Chapter 5
7:43am
Tuesday rolled in like a blur. Sunday turned into Monday and that came about Tuesday. Two blizzard-like days of emptiness. They were onto nowhere at this point in the case. The killer might as well get away with murder since they definitely do not know who that man is.
Atwater and Ruzek have gone through all the security footages at the park over a dozen times, frame by frame and it's always either too grainy or dark to get a reading on the facial recognition software. With every try, CODIS has an excuse.
Antonio had gone to Chase the other day to enquire more about the anonymous account but other than what they have already known, they had nothing to lead them to a path.
Jay's simple task of finding their star witness, Erin Lindsay, was a flop. He have talked to the arresting officer of her most recent arrest which was almost eight years ago and all he could remember was that she's one angry kid. Jay found that hard to believe, he knows her. He've seen her. He've talked to her. She looked to be a nice and calm woman.
Why was his judgment so clouded?
He don't understand why. He don't really know her. All he knows is what was on her file.
Why was he taking this case too personal?
He don't know why.
Yawning, he walked up the stairs to the lobby of the busy district and was lighten up to the hustle and bustle of 21.
Though he have already been in the Unit for over a year, Voight still somehow doesn't see him as an asset. He still thinks that the only reason he's here was because he's friends with Antonio.
Jay have been trying to prove himself to his superior, that he's valuable to the team but every time he thinks he did just that, he's back to square one. Even Ruzek and Atwater gets more respect than he does.
The first person he saw was Platt and as usual she was standing behind the desk, on the phone.
"I don't really care if you have to go to the North Side. You bring his fat ass back here." Platt yelled into the phone, causing heads to turn in the busy lobby.
Jay shared a look with Kim Burgess who was quick on her feet to turn back around from where she had came from. He chuckled before walking over to Platt, just as she was hanging up the line.
"Bringing in a crook?"
"No. Bombay Palace thinks they're gonna get away by scamming me, the desk sergeant, and not give me my chutney! How am I supposed to eat my samosas? Nah-ah! That Indian bastard can bring his ass back here and hand it to me himself!" Platt scuffed, looking at Jay.
"Babaji? C'mon Sarge. Give the poor man a break." Jay said, referring to the elder delivery man from the local Indian restaurant that was just a few blocks away.
"Are you tryna say something, Halstead?" she cocked her head to one side.
Maybe he should've just walked away. He should've done what Burgess had done and buzz himself up to the pen.
He shrugged, "I'm just saying there's a tonne of chutneys in the fridge upstairs." he explained.
"God knows how long they've been living there! You tryna have me killed! Who's gonna watch over the desk when I'm gone? You! Puh-lease! Just go! Go! Get your ass upstairs!" she huffed, shooing him away.
Jay's feelings were definitely bruised.
Why does everyone thinks he's incompetent in doing his job?
7:51am
"Burgess!" he heard Platt yell just as he walk up to the bullpen to see every member already there. Once again, he's last. He already knows what's coming next.
"You're late!" Voight barked as Jay took a seat at his desk, "We don't have all day to wait for your ass, Halstead!"
It's barely even eight. That's hardly being late at all. Though he wanted to defend himself, though he desperately wanted to say something, he chose otherwise since he very much know Voight wouldn't think twice about booting him off the team.
"Won't happen again, Sarge." he said, not wanting to start an argument with his superior who's in no mood to fight over petty nonsense.
They were all exhausted but none other than Jay who still couldn't get Erin Lindsay out of his mind.
Why is that?
10:19am
It's not long before Erin's fragile illusion of what her life had reduced to, shattered into a million pieces. Yet again. Just as she thought she had finally regained the control in her life, he took it away just as quickly.
He did it again.
Whenever he would do that to her she would find an escape from reality. A coping mechanism that she had built for herself in the confines of her head as a fourteen year old. A coping mechanism that could bring her to her happy place.
She would lay unmoving and barely breathing until he finishes.
She would picture St. Barthélemy or any beautiful island with white sand and crystal blue sea to be exact since that was what she saw in pictures and on TV. She've never gone to a beach. The unknown, that was her happy place. A place of peace, calm and tranquility. A place where she knows she's safe, just her inside her head.
