Rejoice, my people. Your queen has returned!

Long story short, my phone broke. But it's summer and I have a new (albeit shitty) phone, so my only excuse from here until August for being absent will be the occasional bout of Depression (trademark). That, or I'm busy, dammit.

I'll save my spiel for the end of the chapter, since I'm sure you're all sick of waiting. So without further ado, enjoy!

You know how bad guys in movies always say you can "run, but you can't hide"? Yeah. Turns out there's some truth to that.

Chat wasn't sure how long he'd been running, exactly; all he knew was that his lungs were on fire and his legs felt like they were going to fall off, and that was with the Miraculous' magic. Every time he dared to slow down, he heard that terrible scream over his shoulder, and before he knew why, he was running again. That was all he could do--it was like a reflex.

The closer he was when it screamed, the stronger the feeling was, and the less he could control his reaction to it. If he stopped too long, the fear would overtake him. He'd seen the way Marinette froze up, screaming bloody murder all the while, and he'd felt it slightly when the akuma--whoever it was--managed to gain some ground. He decided to be grateful his involuntary reaction to that horrible sound was flight rather than fight; trying to take it down without Ladybug would be a mistake, to say the least.

Now, if he could only find her...

Screeeeeeeeeeech! He heard it again, just behind him, and immediately, his heart began pounding erratically. His mouth dried up, yet his bladder was suddenly ready to explode (and if he peed himself as Chat Noir, mark his words, that would be the end of his heroing days). His legs propelled him forward, and it was all he could do to steer them away from dead ends.

I can't run forever, the rational part of his brain was saying. I need to find Ladybug and we need to form a plan.

One more time, he called her on his staff, and was surprised when she actually picked up.

"Ladybug!" he wheezed as her face appeared on the tiny screen. "I called you like a billion times; where are you?!"

"I'm sorry! I'm on my way to the collège right now. Can you meet me in the cafeteria?"

"Fine."

He hung up without another word, too tired to be concerned with pleasantries; plus, he needed to save his breath. Ladybug would understand, he hoped.

"He hung up on me!"

Was that...? Chat stopped dead in his tracks, the akuma temporarily forgotten, and walked quickly around the corner into the hall he'd heard the voice come from. Sure enough, there was his lady, staring down at her yoyo, looking offended. After a moment, she looked up, and they stood blinking at each other for a few precious seconds before simultaneously breaking into a sprint down the hall alongside each other.

"Where have you been?" he demanded breathlessly.

"I'm sorry!" she said again. "I was, uh...having...feminine issues."

"Do you think you can use Lucky Charm to get us some earplugs?" Chat asked, quickly changing the subject.

Wow, that actually worked, Ladybug thought. "I can give it a shot," she said as they stopped, and threw her yoyo up in the air. "Lucky charm!"

Tampons. It gave her tampons.

"Oh, uh..." Ladybug looked nervously between the box and Chat, who was suddenly very interested in the ceiling. "Right, um...Thanks."

"Please tell me you have a plan," Chat said, still staring at the ceiling. "I don't know how useful...sanitary products are going to be with this akuma."

"Well, I'm sorry, alright? I don't choose what I get," she snapped. "Otherwise, most of these would be a lot easier."

"Okay, okay." Chat put his hands up in surrender. "Someone's--"

She grabbed him by the ears (the cat ones, not the real ones) and gritted her teeth. "Don't. Say. It."

Chat laughed nervously, ducking away as she let go. "I-I was only joking, Milady."

A shrill scream filled the hall, and the two took off again, Chat taking the lead. The akuma was still a bit far behind them so the affects were subdued, but that didn't stop Ladybug's heart from beating out of her chest. She could feel her legs freezing up, but she pushed past the fear enough to keep up with Chat, at least until they found a safe place to regroup.

Inspiration striking suddenly, Ladybug grabbed Chat's wrist and led him in a beeline to--sigh--the girl's bathroom, locking the door behind them.

"Um, okay." Chat stared at his shoes. "This is a new level of uncomfortable."

"Stop whining. I have a plan."

Ladybug pushed a reluctant Chat toward one of those automatic hand dryers, the kind that are obnoxiously loud and only really get used if they're out of paper towels. "Put your hands under here," she said, "and don't let it shut off."

