Chapter 15: What Would Dolly Do?

I woke up sometime in the early evening. Burnt orange rays of light were seeping around the shades and the room was bathed in the semi-darkness of twilight. Soft music was still playing from my phone, but otherwise the apartment seemed quiet and still. I rolled over to glance at the clock. Six o'clock. Zen had probably gone on a run.

I sat up and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes with both fists and then sighed. Oh yeah, that, I thought. The fitful fresh feeling of a good nap was already starting to fade and get replaced with the not-so-pleasant memories from earlier in the day. The vengeful ill wish, the card with my name scrawled in red, the ominous red spider lily flower. I rolled my eyes. Then the "talk" I'd had with Zen, you know, the one where he mostly talked, and I mostly listened. The "conversation" where I got more raw and progressively more numb as he described his "acting methods" to me, something about using his feelings for me as "inspiration" for his art, as if I should somehow be grateful that he thinks of me when he's with other girls on stage. My stomach churned at the thought.

"God," Zen had said, reaching for my hand across the table and looking relieved. "I just really needed to tell you this. I hope you're not upset."

Ha. Was I upset? Well, that was the understatement of the year. I was no less than pissed. Not that I didn't somehow already realize, at some level, the kind of "artist shenanigans" that must go on to get the job done, but I prefered to stay in the dark. I didn't need to "think in detail" about how it all went down with Echo Girl line by line, scene by scene.

"Why are you telling me this?" I'd wanted to scream. "Today, of all days?" I'd wanted to say these things to Zen back at the restaurant, but for some reason I couldn't get air to pass my lips. So instead I just sat there, staring mute off into space.

I furrowed my brow and gritted my teeth. Then, and as if all that misery wasn't enough, something else happened. Yeah, wait for it - this was the fucking icing on the cake, and not in a good way. After the restaurant, we had to stop by the grocery store for milk - because after a day like today, there was no way I was waking up tomorrow without milk for my tea. While we were standing line, waiting to pay I saw something that nearly made my heart stop. There on the magazine rack, on the cover of one of the world's worst gossip mags ever, Enquire, was a photo of me and Zen. There I was, my first front page anything, and I looked like a total mess. I'm not in the least bit exaggerating when I say it was probably the worst picture of me ever taken - even worse than that awkward school photo I hated from the sixth grade.

God, no! I seethed at the memory and felt my anger level spike. Impulsively, I reached over to grab a half empty water glass on the nightstand and hurled it across the room. It hit the wall opposite the bed, luckily missing all of the mirrors, and shattered. It made a large satisfying sound when it did, and water beads went splattering everywhere. My eyes widened at the shards of broken glass on the floor and the glass-sized crater left behind in the plaster on the wall. I looked curiously at my arm, still lifted in mid-air. My hand looked foreign, like not part of me or my body at all. Even though there was no one there to see it, I felt my cheeks redden in shame.

At that moment, as if to mock me, or as if on cue, I'm not sure which, the music I'd been listening to cracked my consciousness. Before I'd went to sleep, I'd selected "artist" and "Dolly Parton" on Musikspy and just let it play. Now, one of her hit songs "Butterfly" was playing. The tone and mood of the song - lilting, light and sweet - was everything opposite of what I was feeling right now, but it caught my attention.

Love is like a butterfly

As soft and gentle as a sigh

The multicolored moods of love are like its satin wings

The music worked like salve on my raw nerves. I felt my anger start to melt away, so I closed my eyes and tried to listen harder.

Love makes your heart feel strange inside

It flutters like soft wings in flight

Love is like a butterfly, a rare and gentle thing

Dolly Parton was a country music artist I'd discovered while living in the United States, and she'd become somewhat of an inspiration to me, especially in the days/weeks following the Kwang-Jo incident. In the wake of my grief, I'd listened to her records over and over again. In her music, in her words, I found solace, and eventually some peace. Under her "guidance" I slowly started to rebuild my self-confidence.

You see, Dolly Parton was more than just a country music star, she was, in fact, a force of nature. Dolly may have been short in stature - she was just five feet tall with the biggest, blondest hair you'd ever seen ("my husband says I look like a Q-tip") and boobs to match - but lordy, she was a spitfire. Nothing ever got her down and she spent most of her time trying to lift others up. In addition to being a big time country music star, she was a philanthropist. She'd even created her own foundation, Dollywood, to support good causes like children's literacy. Not bad for a poor country girl, fourth of twelve, from a family in Tennessee,

Yes, Dolly Parton was indeed some kind of higher level human being and nothing short of a hero to me. She was known for her deeds, but she was also known for her words. She was a little woman with a big mouth, and her country-whip-smart phrases were often quoted and shared - and they always seemed to speak to me. One of my favorites was: "Find out who you are and do it on purpose." Yes, Dolly had saved me more than once.

Hmm, I thought. If Dolly had been there for me in the past, then maybe she could help me now.

"Come on, Dolly," I whispered out loud. "Talk to me." I squeezed my eyes shut and let her music overtake me.

Your laughter brings me sunshine

Everyday is spring time

And I am only happy when you are by my side

I started feeling frustrated right away. Maybe this isn't the song I should be listening to. I was feeling much too cynical, and much, much too raw. How was love ever like a fucking butterfly? It sure hasn't been that way for me, anyway. I thought about my current situation with Zen, and the crooked love triangle I was in with Echo Girl. I thought about Kwang-Jo and just how badly that situation ended.

Damn it, I thought. Whatever happened to fairy tales, happy endings and, yes, butterflies? Why did it always have to be so complicated and hard for me?

I blinked as Dolly's strong sure voice seem to pop out of nowhere in my head:

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."

