Heylo!
Back with another chapter of the completely happy, nothing-ever-goes-wrong story 'Trip Down a Hill'. What fun escapades will our heroes get up to this week!?
Without further ado... It's sadness. Sadness is what they'll be getting up to this week.
Hey so, Trigger Warning, this chapter delves into some pretty heavy shit, including Suicidal thoughts, unhealthy relationships, and self-worth. If that kind of stuff gets to you, then you can find a short summary of the chapter below the ending notes section.
Chapter 57: Kind Manipulation
Naruto and the rest of Team 7, along with most of the other members of the Sasuke and Sakura Retrieval squad, stood silently in front of the Hokage's desk.
The only people absent were the sand trio, who were currently being escorted back to their village by Guy and his squad of Genin; Anko, who had, as she'd told Tsunade, taken on double the allotment of missions to make up for getting to go on this one, and left the village almost the moment she was fully rested; Dosu, who was stuck in the hospital while he recovered from his wounds, and…
Zabuza.
He spared another glance towards Haku, who still looked just as miserable as he had the entire last week. Luckily, he'd been able to convince granny to postpone their mission debriefing, in the hopes that he'd have cheered up some by the time it came around.
If anything, he'd gotten much, much worse, and time had carried on, uncaring to Haku's plight.
Tsunade herself seemed to be at a loss on how to properly address them as well. Her eyes constantly darted towards Haku whenever the boy wasn't looking, and she'd seemed on edge since the moment they'd walked in the room. Shizune had been trying to calm her down, slowly rubbing the woman's shoulders, but it seemed to be having no effect.
Just as he was thinking that, the woman turned and nodded to her retainer, who stepped away from Tsunade and bowed politely, before excusing herself to her normal position beside the desk.
"Well then…" The slug princess began, taking a deep breath, before looking up at and addressing them all. "Your mission was a success."
Even those words, as bland and inoffensive as Tsunade could make them, seemed to dampen Haku's mood. He balled his hands into fists and bit down on his bottom lip, trying to control himself.
"The loss of Zabuza Momochi is truly great, and we will be holding a memorial to honor him." Tsunade looked over at Haku, who, weakly, met the woman's eyes. "His funeral service will be held tomorrow. I assume you were already told of this?"
The boy nodded silently.
"He didn't leave a will, well, not in writing, but he told me when I prodded him to just give all his possessions to you." Tsunade seemed to remember the memory fondly, even if the mood held her down. "That makes the Executioner's blade your own, as well as the apartment the two of you shared. As a medal of his service, the rental fee will be waived. For good."
Naruto couldn't help but feel they shouldn't be in the room to hear this, but, well, they were ninja, it wasn't always an option to have full confidentiality.
"I understand." Haku finally uttered. "Thank you, Hokage."
"There's actually something else." The woman reached under her desk, and from out of it, she pulled three vests. "Here. Naruto, Sakura, and Haku. Congratulations, you're Chuunin of the Leaf."
It was a bit funny that only two or so weeks ago, he'd been gunning for this so badly that when Sasuke had received it and not he, he'd been briefly offended. Now, looking down at it, he felt a growing bile rise in his stomach.
This is what I was after? Naruto questioned. This is what being a ninja means?
He looked towards the rest of the group and saw similar expressions on all their faces. Sakura didn't look like she felt very confident either, and he had a feeling that was due to having weighed them down quite a bit through her curse marks rage. Still, the transformation, which she was still having a bit of trouble controlling, had come in handy multiple times both inside and outside the base. As had Haku, the boy had saved his life more times than he could remember, both from Deidara when the man had been about to drop explosions upon them, and from Tobi, as the man tried to grab him and force him into his eye.
In stark contrast to the two of them, he hadn't done a single thing.
He'd needed saving from practically every situation he'd gotten himself into, whether it was fighting that weird Pain with the rockets in his arms, or trying to run away with the rest of the group from the Akatsuki, time after time, they'd come to his rescue.
He'd weighed them down, over and over, and in the end, Zabuza had been forced to pay the price for his weakness. He gazed down at the ground, clenching his teeth together and feeling like he wanted to slam his fists into the cool tile beneath him.
Look at me, pitying myself. Naruto almost laughed.
…How pathetic.
/-/
The funeral was short, and for that, Sakura was grateful.
She'd never been good in high-emotion environments, a bit prone to crying, but she'd managed to hold herself back for the brief time she'd needed to. They'd been unable to recover Zabuza's body, and apparently, that significantly cut down on the length of the service.
Still, as she looked around, she couldn't help feeling an intense melancholy. There were very few people present, barring Haku, the rest of her team, Kiba and a few members of his close family, and Zaku and Kin. Dosu was a no-show, but, to be honest, that wasn't his fault, he was still in the hospital. Besides him, every member of their retrieval team who was present in the village, and in good enough shape to attend, had attended.
Ino and her father had come by as well, though even his crushes appearance did nothing to mask Haku's sadness, other than a cursory 'thanks' as the two entered and paid their respects.
"Couldn't find the body…" Ino muttered under her breath. "How horrible…"
Sakura nodded.
"The Akatsuki… they might've taken it."
Ino nodded, but otherwise ignored Sakura's statement. Her eyes narrowed slightly, given that this wasn't a new phenomenon. She'd noticed the girl's behavior a few days before when they'd first met up. She'd been short with all of them, but Sakura most of all. She was about to ask the girl what was going on, but before she could, Haku had spoken up.
