Chapter 19: Zen vs. Jumin

Zen stood in front of the elevator staring at the double doors and contemplating the "up" button. Jaehee had pulled some strings and made it possible for him to get past the first round of security at the gates, and then the second round of security in the lobby. Now it was up to him to make it to the 30th floor and convince Jumin to let him in the penthouse. No small order.

Zen sighed and reached deep into the inside pocket of his leather jacket to pull out the allergy pills. As far as cats were concerned, Elizabeth the 3rd was OK. She wasn't one of those types to seek out allergy sufferers and rub up all over them on purpose, but still Zen wasn't taking any chances. He popped three of them before finally pressing the elevator button. "Let's do this," he said to himself and out loud to whoever was listening. No one was.

The elevator doors opened with a smooth "swish" and Zen entered noticing the lack of mirrors and prevalence of "pleasant" music - as in of no specific taste or origin - pumping through the tiniest of speakers. When Zen pressed the button for the 30th floor, an artificial female voice spoke out of nowhere, kind of like Zen would imagine God would do, if he indeed existed. "Jumin Han's premium apartment… elevating now."

Jesus, Zen thought. The elevator was made of pure glass. On the way up, Zen watched in slow motion, as the city of Seoul revealed itself. First there was the eye level view of the buildings, then the bustling streets of cars and motorbikes, followed by the rooftop scenes that varied from garden patios to antenna patterns. Finally the elevator came to rest above it all, somewhere near the skyline. The stars were still shiny, higher and way out of the glare of the city light, and yet the city was still well within sight. It was one of the most beautiful, curated views Zen had even seen. Of course Jumin would live here, Zen thought. Fucking money.

The elevator doors opened onto a long hallway lined with potted plants and windows also made of glass, floor to ceiling. At the end was a single double-wide wooden doorway with a middle age-era iron circular knocker and a placard with no address simply reading "Jumin Han".

Zen pulled out his phone. It was almost eight o'clock, past the dinner hour, but Zen had guessed Jumin hadn't eaten yet. Jaehee mentioned that there had been little movement in and out of the top floor of the penthouse, most likely none. Zen was banking on the fact that Jumin was hungry and so he'd stopped by the specialty grocery store to pick up some "non-commoner" foods, including a bottle of red wine that was way out of his price range and a brick of stinky cheese. Damn, Zen thought to himself. I'm getting soft. He pushed away the thought that showing up with gifts was actually somehow making him seem weak. Who brings host gifts to the dude who slips his girlfriend love potion at a party? Zen tried to rid himself of his irritation by thinking about MC and what she said about Jumin being RFA family. It was true, where would we all be without the people who stood by us when we were making stupid mistakes?

Zen lifted the knocker, let it fall and waited for a response. When he got nothing, he knocked again. God damnit, he thought. What was he going to do? Break down the doors? Now actually being here he realized how impractical that idea was.

In a move of almost desperation he called out, "Jumin?! Are you in there?"

At first there was silence, but then he heard a slight, almost indiscernible rustling sound.

"Jumin?!" Zen said. "Is that you?" He held his breath, listening. " I know you're in there…"

There was another sound that sounded like someone tripping over something left in the hallway, a carelessly discarded pair of shoes or poorly placed briefcase.

"Gah," a voice from inside the door said, a voice that Zen clearly recognized as Jumin's.

"Jumin!" Zen said, feeling his adrenaline start to rise. "I know it's you!" He paused to lick his lips and catch his breath, remembering his true reason for being here, MC, and her caution about his temper. God damn it, he thought, I have to get ahold of myself.

After a few moments of silence, he tried again. "Jumin?" he said, trying to sound kinder. "It's me, Zen." He paused, waiting a moment. Nothing.

