Hello everyone and Happy Almost Halloween. Anyone else looking forward to it?
I currently have a giant, raw second degree burn on my hand from a cooking mishap while making a one pan Autumn chicken dinner and two burnt fingers from nearly hot gluing them together while making a witches house (One like the witch house made on the Creative Moms youtube channel) for a contest at work. Painful, but worth it to get my Halloweeny on!
So as greatly anticipated, this chapter will give you all what you've been waiting for...Sirius's costume.
If Someone Cared Enough
Chapter 130: Knowing Yourself
Despite their plan to get there early, the party was in full swing when Severus and the others arrived. Music and raucous laughter flitted out into the hall through the door every time it opened, light pouring out across the floor full of twisting, flickering shadows. The smell of roast chicken and cinnamon rolls made for an odd yet somehow appealing combination of scents.
Nesme shoved Davis forward into Slughorn's quarters, dragging Severus in by the hand, "Let the party begin!"
Severus allowed himself to be manhandled into the room, Lily trailing along behind him with Mary, both girls giggling at his surly, put upon expression.
Inside, the room was decorated in a manner similar to the previous year's party. Ornaments of orange, dark green, and black draped over every piece of furniture, floating jack-o-lanterns gleamed with magically lit candles and streamers hung a center point of the ceiling and fanned out low hanging to every corner of the room.
Tables clad in autumn red tablecloths sat laden with goodies, from glazed cider donuts to custard pies and everything in between. A band of magically floating instruments played by themselves in a corner, people gathered round them in revelry as they talked over each other.
A man carrying a tray of precariously filled glasses sauntered past them and Nesme managed to snag one.
"Mulled wine," she hummed in delight after a relishing gulp, "Been a while since I've had this."
"Do you drink a lot at home?" Severus queried, genuinely surprised.
Nesme nodded like it was the most understandable thing in the world, "Mum and Dad thought it safest to test how much of a lightweight I may be at home so that I know my limits if a guy tries to get me drunk. Turns out I can hold my liquor well." She chuckled, "Now dad's worried about the poor blokes that might try to go shot for shot with me."
Severus spied a trio of goblins sitting by a plate of pork liver pudding spread and headcheese; Slughorn had gone all out this year in accommodating his guests' specific tastes. One goblin met Severus's eyes and nodded in greeting, Severus recognizing him as the goblin Simone chattered with at last year's party. Going by his acknowledgement of Severus, he was one of Simone's allies, keeping her and Thea safely hidden from the ministry.
"Oh, there's the vampires," Nesme said conspiratorially. She pointed to a group of tall, gaunt looking men and one woman, all pale and pallid with hair dark as night. The woman's lips were so red that with her black hair and white skin she would put Snow White to shame. Her eyes held no warmth though, only dull boredom as she surveyed room from her seat.
"Told you that girls would be all over them," Nesme said.
It was true, dozens of teenage girls seemed to flock to the sullen group, paying no mind to the vampires' disinterest as they giggled and stared. Several boys were among the crowd too, eyes wide in fascination eerily similar to how men behaved around veela. It was no surprise; vampires had nearly as hypnotically magnetic a quality to them as the white-gold haired women.
"Don't gawk," Davis chided Nesme, steering her away from the bunch, "I'm sure they hardly appreciate being some sort of side show to a bunch of hormonal idiots."
"If Simone were here she'd probably read those kids the riot act for staring," Mary noted, adjusting the bodice she'd paired with her Morticia dress. How she managed not to trip on the spidery hem that fanned out onto the floor was a mystery.
Lily nodded, "I'm surprised Slughorn isn't aware of how gimmicky it comes off to invite other races here when most wizards are just going to stare at them like they're animals at the zoo."
"Slughorn is all about whatever makes him the toast of the town," Severus stated, "I doubt he truly considers how self-serving it is to invite his friends here just to show them off for the attention they garner him."
"At least he had the foresight to invite a friend," Davis said, nodding towards a young wizarding gent with wild dark hair, "That's Eldred Worple. I hear he's been living with a vampire clan in order to write a book. They listen to him from what I understand so he should keep the peace between them and these walking buffets," he gestured to the giggling girls unaware of how dangerous the objects of their affections were. Most humans were essentially just dinner to vampires.