"I'm glad it was small." Haku's voice rang out solemnly after the incense around the tomb had fully burnt out. "He would've hated a larger crowd, or people he wasn't all that close to coming." Sakura smiled at the boy's words but couldn't help the wave of sorrow that washed over as she noticed tears running down the teens face. "He… He really…"
Ino stepped over and hugged him close to her, allowing him to sob quietly into her shirt. The rest of the group stood around awkwardly, still unsure of how to deal with their current scenario. She'd not had the chance to go to the Third Hokage's funeral, being stuck in Root at the time, but she'd always wished she'd been able to go, to comfort Naruto in his time of grief.
She wished she'd been given any time to do anything at all for the last two or so months, really. It'd been the Chuunin Exams, traveling through the forest of death, training for the third test, and fighting Gaara in the woods. Then, she'd been taken by Root, hadn't even been given a chance for a break before she was thrust back in, having to try and master the Wood Style, before having to break out with Anko, and save the woman's life.
Then they'd had to break back in to try and fight Danzo, found him dead after being attacked by two Akatsuki, and she'd summarily fallen into a medically induced sleep for the next week. After that, immediately after she'd gotten back, she'd been kidnapped by those bastards from the Sound, experimented on, and turned into some wicked demon monster with hand-wings.
She breathed out a tired sigh just thinking about it.
She almost didn't want to think it, but it seemed like they'd be getting a chance to just relax for a while. She couldn't help hating herself for thinking that, when it came off the back of one of her friend's father dying.
Haku himself seemed to have recovered slightly, still holding onto Ino as the girl lightly rubbed the back of his head with her hand. After a few more minutes, during which their group only made idle, forced small talk, Haku finally broke away, and turned to address the rest of them.
"I… Thank you all, for coming, I mean it." Haku gave a watery smile. "I greatly appreciate it, and I know… He would've as well, even if he never would've admitted it."
That, at least, brought a smile to their faces. Zabuza has been a hardass to the end, but he'd had his own soft side, even if it was mostly reserved for the boy before them.
"I'm going to head on home." Haku announced after a few more seconds. "Really… thank you all. Thank you."
The boy bowed his head, and before Sakura could reach out, tell him he didn't have to make such a gesture before them, he was already wiping at his eyes and running away, back towards the apartment the two of them had shared.
Something felt horribly off, but she wasn't quite sure why.
The rest of them stuck around for a while, still caught in the mournful atmosphere. It was Kiba and his family who left first, waving goodbye to the rest of them as the young beast-master knelt down in front of Zabuza's grave once more, giving his final thanks before excusing himself. Zaku and Kin followed, saying they'd be heading to the hospital to talk to Dosu, and see how he was doing. Naruto and Sasuke took off next, resolving to go and get some much-needed rest.
She stuck around because Ino did.
"I… I'm going to go check on him." Ino finally spoke, kneeling down in front of Zabuza's grave and saying something under her breath that Sakura only barely caught. "I won't let anything happen to him, I promise."
Her eyes narrowed at that. It was a good sentiment, and she couldn't help but admire her friend for having it, but…
Something was wrong.
"Ino?" She asked, waiting for the girl to turn and look up at her to continue speaking. "Is something the matter?"
Ino brushed her off, walking out of the graveyard and towards the village, towards where Haku lived. It wasn't that far, a few blocks, at most. Still, she needed to know what was going on with Ino, first and foremost.
"Hey." She stopped the girl in place, holding her there with some of her newfound strength. "Talk to me."
"It's fine, Sakura." Ino turned back around, and Sakura got her first good look at the girl's face. She looked… terrible. "I'm just… just a bit tired, is all."
That wasn't it at all. If Sakura were being honest, she'd not even noticed the girl's less than stellar physical condition. She noticed, instead, the clipped way with which her best friend addressed her, the looks that hung for far less time than they normally would, and the shaking of her lip as she averted her gaze, even now.
Ino was angry with her. And seemed to have been for a while.
"What's the matter?"
"I said, I'm just a bit-"
"Ino." Her response was almost curt in it's shortness, but she needed the girl to listen to her. "Please."
Her best friend took a deep breath, seemingly trying to calm herself down.
"What's with this? You look like you haven't slept right in weeks. You're being short with me, you've barely spoken with me since we got back, and-"
"Since you got back, huh?"
The statement shocked her enough to stop her from speaking, and instead, she took a step back, effectively surrendering the stage to Ino.
They stood silently for a few seconds, looking down off of the hill they stood upon and out at the Leaf Village. It was the very cusp of dusk, meaning the sun was setting on the horizon, preparing to give way to the night. Still, the village was alive with people, all going about their days like nothing was amiss, knowing nothing of the hero who'd died just the other day, who'd been buried behind them without a body just an hour or two ago, and of the argument currently being had, just above them.
"Feels like you're always coming back." Her friend turned to her; eyes cold but filled with fire. "Feels like you're always off on some dangerous mission, being pulled this way and that, while I'm being left behind, stuck waiting up for you til' the crack of dawn, thinking, wondering if the last time we ever talked is going to end up being the last thing I get to say to you!"
Sakura took a step back, staggering slightly as the girl's words shot into her. Still, a second later, the contradictions in the girl's statement became obvious, and she rounded back on the girl, feeling a bit of anger course through her veins.
"Ino, you have to know, I didn't have a choice!" Sakura shouted, and if they weren't on their lonesome, she had no doubt they would've drawn the attention of everyone around them. "I was dragged into all of it! You think I wanted to go to Root, or to Orochimaru, or fight the Akatsuki!?"
"I know that!" Ino screamed back, and now she couldn't help noticing a few tears on her friends face. "I know you didn't have a choice, but…" It seemed the girl's real feelings were about to come out, no longer masked. "But when you assaulted Root, why wasn't I contacted? When they were assembling a team to go and rescue you all, why wasn't I brought in? And when a squadron was formed to go save you guys in the forest…"
She gritted her teeth together, before looking up into Sakura's face, tears running down her own.
