Chapter 11: The File

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It was right there in his file. On the first page. The first line.

Charge: Draco Malfoy has been officially charged with the murder of Octavius Pepper.

Plea: Guilty.

Trial Notes: Shows heavy remorse and signs of obvious coercion from fellow Death Eaters. Five other Death Eaters were present, was chosen to kill Mr. Pepper as punishment for not killing Albus Dumbledore with the threat of watching his mother be tortured if he did not succeed. Walked away prior to the downfall of Lord Voldemort.

Status: Convicted as charged.

There was a bright red stamp over the status that read EXONERATED.

Hermione sat back on the couch. Her mind was blank and everything around her felt a hundred miles away. Draco was a murderer. He'd killed Octavius Pepper. She remembered the name from a list of missing people in the Prophet during the war. She took a deep breath and it felt labored. How was she supposed to face him again? She knew he was a Death Eater when Voldemort was in power, but she'd always thought he was just... what? Just there? Just watching? How had she never considered that he had killed someone. Just because he couldn't kill Dumbledore? He obviously would have had to pay for that. And then they made him kill Octavius.

But what was he supposed to do? Sacrifice his mother? She felt a tear fall from the corner of her eye and she pulled her legs up on the couch to hug them in front of her. No choice was the right choice, but his words had ended someone's life. She felt sick to her stomach.

She didn't move for a long time that night, staring at the wall across from her and letting all of the points, good and bad, make themselves in her head. She wasn't sure she could ever look at him the same, but how fair was that? She knew he was doing everything he could to start fresh after the war. The person she knew wasn't a killer. But somehow he was. He had to mean it to use the killing curse. He really had to mean it to make it work and he had.

The next week and a half was a blur. They brought in and interrogated each person Lucius had mentioned. She went into the Ministry each day with her work-face on, putting her personal life and feelings in a little locked box in the back of her mind. Every time they said Draco's name, she relocated her emotions again before responding. She'd never felt more emotionless in her life than she had this week, trying to separate Draco out of her thoughts. When she let him slip in… it was the same thing all over again every time. It was a thousand unanswerable questions and heart-wrenching choices. It would impact her work if she let it get to her so instead she compartmentalized it, not letting herself feel those things while she was getting through her day.

They hadn't gotten any more information from the new Death Eaters, but it was obvious they had all been briefed to point to Draco. She stayed at the Ministry late into the night trying to overturn every rock in their files, asking them hard-hitting questions, and not getting anything in return. She was working more closely with Alden now, since she wasn't going to Malfoy Manor in the evenings. He had immediately recognized that she didn't want to talk about Draco's file and they would refer to him as Mr. Malfoy when discussing the case.

At night she'd return home and lay in bed staring at the ceiling, trying to find a way to unlock the box and flush out whatever it was that had crept into her head that evening so the next day she could file it all away again.

Draco had sent her 4 owls that week and to show for it, there were four owls sitting on her ledge outside, instructed not to come back without a response.

Granger,

Free Friday night to debrief? Looking forward to it.

-DM

Granger,

I didn't hear from you regarding a meeting and you didn't come on Friday, is everything okay?

-DM

Granger,

I'm getting the idea that you're ignoring my owls. They won't leave until you respond.

-DM

Granger,

Are you getting sick of the owls yet? We've got a whole flock. What in the bloody hell is this about. It would be nice if we could be adults and talk about whatever is obviously bothering you.

-DM

The parchment sat on the coffee table. She'd put owl feed out each morning for the owls, but still felt she didn't know what to say to Draco. It was Sunday and she'd spent her weekend going in and out of the Ministry. She lay in bed that evening, on her side staring at the coffee table. There were tears in her eyes again as she thought about what it must have been like to watch them torture his mother when he didn't kill Dumbledore.

A banging on the door shook her out of her thoughts but she didn't move. They'd go away and she wasn't in the mood for visitors. After a minute they banged again and she looked over at the door, her heart rate starting to increase. What if it was another Death Eater they hadn't brought in yet that had found her.

"Granger! Open the damn door." Nope, it was Malfoy.

She stared at the door, trying to decide if she would answer it.

"I'm not going away," he yelled, "I know you're home because you're not at the Ministry."

She still didn't respond. What was she going to say to him? Was she ready to face it?

"Do you want me to have to break into your house?" He sounded very annoyed, "Because I will break into your house right now."

She sighed, sitting up, knowing he'd do it if she didn't just answer the door. She collected herself, taking a deep breath, it was time to confront what she'd read.

"GRA-"

The door cracked open and she looked at him sadly, "I'm sorry I've been avoiding you" she said, eyes still red.

He took in her appearance and her tone and his look of frustration ebbed immediately as the heavy realization dawned on him, "You read my file." His voice was quiet and his arms hung awkwardly at his side.

She nodded solemnly, "Come in," she said, "You're right, I owe you an explanation for not addressing this."

"You've never owed me a thing," he looked defeated, "I'm sorry I came here."

Hermione's neighbor, an elderly man with a lot of cats, creaked open his door, "Can you kids keep it down, please?"

"Sorry Mr. Hooper," she cleared her throat uncomfortably, "Malfoy?" She looked back at him.

He sighed heavily and followed her into her apartment. The door shut and the silence was deafening as they sat on the couch. Draco couldn't bring himself to look at her.

"I read your file," she said slowly, "And I can't pinpoint what to take from it. I feel completely that I don't know the person this file is about. But it's yours and I feel I do know you. That's where my head is right now. That's why I haven't responded to you. I don't know if I hate you or if I... if I don't hate you. If I'm sickened or if I can sympathize."

