Isabella

Alice sits down in front of me. I could still smell the coffee on her breath. She touched my hand, garnering my attention. Even through my tear-filled vision, she looked perfect. Alice always looked perfect. Perfect nails. Perfect hair. Perfect smile… perfect life. I don't know why she bothered with me. I don't know why anyone did.

"Tell me what's wrong. What did my idiot brother do now?" she rolls her eyes.

I shake my head back and forth, telling her that it was nothing. That Edward and I were fine and that she didn't need to get involved. I didn't want her to get involved. I wanted her to stay out of it because I was old enough to fight my own battles.

"What. Did. He. Do?" her voice hardens. "I'll beat his ass for you. I've done it before."

"Alice," my voice is urgent. "There is no need for that. I'm fine."

"You don't look fine." Rose buts in. Her bluntness never failed to surprise me. I look away from her prying eyes, wishing they would leave already.

"What the fuck did you do?" She stomps forward, pulling Edward up to his feet by the ear.

"Owwww," he whimpers. "Knock it off!"

"Not until you tell me what you did to her!"

Alice had joined in. She and Rose ganged up on Edward, fighting in my defense. But was it really necessary?

"It was noth-"

"Don't you dare say it was nothing! If it was nothing then she wouldn't be crying on the ground right now!"

"Well, maybe if you weren't acting all psycho then she wouldn't be cry- owww," he whines in pain at the twisting of his ear.

Edward looked pathetic, crying like a baby. Rose was going easy on him. The fire in her eyes had him cowering in fear. There was much worse she could do. I didn't want to see him go through this. There were few people Edward was afraid of and Rosalie Hale was at the top of the list. Her hand connects with his face, sending a shockwave around the room.

"Awww fuck!" he groans. He rubs the red spot on his cheek, trying to cool the burn.

Despite my obvious distaste for Edward I didn't want to see him in pain.

I can't deal with this anymore. The constant noise. The questions. I could hear the sound of knocking. Knocking, knocking, knocking in my head. The sound of banging and slamming and hammering. Everything was too chaotic. The ground rumbled from underneath my body. The trembling became harder and harder. I ran faster and faster, unable to feel my feet. I was floating away with the wind. I was floating far far away where no one could find me.

My eyes flutter open and I look around. There were no cars in sight. No noise besides the chirping of the birds. I was completely and utterly alone, standing on the side of route 127. I must have been about four or five miles away from their house. My heart raced against my chest and my limbs shook from the adrenaline. I was in the middle of nowhere but I didn't care.

It was embarrassing that I freaked out over a kiss. I thought that I had everything under control. I wanted to have everything under control but something always set me back. How could I go out with Demitri today if I couldn't even let another person kiss me much less touch me?

If I were to lay in the road, I'd be dead instantly. Cars don't stop on this road. My foot inches forward into the gravelly road. It went on for miles and miles, vast nothingness. This was the perfect way to go.

Just do it, Isabella. Get it over with. Death was what you wanted, wasn't it? What's stopping you now?

This is what I could control. I could control my death. Nobody could tell me how to do that. It's not like I wanted to die, I just want the pain to end. It never will as long as Jacob is still around. As long as Angela is still around. As long as Edward continues to torment me with all of these different emotions.

My parents barely thought about me. I'd alienated myself away from almost everyone. The one person who did care about me… I'd never be enough for them.

That's why I walk into the road and layback. The gravel is rough and rocky, jabbing me in the skin. My eyes shut, trapping me in the darkness.

It felt like I should be crying. Isn't that what normal people do when they are dying? I just felt numb.

I felt indifferent.

Aloof.

Dispassionate.

Impassive.

Distant.

Stiff.

I felt emotionless.

I think of my parents. Conjuring up all of the good memories. My mom used to sing me the routine before bedtime; seven handpicked songs to help me fall asleep, although she was the one who usually passed out before me. Her voice was soft like velvet and she made each song her own.

I miss that. I miss us singing the routine and having mommy and daughter days and feeling like she was my best friend. I miss the way that we used to be. Emmett wasn't the favorite. I was the youngest and cutest kid so all the attention was on me. Emmett was just the class clown always getting in trouble. I was the straight-A- student shedding some, much needed, good light on our family. Emmett wasn't popular. He didn't play football. He didn't have Rosalie Hale. He was just my annoying funny older brother. I had him all to myself.

I rest my hands on my stomach and just wait. I wait for a car to come and finish the job. Everyone thinks about the pain that will come when you will die. The excruciating agonizing pain you will go through. I don't like to think about that. Yes, the pain will be there but for how long? What is a millisecond of pain for a lifetime of peace and clarity?