Sure enough, the tallest and youngest looking vampire had his eye on a particularly pretty and rosy-cheeked girl. Despite her breasts practically spilling out of her bodice, anyone with a brain could tell that from the vampire's gazed fixed rigidly on her exposed column of throat that his lust was not of a carnal nature.
Noticing his companion's wandering gaze, Eldred discreetly shoved a vial of red liquid into the vamp's hand and whispered a few hasty words to him, the pair rejoining their group and turning their backs to the girl.
"Remind me not to leave you alone with that one," Severus muttered to Lily.
The group made their way over to the snack table, picking out some light accoutrements so as not to fill up before dinner was served.
"He's got quite the spread this year," Mary observed, using one of her fake nails to stab a cheese cube.
"Please telling you are going to be doing that all evening," Severus commented on her nails with amusement.
Mary used a different finger to skewer a cocktail weenie, "Of course. It is after all finger food."
Lily giggled, fitting a pickle spear onto one of Mary's other nails, the girl slowly sporting a handful of impaled appetizers, "Who needs toothpicks when you have Mary."
"Wisely put," Mary said, using her last free finger on her left hand to stab a cube of Montego cheese and pointing it at Lily, "Say 'ah'."
Lily allowed Mary to pop the cheese cube into her mouth with a laugh.
"I sincerely hope your hands are clean," Severus murmured, rolling his eyes at the girls' antics with bemusement.
Lily and Mary each responded by prodding Severus's lips with pickle spears until he bit the things in half, much to the girls' amusement.
Nesme busied herself with sampling the wines on a nearby table while coaxing Davis to do a tasting with her.
"Note the subtle tang of this one," she instructed, swirling her glass while studying Davis, "That's the Valencia orange. They put just a hint of it in there. Nice right?"
Davis grimaced at the initial flavor—not much of an alcohol fan. After a moment, he nodded as his tongue grew acquired to the taste.
"It's less bitter than the others," he noted, "Still prefer the cider."
"You do not have a refined taste," Nesme teased.
The group carried on in that fashion for a while, moseying across the room and making small talk. Eventually they settled in some seats near the enchanted instruments, lounging with glasses of wine and mulled cider and snacks.
"Okay, I'll admit," Nesme conceded, eating some cocktail shrimp and at least two drinks past everyone else without the slightest sign of tipsiness, "Slughorn knows how to throw a party."
"Indeed he does," Severus agreed, smiling as Lily leaned against him happily.
"You still fixing to smear cheese somewhere to spite Sluggie?" Mary inquired of Nesme.
"Naturally," was Nesme's deadpanned answer.
At that moment, Slughorn made his way through the crowd, finally spotting them.
"Severus, my boy," he boomed jovially. He looked fit to bursting squeezed into a Sherlock Holmes inspired outfit, "And Lily. When did you arrive?"
"About half an hour ago, sir," Severus replied.
Slughorn's eyebrows shot up, "Why I completely missed your arrival. We have such a big turnout this year."
He nodded to Lily and Mary, "You two look lovely, my dears."
"Thank you," Mary and Lily chorused.
"And look at our distinguished gents," Slughorn said with praise, gesturing to Davis and Severus, "Welcome, welcome. Glad you all could come."
"We wouldn't miss it for the world, Professor," Lily said sweetly.
Slughorn beamed at her.
"Ms, Nesme," he greeted merrily, "Crossing a few gender lines, I see. What wonderful creativeness!"
Nesme grinned, all teeth, "I crossed the line and dragged Davis over it kicking and screaming."
"Were those cross dressing jokes?" Severus whispered to Lily, "Or puns?"
Slughorn chuckled joyfully when he saw Davis, "Splendid, splendid. Always fun to toe the line of the norms, am I right?"
Davis's face was a mess of scarlet flush, "That's one way to put it."
"You know, I nearly wore a corset myself," Slughorn revealed.
Severus and the others managed not to shudder at the visiual that sprang to mind.
"Oh?" Severus asked feigning insterest through his horror.
Slughorn nodded, "Unfortunately, I've amassed a bit of muscle over the years," he laughed, patting his big stomach that was assuredly not muscle.