Hmm, I had to think about that for a moment, but ok, maybe Dolly had a point. Maybe I was expecting too much if I thought love relationships were always going to be easy. Fairy tales, happy endings and butterflies were sweet and all, but if I'm being reasonable, that wasn't necessarily real life, was it? In fact, I considered, couldn't real life be much sweeter? For instance, I thought about the first time Zen kissed me - the moment those gorgeous lips touched mine. They were so warm and so soft, and being that close to him, oh god, he smelled so good. Yeah, I thought smiling to myself, that was a pretty big rainbow moment.

Well, to Dolly's point, that moment may have never happened if Zen hadn't hurt his ankle and needed me to come and cheer him up. That moment may have also never happened had I not downloaded the messenger app at the hacker's request. So much rain, so many rainbows.

Then I smiled to myself. I had another thought about rain and rainbows: wasn't it true that sometimes the rain begets even bigger rainbows? I thought about the huge fight Zen and I had just the other day, the morning after the karaoke night fiasco. How did that fight end? My smile grew wider as I thought about the feeling of his body on top of mine, and the way he breathed my name into my ear as he came. Yup, I thought, definitely a lot of rainbow there.

God, if keeping relationships picture perfect meant giving up those moments, I'll take a complicated and hard relationship any day of the week.

In fact, the more I thought about it, the more ridiculous my need for the Hollywood-ready relationship became. I mean, did I really even want fairy tales, happy endings and butterflies all the time? How much bullshit would that really be? I thought about Echo Girl and Zen in More Than Friends and every other television show and Rom Com I'd ever seen. Did I not know how prefab and predictable those relationships were? I smiled at myself, feeling a little silly. Yes, the more I thought about it, the more I was sure that I didn't really want anything silly or fake like that at all. I wanted the real deal. I was looking for a real prince and princess, not just two people who played them on TV. Sure, it wouldn't always be easy, and it might even be more difficult and complicated and, yes, sometimes sloppy. But it would be real… and worth fighting for.

I sighed, starting to feel the power of Dolly rally around me. Things were starting to come together in my head, and I was starting to feeling better. OK, then, I breathed feeling steady and bold, so what does a "real" prince and princess look like anyway?

To my surprise the answer to that question presented itself very readily. In my mind's eye, I re-framed the conversation I'd had earlier with Zen at the restaurant. This time, though, instead of just feeling angry and hurt, I focused instead on Zen's steady and earnest eyes, the way they looked as he was telling me about his acting methods and Echo Girl. My mouth dropped open and my heartbeat quickened in surprise. Why didn't I see it this way before? Here was Zen sharing himself in such vulnerable way, trusting me with his truth. If that's not love, I thought, then I don't know what is.

I had been so focused on being jealous that I totally missed the point of what Zen was trying to tell me. He was trying to reassure me, to explain why the scenes with Echo Girl seemed so real. He wanted me to know, beyond doubt, that when he was looking at her, he was really looking at me. He wanted me to know that all that expression of love was only really mine.

I was also so focused on myself that I hadn't heard Zen's own concerns about Kyungju. As if the ill-fated flowers and card weren't proof enough, Zen knew for a fact that Kyungju's feelings for him were real. He told me she'd flirted and hit on him more than once, and it was making things awkward.

"I don't think she's going to give up," Zen sighed. "I think she's going to continue to try and make problems for us."

I cringed remembering the crestfallen look on his face. Here's where I should've said something like "don't worry, babe, we're in this together" or "we'll figure this out". But I didn't. I said nothing. I was too busy sulking in my own jealous rage. I shook my head in my hands. I had fucked up. I had fucked up big time.

Suddenly Dolly's voice was inside my head again: "If you don't like the road you're walking, start paving another one."

Yes! Again, Dolly with the solid advice! I was going to have to work harder if I was going to be a better girlfriend. No more holing up in the bedroom crying and feeling sorry for myself, complaining about all the horrible things that were happening to me when I could be out there doing something about them instead.

I rubbed my hands together in anticipation. Finally ready to take action, I asked myself the most important question: What would Dolly do?

I realized without irony that the way I'd been acting so far was probably the exact opposite of what Dolly would do. I had been basically acting like a victim, and a passive victim at that… This was definitely not who I wanted to be ... certainly not who I wanted to be "on purpose". I needed another plan, an actionable plan, and I needed one fast.

It was time to get out there.

"Don't worry, Dolly," I said out loud, and with a slight edge of vengeance in my voice. "I'm not going down without a fight."

I picked up my phone and dialed Saeyoung's number.

Saeyoung picked up on the second ring. "Well, if it isn't the infamous MC," he said. I could hear the big smile on his face in his voice. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"I'll get straight to the point," I said. "I need your help."

"Ya," he said, perking up. "Do I sense a fun project that is right up our alley?"

Saeyoung was sometimes my partner in crime. We both had kind of the same twisted sense of humor, the kind that liked to play harmless pranks on the other RFA members from time to time. Once we even successfully convinced Yoosung that he had a fake condition called Passing Out After Drinking Caffeine Syndrome. Saeyoung went so far as to predict the approximate time Yoosung would pass out and told him the only thing that could save him would be to drink chocolate milk. Of course, I did my part by supporting and backing these assertions, and in general, just egging him on. Yoosung was so convinced that he might die he even confessed to breaking one of Saeyoung's toys. It was hilarious.

"Ya," I said imagining Saeyoung's eager face on the other end of the line. "I think you might love it, but it's serious, too."

"Serious?" Saeyoung said. "Major intrigue… Spill your guts, lady! It's never kind to keep a man in suspense!"

"Well, you know I've been having a little trouble with Echo Girl…"

Author's note: Whew! I struggled with this one... Don't worry, we'll get back to Zen and Jumin next time. Stay tuned! Thanks always for reading, commenting, etc. :-)