"Why wasn't I even considered!?" Ino let loose her feelings, finally being honest with her. "The first time… when you guys attacked Root… that time I brushed off. It seemed a bit too high-level for me anyways, but… but then you went and got kidnapped. I don't blame you… of course I don't blame you, but… No one even bothered telling me for three whole fucking days, Sakura!"
"I mean… don't I matter!?" Ino shouted, walking over to her, and grabbing her arms, shaking her slightly with every word. "I'm a ninja too! I can fight, I'm not some weak, demure girl to get trampled over! So… so why does everyone keep leaving me behind!?"
Sakura felt like she wanted to respond, wanted to get a word in edgewise, but couldn't. Something in the girl's words, some part there she didn't understand, meshed with her.
Oh, right… Sakura realized a moment later. This is… how I used to feel about Naruto… and Sasuke…
She hadn't even really realized it, but somewhere along their crazy last couple of months, she'd been able to put her fears of Naruto and Sasuke leaving her behind to bed. They weren't gone, not completely, but they'd dissipated to such a degree that seeing Ino now, right in front of her, with the exact same issue was…
It was nauseating.
It was nauseating, because all she wanted to say in response to the girl was exactly what'd been said to her. 'We're not leaving you behind' or 'You're strong, we know that'. At the time, they'd sounded empty, like meaningless fluff the two had spouted to make her feel better about her weakness. Now, on the other end of the speech, she didn't have a clue what else the two could've said.
So instead, she stayed silent.
"I… I won't let Haku down." Ino looked up at her, drying her tears with the back of her sleeve. "I'm not going to abandon him, not like-" The girl cut herself off, which was good, because Sakura wasn't sure she would've been able to take what she was almost sure the girl was going to say. "Not after everything that's happened to him."
"And is that fair to you?" She asked without really meaning to, finding the words spilling from out of her mouth. "What do you want?"
"Does what I want matter?" The girl asked depressively, and at this point, Sakura was fairly sure the girl was just trying to hurt her feelings, in a bit of a vindictive way. "Because so far, it hasn't seemed to."
She clicked her teeth together.
"You'll regret saying that." She tried to end the argument before it could continue. "An hour from now, you'll regret this whole thing ever happened, so just apologize and we can-"
"Shut. Up." Ino turned around, baring her teeth with rage. "Think I'm an idiot? I…" The girl's anger faded slowly, gradually diminishing over the course of a few seconds. They were best friends, knew each other inside and out. It was hard for them to really stay mad at each other. "You've been kind of a dick lately, y'know?"
Sakura couldn't fault the girl for that, given that she had some idea where some of that new energy was coming from.
"Yes, well, forgive me for having an evil mad scientist turn me into some demon creature."
Ino breathed out a laugh, though it was quiet, barely existent at all.
"Hey…" It was Sakura's voice this time, just as low as her friend's had been. "We're still… we're still friends, right?"
Because despite her earlier notion that best friends couldn't stay mad at each other, if Ino had decided that they weren't any longer…
"Of course!" Ino spoke the words like they were obvious, and Sakura disguised a breath of relief into her elbow as a sneeze. "I don't want this to chance anything between us, I'm just…"
The girl sighed, walking a bit off the path, and sitting down on the side of a grassy hill. The wind played with her hair, and it practically glowed in the sunset. A moment later, Sakura took the girl's silent invitation, sitting right down beside her.
"I'm just mad." The girl sighed out. "All that… means something to me. And I know that might sound stupid to you, but… but I'm scared of being left behind. Of… of not being there when my friends are in danger, not being able to help them… having to know that they died not because I was there for their final moments, but because I was told about it, days after it happened. I'm scared of… of not being wanted… of not being needed."
The sun had almost fully set, casting an intense orange haze over everything on their hill. In stark contrast to them, however, the bottom of the village was already being cast into shadow, the houses closest to the cliff face obscured in darkness.
"Hey, c'mon." Sakura spoke, reaching over and lightly tapping her friends nose with one finger. "That wasn't stupid at all."
"W-what?" Ino turned towards her, looking confused.
"You said that was going to be stupid," Sakura smiled, using the words Anko had once said to her to make her feel validated. "Yet here you are, having a legitimate concern."
Ino open and closed her mouth, gaping at her like a fish. She wondered if she'd looked the same when Anko had said those very words to her, back during the Chuunin Exams.
"Y'know, I used to feel the exact same way." Sakura admitted to someone other than Anko for the first time. Well, that wasn't quite right, she'd told that one guy back during the assault on Danzo's base, but he'd been a dick about it, so she'd chosen to ignore him. "I kept worrying and fretting about Naruto and Sasuke surpassing me, but…"
"But what?" Ino responded annoyedly. "You got stronger, too. But we don't all get the option to unlock long-lost arts or have demonic strength-giving marks placed on our necks, Sakura."
"Yeah, but we can all train." Sakura fired back, and even to her, it sounded like a weak retort. She needed to back it up further. "Sure, I might have gotten those things to catch up to them, but the only things Sasuke and Naruto have ever had are the Sharingan and the Nine-Tails, and for Naruto, his carries draw-backs just as heavy as my curse mark. But still, they trained, and trained, and worked their asses off to get better. And look at you! You're of a prestigious ninja family, you have a hidden art! You can be just as good as any of them with a bit of work, can't you!?"
Ino looked down, lightly kicking a small weed with one of her feet. It swayed, but didn't give in, returning to the exact same position as it's stem bent back.