"Corsets were actually quite common for men of the Victorian period; worn under the clothes to make them look fitter," Slughorn said, turning his attention back to Davis.
Davis actually perked up at this, "Really?"
"Why yes, my boy," Slughorn replied, "No fashion has ever been definitive when it comes to gender. Men used to wear tights, pink used to be considered a boys color! Everything changes and comes back around again. Women wear pants now, don't they?"
"And plenty of wizards don't," Severus pointed out with a wry grin.
Slughorn nodded excitedly, "Exactly! It's all subjective. Have some fun, push some boundaries"
"Speaking of pushing boundaries," Mary said, her eyes going wide as she stared across the room, "Look who just walked in…"
Severus followed her gaze and found himself choking on his drink. As Lily thumped him on the back, Severus tried not to dribble wine all over his front while staring dumbstruck at Sirius Black.
Of course, it was to be expected that Black would make a spectacle of himself, that was a given. What no one took into consideration was just how far Sirius would push the envelope of absurdity.
Severus made it clear in the days leading up to the dance that he was almost certain Sirius would show up in drag. To be fair…he was partially correct.
Sirius's entire left side of his body was in drag, from a satin gown of reds and blacks of many ruffles and impressively done make-up. He even sported half of a braided bun up-do and part of a bejeweled necklace draped across his collarbone. A tiny, black rose embellished top hat with black web netting hung over the left side of his face, veiling his elongated eyelashes and smoky eyeshadow. In the right lighting, he looked eerily similar to Bellatrix or Andromeda.
The right side of Sirius's body was the total opposite. In a black waistcoat with tails and tight trousers, complete with a monocle no less, he looked sort of like Edgar Allen Poe trying to go as a Victorian-style impression of the Monopoly Man. Wielding a black cherry wood cane bedecked with the carving of a raven's head, Sirius clasped it with a hand sporting a large ring of a skull with little ruby eyes. He let his normal hair on that side hang down in its usual roguish style of unkempt waviness.
A smirk stretch his lips, half of which bore a fine coating of blood red lipstick.
"Marvelous!" Slughorn boomed, "Simply marvelous. What a fine way to get into the spirit, Mr. Black."
"Oh dear Lord," Severus groaned out in exasperation.
Sirius waggled his eyebrows, as he swaggered over with James and a conservatively dressed Remus, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful."
"I hate you because you're an imbecile," Severus quipped blandly, "Your looks have little do with my contempt."
James snickered, getting nudged in the gut by Sirius.
"Just wait until you hear his reasoning for this getup," Remus said with a bemused chuckle.
Sirius waved emphatically as if the explanation were simple and obvious, "Well, I'm Remus's date, so of course I need to look handsome for him. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I couldn't be bothered to gussy up so he can show me off?"
"Naturally," Severus said sarcastically.
"Naturally," Sirius echoed, though genuinely.
"Aren't you worried about people finding out you two are a couple?" Davis asked.
Sirius scoffed, "The worst that could happen is someone tells my parents and what are they going to do? Disown me twice?"
James laughed while the others conceded to the point; Sirius already was an outcast to pureblood society.
"Anyway," Sirius plowed on, "While I'm going with Remus, it's a right shame that our head boy here should go stag—despite the excellent pun that makes." He slapped James in the chest, "So of course he needed some eye candy on his arm. What better solution than this?"
"An actual girl," Nesme suggested.
Sirius rolled his eyes, "Pfft, they're not nearly as fun as me. I don't nag nearly as much as most harpies anyway."
"No, but you do spend twice as much time as any girl fixing your hair," Remus observed teasingly.
Sirius smacked Remus with his folded up lace fan, "Perfection takes time. Besides, James is honored to have as good looking a date as me. Right, Prongs?"
James rolled his eyes, "Whatever you say, Sirius."
"I'm surprised you came…stag, James," Mary admitted, glaring at Sirius as he chuckled about the repetitive pun, "I would have thought you'd have a whole slew of girls to pick out of that fan club of yours."