Chat complied, seeming grateful for the distraction. Meanwhile, Ladybug opened the box of tampons and took out four, removing the outer packaging until only the cotton-y part was left. She held two out for Chat, who took a moment to realize what she was doing. When he did, he shook his head vehemently.

"THEY'RE FOR YOUR EARS," Ladybug shouted over the noise. "MAKESHIFT EARPLUGS."

"UM, HOW ABOUT NOT?"

"DON'T BE A BABY."

Chat reluctantly put them in. Ladybug had to stifle her laughter as he glared daggers at her.

"YOU, TOO."

The heroine nodded, cringing at she stuffed the tampons in a place she was pretty sure they were not meant to go. She tolerated Chat's snickering, mostly because she couldn't hear it. Knowing full well that she would die of embarrassment if anyone saw her like this, she led Chat out of the bathroom.

--

Marco had a girly scream; that was just a fact. He'd come to accept it.

It didn't help that he was afraid of almost everything, which made scaring the crap out of him a popular activity in his class, where he was nicknamed "The Scream." So yeah. He'd been expecting this for a while.

The Scream was waiting outside the bathroom, per Hawkmoth's instructions, when the superhero duo emerged. Immediately, he released a guttural screech that should have knocked them out cold, but by the looks on their faces, he could immediately tell it hadn't worked. After that, it was as simple as Chat Noir punching him in the face, Ladybug grabbing his worry stone out of his pocket, and Chat using Cataclysm on it.

"Miraculous Ladybug!"

The cheer echoed through the halls as everything, including Marco, returned to normal.

Marco blinked as all around him, doors began to open and relieved students and staff flooded out. "What...what happened?"

"MARCO!"

Elise, his best friend, appeared suddenly, tackling him to the ground. He cracked a grin as she hugged him tightly. She pulled away to smile at him, her round face just as flushed as his probably was.

"Marco, I'm so glad you're okay! We were all worried."

He laughed. "Really? You were?"

Chat Noir watched the two of them from afar, Ladybug having run off with only moments to spare, and felt a pang in his chest. He wondered if anyone had worried about him after he ran off. More likely, he'd probably only made them suspicious about his identity and pissed Nino and Miss Bustier off.

He pushed a hand through his hair, ignoring the curious students gathered around him and scanning the crowd for someone, though he wasn't sure who. His gaze paused on a pair of blue eyes and pigtails, and stayed there for several seconds. He considered going over to her, but his ring beeped suddenly.

He glanced at his Miraculous, then back up at her. He gave her a smile and a salute, then disappeared down the hall toward the exit.

Marinette watched him go, clutching a hand to her chest. For a moment, before their eyes met, he'd looked so...crestfallen. Like he was waiting for something.

She didn't understand, but she never wanted him to look like that again.

Why tampons, you ask?

I...have no goddamn clue. My mind is as much a mystery to you as it is to me. I just hope it was as hilarious to read as it was to write.

Seriously, though. If this chapter offended you or made you uncomfortable in any way, I sincerely apologize and advise that you grow a pair. This is the reality for most women. It's disgusting and hilarious and natural, like most things pertaining to the human body.

Also, I feel like this is an issue that's not addressed enough on TV. Women on long space voyages, for example. Do they have an entire cargo bay full of unused tampons? Or is the human race advanced enough by that point to have created some sort of high-tech alternative? I suppose it would be pretty sad if we had achieved space travel but not made tampons obsolete...But then again, we as a species have never really had our priorities straight.

Anyway, enough of the tampon talk. Season two is out (ish?), which I, personally, have been looking forward to for a long time, and so far, it's lived up to my expectations (which are decidedly low, but still). I'm excited to see what the rest of the season has in store, but I have some concerns. Luka's eyelashes, for example, or lack thereof. (Seriously. It's ruining his character for me a bit. All I can think about when I see him is "WHERE ARE YOUR EYELASHES SON???")

In all seriousness, it's good to be back. Tell me what you guys think of season two, or not. Do what you like. Live your dreams. Pee into the wind.

One more thing: I lost my plans for this fic when my phone broke, so I'm going to be winging this from here on out. Hopefully it won't be a total train wreck.

Thanks for reading!