Zen glanced down at the bag he was holding. "I have some food," he said. "Some of that rich shit you like, from WholeRealFoods… Yeah, laugh all you want...I went in there…" Zen smiled, recalling the utter unreal experience of having to decide between local, organic and premium wine, and how they all roughly seemed similar, aside from the price tag. How he'd carefully read the descriptions to try and make the best choice, and how that didn't help much at all. One wine was described as being "smokey and distinct", which didn't seem to be correlating adjectives at all. Another was described as being "esteemed and irregular", which didn't seem much different, but seemed, to Zen, to describe Jumin much better. Do you buy a wine to suit a person? Zen wondered, but he didn't know. Like most people, he left the store with a bottle of wine he knew nothing about.

After a few moments of silence, Zen used the knocker to knock again. "Hey dude," he said. "I know you're in there…" he paused to wait for a response, and when he didn't get one, went on. "Look," Zen said. "Saeyoung relayed your coordinates from your cell phone... They say you're in the there…"

Zen knew he was lying through his teeth, but he also knew his lie sounded pretty probable. "Jumin?" Zen said, glancing down at the bag in his hand. "I just want to talk… and I have food…"

There was a pause and then a voice from the other side of the door. "Don't forget that you're also a stubborn ass that would likely camp out on my doorstep for weeks on end if I didn't agree to see you..."

Zen recognized Jumin's voice and smirked. He had a point. Zen knew he would stand out here forever if he had to. He was going to get behind the madness of this love potion business and Jumin's "crush" on MC.

"So what kind of food do you have..." Jumin said through the closed door. "...exactly?"

Ah, so he is interested, Zen thought, feeling satisfied with himself and superior, like he'd already gained the upper hand.

"Uh," Zen said, reaching down inside the bag. "Uh, that haughty stuff you like… Some cheese? A bottle of wine?" Zen frowned. He really didn't know what he had at all beyond those most basic of terms.

He heard movement behind the door and then a click, and then another click releasing two locks. Then the door opened.

Jumin looked like shit. He was wearing a rumpled pinstriped shirt open at the neck and no tie. His hair was unkempt and he hadn't shaved. Zen had to admit, regretfully to himself, that Jumin looked kind of handsome with what was probably a three-day stubble.

"Hey, man," Zen said, extending the arm with the bag. "I brought you some stuff."

"What, is this some sort of peace offering?" Jumin said, looking cross.

"Hardly," Zen spat back hotly. He took at step forward into the penthouse before Jumin could change his mind and shut the door. "Dude," he said. "We need to talk."

"About?" Jumin said, using his business voice.

Zen spun around with a look of complete surprise on his face. "Uh-uh," Zen said. "You do not get to pretend that nothing happened." He paused feeling his blood begin to boil. "The others may be willing to look past this pretty quickly, but I need answers...and a few reassurances from you about what you will and will not do in the future in regard to my girlfriend."

Jumin had walked into the living room, hardly listening, set the bag on the coffee table and began pulling out its contents. He sniffed the cheese. "Ah," he said, appreciatively. "A camembert... " He stuck his face back in the bag. "Did you get any red pepper jam to go with it?"

Zen stared at him with a look of disbelief on his face. "Are you even being serious right now?" Zen said. "Did you just hear what I said?"

Jumin looked up maintaining his usual business-like expression. "Clearly you have some issue you'd like to discuss…" Jumin started.

"You can say that again," Zen said, angrily. "Damn straight… and I really don't like you putting on this farce, pretending like there's nothing going on."

Zen watched in awe as Jumin walked out of the room while he was talking. "Hey, trust fund," he called. "Where the hell do you think you're going?"

Jumin came back into the room a minute later carrying some items on a tray, a couple of plates, wine glasses and what looked to Zen like a baby's knife because it was small and had a round edge. Jumin saw him looking it at.

"It's a cheese knife," Jumin said with a tone that somehow implied "you dumbass" without actually saying the words. "You use it to spread the cheese." With that, he picked it up and demonstrated by spreading some of the creamy cheese on a cracker. Then he handed to Zen.

Zen waved it away. "No way I'm touching that crap, man," he said, sniffing the air. "God, that stinks!" He wrinkled his nose. "I can't believe you eat that shit."