James scratched his head, laughing awkwardly, "Yeah…well, apparently they're none too comfortable with crossing Jess and since she's still miffed about last year…"
"James's admirers are too scared of his ex to make a move," Remus finished, his voice laced with disapproval, "I told you nothing good would come from leading Jess on, James."
Slughorn chortle, totally in the dark about the fake dating fiasco, "Oh Mr. Potter, you heartbreaker, you."
"That's one way to put it," Severus commented.
"Oh come on," James defended, "I was still a good boyfriend. I was attentive, affectionate, and I even bought her stuff and took her on fantastic dates. I was very romantic; any girl would be happy to have that…right, Evans." He looked at Lily somewhat shyly.
Lily for her part tried not to fix James with too stern a stare; he seemed to push harder when she pushed him away, "I think most girls would prefer honesty most of all, James. Rather than a farce."
James looked a tad crestfallen, "Well I can be true…with the right person, of course."
Mercifully Slughorn broke up the awkwardness with a rather loud and abrupt hiccup.
"My word," he said, half mortified, half amused, "I might have had too much wine. I better get some food in my stomach; soak it all up and what not. I say, where is that cheese platter?"
He wandered off towards the snack table, spilling some of his glass of wine on the carpet as he tottered away.
Nesme watched him go with a huff, "At this rate, he might end up messing up his quarters better than I could."
"What's this about messing things up?" Sirius asked his eyes alight with interest.
Nesme waved him off, "Just a vengeance cheesing. Not your style."
"Speaking of style, I'll admit, you do look good, Sirius," Lily conceded.
"Yeah, as long as we close an eye and only look at you one side at a time," Mary added, "The whole picture together is rather bizarre."
"But the dress side is very well done," Lily went on, gently grasping Sirius's chin and turning it from one side to the other, "Especially the make-up. I've never seen contouring so fine. Where did you learn such a thing?"
Sirius shrugged, "Guys like to act all manly and junk, but the truth is I think most purebloods are raised with some knowledge of makeup. Have to have a good complexion and all that garbage, yada, yada. Appearances are important in social circles. I'm pretty sure Lucius came to school with an entire vanity set."
Davis actually looked somewhat interested in the conversation, "Really?"
Sirius nodded, "I mean, they don't go crazy with it like this; there's still some level of divide between guys and girls in the make-up area. But for the most part, every pureblood has to know their way around foundation or blush."
Davis nodded along, his formally interested expression no longer looking quite as hopeful, "Yeah…I suppose it would be weird to wear lipstick as a guy…"
"Yeah, well I pull it off," Sirius said proudly and flippantly, not seeming to pick up on the tone.
"You look great," Nesme praised, changing the subject, "All of you. Very creative."
"She's right," Remus agreed, "Davis, Severus, you two look like you walked straight out of a Vincent Price movie."
Davis's eyes lit up in recognition and flattery at the compliment.
"I've seen one of those," he exclaimed, "They're those muggle horror films, right? With the guy with that creepy, menacing voice?"
"Technically Vincent is a wizard masquerading as a muggle in their film industry," Severus pointed out, "But yes."
"Remus is right, though," James chimed in, "You guys both actually pull that off rather well. Of course, Snape was always skinny, so no surprise he'd fit in a corset."
Severus decided to take the unintentional-backhanded compliment, "Thank you, James."
"I still look better, though," Sirius declared, smoothing his hands down his front.
"The fake breast is extremely disconcerting," Severus noted dryly.
Sirius stuck his tongue out, "You'd date me if I was a woman."
"If you were a woman, your personality would still be garbage," Severus remarked, "So no."
A cut off snort of a laugh made them all jump; it hadn't come from any of them.
"Who the hell was that?" Mary asked warily.
"It's me!" Something wooshed through the air, like a sheet and suddenly Marlene's grinning face peered out at them, hovering in the middle of the air.
"McKinnon?" Severus gaped, "But…how?"
"James snuck us in," Peter revealed, his head popping out of thin air as well.
Severus rolled his eyes, "Of course, the bloody invisibility cloak."
He gave Lily a knowing glance; perhaps they could nick it before the night was over.
"How did you get in though, Marlene?" Mary asked, "You're not a student here anymore and you weren't invited to the party."
James intervened before Peter could reply, "Now, now, MacDonald, the Marauders have to keep some secrets."
