Isabella
"Get me out of here."
"Bell-" Esme sighs.
"Now!" I hiss. I look up to her and Carlisle from across the table. They had brought a backpack full of items for my stay. The nurse took it away to "inspect" it. I'm pretty sure she was confiscating everything as we spoke. This place was run like a prison. Esme looked as if she had aged ten years. There was a look of stress on her face as she bit back what she was about to say.
"You know full well that we can't do that. You have one more day left and if your doctors feel that you've improved, you could come home." says Carlisle. "We can't help you until you learn to help yourself. How many more times do I need to tell you this?"
"Only a hundred more."
Carlisle shook his head knowing nothing had changed and I wasn't going to be released. I bet he wanted me to stay. I caused so many problems, I'm surprised that they haven't given up on me.
"How has it been so far? Have people been treating you nicely?" Esme tries to soothe the tension.
"I hate my roommate."
"Why?" she's taken aback.
"She's a psychotic bitch." I snort. "If given the chance, I'm pretty sure she'd kill me in my sleep."
"You don't know that she doesn't like you." Esme says. "How about you give her a chance."
"I'd rather drink bleach."
"Don't say that." Carlisle sighs. "This is the whole reason we had you committed in the first place. You can't make those kinds of remarks."
I tap my fingers against the table and clench my jaw. Stay calm. Stay calm. "I don't… I don't know how much longer I can stay here." I twirl a loose strand of hair around my finger. I pouted and looked up at the two of them. "I'll go anywhere but here. You can't let them keep me."
"Tomorrow is the final day and we'll just have to go from there." said Esme. "I know that you don't like this but I don't know how many times we have to tell you, we're just trying to help."
"How come you can't tell them that I'm fine and go home?"
Carlisle sighs, giving me the look- are you serious right now? I stare back with pleading eyes, hoping that he'll cave. "Based on everything we've heard and seen, you are in no condition to leave this facility unless you can be guaranteed proper care once home."
"Can't I go home with you?" they said I could before. Who better to watch over me than a fucking doctor!
"We discussed the possibility with our lawyer but it's a very complicated long process. You wouldn't be placed with us right away. There would have to be a trial to determine whether you are in actual need of a new home and until then you would be placed with a foster family."
I could feel the rhythm of my heart, thumping against my chest. I didn't want to live with strangers. I didn't want to be here. I just wanted to go home. Except I no longer had one. I didn't have any place to call my own.
"Is there anything else we can do?" I whisper. I couldn't go back to my parents. Everything was falling apart and it's all my fault. I don't want to be a burden to them any longer. "What if… what if my parents let me stay with you? It'll be like having a sleepover and we don't need to go through the court system!"
"That's a big risk-"
"I don't care!"
Esme rests her hand on top of mine, calming me down before I attract the attention of the nurse. "Just focus on resting for now. We'll deal with everything else when it comes time."
My knee bounces up and down. I count the ticks on the clock, tuning out everything around me. I was going to be stuck here forever in a drug-induced state of mind. I would never be free.
Esme says something else. I don't respond. My eyes drift to the other side of the room. We were in the common space. Other families were sitting with their children at different tables. There's a girl hunched over in the corner. She's talking to a young boy, younger than her. It looks like she's crying. I glance away when the boy's head turns towards me. Esme is still saying something. I've missed all of it. Would it be rude of me to ask her to repeat what she said?
"Isabella?" Carlisle lightly touches my arm.
Goosebumps light up my skin and I can't help but shiver. He doesn't move his hand away and I start to fade away again. I don't like touching. I didn't ask to be touched and I don't want to be touched. I shake my head, trying to rid the thoughts from my mind. This was Carlisle. Carlisle Cullen. My dad for all intent and purposes. He wouldn't hurt me. He wouldn't… I hope.
Somebody walks up behind me. They squat in front of me, blocking Esme and Carlisle. "Can you focus on my voice, Isabella?"
I don't respond. I feel her warm hands touching my wrist. Two fingers on my pulse. My heartbeat was fast… too fast. One, two, three, four… calm down. My head feels fuzzy. The lady's voice is urgent. My chest heaves up and down and wet drops are falling from my eyes. I can taste the saltiness in my mouth. Five, six, seven, eight… it's getting hard to breathe. I'm drowning.