"Tough little bastard." Ino swore under her breath, looking back over towards Sakura as she lost interest in the thing. "Sure, whatever. I'll buy your little 'hard work is everything' speech. Honestly, though, did Lee put you up to that? Sounds like something he'd say."
She snorted.
"Can't say I came up with that one on my own." She remarked as she sat up. "My teacher gave me those lines."
"Ah. Well, let Ms. Anko know I thought they were lame as all hell."
"I'm not telling her that."
Ino smiled, but the expression deadened quickly over the next few seconds. Soon, she wore at best a frown, at worst, a depressive stare. She was silent as she stood up and began walking towards the village once more.
"I'm not changing my mind on this, Sakura." She turned back around, and Sakura could see the conviction in her eyes, even if she hated it. "I… I'm the only one who can… who can save him. Don't tell me you didn't see it, earlier."
Sakura had, if she were being honest with herself. Haku had excused himself just a bit too longingly, said his goodbye's just a bit too meaningfully. Everything out of the boy's mouth had sounded so…
Final.
"I saw it."
"Then… I'm going to do what I have to do." Ino told her once more, shooting her a weak smile. "Honestly, Haku's a good kid, but he can't hide his emotions for shit. I mean, I knew he was into me the first time he came into my shop, and he thinks he can hide this from us?"
Sakura wanted to laugh along with the girl, to try and find some humor in the situation, but she just couldn't. Haku was a sweetie, a terribly kind boy who'd been dealt one of the worst hands in existence. And yet, he'd received a single good thing in his life, one real connection…
And it'd been snatched away.
"I know it… I can be useful. I can be wanted, needed." Ino's face became momentarily clouded, but she shook those feelings away a second later. "I'll do what I have to. Because it's the right thing to do."
"And… is that fair to you?" Sakura stepped forward, her convictions wavering with her best friends happiness on the line.
"Repeating yourself now, Sakura?"
She was caught. She didn't have any way to stop her friend, and even then, it felt like it was wrong to stop Ino in the first place. What she was going to do… it was a good thing, in a way, but…
"No… you… do what you have to." Sakura spoke, walking forward and stepping past Ino.
She walked for a while, descending a set of stone steps that led to the base of the hill the cemetery resided on. When she made it to the bottom, she looked back up, seeing Ino around halfway down herself.
"But… if you ever feel like… it's too much," Sakura took a deep breath. "Please know you can rely on me, OK?"
Ino's response was a simple lean, falling forward as Sakura caught her. She didn't quite know what to say, even as her best friend reached around her back and hugged Sakura tightly.
"Of course."
/-/
Ino arrived at Haku's… well, Zabuza and Haku's apartment not too long after she'd finished talking with Sakura. She'd rushed there, but even so, on foot, it'd taken a good half hour.
"And… is that fair to you?"
She shrugged off her best friends wisdom. She knew what she was getting herself into. Knew what it was she was going to do.
You think too much of me, Sakura. She couldn't help but think to herself as she walked around to the side of the building, finding the stairway leading up. I'm not the goody-two-shoes you think I am.
She ascended the small flight of stairs to get to Haku's room, and while doing so, she couldn't help a bit of nervousness filling her, infecting even her walking as she nearly slipped on a step, barely grabbing onto the hold beside her and taking a shaky breath.
I'm fine.
I'm completely… completely fine.
She climbed the rest of the steps without incident and took the rest of the trip to Haku's room in stride. It was a rather short journey to put so much effort into, but still, she wanted to reach his room as quickly as she could.
She was quite worried.
She stepped up to the boy's room and, after briefly hesitating, knocked twice.
The door swung open on the second impact.
That struck her as odd, but didn't immediately cause her to panic. She stepped into the space quietly, not wanting to disturb Haku if he'd gone to sleep. Still, she wasn't quite sure how she felt about stepping into his space completely unannounced, and so she resolved to cry out quietly.
"Haku?" She called without any real volume behind it. "Are you there? It's Ino."
There was no response. She lingered in the doorway for a moment longer, before she sighed and let herself in. It was more than a little awkward, but still, she wouldn't excuse herself if something happened.
She walked cautiously to the hallway in the back of the room, which led to a set of two bedrooms. She knew not which was Haku's, for she'd never been there before, but she simply chose one at random, not having the time to knock. She turned the knob and pushed the door open.
Her eyes turned slowly tow–
"HAKU!"
Haku was atop his bed, his legs splayed out as he kneeled down. His head turned towards her, eyes bulging as the sweat that had gathered all over his face poured down. In his teeth was his shirt, which bad been pulled up to expose his chest. There was a small piece of paper next to him as well, folded up and creased rather neatly. That wasn't what had Ino so terrified, however.
No, that was the kunai in the boy's hands, held aloft in the air above him, threatening to plunge downwards at any moment.
She didn't stop to think, or to ask anything else. She charged forwards, running up to Haku and diving towards him. She tackled the boy off of his bed, sending them both careening to the floor. Luckily, in doing so, she'd knocked the knife out of his hand, sending it spiraling away across the wooden boards.
"I-Ino!?" The boy sounded appalled, looking up at her with an almost crazed expression. "What– What the hell are you doing here!?"
I was worried you'd be doing exactly this. Ino thought to herself, trying and failing to hold the boy still. I was worried you'd see no value in your own life, that you'd end it all to be with the one you loved once more.
And I was right!
She didn't say anything aloud, couldn't, really. It was more than she had available given that she was already fully exerting herself to hold the boy's arms from reaching over and retaking his blade. Even so, Haku broke free without much effort, kicking her off of him and sending her careening back, hitting her head hard on the floor as she landed.