Mary rolled her eyes, "Whatever."
"We've planned on coming out once Slughorn was too drunk to notice we weren't on the guest list," Marlene explained as she shrugged off the cloak, revealing a simple Victorian dress with ample cleavage, "but he looks three sheets to the wind already."
She gave her friends a hug, glad to be reunited for the evening.
Peter folded up the cloak over one arm, the stout young man in a waistcoat and vest with a gothic cravat, "Anyone know when dinner is?"
{page break}
The evening carried on with much frivolity, guest mingling and chattering amongst themselves with only a short break for dinner. After a delicious meal of roast duck and venison, the crowd dispersed back to all corners of the room, engaging in various conversations and party games.
It was how Severus found himself and Lily stuck listening to another one of Slughorn's boastful stories of his travels, the rotund man having sought them out yet again. Thankfully they had Davis and Nesme to share in their misery, though Nesme looked genuinely interested in hearing about the places Slughorn had seen in his youth.
"Really, Thailand is truly a beautiful place," Slughorn yammered on, "A gorgeous island, honestly. I never wanted to leave. Good food, good people, such a rich, vibrant culture."
"And Malee," Slughorn sighed dreamily, "my guide. The most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. So kind, so clever. And a fantastic cook to boot."
Several people giggled.
"Oh, I was a fool to let her go," Slughorn reminisced forlornly, "but I was young, and unwise. I thought I needed to see the world, sow my wild oats, if you will."
"Perhaps not the most appropriate conversation to have around your students, Horace," one of his older guest advised.
Slughorn seemed not to have heard.
"Don't make the same mistakes I did, boys," he warned the youth crowded around him, "When you find a gem, keep her close."
His eyes alighted on the couples among them, Severus thankful Slughorn did not notice him and Lily.
Nesme and Davis, however, were not so fortunate.
"You hold onto her, my boy," Slughorn advised, "Cherish what you have together."
Davis blanched while Nesme nearly dropped the mini quiche in her hand.
"S-sir…" Davis sputtered, alarmed.
"I mean it," Slughorn insisted, "Take it from an old man, you never know what you've lost until it's gone."
"Ain't that the truth," an older gentleman chimed in. Several people echoed their agreement.
Davis's face was growing red, "Sir…we aren't a couple."
"Nonsense," Slughorn said dismissively, well onto his sixth glass of wine, "I've seen you two in school. Attached at the hip, you are. Closer than two peas in a pod."
"But we're not together," Davis refuted.
"Oh don't deny it, mate," Someone in the crowd called out, "We've all seen how close you two are."
Davis was clearly getting frustrated, "Because we're friends."
"Really, we're not like that," Nesme added.
"Why are you getting so upset?" A pimply faced seventh year asked obnoxiously, "We're saying good for you."
"Well it's unnecessary," Nesme defended, "Because we aren't dating."
Severus saw now as good a time as any to intervene, "Perhaps a change of subject would be in order—"
"Have you two done it yet?" a boy asked suddenly.
Nesme puffed up like an offend bird, "Excuse you!"
"Professor, do something," Lily demanded, offended on her friends' behalf.
Slughorn however seemed too far gone on his wine to truly grasp the inappropriateness of the conversation, instead laughing to himself and completely zoned out.
Davis was rapidly turning the color of a tomato, "What is wrong with you people?"
"What? Are you a virgin or something?" someone questioned tauntingly.
That comment seemed to set off something inside Davis, the color draining from his face as he stammered, "I…"
"That must be it," someone else said, "He's all stuck up because he and she aren't getting nowhere."
"Davis," Nesme said worriedly, placing a hand on Davis's arm. The boy knocked it away, beginning to hyperventilate.
"Everyone back off," Severus commanded, standing up to look down on the gathered crowd, "Just because it's a party does not mean I can't write you all up for inappropriateness conducted on school grounds. That includes you, Lacthkey; don't think Professor Sprout won't hear about how rude you're being."
The boy who'd first posed the question of Davis's virginity shrank down in his seat.
Severus looked down at his friend, "You alright, Davis?"
"I…" Davis looked around him helplessly, his face growing hot, "I…I need to go," he took off into the crowd as quickly as possible.