She would squeeze her eyes shut and clutch the sheets tighter and tighter between her fists in order to have something to hold onto as she focus on that sandy white beach.
Much like that day as she, once again, was that fourteen year old.
Laying on her rock hard couch, she was in an unforgiving pain. Pain that got worse as the days progressed. Two days have gone by and as predicted, it was the worst yet. Every inch hurt. She was sure every millimetre of every bone were bruised, if not fractured.
Her night didn't go as planned. She never went for another round on the pole and she never went to fulfil her promises to her awaiting clients.
That night, she somehow managed to get out of his office. Tears, blood, sweat, all hers, were pouring. She was in agony.
What'd she ever done to him?
She don't know.
All the other dancers at the dressing room stared at her. Their eyes wide with fear and pity. Even Yasmin was agape. They gawked, not saying a word with every moan that escaped her lips as she tried her best to get back into decent clothing.
If Misha could do such a thing to his daughter, what about them?
They know better than to get involved so they mind their own business.
A baby was screaming in a distance. She can hear it but it just seemed so lost and unreachable with all the voices and haze that she was trapped in.
Was it Noah? Or was it her?
She don't know.
She'll get over this. Like always.
She'll be good as new. Like always.
She'll have no choice but to pretend like nothing has ever happened. Like always.
She'll be fine.
Out of all the days that he could be clingy, out of all the three hundred and sixty five options, it just had to be when she could barely walk, talk and breath.
"Noah! Could you please stop crying!" she begged through laboured breaths.
Though she needed something much more stronger than Tylenol, she knows not to go down that road again.
She's in desperate need of a fix.
But maybe this was her chance of getting clean again.
She's at the bottom of all bottoms.
How low can she go?
"Why are you crying?" she slowly lifted the covers, wincing in pain as sharp edges pierced within her abdomen and she slowly dragged her feet, never lifting a muscle, to where her son was at his playpen.
If it wasn't for Annie, helping out when she can and staying with them for the time being, she wouldn't be able to function.
She needed help.
He've been keeping them up all night and that alone was tipping her off her limits.
She don't understand why he was crying so much. She've played with him, bathed him, fed him and changed him. And he still wanted her.
Why would anyone want her?
Every time, she put Noah down, he'd whine before starting his ear screeching cries. This morning, it had even gotten to the point where he had aggravated his asthma. Luckily, she was able to control the attack with his medication.
"Oh no!" she gasped through a choking sob as she bent down to pick him up.
He was holding his teething toy in his chubby hands, saliva drooling down the sides on his mouth and as soon as she picked him up, he began slowly calming down.
Shifting him to her uninjured side, he immediately cuddled into her and she allowed his warmth to calm her as well.
With the collar of his onesie, she dabbed off the drool from the sides of his cheeks, "I'm sorry baby." she said softly.
She really was. She didn't mean to snap at him.
Slowly bouncing and swinging him from side to side, trying to get him to sleep, she whimpered through every excruciating pain.
She's hurting.
But he doesn't seem to care at all.
She's tired.
She have never wanted to be a mother.
She was never ready.
10:33am
Looking at her reflection in the mirror, she let out a deep and agonising cry as she pressed her lips onto Noah's head. She haven't seen this girl in years and here she was again, in front of her.
The bruises around her eye and the corner of her lips had darken into a deeper shade of purple. Her entire torso had doubled in size with purple and red splotches covering her slight. Her ulna and radius still felt like they were vibrating with his kicks when she lifted her arms to shield him from smashing her face with his boots. With the amount of injuries, it'd be a month or so before she could get back to work.
She's ugly.
At the beginning, she had thought stripping would give her the confidence and self-esteem that she needed, and it did. For a years and years, it did. Her persona of someone sexy and desired, of something men craved, filled a void in her. The need for love and attention, something she never had, was fulfilled with every wolf whistle, hoot and dollar bill that they toss in the air.
That was then, she's disgusted in herself now.
.
"Erin! Erin! Sweetie! Come here!"
Erin was swinging as high as she could on one of the many swings at the playground, getting ready to jump off. So she could show off the new trick she had learned to her friend, Peyton, when her mother beckoned for her.
"Ugh!" she groaned before slipping out. She didn't want to lose her spot on the swings and let the other kids play but she knows better than to ignore her mother.