She forced herself up, knowing she didn't have the time to sit and be in pain. She looked over, watching with no small degree of panic as Haku reached towards the kunai on the floor below him. His expression was conflicted, but Ino couldn't take the time to analyze all the little emotions playing across his face.
NO!
She brought her hands out, and formed the seal of her family's hidden art.
"Mind Transfer Jutsu!"
The telltale sound of the Jutsu's activation rang out around them, and Ino's body slumped forward onto the wood, hitting it's head once more. She knew she'd be feeling that later, but at that particular moment, she didn't much care.
She was inside Haku's mind now.
She took a second to allow herself to breath, well, she took a second to allow Haku to breath, because it seemed, in the minutes leading up to his attempted suicide, he hadn't much thought about the act at all.
"Ino!? What…"
She turned towards the sound of the voice. Well, it was hard to say turned, since she was really just existing inside the boy's head. It was more that she'd tuned into his voice.
"What the hell were you thinking!?"
It was perhaps a graceless way of going about this, and Ino knew that. Still, she couldn't quite manage to shelve her grief, her anger, or her sorrow at seeing one of her closest friends holding a knife above their head, ready to gouge out their own heart.
"Wha…"
"You… You're…"
She had no clue what to say. What was there to say? Haku had clearly, somewhere along the past week or so, decided his life without Zabuza by his side was meaningless. Obviously, by the boys pained goodbye's earlier in the day, his thanking them all for several minutes, this had not been a spur of the moment decision. He'd been thinking about this for a while, probably even before his and Team 7's meeting with the Hokage.
So how the hell was she supposed to talk him down. He knew this was wrong, he knew he shouldn't do this.
Did he? Did he really? Or did he truly think this was the only path left for him to take? If he did…
Then what was she supposed to do?
First… gather information. She fought to keep herself calm. A kunoichi's mission is ten times as difficult if she knows nothing going in.
"Haku… were you… really going to do it?"
Because technically, Haku could've been about to place the knife down beside him for all she knew. She'd reacted on instinct, charging, and tackling him to the floor, but he hadn't tried to kill himself in the scant seconds it'd taken her to react.
It painted a sad picture in her head. One she wasn't really sure she wanted to be gazing at.
She could sort of see Haku. It wasn't exactly a perfect portrait of him in her head, but it was… like an outline of him, made from energy. His was a cool, icy blue color, closer to white than anything else.
As of right now, it seemed… dead. Lifeless. She hesitated to make any blanket statements, but…
"What did it look like?" The boy murmured under his breath, his aura flashing slightly.
Once more, she was left reeling. His tone wasn't defiant, or sure of himself, confident in what he'd been about to do. She supposed, without saying anything, that people rarely were.
"What it looked like…" Ino took a second to collect herself, to gather all of her energy into her body. "What it looked like was that you were hurting, and scared, and terrified of what you were about to do!"
Haku didn't react. Didn't say a thing. If anything, he'd grown colder, slinking further back into his shell, hiding away from her.
She couldn't keep this up forever. Her ability with the Mind Transfer was at a Genin level, and while her father could practically hold one indefinitely, she could manage no more than fifteen minutes.
She'd already wasted five.
She was struggling trying to think up anything to keep the boy present, keep him in the here and now. She arrived at something after another minute or so spent deliberating, and her voice came out in a panicked gasp as she fired it off at him, hoping for a bullseye.
"What about your revenge!?" She questioned him, wanting to appeal to something, anything to keep the boy around. "That guy…" She struggled to remember the name Sakura had told her, the swordsman who'd taunted Haku with Zabuza's sword, and cursed herself once more for being too weak to have been brought along. "Kisame! What about him, how will you get your revenge if… you…"
She stopped speaking as she saw Haku's energy grow even dimmer. It was nearly black now, despite usually being a bright, icy blue.
"I've been asking myself since we got back… since my anger faded, and I was left with nothing but this… hollow hole in my chest…" Haku's voice rung out quietly, echoing in the vast expanse of his mindscape. "How the hell did Sasuke do it? How did he… subsist on revenge when he'd lost… everything?"
Ino started opening her mouth but closed it a second later.
Sasuke had found something to go on for. She wanted to say. He found Naruto, and Sakura, and me, and… a reason to keep living through us.
But she didn't. Because even she had been able to see the way Sasuke had carried himself back then. The raw, pained anguish in his face, the way he dedicated himself even further to his studies, how he'd fallen hopelessly into anger and rage so quickly, so effortlessly, that she'd almost forgotten he'd used to be a quiet introvert, sat at the front of the classroom, doing his best to get good grades and blend in.
He'd been… different. She had no doubt believing that if the boy hadn't met Naruto that day, he'd have been perfectly fine to have continued onwards, soldiering forward towards whatever bleak fate awaited him. Haku, on the other hand…
Seemed unable to do the same.
"I… I just can't do it, Ino." Haku muttered to her quietly. "You can call me weak, or… or pathetic all you want, but-"
"I'd never say that!" She stepped towards the approximation of him. "I can't say I know what it must be like, but… but I can imagine."
She could feel her mind transfer running out, could feel the power slipping through her fingers, and knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that she couldn't hold Haku down if he tried to redo his past attempt. If he tried to commit suicide again… she wouldn't be able to do anything in her current state.
She took a deep, shaky breath, and focused hard. She needed her next words to shake Haku, to shake him to the point where he'd have no choice but to face her. To want to talk with her. To not…
"Maybe… Maybe you're right, Haku." She watched as the boy's energy fluctuated harshly, and a blackness enveloped the figure before her. Her vision distorted wildly as her chakra dwindled. She had seconds. "Maybe… you can't go on, you really can't manage to live without him, maybe all of that's true… But y'know what?"
