awkward embarrassment.
"She can't stay mad at you forever," Simone assured, "You're best friends; at some point she'll have to calm down and take your feelings into account for once. You've been doing that more than enough for her."
"I'm confused," Lily said in exasperation, "Did everyone but Mary know about me and Sev?"
"Yup," Davis said.
"Same here," Simone added while Thea nodded.
"I thought you guys were dating last year," Nesme admitted, looking around in confusion, "That's what I thought the falling out at the lake was…a breakup."
"We were just friends then," Lily sputtered, accidentally spraying muffin bits everywhere.
"And now?" Nesme asked innocently.
"We're…we're," Lily looked at Severus, "I mean we're friends now, but…"
"It's complicated," Severus stated simply, "Admittedly there was something between us, but words were exchanged that have made our standing with each other rather tentative at best."
"While we're on that subject," Lily said, "Sev, I been meaning to speak to you about it for a long time."
Severus sighed, "Now's hardly the time, Lily…"
"It needs to be said," Lily cut in, "Listen, about what we talked about on the train…"
Severus closed his eyes wearily.
"I concede to your points," Lily said firmly.
Severus blinked, turning to face her, "What?"
"I'm saying that I can accept your point of view," Lily explained, "I may not be on board with it, but I can see how that doesn't mean you're wrong."
"Lily…" Severus breathed, stunned.
"I know you already know I never meant to say what I said about comparing you to your father," Lily went on, holding up her hand, "But that doesn't mean I don't owe you an apology for it."
She took a deep breath.
"Sev," she began, "I'm sorry I said such awful things to you. You're nothing like your father."
Severus's mouth worked noiselessly, speechless.
"And nothing you could ever do would make you like him, Sev," Lily added, "because you do what you do for those you care about…to protect them. As much as I don't like that spell of yours, I know you're using it because you want me safe. I…I'm touched you'd make such sacrifices for me."
"But that doesn't mean I want you to make them," Lily pushed on before Severus could say anything, "Sev, I know you'd never do anything like that unless pushed, but that still doesn't mean I want you to ever be in that situation in the first place. Look…I know I can't change the reality of war…but I don't want you out there fighting by yourself for me. You mean just as much to me as I do to you; losing you would hurt just as much as if you lost me."
"So what are you saying?" Severus asked, finally finding his voice.
"I'm saying that throw yourself away on some gallant gesture for me," Lily pleaded, "Don't put yourself on the front lines if you don't have to. You're a Slytherin, not a careless Gryffindor. Please, Sev," she took his hands in her own, "Let's play it safe…only go that far if we have no other choice. Killing someone can change you, Sev…I don't want you to take that step unless you absolutely have to."
"I…I don't know what to say…" Severus admitted, "Lily…of course I'm not just going to dive into this war head on. I'm not James bloody Potter, for Merlin's sake. I just…" he looked into Lily's eyes, "I know what people like Avery are capable of…and if it comes to it—" he left the statement hanging in the air.
Lily smiled, "Then you'll protect me…I know that Sev. I just hope it doesn't ever have to come to that."
"Me either," Severus said, "And…the Occlumency?"
Lily sighed, "I admit I'm still not a fan of rooting around in someone else's head, but…I've done some research on the subject and I guess at second glance…it's not all bad."
"You've researched it?" Severus asked.
Lily nodded, "Fibbed my way into a permission slip to access the restricted section. Turns out there are some valid good uses for Occlumency. In therapy mostly, though the treatments are still relatively rare and uncommon outside of extreme cases. Still, if looking into someone's mind could help them rather than hurt…I guess it's not as dark as I first thought."
"So…" Severus ventured, "You understand?"
"I understand," Lily huffed, "I may not like it, but I understand why you're doing it. I'm not going to stop you."
"That's all I wanted, Lily," Severus said, relief flooding his features, "Lily…you really…this means so much to me and…"
"Hey, it's Hagrid!" Nesme cried, ever the moment-ruiner, "He's coming this way."
"He must be here to bring us to the gates," Lily stated, "It's for the best, my stomach's in knots this morning and I doubt I could eat anymore."
She stood up, holding a hand out for Severus, "Ready, Sev?"
Severus gave her a genuine smile, "Of course," he said, taking her proffered hand.
Severus stood up, looking down into his bag, "…Where did this roll come from?"
"No give backs!" Nesme shouted as Lily ushered Severus out of the Great Hall.
I've actually smuggled food into my friends bags before. Usually for their own nutrition...sometimes because we're heading to the movies and I ran out of room to smuggle a sandwich into my purse.
Anyone else ever eaten an entire meal in the movie theater? Hard to cover the smell of chicken and mashed potatoes...But more filling than popcorn!
It was about time Lily hashed things out with Severus. She's been holding off mainly because of Severus desire to avoid the subject (since he worried it would lead to more arguing), but now that the truths out-thanks to Marlene-she's got no reason to keep dancing around the subject. She had Severus once, she pushed him away, and now she wants to fix things.
Review, folks!