The girl sitting with the boy on the other side of the room gets up. She walks my direction, looking at me with squinty red eyes. It was Nessie. The woman next to her mumbles something and she looks away. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve.
I look down at the woman in front of me. I think she mentioned something about medication because the next thing I know, someone gives her several pills. I take the cup of water and down them, not asking what they are. I just want to feel numb again.
I can hear Esme crying in the background but the noise fades and it feels like I'm floating. My head is in the clouds and I feel content for once. All the noise and chaos has gone away. I'm free… for now.
Saturday, September 20, 2019
Dear diary,
This is my first time actually writing in you. The therapist, Carmen expects us to share during circle time but I've yet to. I expect her to call on me one of these days. All I can say right now is that my heartaches. My head aches. Everything aches. I didn't think it was possible to hurt and feel numb at the same time. I wanted to be gone. I wanted to be away. It's been ten days since the panic attack. That's what the doctors said it was- a panic attack. I haven't had another one since. I scared Esme half to death but she and Carlisle still come every day to visit. I could have been released September 14th but I wasn't. I'm supposed to stay until I've become better but I'm not sure that will even be possible.
My birthday was a week ago and I got a little slice of cake. Me and Nessie ate it together under the watchful eyes of the Wicked Bi- wait, no. I promised myself, I'd stop calling her that. Her name is Rachel- under the watchful eyes of Rachel, my orderly. Nessie didn't mention my episode and I didn't mention the boy. Some topics we just stay away from. Esme and Carlisle gave me a birthday card that was signed by everyone, including Emmett. My parents gave me nothing. Carlisle and Esme said that they had presents for me at home for when I leave. It feels weird to be sixteen. I should be getting my permit right now, having a sweet sixteen, partying with Angela. If you had told my fifteen-year-old self a year ago where I'd be today, I think I would have jumped off a bridge to save myself from all the pain.
Esme told me yesterday that Emmett wanted to visit but I told her, "no." I didn't want him to see me like this. I didn't want anybody to see me like this. It hurt too much. I didn't think it would be so painful when Esme was upset. I don't like making her cry. She's the kindest woman there is and I'm an awful human being. I can't let Emmett come. Then I'll be an awful sister.
The doctor diagnosed me with OCD. I talk to Dr. Haggerty about the compulsions every day. I hated him at first but now I think I can tolerate him. In a way, I guess he's helped a lot because I'm not so manic anymore. I still count in my head. Even if I don't say it aloud, I count in my mind and tap my foot on the ground until I've got to fifteen. I'm getting at least twelve hours of sleep now. It's the pills they give. They knock me out right away and I can have a sleepless night. There is no need to worry about someone finding me or my roommate killing me. She barely pays attention to me now.
I've gained two pounds in the past four days. The doctor says that I'm slowly improving even if it doesn't feel like it. I think they'll say anything to us to keep the crazy away. Most days now, I'm just passing by, barely present but still conscious. They like to keep me subdued and docile. I'm fine with it because it's better than having breakdowns every waking moment. Dr. Haggerty says that I need to work on conveying what I'm feeling. I can't ignore my emotions forever. Whatever is bothering me needs to be released before I can start myself on the real path to recovery. I sit in the stained yellow cushioned couch every day and nod my head, knowing that it's a load of bull.
Sunday, September 21, 2019
Dear diary,
Dr. Haggerty asked me today what I wanted to be when I grew up. I told him that I wanted to be a doctor. An award-winning surgeon that does groundbreaking surgeries and wins medical awards. He asked me why I wanted to be a doctor. I shrugged my shoulders and said, "just cuz." that answer wasn't enough for him. Nothing is ever enough for him. I tell him about my day and eating a couple more bites of the rancid chicken and snapping at Rachel when she helped me in the bathroom. I complained about the two idiot girls in class who make snide comments about me every day. I don't tell him about the horrid thoughts I have about them. That is one thing I won't share. But today, I was given a green wristband. That was something I was excited about. I had forgotten how good the sun felt on my skin. Dr. Haggerty said that I was already looking healthier. I think that was a good sign. I no longer look so… so… dead.