For what felt like the first time that entire conversation, Haku's eyes met her own.
"When I barged in here, and you were about to… to take your own life… you looked over at me. What I saw in your eyes… was panic, and surprise, sure… but that wasn't all."
She walked forward, finding the movement coming to her surprisingly easily, as she reached out and touched the Haku before her. A tiny bit of her golden aura leaked out onto him, and the color of his body became a paradoxically corrupted blue, marred by both black and gold.
"You were glad to see me, weren't you?"
Haku's aura pulsed, sending a wave of energy across his mind that pushed her back, tried to push her out of the depths of his psyche itself. Still, in that moment, she confirmed the theory that had hung at the back of her head this entire time. She pushed forward, not giving the boy a second to form a wall around himself, to deny her words.
"…Please, please Ino, I…"
"You were so lost and afraid, so terribly stricken with grief, that you couldn't even think about an alternative."
"Stop it…"
"But… through it all, you hoped you'd hear a knock on your door. You hoped someone would barge their way into your apartment, would come and find you in your room."
"Shut up… just… just shut up!"
"Because you wanted someone to come and stop you… right?"
Haku screamed in agony, and she was ejected from the boy's head without any further fanfare. She found herself in her own body but knew she couldn't focus on the pain in her skull. Instead, she forced herself up, and forward, crawling quickly across the wooden floorboards as she tackled the orphaned boy once more.
"You…" She spoke aloud now, no longer in the confines of Haku's head, and no longer needing to be.
"You wanted someone to come and save you, right?"
The boy's eyes fluttered open, and within them, she saw a story sadder than any she'd ever want to open. Still, she turned the first page, read through the book as best she could, until at last, she arrived at the ending. She put aside the story and leaned forward, until their foreheads touched awkwardly against one another.
"Please." She whispered to him as she placed her hands on his chest, holding herself slightly aloft. "I'll save you… so… so you can… need me, OK?"
'And… is that fair to you?'
She could hear Sakura's voice in her mind, playing almost endlessly on repeat. It had been for some time now, the naïve voice of her best friend, who saw Ino herself as some saint, willing to do all of this for Haku alone…
Haku's mouth hung open, and he stared up at her, completely shocked. In that moment, she could feel the weight of the boy's expectations, the heavy and unwieldy weight that threatened to crush her underneath, grow larger and larger. She felt she should've cowered under that weight, feared it, but instead, she relished in it, let it fill her with a warm glow.
She was needed here. The boy below her would rely on her and her alone. He'd never leave her behind or shun her away. No, he was incapable of such a betrayal.
Because Haku needed her absolutely.
"You… don't…" The boy seemed to want to reject her feelings, seemed to want to push her away. He got closer to her instead. "I…"
It was funny, she was younger than Haku by perhaps two years, and yet even still, she felt in complete control.
"You promise?"
She pushed forward slightly, her lips a hairs-width from Haku's own.
"Mm." She hummed, practically into the boy's lips themselves. "I promise."
Haku himself closed the remainder of the distance, bringing their lips together in silent union. It felt to Ino that all sound in the rest of the room should've faded, or her cheeks should've blazed like a wildfire, or she should've seen fireworks go off in the distance. but no, her first kiss really wasn't that much to write home about. And then it was over, as if nothing had happened at all.
She felt dirtier somehow, as if she'd tainted something pure.
I did what I had to do. I saved Haku. Even still, she knew that statement to be the truth, despite all the extra baggage. He would've died without me.
He would've died without me.
He'd die without me.
She tried to ignore how that made her feel. Her chest tightened, and her mind became almost hazy. She felt intoxicated with the feeling. The feeling of being relied upon completely.
As she looked back down at Haku, she saw that the boy was crying. It was a small thing, at first. The boy's tears fell down his face quietly, until at last, it seemed he could no longer hold in the tirade that lied behind his eyes. She held him closely as he bawled openly, staining her shirt with his tears as they huddled together on the floor.
And for a while, Haku simply cried. Yet, even still, she cradled him. It was far from healthy for either of them, and she knew that. Like Sakura had said, it wasn't fair, but at least that went both ways.
A relationship between a boy who'd lost the only thing he'd ever had, who desperately required something to cling to, and a girl who'd indulge that request. For it was her own desire, wanting nothing more than to be needed, to be cherished absolutely, and held above any other.
She almost felt the need to laugh at them, at the sorry state they found themselves in.
Like a couple of puzzle pieces, they fit together so…
Awfully.
/-/
Sakura, like the rest of her team, sat silently in her stool at Ichiraku Ramen.
She listened as Naruto slurped up the last few noodles of his fourth bowl, Sasuke just behind him at three, and stared silently at her own bowl, which remained untouched.
She had no appetite. A small part of her wanted to yell at the others for being able to have one, but she ignored that part of herself.
She noticed she'd been having to do that a lot more often, ignore a part of herself that screamed she should act in anger or hate. She couldn't help but pin that on the evolution of her curse mark, which still, days after she'd last activated it, ached restlessly upon her neck, it's black flames almost begging to be let out.
They'd been waiting for Kakashi to show up, technically. The gathering was, in theory, to be a part in celebration of their team-wide promotions to Chuunin, and the sort-of-graduation that came about from it.
Kakashi had cancelled on them last minute.
He'd done that more than once.
It'd started last week, around the time they got back from their mission. He'd seemed a bit scatterbrained then, but after he'd left for what they'd learned over the course of their tutelage under him was his daily trip to the memorial stone, he'd come back…
Changed.
The look in his eye was all wrong, like he was lost, confused, and alone, forging ahead in a world he didn't know. She had no idea what could've caused their normally unflappable teacher to grow so… flappable, but whatever it was, she wasn't sure she wanted to find out.