This afternoon was the first time in years that her mother had taken her to the park, which was quite strange since she never willingly did that. Not after her father had died.
Running to where she was at the bench, she noticed a rather big man next to her with a big smile plastered on his face.
"Yea, mom." she said, catching her breath.
She took a quick glance at the giant and instantly recognised him. He was one of the many friends her mother had over. But this man didn't seem like her mother's other friends, she've seen him almost every night at their apartment for past few months.
This was odd because her mother used to have many men, friends as she called, over at their home. A new one every night. He's the only consistent one.
There was one rule whenever she had her friends over and that was to stay in her own room until she said otherwise. But one night, over a month ago, she was in dire need of a glass of water, so she sneaked out of her room and tiptoed to the kitchen. And as she did that, she inevitably stumbled upon her mother wrestling this giant, naked. They both were. She instantly dashed back into her room, no longer thirsty.
"Erin, sweetie. I want you to meet someone special. His name's Mikhail." her mother said kindly as she comb through her hair with her fingers.
"Hello, Erin."
She just stared at him. He was big - muscular and tall - stern and had an accent. He towered over her mother's petit frame, almost tripling in size. Instantly, she knows she doesn't like him. He was intimidating.
The images from the other night swarmed her thoughts. She had no idea what he was doing to her mother on the couch nor the reason for their nakedness.
If they were fighting, why were their clothes off?
"C'mon now, Dandelion. Where are your manners?"
This whole encounter felt so different, the way that her mother was speaking to her was so utterly strange. Her mother was nice for once. She no longer was cranky and irritated. She must've had her 'juice' this morning.
"Hello, Sir."
He laughed and knelt in front of her, wrapping his large hands on her small shoulders. "You just call me Misha. Ok, Erin?"
His voice was so deep that it felt as though her whole body rumbled with each syllable. Just like some of her mother's friends, he was foreign.
"Come give me a hug." he said as he opened his arms wide and she did as she was told, like always, and wrapped her arms around chest.
She felt uncomfortable but she couldn't just say no. Her mother will be mad.
He kissed her cheek, pulling away as he does and stared at her with his light blue eyes that sent shivers down her spine. Those were the lightest blues she've ever seen.
"I will be your new daddy, Erin." he said, cupping her cheeks. "Your mother and I will get married."
He was getting too friendly and heavy with each touch but maybe with all the muscles, he doesn't know his strength. Maybe this was how they greet people in where he's from.
Her eyes widen in disbelief. Her mother was replacing her father with a new man.
"But what about daddy? I don't want a new daddy, mom." she looked up at her mother with tears in her eyes.
Four years had past since her father had died and it has been a very difficult and stressful four years.
Her father was a hardworking and family-oriented Christian. As a truck driver, he would travel a lot which meant that she wouldn't see him for days at a time. Though they didn't have much, they had enough to live a decent life. He'd always take her out on outings. He'd buy her gifts whenever he comes back. Dolls, clothes, shoes, whatever she wanted, she had. Fishing, camping trips, Sunday lunches after church; those were the fondest memories she had with her dad. The good times when her mother hadn't forgotten how to be a mother.
Just like everyone else in this world, her father had his demons and his were gambling and cigarettes.
"Sorry, babe. Erin and I needs to have a little talk." she huffed before yanking her roughly by the arm and dragging her to the side.
"Now you listen to me, you ungrateful brat. I'm not going to let you ruin my chances of a better life. I need a man, ok. Do you like the way we're living, huh? Do you like going to bed on an empty stomach?"
She shook her head.
"Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm going to marry him whether you like it or not. So, you better get off your high horse. He loves me and I love him and he agreed to love you too. I know you miss your dad but he's dead. He smoked his life away. If he really loved us, he wouldn't have left us with nothing, Erin. We've talked about this, he's in a better place. He's happy and we should be too. Misha is a good man. You'll love him. Now be a good girl and apologise."
She nodded and walked over to him.
Her mother was right. If her dad had really loved them, he wouldn't have left them with nothing. Not only did the medical bills from his chemotherapy left them bankrupt, his gambling debt did too.