That is why I'm not scared. The outcome will be worth it and I won't have to worry anymore. Edward won't have to worry anymore. Emmett won't have to worry anymore. All the worries will be gone from our lives and maybe.

But that's not what happens. I am all alone. It's been two hours. Two fucking hours and not a single car has come by. Was the world against me or something? How hard is it to die? I could have easily taken a bullet to my head by now and been done with it. Someone should have been looking for me. Edward should have been looking for me. Or perhaps they haven't noticed my absence. Rosalie looked as if she were about to castrate Edward.

I open my eyes to see a haze of green and blue above me. The trees were blowing in the wind. The sky was starting to gray. Where the fuck was everyone? It didn't make sense. I push myself up and decide to continue to walk alongside the road. I hadn't even moved a foot before I felt drops land on my skin. I look up to the sky nearly darkened as clouds move in.

"Oh, fucking hell!" I scream. My foot stomps on the ground and I growl in frustration. A sudden icy downpour landed upon me. The roads always got flooded when it rained. That is why nobody was out.

Shit.

I was only wearing my clothes from the party last night. My teeth chattered and I rubbed my arms together to generate body heat. I didn't want to die from hypothermia. That was a pathetic way to go. I sped up, hoping that I'd be near civilization soon.

I don't know how long it was but through the rain, I heard the faint sound of a car. I stop and turn around to see headlights heading my way and without thinking, I run into the road and that is when everything goes sour.

Was I dead?

I'd like to believe that I was. The darkness and the sound of nothing surrounded me. I had longed for this for so long but something wasn't right. Dead people didn't have thoughts. They didn't feel pain.

But I could feel pain. I could hear voices. I wanted to return to the darkness. I wanted to bask in the emptiness of my mind but my body wouldn't allow me. A person was mumbling and the sound of beeping.

I wasn't dead. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. This was a cruel twist of fate. I was just a pawn in the devil's game and he would keep on using me over and over again until he was done. In life, I was just surviving but death offered me an escape. An escape from all of the pain and misery. Being buried six feet under was better than having to wait for Jacob's next attack.

This just went to prove that the odds were in his favor. I couldn't even properly kill myself.

I hear the echo of my name. It's the same voice from earlier. He sounded desperate, scared, and exhausted. I yearn for the darkness to go away just for a second. I want to see the man who is calling my name with such emotion. I want a way out of this suffocating darkness.

It felt as if I was floating to the top of the water. The water was becoming warmer as I became more coherent. As my mind cleared the pain became more prominent. A searing pain ran up my leg and my head felt like it had been smashed with a hammer a thousand times.

"Bella, honey?"

It's Carlisle.

"C' mon dear, open your eyes. You are safe now. Esme and I are here for you. There is no need to be afraid."

There is every reason to be afraid but like the baby I am, I yearn for his touch. I yearn for Esme's soft motherly love. I want to be held in her arms like when I was young. I want them to tell me everything is going to be alright.

"Bella?" her voice raises in pitch. "We are so sorry." she softly cries.

Now, I am confused. Why is she crying? What did she do? As far as I know, I've been a complete bitch to them. I've alienated them out of my lives all because they just wanted to help me. They care about me and I've treated them like shit.

With all of my strength, I will myself to open my eyes. I promise that I will do better. I will be better. I don't want to disappoint Esme and Carlisle. I wince as my eyes slowly fluttered open. Shapes and colors filled my vision causing me to squint away from the harsh light. I could make out two figures standing to the left of the bed.

Carlisle and Esme.

There is a needle that is attached to the wire that disappears into my hand. A box displays information and beeps every second. A warm blanket covers my body up to my chest and I relax back into the pillows.

I am in a hospital.

I look back at Esme and her stained tear face. She reaches out and gently rests her hand upon my cheek. I all but nuzzle it, wanting her to come closer. Esme offered safety. She offered warmth.

"We were so worried," she whispered. "Do you remember what happened?"

I nod my head. There was a car and it hit me. I stepped into the road on purpose but I didn't die.

"We hit you in the road, Bella." Esme cries. "We could barely see. You just appeared and it was too late to stop. I'm so so sorry."

Shame filled my stomach. I'd have to try harder next time. Death was what I wanted… what I needed.

"It's al-right." my voice croaks. "It's not like you were trying to kill me."

The corners of her mouth turn up into a little smile and she playfully glares at me. "Right now is not the time to joke, missy."

"Alright, mom."

Esme rolls her eyes, sadly smiling at me. She looks up to Carlisle who is fondly watching our interaction. He looked worn out, stressed and everything up above. It was my fault.

"What are my injuries?" I cautiously ask Carlisle.

