Chapter 9: Jealous Much?

Watching Zen and Echo Girl sing together had been harder than I thought it would be. When Kyungi had shown up at the club and asked Zen to sing, I thought I could handle it. I really did. Heck, I even encouraged it.

So yes, I encouraged him, and Zen and Echo Girl went on stage and sang. Of course my heart nearly sank the moment they took the stage. They looked perfect up there, two supernatural beauties, the ideal couple. There was Echo Girl with her dainty arm looped through Zen's. It looked so casual there, so natural, like maybe she did it all the time. Then there was Zen, singing his part while staring longingly into her wide blue eyes. Had the actor Zen been in my bed just this morning? Or had it all been merely a dream? Because, yup, up there on that stage, standing side-by-side, was the perfect couple - two people that looked like they belonged together, a pair destined by fate.

So where did that leave me?

I scolded myself. What right did I have to be jealous? If you date a semi-famous actor on the up and coming what else could you expect? The obsessed fans, the gorgeous co-stars - this was just a day in the life of Zen, and if I couldn't take the heat, maybe I should get out of the kitchen. I crossed my arms over my chest, indignant. Zen and Echo Girl sang on and on.

"Say you were made to be mine… Nothing could keep us apart..."

Now they were holding each other's hands and staring into each other's faces. I scowled and continued to slowly lose grip on my reality.

As much as I was hating this, the cameras were loving every minute of it. The click of shutters and staccato of flashes were so forthcoming they had almost become part of the song. The crowd was getting bigger, too. Word that the two actors were here and performing had gotten around, and so fans were gathering outside the door to the karaoke room and pressing their faces up against the glass windows.

I was being ridiculous and I knew it, but I also couldn't help it. I tried everything I could to console myself, talk myself down from the total mind fuck I was creating in my head. I replayed my favorite Zen memories, proof of how much he loved me. I kept reminding myself this whole performance wasn't real, they were actors, after all. Most of all, Kyungu could never be Zen's girlfriend - remember how much she annoyed him?

The self-talk worked for a while, but as the night wore on, my jealousy won out. When Zen and Echo Girl finished their first number, "Rewrite the Stars," the crowd immediately started shouting for an encore. By the look on Echo Girl's elfin face, she was most happy to comply.

"Come on, LoveyHubby…." Echo Girl cooed, reaching down to squeeze Zen's hand. The crowd responded with whoops and hollers. No wonder half the world thought they were dating, I thought.

The crowd started to clap and chant, "Zen, Zen, Zen…" and finally I saw him half nod at Echo Girl in agreement. What sounded like several teenagers and young girls shrieked in ecstasy. Did he look happy about singing another number? I squinted, trying to read the expression on Zen's face. Did he want to do sing another song? I couldn't tell.

There were some moments of discussion and then Echo Girls' manager went to go punch in the numbers to cue up the next song. I decided now might be the time to grab some wine. I excused myself from my seat next to Yoosung and pushed my way over to Jumin on the other side of the room.

"Jumin," I said, forgoing the pleasantries. "Can I get a glass of that wine?"

"Enjoying the show that much, are we?" Jumin said, pouring me a pretty stout glass.

"Yes, they're quite the duo" I said, forcing a smile.

"Yes," Jumin replied. "I suppose that's why the whole country is rooting for their love."

Rooting for their love? Really, Jumin? I needed to distance myself as quickly as possible from that statement, from what was happening in this room, and more importantly, from what I was feeling right now. I raised the glass to my lips and took a sip. The wine was full-bodied and inky, and burned my throat a little of the way down. It tasted expensive.

"Châteauneuf-du-Pape," Jumin said, by way of explanation.

"Oh," I said, politely. "It's nice." To be honest I didn't care much about the wine, what it was or how much it cost. The bigger thing I wanted was to be drunk, to numb the feelings that were building in response to "romance" that was playing itself out on stage.

Carefully I made my way back to my seat over in the back corner of the room next to Yoosung. Up to this point, I thought I had been doing a pretty decent job of holding it together. Then Echo Girl made a bold move. I watched as she slid her arm around Zen's shoulder and started gently running her fingers up and down his back. My jaw dropped and I may have audibly winced. Now was that really necessary?

I guess my reaction was pretty obvious because Yoosung leaned in.

"You know it's all an act, right?" Yoosung said.

I nodded and took another sip of the wine.

"Zen, he's just a really good actor," Yoosung went on as Zen reached over to brush a lock of golden highlighted hair out of Echo Girl's face as he sang. "He can be really convincing, that's all."

"Mmmm...hmmm," I agreed, taking another sip of the wine. Super convincing indeed. I looked a little closer. Wait, wasn't that the look Zen gave me this morning while we were getting dressed? I balled my free hand, the one that was not gripping the wine glass, into a fist.

Quickly I downed the last of my wine and stood up to get another one. Immediately I sat back down again. Whoa. I didn't feel right, and my legs felt like jelly. I couldn't stand.

"MC, are you OK?" Yoosung said, putting an arm around my shoulder. When Zen saw this, he broke character to look directly at us, his red eyes narrow and smoldering. As soon as Yoosung caught Zen's look, he immediately removed his arm from my shoulders.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said. "I think I'm just a little bit tipsy."