The day that he was buried, as they went back home, they went back to a vacate notice. Just like that, overnight, they were homeless. Every single thing they owned were seized by the collectors. They had nothing.
Erin was too young to understand what was going on, she was only six, but she understood enough to know that her life would never be the same.
"Sorry." she muttered under her breath as she lightly kicked the loose gravel.
"Erin." her mother warned.
Sighing, "Sorry, dad."
"It's ok, solnyshko. You don't have to call me dad if you don't want to. Call me Misha." he said kindly as he lightly tousled with her hair.
"Cheer up. You are beautiful when you smile." he lifted her chin so that she was looking into his light blue eyes, "Do you like Disney princess?"
Her eyes widen again but this time, she nodded with a huge grin on her face. She've always wanted to go to Disneyland but they never had the money. While most of her friends had already gone to the Happiest Place on Earth, all she did was listen to their tales. But that's soon about to change, he was going to take her to Disneyland. A land where dreams come true.
"Great! Get your things pack because we're going to Disney World!"
Jumping in joy, "What? Really! Oh my god! Thanks dad!" she exclaimed, hugging him. Not only was she going to Disney World, she was also going to ride an aeroplane for the very first time.
"Mommy! Can I go now? I wanna tell Peyton."
"Yea. Go ahead, sweetie."
That weekend, they did went to Disney World and she loved every inch of that 27,258 acres park.
She loved her new dad.
Of course, a trip to the world's biggest Disneyland would buy a ten year old's heart.
The next weekend, they moved out of their ratty apartment in Roseland and into his house in Bridgeport where she had the perfect bedroom.
"You don't have to worry anymore, solnyshko. Your mother and I will get married and as long as you're here, you are safe. I will take care of you."
If only she knew, 'here' was a living a nightmare.
If only she knew, what went on in his brain with every touch, hug and kiss.
.
10:52am
"Noah. Mommy hurts, ok."
Her arms were aching.
"Please, I'm begging you, don't cry anymore." she bit her lip, kissing his soft hair as she laid him back into his playpen. The agony in her ribs was unrelenting, telling her that she needed to see a doctor. "Just play with your toys. Mommy needs to rest."
She crawled back onto the couch and stared at the ceiling above. Bunny knew what he was about to do to her and like always, she didn't do a damn thing.
Why was she still waiting for her mother to change?
As she grew older, as she came to understand how life really was, she realised she was doing the exact same thing as her mother had in order to survive.
I had to do what I had to do, Dandelion.
Those were her exact words. The day she saw her mother with a bunch of cash in her hands.
She didn't know it then but her mother was prostituting herself. And she had fallen in love with one of her clients, Misha.
Bunny had to do what she had to do to survive and that's exactly what Erin was doing.
Like mother like daughter. The apple never really fall far from the tree.
Just as she was about to close her eyes, just as she was dozing off, Noah's whinny cries echoed in the one-bedroom apartment.
She ignored him, though she was frazzled inside, he needs to know what life really is all about.
2:31pm
Jay flicked his pen in between his fingers. A habit of his that says he was busy in his own head. One can only imagine the rambling thoughts that was trapped in there.
He's confused, conflicted and cluttered in his own head. He feels trapped inside.
He doesn't know what to do next.
Atwater and Ruzek were now out contacting their CIs who had frequented Garfield Park to see if they've seen or heard anything out of the ordinary in the last couple of days. At least they had something that might lead them to somewhere. He had nothing.
Jay eyed the folder on the lower bunch of his tower high stack of paperworks and files. He knows he shouldn't be going through her file again but he feels as though he was compelled to, even when he practically had it memorised already.
From time to time, he had to remind himself the real reason he had to look for Erin Lindsay; she's a material witness to a murder. This, whatever he was feeling, had to be pushed aside. His personal feelings for her has to be contained since it was clouding all his judgments. But there shouldn't have been any personal feelings in the first place.
He doesn't even know her.
"Ugh! What the hell!" he threw in the towel and snatched her file from beneath and turned three pages to her last arrest.
An arrest that had landed her one and a half years in Cook County Juvenile Center.
AGGRAVATED BATTERY - CAUSED GREAT BODILY HARM
Apparently, she was involved in a fight that resulted in the other party with a compound fracture. Since she was a repeated offender, she was sent to a detention centre as a last resort.