"This 'shit'," Jumin said. "Is imported from the south of France…" he raised his eyebrows. "...and I can't believe you paid for it… How could you afford this?"

Zen was about to say that he couldn't when Elizabeth the 3rd appeared from around the corner. "Oh, there she is," Jumin cooed, and then to Zen's surprise, he bent down and offered the cracker to her. Elizabeth the 3rd sniffed it appreciatively and then began to lap away at the cheese.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Zen said, astonished.

"Elizabeth the 3rd has taste, you see," Jumin said, smiling devilishly. He gestured to the wine. "You want some wine?"

"You know I don't drink that stuff," Zen said, irritated. Here he was trying to be nice and Jumin was just rubbing his face in it.

Jumin's face lit up for an instant. "Ah," he said. "That's right… You know I think I have a can of beer in the ice box…" Before Zen could speak, Jumin disappeared around the corner again. A moment later he came back holding a can of Kass beer. Jumin extended it to Zen in offering.

What the hell? Zen thought. It was his favorite beer, after all and goddamn, he needed a drink right now, and so he took it. "Thanks," he said.

When he pulled back the tab it barely fizzed. Zen made a face.

"Well, it has been in there quite a while," Jumin said. "So I can't speak to its freshness."

Did beer ever go bad? Zen didn't know. He didn't think so. He took a sip. "Ugh," he said, practically spitting it out. "You weren't kidding. This is awful." He set the can down on the coffee table and slunk down in a chair.

"Can we get back to the point?" Zen said, feeling even more frustrated now.

"The point?" Jumin said, still playing coy. He sat down in the chair opposite of Zen and leaned back casually, sipping his wine.

"Yeah, you arrogant prick," Zen said, leaning forward resting his elbows on his knees. His red eyes narrowed. "The reason I'm here… Can we talk about that?"

Jumin took another slow sip of his wine, but didn't say anything. Zen thought he saw something crack behind the hard exterior of his business face, and to his surprise he felt himself all of the sudden feeling a little sorry for him. Not sorry enough, though.

"Well, since you won't say it," Zen said, narrowing his eyes even further. "I will…"

Jumin shifted uncomfortably in his seat, crossing one leg over the other.

"Let's talk about MC and the little crush you seem to have on her," Zen said. "Let's talk about the creepy photos, the ill wish and the love potion…" Saying it out loud Zen was hit again with the sheer magnitude of it all. You would have to be really twisted to even consider these things as ideas. You'd have to be even more twisted to actually go out and pull them off.

Zen looked at Jumin, and he could tell that he was thinking something similar. Zen thought, for an instant, he could see the slow blush of shame creep across the business man's face. He was feeling the heat of shame and regret, all right. Whether or not he was going to cop to it was a different story. Zen caught himself again feeling sorry for Jumin. What a burden it must be to have to carry such a stoic ego around all the time. He literally could never be sorry. He literally couldn't never be wrong. He simply just didn't know how.

Jumin wasn't looking at Zen anymore. He was now staring down at the floor with maybe the saddest face Zen had ever seen. It occurred to Zen that he had actually never seen Jumin looking so dejected. In fact, Zen had never even seen Jumin looking somewhat dejected. It was like he'd lost hold of that ego for moment, like it had slipped down to reveal the reality of who he really was coupled with his hard exterior shell. There they were, the two sides of Jumin's selves, laid bare, and Zen could see they were completely in conflict with each other. Damn, Zen thought, he looks so… broken.

Zen sighed as he felt his heart begin to swell and his anger waver a bit. "Look, dude," Zen said. "We know you didn't mean to do it…" Then as soon as he said, he stopped himself. He ran both his hands through his silver hair in frustration. What was he saying? Was he really just letting Jumin off the hook right now? Damn. No he couldn't do that. Even if it was hard, he had come here to speak his truth, and, damn it all, he would.

"Nah," Zen said, shaking his head. "Actually, scratch that... They think you didn't mean to do it… But, see, I know that you did… You damn well meant to do it, just as sure as you're wishing it had worked right now."