"Davis!" Nesme called out in dismay.
"I'll go," Severus offered, "You and Lily go find some better company than this lousy lot."
He gave Lily's hand a squeeze before disappearing into the crowd.
It took a while to actually find Davis, the Ravenclaw hiding in the corridor behind a curtain. He stared out the window at the sky, arms wrapped tight around himself.
"Davis?" Severus tried cautiously, slipping behind the curtain to see his friend, "You alright?"
Davis didn't answer, eyes fixed on the waning moon illuminating the lake.
"Davis?"
"I'm fine," Davis said eventually, "Just needed some air."
"Listen, I'm sorry that happened," Severus apologized, though they both knew he wasn't the one owing one to Davis, "Slughorn and those boys shouldn't have pried. It's none of their business."
Davis sniffed, "You're right. It isn't."
They stood in silence for a bit, Severus unsure where to go from here whereas Davis seemed like he wanted nothing more than to just throw himself from the astronomy tower.
"You know," Severus began after a moment, "There's nothing wrong with being a virgin. Really, it's wasted if it isn't with someone you love—in my opinion at least. I suppose some guys see it as a big deal, but I bet half of them are virgins too and—"
"Being a virgin isn't the problem," Davis blurted out, cutting Severus off.
Severus blinked, startled.
Davis sighed, "I don't care that I'm a virgin, Severus."
"Oh?" Severus questioned, confused, "Then…why'd you take off?"
"I don't care that I haven't had sex," Davis clarified, "But them being so obsessed with it is the problem."
"How so?" Severus asked.
"It's—it's complicated," Davis said lamely, looking away, "I'm not sure I really get it myself."
Severus didn't say anything, waiting patiently.
Finally, Davis sighed, "It's…would it be weird if I said that I don't care if I never have sex? Like…with anyone?"
Severus raised a brow, not sure he was following this right, "Are you saying…what are you saying?'
"I'm saying," Davis waved his hands uselessly, "Not…everyone cares about…sex. At least I don't."
Davis sighed again, "It's like, you know how you started to notice girls and started to get dirty dreams, have all these urges and desires and stuff?"
Severus nodded, still not sure where the conversation was going.
"Well…I never have," Davis stated, "I mean, I've gotten aroused, sure. Our parts seem to have a mind of their own, right?" he laughed mirthlessly, "But I…I never wanted something from someone else. Like, I don't have any interest in it."
"If someone said tomorrow," Davis tried explaining, "that I'd never have sex so long as I shall live, I'd be like, 'Whatever; I'm much happy with my own hand anyway.' It honestly…I don't feel the slightest bit of desire to be with someone else. Ever."
Severus took in his friend, standing there fiddling their fingers nervously.
"None whatsoever?" he clarified.
Davis shook his head, "None at all. Don't get me wrong. It's not like I don't find people attractive. It's just…a distant attraction. Like, in a 'you're gorgeous but don't try and ask me to do anything to you' sort of way. I just...I'm not interested."
He shuffled from one foot to the other, "Is that weird?"
Severus searched for the right words, still trying to process things, "At it's core, I suppose not. I mean, when you think about it, other intelligent beings don't have much a sex drive. Vampires mainly have no desire for sex because they typically reproduce by turning a human into a vampire. So I guess sex isn't an absolute for anybody."
"Yeah but even you can't picture yourself without it," Davis pointed out, "I'm right, aren't I? You and Lily both desire it, both crave it. I'm saying I don't, that of all the humans out there, I have never and will never want sex. I'm the odd one out."
"Maybe you're not," Severus suggested, "Surely you can't be the only person who feels this way."
"Yeah but how many of them can say they don't love either?" Davis challenged.
Severus paused, "Don't love?"
Davis looked away once more, out over the grounds of the school, "I love people like friends, like family…but if I'm being honest, romantic love…it seems almost silly to me. Sure, I'm happy for others who find happiness in it but…I just don't dream of that perfect life with the dream wedding and the wife and kids. I might want to be a father someday, but someone's spouse?" he shook his head, "Not really for me."