Whoa!
At first glance, he had thought she was an angel.
She looked to be angelic.
What could've happened in her life for her to be so angry and violent?
He flipped through the pages and landed to her first ever arrest at fourteen years old.
Another violence charge.
What made her such an angry person?
Arrest date: 10-AUG-2006
Arrest charges: SIMPLE BATTERY-CAUSE BODILY HARM
Dist. of Detention: DISTRICT 024 LOCKUP
CPD Charges/Dispositions: RELEASED TO PARENTS
Officer: RENZULLI
In the two years of criminal activity, she had graduated from simple battery to aggravated battery.
Residence: 1055 WEST 31ST PLACE, BRIDGEPORT, CHICAGO, IL 60609
"Hey, Tony! Wanna go for a ride?"
2:40pm
What was supposed to be a land of houses laid out one after the other, what he had thought would turn out to be Erin Lindsay's place of residence was nothing more than a disappointment of meat packing factories. The entire block was now a meat packing industry.
"1055 West 31st Place. You sure this the address?" Antonio asked as he slammed the door of the car shut. He looked up to see a sign that says 'The Smithfield Packing Co.'
"Yea." he said, rubbing his hands across his face in frustration.
He's so disappointed in himself.
"Looks like Mr. Smithfield bought the entire block man." he chuckled, "Hey, maybe Atwater and Ruzek have something for us."
"Yea. Maybe."
They don't understand. No one understands. He doesn't just have to find her, he needs to find her. He has to find her. He has an unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach that something bad is about to happen.
3:02pm
Before heading back to the station, they stopped at Dunkin Donuts for a snack. It couldn't have been any more of a cop stereotype.
So here they were at Dunkin Donuts, waiting in line for their order. While everyone else at the establishment were joyous, enjoying their sugary treats, he was sullen. He was angry at himself.
He had only one task and he couldn't even do that right. Maybe Voight was right, Intelligence wasn't for him.
"Jay, what's your order?" Antonio said, snapping him from his thoughts.
"Huh? Oh. Nah. Not hungry."
They went to the other end and waited some more. Jay crossed his arms around his chest and watched as two kids run around the serpentine while their mothers chat amongst each other without a care in the world.
He wished he could be like them.
At peace and carefree.
"Seriously man? When is Jay Halstead ever not hungry?"
He shrugged. Telling Antonio that he's worried about Erin might not be the smartest idea. It's irrational and totally uncalled for. He might think he's losing his mind for feeling this way about a complete stranger. He thinks that too. He, himself, don't understand why he's feeling this way.
One thing he knows for certain is that he isn't even, remotely, in her mind. She had already long forgotten about him. He knows she isn't spending half the time he does, thinking about a stranger. She seemed pretty pissed off when he concluded that someone was hitting her.
Maybe, like she said, she did fell.
He would never forgive himself if something worse were to happen to her since he could've have prevented it if he had tried harder.
He's obsessed with her.
"Is it about that witness - Lindsay?"
He has a big heart. But he has to remember, as a cop, he can't and shouldn't take cases too far. It's not professional and definitely not healthy.
"Hey. I'm sure she's fine."
But her rap sheet and her history with drugs and violence suggests otherwise.
What if she's dead?
3:17pm
Grabbing their treats, Jay decided to give it one last try. "Hey." the nerd behind the counter, who looked no more than a junior, stared up at him, "You seen her?"
He took his glasses off and squinted at his phone, "No. I don't think so. I mean, I just started here anyway. I can call my manager if you want."
Just as he was about to give an answer, out of his peripheral view, on his right, he heard what he thought was only in his head.
Whispers
Two women, one older than the other, whom Jay concluded was a duo of a mother and daughter, whispered to one another. He, sure as hell, heard the name Erin in the mix.
"You two." Jay called out when they both saw that he had caught their eyes and began walking away.
"Is there something wrong officer?"
"You know her?" he asked as he held up his phone with a picture of Erin's mug shoot.
He can see her brows scrunched up in surprise. "So what if I do?" the older woman crossed her arms, "I ain't talkin' to a cop. I ain't no snitch."
Annoyed, Jay scratch the spot on his lip. Something he does when he's so utterly irritated.
