Trigger warning still applies.
James POV.
It was the last day of the half term. Of possibly the most difficult half term in my life. Made even harder by the screaming I'd subjected myself to again by trying to see Briar this morning. Dom had been with her and, thankfully, held B back from me otherwise I think she'd have done some serious damage.
"You," Freddie jabbed his knife at me over breakfast. Not that I was eating much. "Need to let your hair down."
"I'm good."
"Fred's right for once, James." Sam sighed. He'd joined us on the Gryffindor table - not unusual. I had intentionally sat with my back to the Ravenclaw table. "It might do you some good."
"It wont."
"Well why don't you come down to the party tonight," Sam offered. "If you hate it, you can go off and do whatever you want. No questions asked."
"No questions asked?" They looked between each other and both held their hands in surrender.
"No questions asked."
Hours later, I found myself in the middle of the common room with a large bottle of something that smelled strongly like paint thinner with loud music blaring and bodies gyrating around me. I didn't feel the need to cry anymore. I didn't feel angry. I didn't even want her. I just felt numb. And it felt good. Every so often someone would make contact with me, either accidentally or on purpose. Someone kept replacing my bottle whenever it got low, and I wasn't complaining. The dull buzz the alcohol was giving me was pure bliss. The more I drank, the less I noticed. The less I cared.
My head pounded, each thud hitting harder with each rock of the train. Sam had passed me a vial of a hangover cure as we'd boarded the train, almost too late, and tutted at me. Interestingly, Albus didn't seem to know anything about my involvement over what had happened this week, so apparently gossip doesn't work all that well all of the time. Or people just didn't think I was a detail was worth talking about. He - like everyone else - knew what had happened to Briar to some extent.
"There you are, Jamie," came the droll sounds of my ex-girlfriend. "I heard you had a lot of fun last night." I closed my eyes, begging the ache in my head and chest to disappear.
"A little too much fun, perhaps?" Chimed in one of her little laggies - the little blonde bouncy thing. The others giggled around her.
"Oh just piss off." Sam snorted into his book as I dismissed the gaggle and shut the compartment door with my foot. "And you can shut it too."
"Still hung over?" I grunted. "Serves you right to be fair."
"What did I actually do last night?"
"Lola Crowley."
"And, Emily Thorn." Freddie nodded. "Probably. At the very least it was a decent make out session because neither of you were in much of a talking shape by that point."
"Oh for fucks sakes." I wanted to be sick. I didn't even remember seeing either of them at the party, never mind doing anything with anyone. "You're joking right?"
"Oh I wish," Sam muttered. "I need to get a bell for you so I can find you without having to bleach my eyes again."
"Or" Freddie giggled. "James could just get better hiding spots?"
We carried on the mindless banter the whole journey home. It felt nice. It felt normal. I didn't feel like a grieving parent anymore. I felt like a normal 17 year old.
Home was a different story. I felt like I was the only person in the room let in on the worst secret known to man. I robotically ate my meal, excusing myself quickly to my room. Mum and Dad had shared a looked, but said nothing. I briefly considered if they knew.
No. If they knew, they wouldn't have just accepted this laying down. I'd have been torn a new one for this. I know I shouldn't have been partying last night. I know I should be at Briar's side right now. But she doesn't want me there. Tears silently fell down my cheeks and I hated myself. For everything. If I'd just paid the slightest bit more attention in the first place, none of this would have happened. It's my fault Briar is led in a hospital bed, in pain and grieving. I was the one that came onto her. I let out the sob that had been sitting in my chest.
The sun had set. The house would be dead now. No one would see if I was to sneak down for a little something to help ease the pain and help me get some sleep.
I'd spent the whole half term in a certain level of drunk. Slipping alcohol into my coffee, a water bottle and hiding it in my room or topping off a soda with colourless spirits. The burn kept the pain away and it was easier to convince myself that everything was okay. I packed myself a final 'hoorah' in a flask, telling Mum it was a caffeine boost, for the train. Sam eyed me suspiciously while Freddie chatted, basically to himself, the whole ride. I ignored him, though I could feel him burning holes into me every time I took a swig from my flask.
I was out of my seat before the train had finished lurching to a stand still. I left my bag, someone, or something, would bring it upstairs, they always did, and raced out of the station. My heart began a sickening death march up the gravel. Each step I took matched to a deafening thump threatening to break my ribs. I just needed to get to my bed. To the stash of snuck in alcohol we saved for parties hidden under my bed.
Nobody bothered me when they made their way upstairs. Freddie drew back the curtain but quickly left it shut again when he thought I was asleep.
Before the others woke, I'd dragged myself to the bathroom, thrown up, showered, dresses and already helped myself along to a nice level of buzzed ready to face the day. If I could convince the world I was okay, maybe I really would be? It was early so not many people would already be downstairs for breakfast. But she was an early bird. Maybe She'd be there already, trying to eat before it got busy? The idea that I needed to speak to her filled me with some stupid purpose and I set off out of the Gryffindor tower like a man on a mission. I didn't stop, even when I heard my name being called in the corridor, I needed to get to the Great Hall. I needed to see if she was there.
When I got to the door, however, I stopped. Bravado all used up in getting here. The sobering reality of what we actually would need to talk about hit me. I could see her already, sitting across from Dominique, with a coffee in her hand. Her hair looked limp and was hastily thrown up in a pony tail at the back of her head. None of her usual bouncy curls. She was wearing her glasses, which wasn't her usual, and it made her look entirely different. If I hadn't been scanning the room for her, and if she hadn't been sat holding hands with Dom, I wouldn't have even noticed it was her.
"B," My voice was shaky and I didn't even register walking through the Great Hall to her side. She didn't even look at me. I sighed and slid onto the bench next to her. "B, please."
"'Please' what, James?" Her voice was weak and hoarse, like she hadn't used it much in a while.
"I just-"
"'Just' what?"
"Briar," Dominique hushed but Briar just held up the hand that had been holding her coffee to silence my cousin.
"Don't," She whispered back. "I can't do this, James." She said a bit louder. "Whatever it is you wanted to say, I don't want to hear it. I can't even look at you right now, James. It's ... It's too much." She said finally before getting up and leaving me sitting with my cousin.
"She's hurting, James." Dom tried to offer weakly.
"And I'm not?"
"That's not what I meant," Dom grabbed my hand over the table and squeezed. "A lots happened. Give her some time and she'll come round."
"You sure?" Dom hesitated before nodding. My heart hit the floor and I numbly turned to go back to the dorm. I needed a drink.
The days passed in a blur of sometimes appearing in lessons, trying to coax myself to eat and navigating my growing need for numbness. After a couple of weeks, I found a second vice to add to my drinking habit. Girls. I couldn't name them or even promise things had been safe. But for the briefest moments, I could feel something other than pain or the soothing numbness that came with the drinking. Sam knew by now what was going on. Him and Fred had had a fall out over it. Sam thinks I'm too far into 'a cycle of self destruct' but Fred rightly thinks I just need to get everything out of my system. I promised both that if I'm still this way out by Christmas, I'll tell my parents. But that was 3 weeks ago. And now Christmas is in 3 weeks. And the fact that I was currently pushing some willing lady friends against a wall in the forth floor corridor while she gasped and moaned into my mouth in time with the rubbing of my palm against her. I finished up, with her and made my way to bed. Numb and feeling, for now at least.
It felt like my head had only just hit the pillow before I was being shaken awake. I blinked into bright light trying to make sense of the room between the shaking, the light and my raging hang over. I whined and tried to roll back away.
"Get up, James." Freddie shouted. "We don't have time for your shit now, Briar is missing."