"Here, I'll go get you some water," Yoosung said. He got up and moved to a small table across the room that held glasses and a pitcher of water.

Zen was still looking my way with a worried expression on his face. Now he was mouthing the words are you OK? I nodded, and tried to accompany my expression with a reassuring smile.

The smile was obviously not reassuring enough, though, because as soon as the song ended Zen made a beeline for me.

"What's going on, MC?" He said. "Are you all right? Why did Yoosung have his arm around you?"

By this time, Yoosung had come back with the water. "She had one glass of wine and I think she's drunk," Yoosung said. "What a lightweight."

"Don't tell me you tried to take advantage of her," Zen said, angrily. "I was standing right over there, you know."

"Don't be silly, babe," I said slowly, slurring my "s" a little. "Yoosung didn't do anything. If anything, he was taking care of me."

Zen pushed himself between us and sat down. "Aw, honey," he said, putting his arm around me. "You're drunk?"

"Just tipsy," I said, putting my head on his shoulder. "I think I need to go home."

"Yeah, ok, sure," Zen said, brushing the hair out of my face and looking concerned. "We can leave." He glanced at Echo Girl who was talking to a group of reporters. "I'm good with that, actually."

Zen helped me put on my jacket and find my purse. When he hoisted me to my feet, I stumbled and fell against his chest. "Whoa, Princess," he said. "Can you walk?"

"I don't get it," I said. "I only had one drink…"

"I know, I know," he said, steering me toward Jumin's table. "Come on, let's go say our goodbyes.

Zen held me tight about the waist and guided me across the room to say goodbye to our RFA friends.

"You alright there, MC?" Jumin said with a sideways smirk. "Hit the sauce a little too hard, maybe?"

"I only had one glass," I said, defensively. I was already feeling a little embarrassed about the fact that I couldn't walk out by myself. I should never drink, I reminded myself.

"You take care of yourself, MC," Lexi-Ann said, squeezing my shoulder in a sympathetic manner that just exasperated my shame.

"Ya, we've all been there," Saeyoung added. "Well, not me, actually…but you know what I mean."

Zen shot Saeyoung a look. "Do you have to be such an a-hole, even like now?"

Saeyoung shrugged. Zen shook his head and started moving us toward the doorway.

"Make sure you give her plenty of water and something to eat before she goes to sleep," Jaehee called to Zen as we were walking away.

"Yeah, yeah," he said. "Come on, MC, let's go."

We had almost made it to the doorway when we were ambushed by a swarm of reporters.

"Zen! Zen!" A reporter shouted. "Who is that with you? Is that your girlfriend?"

Instantly we were bombarded by a cascade of clicking and flashes, which instantly made me feel nauseous.

"Zen," I whispered, clutching my stomach. "I think I'm going to be sick."

"Oh man," he said, pulling me closer and walking faster.

"Please…" Zen said, pushing us through the crowd. He tried to shield us from the cameras with his free hand as best he could. "Let us through."

"Hey, Zen!" Another voice shouted. "What does Echo Girl think about your girlfriend?"

"Yeah, does she also have natural D cup-sized breasts?" Someone else added.

"Don't listen to them," Zen whispered to me as he ushered me out of the building.

Outside, Zen turned to me with concern.

"Are you OK, MC?" He said. "Can you get into a car?"

I took a deep breath. The crisp, fresh air of the cool night had actually calmed my stomach, and I was feeling much better.

"Yeah, babe," I said, squeezing his arm. "I think I'm OK now."

As Zen lifted an arm to hail a cab, I felt the hot tears of shame begin to come.

"I'm so sorry, babe," I said, sniffling into his arm. "I don't know…"

"Shhh," Zen said, stroking my hair and lifting my head so that I could see his eyes. They were shining bright and filled with love. "Don't be silly... You have nothing to be sorry about." He smiled and kissed me, once on each cheek. "It's just a little beer, that's all."

"It was actually wine," I croaked.

"OK," he said, chuckling a bit. "Just a little wine, then. Not the end of the world."

Not the end of the world, he said. But it did, it did feel like that, the end of the world.

We were quiet the whole way home in the car. Zen just held my hand and I looked out the window. I think he was worried because, everyone once in a while, he made some effort at light-hearted conversation. I don't know, maybe I was tired, maybe I was drunk, but for the first time in our relationship I just didn't feel like talking to him, or anyone really. I was totally and utterly humiliated.

I couldn't sleep most of the night. I kept tossing and turning, replaying events from beginning to end. I was so ashamed of myself and my behavior. First getting so insanely jealous, and then drinking? What was that supposed to solve? I mean, really, if I was going to be dating Zen, this was part of the deal, right? What was I going to do instead? Implode over every fan I encountered in a locker room? Get jealous over every co-star in every show he's cast with? I needed a thicker skin, and fast, and I knew it, but I also didn't know if I could handle it. Maybe I was too weak.

My heart ached as I looked at Zen's incredible sleeping form, watching his bare chest rise and fall in the moonlight. I stroked his cheek, then his hair. Yeah, maybe I was too weak… Or maybe I just didn't deserve this.

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