"You were lucky. I was driving slowly so the injuries aren't as bad as they could be. You broke your femur and have a concussion."

He watches for my reaction and seems concerned when there is none. I could deal with a broken bone. It isn't the worst thing that has happened to me.

"How are you feeling? Does anything hurt? You arrived at the hospital a few hours ago."

"I'm fine." I simply say.

I was always one to downplay situations, never liking the attention. When I was younger, most of my injuries went unnoticed as I never mentioned them until someone noticed.

"Don't say that your health is very serious. If you are in pain then you should tell me." his voice hardened. "You were given pain medicine when you arrived but we can get you some ibuprofen if you need it."

"My leg is sore and my head is pounding. It feels like I have been run over by a bus." I snap. "Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"Thank you." is all he says, unfazed by my attitude. "On a level from one to ten, how much pain are you in?"

"Ten."

"Alright." Carlisle reaches over me to press the nurse call button.

A few moments later a young woman walks in. My eyes are immediately attracted to her scarred face. It looked as if she had been dipped in acid because half of her face was severely scratched. Despite her one abnormality, she was beautiful. She had long flowing jet black hair and tan skin.

She smiles and walks over to my bedside. "My name is Emily Young. I'm glad to see that you're awake. You had a lot of us worried."

She starts pressing buttons on the monitors and checks the tube in my hand. "Have you checked her over yet, Dr. Cullen? I know it's hard not to be able to work on her case."

"You caught me." he holds his hands up in surrender. "She said that her pain is at a ten. I was thinking to give her two ibuprofen for now."

"That's just what I would suggest."

Emily writes it down on a piece of paper. She looks up at me and says, "I'm going to go get Dr. Gerandy as well so just hang tight. I'll be back soon."

She exits the room, leaving the three of us alone.

"Where are my parents?" I ask.

Carlisle and Esme look at each other with an expression that says,

they-don't-want-to-make-my-pain-worse.

"We called them when we arrived but we couldn't reach your mother and your father couldn't leave work. Your dad said that he should be able to leave in a couple of hours so must be on his way."

I expected as much. Work always came before the family. Wait, no. Work always came before me. I wasn't the most important child so they took their time. If it were Emmett in the hospital right now, my dad would have left work right away, even if it meant being fired.

"But all of the kids are in the waiting room." Esme said. "Only three people are allowed in here and we didn't want to overwhelm you. We can get Emmett if you want."

I shake my head back and forth. I didn't want to see my brother or anyone else for that matter. I couldn't stand to see the pity in their eyes.

"Alright if that's what you want." her voice falters.

Carlisle pulls up a chair beside the bed and sits down. His lips press into a thin line and he sighs a deep breath. He and Esme glance at each other, having some sort of unspoken communication before turning back to me.

"Bella," he breathes. "Esme and I wanted to talk to you about something very concerning we were told earlier today."

"What?" my stomach turns.

I already know what it is. Damn you, Edward. I don't think that I can lie myself out of this talk. Carlisle was too perceptive. Esme was too caring.

"Someone-"

Edward.

"Someone told us that you wanted us to leave you to die in the woods last year. Tha-that you didn't want to be found. Is this true?" Carlisle is holding back his tears. His hands are in fists and his jaw is clenched.

"Yes." I say barely above a whisper.

Fuck the truth. There was no point in hiding it.

"Why were you walking in the road?" Esme's voice wavers.

"Why do you think?" it didn't take a smarty to realize. Death was the only thing that would calm my mind.

"Are you saying that you intended to die? You intended for a car to hit you?" her voice raises in distress.

I nod my head up and down, increasing the pain. I pick the lint off the bed, focusing on anything but the two people sitting next to me.

"You were trying to commit suicide." Carlisle breathes under his breath. "Do you understand how serious this is? Your behavior isn't healthy."

"Don't I have a say in how I live my life? I should get to choose when I live in die. It's my right."

"No, Isabella. Death is not a choice that you get to make. You are very sick and need help."

"I don't want help." I angrily say.

"Well if you don't allow us to help you then I'll be forced to have you committed for a 72-hour evaluation-"

"Carlisle." Esme gasps.

"You are not my dad! You can't force me!" I cry.

"However, I am a doctor. Based on everything I've heard and seen the past year, you need help and your parents will agree."

"I hate you." I scoff. "I HATE YOU SO MUCH!"

"He doesn't have to do that Bella." Esme pleads with me. "Just tell us what is wrong. I know that you are hurting so much. We can only help you as much as you'll allow. You have the power to change all of this."

Author's Note:

Hi y'all! I'm back! Thank y'all for your patience the past week and the reviews and everything! It means so much! I should update again by next week or sooner!