CHAPTER 3: The Way Zen Sees It

After Zen dropped MC off at work, after that long stimulating kiss, he watched her walk all the way into the building. Even after the door swung fully closed and she was gone, he leaned against his motorcycle for a while to stare up at the clear blue sky.

"Man…" he whispered to himself under his breath and then he smiled.

He was replaying the last few moments with MC in his mind. He pictured almost in slow motion the mischievous sparkle in her eyes, the generous sway of her hips, the way she tossed her long hair over her shoulder as she finally turned away from him to open the door and disappear inside her place of business.

He chuckled to himself and shook his head. Man, he had it bad for her and he knew it. He liked it. Then he felt heat rise to cheeks as he had another thought about what was very likely going to happen later. I can't believe it, he said to himself, I'm finally going to have sex.

It was about then that the anxiety kicked in again. What if he couldn't please her? What if something went wrong? You often see these scenes play out on TV shows and in movies, where the boy is way too awkward or cums way too fast, sometimes before even putting it in. Oh, god, he thought. Don't let that happen to me.

Then there was MC - had she done it before? Zen thought it was likely that she had, if she hadn't she would've said so the night he told her he was a virgin. And, she'd been so eager, so ready to do it in the first place. Yes, she was most certainly experienced. How experienced? He wondered. His beautiful red eyes turned to fire as an image of MC being pleased by another lover involuntarily flashed into his head.

"Gah!" he said, striking his forehead with the heel of his hand. No need to get so possessive, he told himself. It's probably good that at least someone will know what they're doing…

Another thought popped into his mind. What about condoms? Did he even have any? If he did they were likely so old they would have expired by now. And what about putting it on? When he was a little younger, he had spent some time practicing, but it was sticky and messy and gross and he wasn't even sure he was doing it right.

Zen's spirits immediately sunk at this thought and fear gripped him anew. He did not want to look stupid in front of MC. Zen pulled back the sleeve on his leather jacket and glanced at his watch. He still had time. Rehearsals weren't scheduled to start until noon. He could go by the drugstore, pick up some condoms and then head to RFA headquarters to use the computer there. There had to be some kind of "how to" video on the Metube, right?

Zen broke out of his revery and when he turned to saddle his motorbike, he glanced up and saw Jaehee's face framed in the window. She had this weird puzzled look on her face like she'd been watching him the whole time and had surmised what he had been thinking. She probably had, Zen thought. Jaehee knew him so well she could practically read his mind. She'd even once told him he was an "open book".

"Your thoughts, your feelings, you wear them so plainly on your face," Jaehee had said at an early RFA gathering. "That's probably one of the things that makes you such an incredible actor."

"Yeah?" Zen had said. "Then what am I thinking right now?"

Jaehee pulled off her glasses and began to wipe them with a cloth, looking bored. "Well, right now I can tell you don't care much for Jumin."

Zen's eyes had gone wide because she had been right. All night long Jumin had been babbling on and on about his wealth. He wouldn't shut up. Every opportunity he got, he'd bring up one of his many farms or vacation homes he owned abroad or talk about some fancy piece of clothing. The last straw for Zen was when Jumin had held up an expensive-looking pen and began twirling it between his long, perfectly manicured fingers.

"Is that a real diamond?" Yoosang had said, his bright blue eyes nearly popping off his face.

"Of course it is," Jumin said smugly and then, it seemed anyway, very purposely locked eyes with Zen. It made Zen want to jump up and shove that pen up his ass.

Back in the parking lot, Zen shook out his hair and put on his helmet. The thought of Jaehee having any of the kind of the thoughts he was having about MC, about him or MC, or about him and MC made the tips of his ears redden and his stomach go queasy. This was definitely not something he wanted to be thinking about.

In the window, Jaehee lifted her hand and gave Zen a little wave. Zen gave a little half-hearted wave back. He cared a lot for Jaehee. She was part of the RFA after all, and she worked hard. But god, she could be annoying. Kind of like now, he thought.

Zen turned the key in the ignition, put the bike in gear and sped off before she could get any ideas about coming outside.

Zen got to RFA Headquarters around 10:30am. RFA Headquarters was a modern two-bedroom apartment located in one of the nicer neighborhoods in the city. It used to belong to Rika, RFA's former party coordinator, who died nearly two years ago. Until recently, the location of Rika's apartment had been a secret, but since the success of the RFA's most recent party, it had become the organization's default headquarters.