Jumin sighed and took a sip of wine. He lifted his gray eyes to meet Zen's gaze and Zen could almost hear him say "touché". Yeah, Zen thought, I knew it, dickhead. I got your number. Zen went on.

"The thing is, yeah I know about you, I know about how much of a child of Satan you can be sometimes… and, yeah, I'm fucking angry about what you did," Zen said, and he paused to really think about what he was going to say next. It was important. "But I also fucking love you, man," Zen said, feeling tears start to well up in his eyes. He fought them back. He so didn't need to appear weak right now. "I mean, how is that even possible?"

Actually, maybe now Zen did see how that was possible, after seeing those two sides of Jumin. He could totally see how two thoughts, two feelings, two different beliefs could live together side-by-side with each other. It wasn't neat. It wasn't pretty. But it was true, and it was life.

"When the shit was going down for me, that whole Echo Girl fiasco scandal thing…" Zen said, pausing to squeeze his eyes shut for a moment not wanting to remember. "Out of everyone, you were the one...I mean, aside from MC, that is… Who was really there for me… You were the one to say the things that gave me the courage to come back and go on… You were the one to make me feel better." Zen paused again, this time to look Jumin carefully in the face. "Do you remember what it was that you said to me?"

Jumin shook his head slowly, barely perceptible behind the glass of wine lifted to his lips.

"You told me that no matter how stupid a mistake someone makes, you never abandon family..." Zen said, his eyes serious and glazed with tears. "And damn it all to hell if that isn't one of the truest things I've ever heard…" Zen paused to lick his lips and take a breath. "Well, Jumin, like it or not, you're family to me, to MC, to all of us. Our organization wouldn't be the same without you in it."

That said, Zen sat back in his chair. He imagined, in his mind's eye, Jumin as a changed person, reformed. Maybe he'd be a thoughtful, caring and jovial Jumin, someone who was always helpful and ready with a kind word to say. At the same moment he tried to picture it, the picture began to fall apart, and Zen began to laugh. God, he thought, the world was so stupid and beautiful sometimes.

"In fact..." Zen said with a feeling of realization. "...and I can't believe I'm saying this… But the RFA wouldn't be the same without your asshole self, because your asshole self is what makes you you, and that's also important…" Zen paused, looking Jumin purposely in the eye and half way smiling. "How about that? We need each other, you arrogant dick."

Zen thought he saw Jumin slightly smile and nod in the affirmative, but he wasn't sure. Zen thoughts suddenly turned to MC and he remembered the look on her face when she first saw that picture on the cover of Enquire.

"But that doesn't mean you're off the hook," Zen said, getting serious again. "Not with me, anyway." Zen put his hands together thinking about what he was going to say next while Jumin crossed and uncrossed his legs, and then took another sip of his wine.

"So, here's the thing," Zen said, leaning forward. "Although I'm a little less angry than I was when I got here, I still don't forgive you..." Zen paused to hold up a finger. "I'll probably never forgive you, exactly, but…I think I am willing to let it go… on one condition…" Zen paused again for emphasis. He could tell now that Jumin was paying attention, watching with interest, but trying not to look as if he was.

"My one condition is that you have to let it go," Zen said, narrowing his red eyes for effect. "You have to drop this thing with MC..." Zen paused, holding Jumin's gaze, just to show how damn serious he was. "Yeah, dude, you have to drop it, like now."

Zen leaned back in the chair and sat there with his hands on his knees, silent and unwilling to break his red eyes from Jumin's gray ones. Jumin stared back for what seemed to Zen like ages. Finally, Jumin sighed, looked away and then he spoke. Two words only.

"Fair enough," he said, and then he took a long sip of his wine.

Author's note: ...damn, you go, Zen! Man, I hope this was as fun to read as it was to write! Thanks (always) for reading, reviewing, feedback, etc. Putting the question out there to you all: The new party coordinator is probably going to make an appearance soon... what attributes do we think are a good match for Jumin?