What's so bad about talking to the police?
"And that's great. Really. And I can also arrest you for withholding information. Maybe a change of scenery would change your mind." Jay smiled sweetly.
"Mah!" the daughter exclaimed.
Maybe that's why no one wants to talk to the police.
"Fine. Only cuz I haven't seen her lately."
3:03pm
Her hands were shaking so violently that she had thought she was seizing.
She doesn't know what to do or what she's doing anymore. She's just so tired.
Tears fell in torrents as she so desperately tried to keep her sanity.
She doesn't know how much longer she can take his restless cries. It's been so long since she've had any peace in her life. She can't even remember the last time she was actually genuinely at peace.
For the past thirty minutes, Noah, was, once again, screaming his head off. Nonstop. Like a broken record. On repeat that was only driving her over the edge.
But he wasn't the only one.
She's so frustrated.
The hurt that she's in was making this situation even worse. Normally she wouldn't be in so much despair.
There were times she wanted to run. To walk out the door and leave her child in their freezing apartment. She shamelessly admit to that. There were times that she wanted to escape. She have had plenty of opportunities but she never could actually do it. She can't leave him. She loves him too much. Her flesh and blood. She's the only family he's ever known and got.
He has no one but her.
She doesn't want to have those thoughts but sometimes, it just creeps up on her, especially at times as frustrating as right now.
She wants to run.
"Baby, what's wrong?" she asked softly into his hair as she tiredly limped about the living room with her bare feet, gently swaying and rocking her sobbing child in her arms one more painful time.
It was at times like this that she wished he could speak. So he could tell her what's really wrong and so she could fix whatever problems he has.
"You have no fever. You're not wet. You just ate. I don't know what to do. What else do you want from me, Noah?" she sighed, reaching into the refrigerator for her bottle of vodka.
Annie will be mad but she doesn't really care anymore. Other than that she haven't eaten anything all day so it won't be long before she's drunk.
Even though she had promised herself to never drink in front of her child, even though she knew it was wrong, even though she vowed to never follow in her mother's footsteps, today needs to be an exception. She's in an agonising amount of pain and has nothing but Tylenol to dull the aches.
Twisting the cap open, she sat her wailing Noah down on the kitchen countertop, steadying him with one arm as she work on opening the liquor with one hand.
It was as she felt the cool liquid burning the back of her throat that he decided to smack her abdomen with his little fists.
"Fuck!" she coughed and doubled over in pain. It was nonetheless excruciating considering the amount of kicks Misha had given her the other day.
That seemed to lighten the mood for him, seeing his mother in pain. It wasn't a surprise since his father took pleasure in causing her pain for years and years of her life.
She took another large gulp since she doesn't know what else to do but drink. To not only numb the physical pain but also everything else surrounding her.
"Maaaaa!" he began fussing again, thrashing his little arms in the air, causing Erin to groan in frustration.
Why couldn't her baby be like other babies who hardly ever cries?
This was one of those times that she wished she had taken plan B or even gone back ten years to when she was fourteen and had told somebody.
.
That night, the night before her fourteenth birthday, she went to bed a happy being, excited to wake up a fourteen year old, excited to spend a day with her friends, a day that will be dedicated to her.
But that day never happened. She woke up a different girl, a girl who had given up on life. Erin woke up with her entire existence questioned. The hell that she was in was only the beginning.
That was nothing compared to this.
She woke up to an excruciating pain. A pain like none other. It felt as though her insides were on fire.
What's happening?
His heavy, deep breathing were in her ears. His sweat was dripping onto her skin. She tried to scream but soon realised she couldn't. He had placed his hand on her mouth.
He was on top of her, crushing her petite body with his entire weight. She could smell him, his cologne. She could feel him thrusting in and out of her body. He was grabbing her in places he should never even think of touching.
Confused.
She was so beyond confused. She couldn't understand why he was doing this to her.
Was it because she had finally filled in her curves?
Was it because she had finally become a woman?
Tears fell in torrents as he shoved his entire length into her one last time. Quivering and groaning as he does. She whimpered, squirming underneath him when she felt the hot liquid filling her inside.
He laid on top of her, grunting and out of breath, for what seemed like forever before actually pulling out.