He finally looked up, "Well then maybe you finally see me how I see me," he said, his eyes dark, "I'm a monster. For the rest of my life I'll always be a monster. Even if I let myself move past it for a day, the next day I remember what I was and what I'll always carry with me."

She felt the tears again. She wished she could stop them, but she couldn't. He was a broken man and she couldn't fix him. A part of his soul was broken in two.

"You're the first person in two and a half years who's looked at me like I'm a normal person again," he said, "But now you know the truth."

"I know you're trying to restart your life," her voice was constrained.

"It can't ever restart, Granger. I can't ever erase what I've done."

"I need you to tell me what happened, from your own perspective. Tell me what went through your head."

"I murdered another wizard," the words were tense and dripped with hatred, "It doesn't matter what was going through my head. At the end of the day, that's the only thing you need to know."

"Make me understand," her eyes were pleading with him.

He paused, shoulders slumped, "It won't make you feel any different," but she didn't waiver, "Fine. I'll do the best I can to give you my perspective," he averted his eyes to look at anything but her, "After sixth year, when I ran with the Death Eaters, they took me to the Dark Lord. He knew I couldn't kill Dumbledore and saw weakness. He brought my mother in, told her to kneel in front of him, and he tortured her. I thought he was going to kill her but I couldn't cry and I couldn't help her. Neither could my father who stood there with me. When the Dark Lord finished with her he flicked his wand and cast her aside. She was barely breathing and it took her a month to recover. She was never the same after that, not until we finally broke free of that life.

"A month after I left Hogwarts, they brought Octavius Pepper to the Manor. They tortured him for information and when they were done, the Dark Lord told me to finish him off or my mother wouldn't remember my name by the end of the night," he shook his head, "I still remember the feeling of my heart beating out of my chest, the ringing in my ears, the jeers of other Death Eaters around me. Some wanted me to fail, you know," he glanced at her for a second, "I tried two or three times and it wasn't working, Octavius would just flail for a second and become still again, still breathing.

"The Dark Lord brought my mother into the room and made her kneel again. She had this resilient look on her face, like a part of her wanted me to let them torture her to save myself of having to do this deed. But it wouldn't have mattered and I knew that. If I didn't do it, they'd torture her and kill me. When I saw her there looking at me, it only took me one more try and the killing curse worked. I murdered a man and I saved my mother from losing her mind. What was I supposed to do?" Draco looked up at her and the look on his face tore her to shreds inside, "I know it doesn't change what I did. I know all the regret in the world won't bring Octavius Pepper back to his family. But what was I supposed to do."

Hermione wiped a tear off her cheek, still at a loss for words.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier," Draco shifted next to her, "For a time I thought you already knew and when I realized you hadn't read my file, I couldn't tell you and ruin the partnership we had. You believed me and you trusted me. Even the people that don't know that about me, they still think I'm the monster that I am just because I was involved with the Death Eaters. You knew that and you still gave me the benefit of the doubt. I couldn't lose your support. And the more time I spent with you, the more I enjoyed your company and this thing grew between us. How was I supposed to tell you then? I could warn you to stay away from me, sure, but I couldn't say the words to you, I couldn't tell you I was a killer. I never wanted you to look at me like you are right now," his expression turned to disgust, "Like I'm a monster and like you pity me all at the same time."

Hermione opened her mouth, she knew it was time for her to say something but it was still stuck somewhere in her throat.

"I can go now," Draco stood up, but she grabbed his hand before he could move.

"Wait," she said quietly, pulling at him gently to sit again.

He hesitated, but sat back down, waiting for her to continue.

She hadn't let go of his hand, "I'm sorry you were put in that position," she said slowly, "I can't imagine what I would have done."

"You never would have gotten into that situation," he said darkly, "You would never have walked on the side of the Dark Lord. That's why you can't pity me, Granger. There was no right choice in that moment, but I made a wrong choice a long time before which is how I got into that situation to begin with, so there's no way to feel bad for me."

"But if I'm able to see past you being a Death Eater, I should be able to see past what you had to do when you were one."

"No, you shouldn't," he sighed, defeated, "There's no part of you that will ever understand how I got into that situation, which means there's no part of you that can ever truly accept what I felt I had to do because of it."

"I'm trying," Hermione felt another tear roll down her cheek, "I'm listening."

"Do you at least understand now why I've told you to keep your distance?" He asked, "Why your boss wanted you to keep your distance."

"I still believe you," she said, "I still believe what's happening now isn't your fault."

"I know you do," he looked away again, the purity in her eyes was burning through him like fire, "But we should go back to only meeting at the Ministry. Stay under their watch, keep yourself from getting too close to me."

"I don't need to be protected from you," she said strongly, "And if you just give me time, I'm trying to reconcile what I read with who I see in front of me."

"There isn't a reconciliation, Granger. I'm not who I was but who I was will always be who I am," Draco stood up, pulling his hand from hers and walking to the door, "I need to leave, I'm sorry."

He walked out before Hermione could protest and by the time she made it off the couch to run after him, he had already apparated from her apartment. Hermione stood in the doorway speechless. She did understand what he meant now, when he told her not to associate with him, when he told her she didn't really know him.

She wanted to run after him, to wrap him in her arms and tell him that one day it would be okay, but even if she did he would fight it and she still didn't know if it was the truth. She knew he was a changed man because he couldn't let go of the darkness he'd lived in the past. If he were still that man, he would have moved past it a long time ago.

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