17

Happy and I both sat on the bed staring at the white envelopes. I glanced at him to see his wasn't open. I looked up at him.

"You didn't open yours?" I asked. He just shook his head staring at the white folded envelope.

"Nah." he replied. I didn't know why I was so nervous about this. I used birth control, which I would definitely need to get back on soon, and condoms with men. But seeing any test can make you doubt yourself sometimes. I inhaled some and just nodded.

"Let's do it." I said and he nodded and we both tore open the pages of our tests and pulled them out. We were both quiet as we scanned over the pages. Luckily the STI's tested for and the results were all highlighted. I smiled now. All negative. Clean. I looked at Happy and he looked up at me and we both looked at each other's papers before switching in unison. We both looked back down at our pages and I looked at his results. Negate. Clean. Thank god. I looked back at Happy to see him smiling as well before looking up at me.

"You know what we gotta do to celebrate right?" he asked, his gravely tone, was deep and filled with hidden intention. I smiled back at him and watched him move over to me, his hand wrapping around my neck and pulling me in to meet his lips. I leaned in to him and pulled him onto my body. My body ached, but I pushed past it. However, Happy's body lying on mine made my body jump with pain. I hissed some and he leaned his weight off me, looking at me deeply. I can see he completely forgot I was recovering and he winced some.

"Right. Sorry. We should wait. I don't want to add to anymore of your pain." he offered looking over my face. Have we ever waited before? I don't think we have. I sighed some.

"Waiting isn't what we do." I said softly, and he gave a tired half smirk.

"I know. But for this it's worth it." he said moving to lie behind me. He pulled me into his chest and I exhaled with relief feeling this again. Our bodies together. It was quiet for a moment as we just lied there. "I was scared." I lifted my head some toward him before turning to face him.

"Scared? Of what?" I asked. Happy Lowman feared nothing, ever. He looked down and then up at me.

"I was scared that you were dead, when your phone was disconnected and I don't know something inside me was starting to break. Like my mind was separating from the world and everything around me. People talked to me and I couldn't register anything at all." he explained, and I realized he was showing a side he has never shown before. Vulnerability. Happy shook his head slowly taking my hand and bringing it to his chest. "I didn't like this feeling at all. I couldn't explain it and I couldn't stop it as it grew inside my mind each day you weren't here and me not knowing what happened. It only subsided when I found your car and felt you were alive." His heart beat was increasing as he spoke, as if he was having anxiety. But as he calmed down, the hard thumping did as well.

I looked at him with soft understanding eyes as I raised my hand to caress his face. I knew I would only see this side of him at night and beneath my sheets. And that's okay. My thumb lightly ran over his lips.

"Are you falling in love with me?" I gently asked. He just nodded. I figured he'd have to think about it, but he didn't. His eyes were different, gentle and almost innocent.

"Yes." he stated firmly, and I smiled and leaned in and kissed him gently, letting my lips linger for a few seconds.

"The feeling's mutual. Even though I thought I would be the one to admit it first." I teased gently and he shrugged.

"I can take it back and you can say it first." he said and I shook my head.

"Nah, it's out in the universe now. You can't take it back." I replied.

"I wouldn't want to." He said. I smirked.

"Lord, a girl raised by cannibals and a serial killer. We make quite a pair." I replied.

"A badass pair." he affirmed not even trying to protest the fact I called him a serial killer. I continued to smile at him, happy to be lying here staring at him. But something was creeping into my mind that I couldn't stop thinking of.

"Hey… why do you think Alvarez, let me go so easily? It couldn't have been what I said to him." I replied. Could it? Happy shook his head.

"Yeah I been thinking of that too. Maybe this is way of saying we owe him one. Or maybe he thought eventually we would find out about his family here. He doesn't want to see them hurt." he said and I nodded thinking of Abby. By mentioning her I put her life into SAMCRO and I looked at Happy with curiosity.

"Would you kill a child?" I asked lowly and he stared me with the same calm eyes.

"If SAMCRO asked me too." he replied staring at me with mild intensity as if gauging my reaction. Of course, I didn't like the answer, but I couldn't change it either. This was who he was. SAMCRO is Happy's life. I even had to dance with the thought that he would kill me if he was told to. Luckily, I would never do anything to put him in that position. I just nodded and finally curled under his arm.

"I have to buy another phone tomorrow and a car. I want to go back to work in the next week or so." I informed.

"I can get you a car." he replied. I shook my head.

"No. You'll probably get me a car someone died or fucked in." I replied.

"I would not!" he protested as if offended. We fell into silence and soon fell asleep. I don't know when my body started to panic as the accident replayed into my mind. AJ's face glaring at me with hatred as he walks into my class room. I see him in my nightmares. He's on top of me raping me, my mind says. Now we're in the car rolling to our deaths.

I gasp and sit up and am met with the sun in my room. I looked back to see Happy's gone and my shower was on in the bathroom. I calmed my breathing and thought about my dreams. All I can see is Weston's face, the trauma is so bad. But Happy would make me smile. I slowly move from the bed and moved over to the bathroom. I felt light as a feather as I walked inside. My shower curtain was closed, but it was transparent. Inside was a pale complexion bathing. My brows pushed together in confusion as I stepped closer to the bathtub.

"Happy?" I asked. The curtain pushes back and Weston's there. His hand shoots out and grabs me and he just pins me to the wall, his gun in his hand.

"Black whore." he says lowly. I scream hard and once more, my eyes snap open and I sit up and look around quickly. Where was I? My room? It's dark and I'm freaking out. I cry out a bit and immediately I feel a hand on my shoulder.

"Hey hey! It's okay." I look at Happy and he's sitting there looking at me. I pant gently as I looked around for a moment. God this was worse than I thought as I placed my face into my hands.

"Shit." I whispered lightly looking at Happy. "You have to kill him Happy. You have to find him and make him suffer. Promise me." His hands grip my face and he nodded.

"I will make him bleed slowly baby." he promised. His words comforted me when they shouldn't. But they did. I know he's killed men to help find me and I knew I couldn't doubt his ability to kill someone for me. I didn't fall back asleep after that. I wouldn't stop Happy from sleeping, but I waited for the sun to come up. I guess this is a good time to think. I glanced over at Happy and just leaned on my side facing him.

Things were no longer the same anymore as long as he remained in my life. If I wanted him, I'd have to have all of him. I couldn't pick and choose what side I got, because you couldn't do that with him. Tara mentioned a while back that she secretly wished Jax wasn't in this life. But this life can't be easily left. You have to stack a lot of bodies up before you can disappear. That's what I did when I wanted to leave my family. I packed a bag and ran as far away as possible. They were my bodies to stack as I sacrificed our secret to the police. But they fled and I thought I would be looking over my shoulder forever. But I was sure they wouldn't find me. No one would think I would come back after fleeing right?

Happy is a quiet sleeper. He doesn't snore or groan or move about. I looked at his hand and gently touched it, raising it to my chest so he could feel my heart beat as he does my hand when I sleep. There's a certain peace to this, hearing the heart of someone you love. I hate that I am in love with him, only for the fact that we cannot live forever. But I guess fucking things up on this earth a good way to live. I'm here for a good time, not a long time.