Torn

Matthew reflects on his feelings for Mary and Lavinia.

April 1919

Matthew was torn between two women, both of whom he loved and cared for. It's a nearly impossible situation for a man to make sense of, so what was he supposed to do about it?

Mary was still in love with him. Before the war, their relationship had been left in ruins. Both of their hearts had been broken. But they had mended things since then, and they knew where they stood-as friends, as family. Mary had refused to leave Matthew's side after his injury, drawing them closer than they had been in years. Feelings from the past began to resurface.

When Lavinia selflessly came back to Matthew, his feelings were once again uncertain. He was forced to repress all of what he felt for Mary, but Matthew was also reminded of why he loved Lavinia in the first place. She was his angel, sent by God himself to save him.

Then Matthew started to feel a tingling in his legs, and was able to stand and walk again. He started to think of the future, and the possibility of living a normal life. He hadn't had such hope since before the war. The more he thought about it, Matthew could imagine being relatively happy with Lavina. But not as happy as he would have been with Mary.

"Marriage is a long business. There's no getting out of it for our kind of people. Now you may live forty, fifty years with one of these women. Just make sure you have selected the right one," Cousin Violet had told him.

Was he making the right choice by marrying Lavinia?

Of course he was. Matthew always tried to be a man of honor. And in this case, marrying Lavinia was the honorable thing to do. He had been pledged to her for over two years, and it was his duty as her fiancee to remain faithful to her. Matthew had to marry her. He couldn't just throw her over, no matter how much he may want to. She came back to him thinking she would spend the rest of her days caring for him. And Lavinia would gladly have done it, because that's how much she loved him. Matthew felt like he didn't deserve her.

But at the same time, he wanted Mary desperately. He hadn't wanted anything more in the seven years he had been at Downton than to be with her. During the war, all hope of them ending up together was lost. Now it felt as though things had changed. That spark, that bond between them was stronger than it was before.

But then the harsh reality of Mary's own engagement hit him. Sir Richard Carlisle. Matthew utterly despised that man, as well as the idea of Mary marrying him. Matthew couldn't understand why she stayed with Carlisle, as he often saw Mary's unhappiness while in his company. She sometimes even looked afraid of him. Fear was not an emotion Matthew knew Lady Mary Crawley to express often. He's got something on her, something she doesn't want to get out in the papers. That's the only explanation Matthew found to be plausible.

Matthew wished she would just brave whatever storm Carlisle would create if she ended their engagement. Mary was strong enough, and she wouldn't have to face it alone. He would stand by her, no matter what. Mary's happiness, regardless of whether she was with him or not, was Matthew's only concern.

Finally, he knew what to do.

Mary deserved to know how he felt before he married Lavinia, so he should tell her.

A/N: I apologize for the wait. I had an extremely busy week, but things are starting to slow down so I'll be able to write more!

This story was inspired by a suggestion from AmeriGirlTN (thank you!). I know Mr. Fellowes wanted to make Matthew this honorable man who could do no wrong, and I feel like he would have faced some internal conflict trying to decide the right thing to do in certain situations. I thought that period right after the war (S2 E6-7) would have been a time where Matthew would have experienced it.

Thanks to all who read/review/follow this story, it means so much to me! I hope you enjoyed this chapter :)

-NMB