"So you see where the problem is?" Davis asked unhappily, "What kind of person doesn't want sex or love? Put the two together and I'm this weirdo! Nesme isn't interested in sex much either, but even she's capable of love. She dreams of the picket fence with the perfect guy and three kids and a dog. I don't want any of those things…I'm not normal."
"Normal isn't really something you find in our world," Severus pointed out, giving his friend a sad look, "I didn't realize you were struggling with something like this."
"Well I am," Davis said sullenly.
"And the whole thing with the stairs in Gryffindor tower?" Severus inquired.
Davis averted his eyes, "I had completely forgotten that boys can't usually walk on the girl's stairs. The ones in Ravenclaw have let me up since I got here. My dormmates just stopped questioning it. Hogwarts never has rejected me from anywhere in it based on being a boy."
"I'm…it's like there's this line," Davis said, gesturing with his hands, "A line people categorize each other by. Boys on one side, girls on the other. And then there's me…and I've never felt totally like I wanted to be on either side..."
"I don't feel like me if I'm being boxed in," Davis confessed, "There's too many rules, too many standards and lines I'm supposed to stay inside of. And I've never felt like I was supposed to be in any one box…is this making any sense?"
"I…sort of?" Severus offered with a shrug, "There have been people sort of like that before, right? Those people at Stonewall?"
Davis nodded, "Yeah, but they still seem more concrete than me. They're definitely in one box, just a box different than the one others first put them in. But me…there's no box, there's no set definition. I'm in between. I'm sexless, loveless, and apparently identity…less. So what am I?"
Davis hugged himself at the end of his rant.
Severus was silent, well and truly at a loss. It was fair to say that in recent months he'd been rather out of his depth with a great deal of matters he'd been forced to reckon with, the horcrux and hallow matters in particular. Adding to that the turbulence of navigating a relationship when he once thought he'd spend his life alone and he was overwhelmingly running blind on how to handle things—though he'd been doing well so far.
But this, this was a matter so completely out of his element. Sexuality hadn't been discussed in his family; the concept of men and women together presented through example as an inevitability of growing up, one that was met with anything too feminine being beaten down by his father with accusations of being soft. He had early awareness of homosexuality, but it had been poorly represented by contemptible whispers of what junkies were servicing other men in exchange for drugs. It wasn't till he was older that he even realized homosexual relationships could be just as stable and loving as most heterosexual relationships were.
As it was, it took meeting Lily's parents to find out that men and women could be in a healthy, happy marriage instead of the broken shambles of couples he witnessed in Spinners End, only together out of obligation or because they could find no one else.
While it looked from the outside that he had readily accepted Sirius and Remus as a couple, in secret he had accepted but still struggled to understand how such a relationship worked. Stuck in archaic values of the 'man' and 'woman' roles of a relationship, a part of him had questioned how the dynamic would work.
It took a reminder from Petunia to grasp that such a concept was inherently sexist and unrealistic since he and Lily weren't regulated to such roles in their relationship; who called the shots and when was never based on gender when it came to them. So it was with a bit of pondering and reflection that Severus started to see how Remus and Sirius balanced each other out.
Yet now he was faced with a whole new variable in his knowledge of people, of sexuality. Davis felt nothing for the fairer sex, nor for his own gender…Davis might not even recognize boys as 'his' gender, something that was adding to Severus's confusion. Push for gay rights had opened many people's eyes up to the existence of those who identified outside of their physical gender, but to somehow identify as possibly both and neither? Was that a thing? And where did a lack of desire or absence of sexuality fit in to all that?
Severus looked at Davis, the other so small and pulled into himself—did 'him' even apply anymore? Was Severus a prat for thinking 'he's and 'him's in his head?
Davis came to him as a friend, confided in Severus something that neither of them understood but that Davis so badly wanted to voice, if only just once in life. How many people would understand? Would there ever be another opportunity for Davis to speak the truth of who he thought he was?
Perhaps this was something Severus would never wrap his head around; maybe he'd never fully understand. But…being confused was still better than losing one of the closest friends Severus had. They interacted minimally at best among their shared group, but Davis was still truer, more loyal than any of the boys Severus had put trust in in Slytherin. There hadn't been a decent reason for Davis to reach out to Severus at the end of fifth year; Severus had still just been a slimy git with a bad reputation than. Yet Davis gave him a chance.