Stupid curse mark… She blamed the thing for her own weakness of heart. If Kakashi's in trouble, then we'll go help him out. That's Team 7, that's who we are.
She wasn't sure how much the curse mark had to do with her prior thoughts, but still… it was an easy out from facing her faults.
She watched Naruto out of the corner of her eye, seeing him gaze at the both of them, giving a curious expression. A moment later, he stood up from his seat, and placed his allotment of food money on the counter, which Ayame gratefully pocketed.
"Alright, you two, I'm heading out." Naruto announced suddenly. "If Kakashi's not showing up, then I don't see any real reason to stick around."
Sakura raised an eyebrow, looking over at Sasuke and seeing the boy shooting her a similar look. Clearly, something was up.
It wasn't like Naruto to pass up friend-hanging-time.
"How about you two use this time to… take a walk, chat with each other, and, oh, I don't know… finally have that conversation you've been putting off for a good two months?"
A certain redness came to Sakura's face immediately, and she pointedly turned away from Sasuke, not wanting to meet her teammates eyes.
"Oh my go– just…" The boy leaned back, groaning up at the sky. "How about you just try? Please, for the love of me, because I can't stand this any longer."
With no further ceremony, Naruto pushed himself away from the bar, and walked back towards his apartment. Sakura and Sasuke were left in silence, and for the former, she wasn't exactly sure what they were supposed to do now.
Luckily, at least, it seemed Sasuke was. He placed down a small sum of change on the counter in front of him as he stood up.
"Here. We'll be heading out."
There was, in fact, a part of her that wanted to protest, but, well… The rest of her didn't, so she followed his lead.
They left Ichiraku without any hurry, sort of wandering as they made their way through the Leaf. They weren't discussing anything quite yet, but they also weren't going their separate ways. The both of them knew the conversation they needed to have, but…
That didn't make it suddenly easy to have.
They walked for a long while, just soaking in the atmosphere of the evening. Sakura herself couldn't help but worry about Haku, just a little bit, but even still, she wanted to put her faith in Ino. Even if she thought the girl was making the wrong choice…
She couldn't fault her for it either.
"Gah." Sasuke finally spat out when it seemed they'd get nowhere. "Was this this hard last time?"
Sakura remembered back to their time in the Forest of Death, when they'd spent a good ten minutes just deciding they didn't want to talk about it right then…
"Yeah." Sakura admitted honestly. "It was."
Sasuke breathed out a laugh.
"Well, at least we're honest about it."
Once more, they seemed to regress into silence. Sakura almost wanted to stick there, in that zone of comfort, and not have to leave, to face herself and Sasuke and whatever the hell bond they'd formed. And yet, somewhere, at the back of her mind, a voice called out that she should stop being such a baby and go for it.
For what felt like the first time, she agreed with that voice.
"I like you." She forced out, practically panting as she breathed in relief. "Whew. There, I said it."
Despite what she'd hoped would happen (Sasuke would blush embarrasedly, he'd dramatically profess his love for her, and they'd live happily ever after), the boy beside her merely nodded.
"Well yeah, I knew that."
Her mouth hung open.
"Er…" Sasuke seemed to realize that what he'd just said could've been construed as really stupid. "I could've worded that better."
And yet, somehow, the boys words were endlessly endearing. She found herself grinning from ear to ear, before what began as a small giggle gradually descended into a chaotic and uncontrolled cackle.
"Uhm…"
"T-That was… Snrk…" She tried to control her laughter, failing miserably. "The perfect response!"
"S-Sakura…" The boy blushed now, though not quite how she'd hoped before.
"A plus, plus, plus!" She shouted, attracting the attention of some nearby stall-owners as she leaned on the boy beside her, propping herself up on his body to keep herself from falling over in her revelry. "No one's ever done better!"
"Hey…"
"And the winner for greatest-conversation-holder-ever award goes to-"
"Alright, alright!" Sasuke cut her off there, maddeningly red as he pushed her off of him, averting his eyes from her own. "That's… my bad."
She snickered once more but managed to reign in the feeling.
"Well, would you like to try responding to my, might I say, perfect confession once more?"
"Oh, it was perfect, was it?"
"Find fault in it, I dare you."
"No, I'd like to keep all my limbs."
She giggled once more, an easy sort of calm settling over the both of them as they fell back on old habits.
She couldn't let that happen.
"Okay, seriously though," She turned, gripping onto Sasuke's left hand and holding it in both of hers. "I… well, I said my piece. It's your turn."
Sasuke opened his mouth, though whether or not it'd been for protest or agreement, she'd never know, for he shut it the instant after. It was only after what felt like a minute passed by in silence that she had a terrifying thought.
Wait… what if Sasuke doesn't feel the same way?
She'd always just sort of assumed he had. His behavior around her has been much the same as hers, blushing and stammering and stumbling over their words. She'd always equated that with feelings, but if he truly were just that normally awkward… if he didn't have those feelings for her as well…
She forced down the bile hanging in her throat, trying not to think of it. Instead, she looked up at Sasuke, seeing the boy still weighing something over in his head. She swallowed once more, keeping herself calm, and spoke.
"Uhm, Sasuke?"
He turned towards her, still unsure.
"I don't… want you to feel pressured, or anything, OK?" She forced herself to keep going, despite how much it hurt. "If you don't feel the same, then-"
"Wha– No! I do feel the same, it's just-"
And now it was Sakura's turn to be surprised. She turned on a dime, staring directly into Sasuke's black eyes and trying not to overreact.
"Oh." She spoke, seeing as how it was just about the last thing she could reasonably get out of her lips. "That's… good."