She dare not look at him.
She hates him.
"Happy birthday, solnyshko."
And that was her birthday gift.
She had lost her virginity to her stepfather.
.
3:38pm
Those piercing light blue irises were right before her again. Just like that early 8th July morning, the day of her birthday. These eyes weren't any different. It held no innocence, no remorse, no tranquility. All she saw was him on top of her. The man who ruin her life.
How dumb and naïve can she be?
She had actually thought that her stepfather was a decent man with occasional violent tendencies and she had successfully convinced herself that the beatings didn't really matter, that it wasn't a big deal. It was bearable. It was her fault for getting involved anyway. He provided for them and that was better than homelessness.
At that point in her life, she would've believed every single word that came of her mother's mouth.
She trusted him. Never in a million years would she have thought that he was capable of such a cruel act. Especially towards her, his stepdaughter that he had adopted.
She should've known.
While it takes years to build trust, it only takes seconds to destroy. After all the years she had entrusted in her stepfather, it took him that one time to destroy her.
The most baffling question that still boggles her to this day was why he had waited four years to snatch her innocence away.
Four long years of him being her 'father', of trusting him, of building a relationship with him. That night was absolutely unexpected.
She just turned fourteen. Just a second prior.
He was probably scheming his way into her bedroom since day one, since they met at the park and ever since their trip to Disney World.
She hates him.
With her blood boiling, her mind enraged, and her vision blurred with all the impending tears, it was as if someone had taken over her soul. Her right arm was possessed. It didn't feel like hers, as if she had no control over what she was about to do.
She didn't know how or when she had lifted her arm. She didn't know how or when her palm had clamped over her baby's mouth and nose.
Shaking violently, she stared into his light blue eyes as her tears spilled one after the other.
The familiar light blue irises.
He ruined her. If he hadn't had raped her night after night, she wouldn't have felt worthless in this screwed up world. She wouldn't have made a series of mistakes that landed her here, where she is today.
She hates him.
She clamped her hands tighter into his face. His limb thrashing in the air. That only made him scream louder, snapping her from doing the unthinkable.
3:42pm
"Oh my god! Oh my god!" she gasped, quickly releasing her grip on his mouth. She watched and begged him to take a huge gulp of air. A moment longer, he would've been dead and she would've gone to prison. And be branded as a baby killer.
"What have I done?!"
She had almost killed her baby. Her sweet boy.
"Why couldn't You have taken me already?"
Though she have tried many times, they were always unsuccessful.
She's not worthy of life. She shouldn't live. She has no rights to exist in this world.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, baby!" she cried out loud and buried her face into her shaky hands. Shocked by her actions.
She didn't mean it. She didn't know what had happened. She blacked out. Never would she ever want to end her baby's life.
He doesn't deserve a mother like her. A mother who could barely handle life, who's weak and timid. He's better off with Annie.
Maybe she should leave this world.
"Please, forgive mommy baby! I'm sorry. I know you hate me! I'm sor-" she cried just as loudly when a knock resonated into the four walls of her apartment.
She immediately tensed up and froze. Lifting her son up from the kitchen top, she hugged his tiny body close to her chest and let his exhaust remind her why she had opt to keep him.
It was love. An answer as simple as that.
She loves her son.
This, as she came to realise was just a minor curve that life throws out of the blue to test ones resiliency and ability to cope. As proven, she had clearly failed. But that was no reason to give up. She has to get back up on two feet and stop sulking in her misery. She has to keep it together for Noah.
She's not alone.
3:47pm
Another knock echoed and it was then that she knew that it just wasn't in her head.
What if it was Misha?
He had said he wasn't finished with her.
She's terrified.
She hates him.
She loves him.
She can't go through that again.
. . .
"Chaos, by its very definition cannot be controlled. Once introduced, all order and intention is rendered useless. The outcome of chaos can never be predicted. The only certainty it brings is the devastation it leaves in its wake." - Emily Thorne
Hey guysssss! So sorry for the late update! Anyway what do you think of this chapter? I know this is a touchy subject and what Erin did to NOAH...WHATTTT! Is it Jay and Antonio or Misha behind that door! Let me know what you think! Comment down below if any improvements needs to be made! Thanks so much for reading!