Also today, only Carlisle came. I asked about Esme and apparently, there was a family emergency and she couldn't make it. I was immensely disappointed but understood. She had a whole life outside these walls and me. Carlisle and her didn't have to come but they did. They cared about me and I had been less than hospitable. Now, I feel guilty. I turned their lives upside down and everyone was suffering. They tried not to let it show but I knew. Everything was my fault.
I had felt guilty before but this was a different type of guilt. I had felt bad before for small things like yelling at them or accidentally breaking a plate but this- this I couldn't explain. It was as if everything that I'd ever screwed up in my life was just wanting to burst out. I felt this big heavy weight on my shoulders, dragging me down deeper and deeper, leaving me no escape. I'm literally the biggest bitch on the planet. I want to scream out what happened. I want somebody to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. I want the pain to go away but every time I go to speak, my throat clogs up, heart starts to race and this overwhelming feeling of dread and ice-cold fear washes over my body. Nobody can ever know. I've already hurt enough people and I can't hurt anyone else.
I sometimes think about Demetri. We were supposed to go on a date and then I just disappeared. Carlisle told me that everyone thinks that I'm away on a holiday. The story is that I'm in Arizona visiting my grandmother who's sick and dying. Emmett couldn't come because of football but I'm going to be away for a few weeks. Apparently, everyone believes it. I wonder if he's already moved on. There are plenty of girls in Forks who would happily go out with him. Why should he wait for me? Why should anyone?
Monday, September 22, 2019
Dear diary,
Today I spoke. I finally fucking spoke in group therapy. I talked about Emmett and his happy fartday card. How he always makes me laugh and how I've been a horrible sister. I talked about being angry that he was the favorite child. I'm always overlooked and he gets all the love. Before I even knew it, I said out loud that I hated him. I shocked myself into silence. I had never felt it so strongly before. I could feel the rage and anger and sadness. It wasn't like all those other times when we had gotten into screaming matches and hit each other and silly fights. This emotion… this pain was coming from a more raw and deeper place that I hadn't thought possible. This was from years of frustration built up and I was just now letting myself feel and I felt awful about it.
Carmen talked to me after the meeting. She told me that she was proud of me and knew how hard of a journey I had had so far. I responded with a shrug, having no other words to say. She gave me an extra homework assignment. I have to write down three things I love about myself every day for the next week. I thought that it would be easy but I'm stumped. Who thought that it would be hard to come up with compliments about yourself? I'm not pretty, I'm failing most of my classes, I'm awkwardly shy and afraid of almost everything. I wish that I could have more to say but I'm literally the most boring person.
I asked Nessie at dinner what she liked about me. She said my quietness. I viewed it more as a weakness. The other girls caused drama and acted like fucking bimbo's. I was non-problematic and that was a good thing. I liked being in the background. I just wanted to blend in with the crowd and the less attention I drew to myself, the better. I was a different girl here. I was a different me.
Next, I asked Rachel and she told me my sincerity. I don't know what she was talking about because half of the time, I was cursing her out. Rachel said that she could tell that I had a good heart. That I didn't mean it when I was so awful to her and everyone else but that I was in pain and needed an outlet of some kind. She said that nobody had apologized as many times as me. I didn't like being mean and nobody should have to suffer the wrath of my anger.
I was just about to give up on the assignment when of all people, it was Leah, who gave me the third compliment in her own twisted and demented way. I had a strong fucking backbone, which was essentially what she said. No matter how many times she threatened and insulted and ridiculed me, I never went crying to "mommy." I sucked it up and held my head up high refusing to let her crap affect me. As Rachel said, we all need an outlet and if punishing me helped her feel better than so be it. I've survived worse.
Hey, y'all! I'm so so sorry it's been so long! I've started school again and I've just been jam-packed with work so I haven't had a lot of time to write but since it's a long weekend, I'm going to try to write as much as I can! Thank you to everyone who is reading and your reviews mean so much to me!
Also, Fanfiction is not working for me and all the diary stuff is supposed to be in italics and stuff is supposed to be bolded but none of it's working so just pretend it is. :)