"I'm just…" Sasuke sighed. "With everything going on… with the Akatsuki, and Haku, and Zabuza, and Kakashi, is… is this really the time?"
She could sort of see what the boy was getting at. Maybe this wasn't the time to be starting some newfangled relationship, getting lost in the do's and don't's of it. They could end up fracturing their squad, or getting themselves hurt, or a million other things.
A million other things that the voice at the back of Sakura's head just didn't really care about at the moment.
She reached out and took Sasuke's hand. It wasn't exactly the most romantic gesture in the world, but still, it was about all she could do unobtrusively.
"I think it's the time." Sakura spoke, pointedly avoiding eye contact with her teammate. "I mean, sure, maybe we manage to wrap all this stuff with the Akatsuki up within the next few months, and you defeat Itachi, and we save the world, and everything's hunky-dory, but… I don't know, do you see that happening, realistically?"
She couldn't see Sasuke, but she felt him squeeze down on her hand, just a little.
"No. Can't say I do."
They walked at a steady pace, though Sakura couldn't help but smile as their interlocked hands stayed put.
"Then… really, why not?" Sakura asked, finally risking a glance over at Sasuke, and seeing him looking pensive. "Worst comes to worst, it doesn't work out, and we move on with our lives."
Sasuke hummed, acknowledging her point.
"Oh, fine, you're right."
She snorted.
"Once more, you prove that you don't quite have the heart of a romantic."
Sasuke bristled slightly.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"After all that, all you say is 'Oh, fine'?"
Sasuke seemed to think about that for a moment.
"Well…"
"Once more, ladies and gentlemen, the reigning talking-to-people champion of the world-"
She was interrupted by a warm feeling on her forehead, and turned to see Sasuke pulling away from her, a heavy blush covering most of his face. It took her a second to even realize what'd happened, and when she finally did, she found herself growing more and more tomato-like in appearance.
Sasuke… kissed my forehead!?
"T-there!" The boy stammered out, stepping past her a bit sheepishly so she couldn't see his face. "H-how's that for romantic?"
She was, at that moment, completely caught off guard. She felt a bit like she had back during their training exercises in the academy, when she'd fainted from Sasuke telling her she did well in her fight with Ino.
She didn't quite faint this time, but the thought definitely crossed her mind. She rubbed the spot the boy's lips had made contact, and tried not to think about it.
Really tried not to think about–
It was so warm, was that his first kiss, does that make me his first girlfriend, oh my god our kids are going to be so damned cute–
"CALM, SAKURA!" Her inner self chided. "Get a hold of yourself!"
She laughed, a tiny, freeing feeling that filled her body with warmth. She skipped ahead, past Sasuke, and shouted for him to keep up.
He sighed, but did, jogging along behind her at a modest pace.
Perhaps this wasn't exactly how she'd have wanted it to go down, but… but this was what she'd always wanted when she was a kid. To be a strong ninja and settle down. To make friends and allies, and to have people she could rely on. Things had been crazy, absolutely insane, these past few months, but maybe… maybe things were trending up?
Maybe… Maybe I can live a normal life after all?
Her curse mark flared, as if directly answering her plea.
"You, live a normal life?" It seemed to say.
"I'm afraid it's far too late for that."
End Chapter 57
Yo.
So yeah. That was a depressing ass chapter. It ended happy, though, so maybe you can forgive me?
Wanted to quickly address the Trigger Warning, because I know some people think they're dumb. I have no idea who's reading my story, beyond a username, so I have no idea what kinds or types of people are reading it, or will read it in the future. I want to make sure that anyone who reads, regardless of their comfortability level with these kinds of things, will be both able to know what happens in this chapter, and still be able to avoid encountering something that might hurt them in a more detailed and drawn out fashion.
My stories might occasionally hurt your feelings, but I hope it's never to such a degree that they'd actually harm you. Plus, it's not like a little summary of the chapter's going to hurt anyone. Just avoid it if you have no need. Or read it. I did still put effort into it, after all.
Alright, I'll step off my soap box, just wanted to get that out there.
Next chapter's a doozy, so look forward to it! See you all next week!
Chapter Summary:
Team 7, The sound trio, and Haku attend a meeting in the Hokage's office. Haku, Sakura, and Naruto are promoted to Chuunin. Tsunade lets everyone know that Zabuza's funeral will be held the next day, and Naruto mentally asks, somewhat rhetorically, if this is what they were fighting for, because right now, all he feels is pathetic that he wasn't able to do more.
The day of the funeral arrives, and Haku is down. Maybe moreso than normal, even. Ino and her father arrive a bit late, but even that's not enough to cheer the now orphaned Haku up. He leaves the service as soon as it concludes.
Sakura and Ino walk and talk for a while, with the latter admitting to her best friend that she's horribly scared of being left behind, of not being needed, and she's not going to give up on Haku. Sakura asks her if getting into something like that is fair to her, but Ino ignores her, saying it doesn't particularly matter, since her happiness doesn't. The two make up afterwords, apologizing to each other, but it's shaky.
She goes to Haku's house, and finds him about to end his own life. She stops him, and tries to talk him out of it as best she can. When she sees that won't work, however, she does the only other thing she can think of, and tethers him to her with a kiss they share. She remarks, mentally, to Sakura, that she's not as saintlike as she might've seemed, since this is also a way she can be needed absolutely.
Meanwhile, at Ichiraku Ramen, Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura are having a meal. Kakashi was supposed to show up, but he didn't for some reason. Naruto leaves, giving the two time to walk and talk. They do, and they decide to just go for it and start their relationship. Sakura wishes for a normal life, but she knows, deep down, that her life can't be that simple anymore.