Prior to the apartment, the RFA had existed mostly in a chatroom. The addition of Rika's apartment, though, made it possible for members to see each other in real life more and hang out. Everyone had a key and access to the property. Zen liked going there because it had a fantastic balcony view of the city. Rika's apartment also had a computer that was connected to the internet, which was the reason he was here now.

When Zen threw open the big wooden door, he was happy to find the apartment quiet. As he strode over to the computer, he dropped a bag of condoms on the kitchen table.

Purchasing the condoms turned out to be a lot harder than he thought it would be. First of all, he'd had to walk all the way back to the pharmacy. As he moved through the bright fluorescent lit aisles he felt all eyes on him. He was handsome, and so he was used to being watched, but there was something about being watched while on this errand that made him squirm.

Then it got worse. When he'd finally reached the pharmacy counter at the back of the store, he'd then had to ask the clerk for what he needed. Worse yet, the clerk was a woman, young but serious looking. She had glasses and wore her blond hair tied back in a neat-looking knot.

"Can I help you?" she said. When she looked up into Zen's chiseled and handsome face, she tried hard to hide her reaction but failed. "Uh, oh," she said, letting a breath escape her throat and her cheeks grew hot.

"Hi," Zen said, by way of opening. He looked around nervously and then cleared his throat. "Uh, um, you got any condoms?"

This question made things worse for the young woman. Zen watched as all the color drained from her face. "Oh?" she said, trying to sound perfectly natural, totally professional. "Why, yes, we do have several types of prophylactics." She gestured to a wall of condoms that were displayed over her left shoulder. "What kind do you need?"

Zen hadn't been expecting this. There are different kinds? He thought. He didn't know. He didn't have any idea.

"Uh," he said, his mind working fast. "Do you maybe have some kind of variety pack?"

"Um, well yes," the young clerk woman answered. She turned around and reached for one of the boxes on the shelves. "There's the Pleasure Pack," she said, and then placed the box on the counter.

Zen looked at the box. It was a 36-count variety pack all right. The different types of condoms had embarrassing names like "extra sensitive", "intense" and "flame". Zen felt his heart start to pound in his chest.

The young woman interpreted Zen's discomfort with indecision and quickly turned around to pick a few more boxes and put them on the counter next to the variety pack. "Or, maybe you need one of these?" she said. "We've got the ultrafeels, the ultra-sensitive, or maybe even the, um…"

Zen couldn't help but notice her eyes flutter down to his crotch and then quickly back up to his face. "Well, these," she said. She slid a box with the word "Magnum" printed in large block letters toward him and then looked away. The color was back in her cheeks. She was blushing profusely now and Zen was feeling more anxious than ever. He had to get out of there.

"I'll take them all," Zen said, impulsively.

"All of them?" The clerk croaked and her face flushed even more deeply.

"Yeah, um…" he stammered. "I'll take them all... Can I have a bag, please?"

Somehow Zen made it through the rest of the transaction. He grabbed his bag of newly purchased condoms and raced out of the store, head down the whole way. Ah damn, he thought. He'd possibly never been more embarrassed in all his life.

Back at the apartment, Zen logged onto the computer and opened up a browser. He typed in the words: how to put on a condom and hit search. He was so engrossed in scanning the search results he didn't hear anyone come up behind him.

"Whatcha doin'?" Seven's mocking tone jolted Zen out of his concentration and he nearly jumped out of his chair.

"Seven!" Zen said angrily and immediately stood up to obscure the search results on the screen.

"Whatcha looking for?" Seven said, playfully peeking around Zen's shoulder. Then his eyes went wide. "Condoms?!" Seven nearly shrieked with glee. "Are you and MC gonna…"

"Shut up, Luciel!" Zen shouted calling him by his Baptismal name Luciel. Seven was actually known by several names including other more outrageous monikers like "God Seven" and even "Defender of Justice". His real name was actually Saeyoung, but few people called him that.

"You are…" Seven said in a mocking tone.

"Don't say it!" Zen said, attempting to click windows on the computer screen closed, only to trigger more pop-up windows to open. It was just the kind of smut one would expect to get with a search word like "condom", some of it more suggestive than others.

"Hey, hey," Seven said. "Calm down, Zen."