"Well…" Severus said slowly after some time, "You're my friend."
Davis sniffled, turning slightly towards Severus.
Severus pushed on, "And a good friend at that. How about…we start there and I just hex the pants off of anyone who's got something to say about it?"
Davis choked back a laugh, eyes watering, "You think that will help?"
"Maybe not," Severus conceded, "But it would make us both feel better, right?"
Davis laughed that time.
"Your mascara's running," Severus noted, smiling slightly at the inky rivets trailing down Davis's face.
Davis cursed, still chuckling as Severus ineffectually dabbed at the drippy makeup.
"So what changes here?" Severus inquired curiously, "Are you a Davis? A Danielle? Do you want to be called 'she'?"
"I'm fine with 'he', I guess," Davis replied, rubbing at his eyes, "I'm not sure what else one can be called besides the two."
Severus patted Davis on the back, "We'll figure something out."
"Sev?" Lily called, wandering out into the hall with concern in her eyes. Nesme was not far behind.
"Is everything alright?" Lily asked.
"Everything's fine," Severus said, "Davis was just feeling a bit out of sorts because of judgmental assholes."
Lily's warm, sympathetic gaze went to Davis, "Are you sure you're okay?"
Davis nodded, wiping at his eyes again, "Yeah…just needed a minute."
"Those jerks need to mind their own business," Nesme hissed angrily, practically spitting fire, "I kicked Latchkey in the crotch. Had to make a quick getaway before his buddies caught up with me."
"And I might have…spilt my wine on one guy's lap," Lily added, looking rather pleased with herself, "Accidentally, of course."
Severus gave Lily an approving nod, "Of course."
"Oh, and Sirius's fake tit popped up," Nesme added gleefully, "Now he won't put it away."
"That I've got to see," Davis said.
Severus groaned, "I really don't want to see Sirius with breasts. I don't need that burned into my retinas."
Despite his protests, he was dragged back into the party.
Sparing a glance at Davis's now lighter, happier face, he knew that things were going to be okay.
I told you that Sirius would dress to impress, didn't I.
So, like I said last week, this faucet of Davis's character was something I came up with long ago. For those still a little lost (perhaps because English is your second language so the conversation isn't translating well), Davis is Asexual and Aromantic, as well as Non-binary, which kudos to the reviewers who picked up on that quickly. As stated in the previous chapter, Davis being non-binary came out of nowhere as they were being developed. I didn't get a say in it, it was all them. The aro/ace bit was long decided because in all honesty, I wanted some representation in this story for my own sexuality as a proud aro/ace.
For those not familiar with the term, aromantic is the lack of interest or desire for romantic relationships. It took me years to figure that out about myself, much longer than I figured out I was asexual. When I first realized I was ace, I had felt like a freak and tried to comfort myself with the knowledge that asexual people can have romantic relationships and for a long time I told myself I could still be sort of 'normal'. It was scary and upsetting when I finally started to piece together that I didn't WANT a romantic relationship. Ever. I kept telling myself that I needed to marry and have kids as is expected of most people, especially women, trying to push myself to commit so as to at least grant my family's wish to see me as a bride. But eventually, I had to accept that those weren't things I wanted and that pursuing them to make others happy or meet expectations would hurt me in the long run.
It was a comfort when I found others online who were also both ace and aro; that it was actually more common than I thought.
My mom has been a great support to me and very accepting, so it sucks to know I agonized to myself for so long about telling her when she would have supported me all along if I had just fond the courage to speak up.
So yeah, Davis is my catharsis. Sorry for the long, soul searchy rant.
The next chapter (which will be posted on Thursday rather than Sunday for Halloween) will go into a little discussion among the gang about understanding Davis. Keep in mind this is a period of time where we were just starting to gain momentum (slow...staggering momentum) for homosexual rights, but the rest of the LGBTQAI was still woeful in the shadows when it came to society's awareness and understanding. So the way the group comes to terms with things might be a bit clunky and awkward because they are going to love and support Davis no matter what, but don't quite know how to go about it and have to throw out some ideas.
Review please :)