"Don't tell me to calm down," Zen said. He marched into the other room to plop down on the couch and bury his head in his hands.

Seven was the RFA's hacker, extremely smart, armed with a sharp tongue and a quick wit that was often set to kill. He was the trickster of the group and the most likely to inflict ridicule. Out of everyone in the organization, Zen realized, Seven was the last person he wanted to encounter under these circumstances.

Luckily, for once, Seven realized the gravity of the situation and acted accordingly. After taking a moment to take off his glasses and rub his eyes, he sat down next to Zen and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, dude," he said in a soft voice, totally inconsistent with the character who sometimes called himself God Seven. "What's going on? Talk to me."

Seven was the last person Zen wanted to talk to about his virginity and his fears about messing it up with MC. But he could see that he was also cornered and desperate for someone to talk to.

"Dude, you have to promise me," Zen started, his head still in his hands. He couldn't believe he was about to do this.

"OK, yeah," Seven said. "I promise."

"I haven't even told you what I need you to promise yet!" Zen shouted. "Look dude, I'm serious!"

"Ok, ok," Seven said, backpedaling. "Sorry. I'm listening."

"You have to promise not to breathe a word of this again to anyone," Zen said. "Not even me. After we have this talk I never want to hear you bring it up again. Ever. You understand?"

"Yeah, Zen, OK," Seven said. "I promise."

They both sat quietly for a moment, side by side on the couch, not looking at each other. Finally Zen spoke.

"I'm a virgin," he said quietly.

"No shit?!" Seven said sounding surprised. "I would've never guessed that you…"

"Just shut up and listen, OK?" Zen said. "I was waiting, waiting for someone special."

"Like MC," Seven said.

"Yeah," Zen said. "Like MC. She's the one."

"Wow," Seven said. "I get it." He sighed. "You two are so disgusting, by the way."

"Jealous much?" Zen said, elbowing Seven in the arm.

"Yeah, actually," Seven said. "If you must know, yeah. You two are like, destined, or something." He paused. "Who wouldn't want that for themselves? It's kinda cool."

The two boys were quiet for minute, each studying their folded hands. They were still sitting side-by-side, not looking each other in the eye.

"So it's going to be your first time," Seven said, finally.

"Yeah," Zen said. "Something like that."

"It's good," Seven said. "I'm pretty sure you're going to be stoked."

"Seven?" Zen said, his voice small, probably the smallest voice Seven had ever heard, which was weird coming from a diehard narcissist like Zen.

"Yeah?" Seven said.

"What if I mess it up?" There he'd said it. He'd got it out there and to his surprise he realized he maybe felt a little better.

"Dude," Seven said. "You're not going to mess it up."

"But what if I do, though?" Zen said, turning to look at Saeyoung for the first time in this conversation. Saeyoung's eyes were a red-brown. Zen hadn't noticed that before.

"Look," Seven started, deadly serious."I won't lie. It could be awkward as hell. Like really, you could struggle with the condom, you could, like cum like immediately…"

Zen's heart sunk deep in his chest and he felt what felt like all hope drain from his body. Here were his worst fears being realized. Seven went on.

"Yeah, all those things could happen, and worse!" Saeyoung paused to throw up his hands for emphasis. "But, maybe you forget, but this is MC, and she loves you, and you love her! That by root definition is beautiful."

Zen felt confused at first, but started to think about it. He hadn't really thought of it that way. Did he necessarily need to be afraid that things would be awkward and weird or was it really just enough to trust that he and MC would figure it out… together?

Saeyoung had put on this thinking face and was stroking his chin. He stayed that way for a good minute, maybe two, until he finally spoke again.

"Nope," he said with certainty. "It's not possible to mess it up, Zen. I don't see any possible path of circumstances where it doesn't work out."

"No?" Zen said.

"No," Seven said, clapping Zen on the back. "Dude, just be your awesome self… and whatever you do, just be present. You've already done the hard work of falling in love, this whole sex thing, it's just gravy."

Looking at Seven's reassuring smile, Zen felt a great weight lifting from his chest and shoulders. He couldn't believe his mind. Did Seven, Luciel, Saeyoung, God of Seven just make him feel better? He turned to Seven and clapped him on the shoulder. Man, maybe stranger things have happened, he thought, and he smiled.

"So what's the deal with all the different kinds of condoms?" Zen said.

Seven started to laugh.