Chapter XXXI: The Prince and the Ward
"There is no emotion," Luke heard the sound of his own voice within his head, "there is peace."
He felt her presence in the Force, shaking him to the point he felt he could tremble.
"There is no ignorance, there is knowledge."
Even if he weren't so strong in the Force he'd known, anyone would know she was approaching. The sound of her steady steps on the stone sidewalk of the garden were noticeable, and her captivating, sweet scent had covered the environment.
"There is no passion," his eyes were closed yet he found no struggle at all imagining her beautiful face; her small, graceful, enticingly feminine figure, always clad in expensive dresses… "There is serenity..." His heart was beating on his ears now, fast with excitement. Happy while afraid with anticipation.
"There is no chaos—"
"Hello, stranger," Mara Jade said.
"—There is harmony." He waited a few moments, immobile and apparently calm. An explosion beneath his chest where his heart should be. The sound of her voice like music, melodic and sweet to his ears.
"I don't mean to interrupt," Mara said, her voice slightly shy. "I'll leave you to meditate in peace… I'm just glad you're back," she sounded so sincere while afraid of pronouncing those words.
"There is no death!" Luke felt hatred for himself, for his ability to affect Mara Jade negatively, realizing the sadness he brought her; and for his own weakness. Reciting the Jedi's teachings proved useful in many situations… not back home. "There is the Force."
"Wait, Mara," he said before he even knew he had thought the words, "Don't go."
He finally opened his eyes, and seeing her again, he thought with the biggest of fears that Masters Yoda and Kenobi were right. He wasn't ready…
She smiled widely at him and he had no choice but to do the same, his own young face lighted, and he ran to her. He picked her up in his arms but when she tried to kiss him, he collected himself, and avoided it. Keeping her in his arms, he felt her many emotions, strong and wild which she in vain tried to conceal.
"You're not happy to see me," Mara said, her voice holding great anger, "let go of me!"
He held her tighter. If he had been weak now, why not take advantage of it? He had missed her every day. She had occupied his thoughts when he'd been studying the Jedi code. How impossible it had seemed to think he could renounce every attachment in his life. While in Dagobah there were moments in which he felt he might succeed… but the way he held his childhood friend with adoration unlike any worthy Jedi proved he had still a long way to go.
"I need to talk to you," he said, unable of erasing the smile from his lips.
"You don't need to hold me like that to talk," she said, rather crossly.
He laughed. "You're right." For a second he kept her even closer; he smelled her fiery red hair and brushed his forehead against her own. Then, with great effort, he put her down, and gave a few steps back.
A few moments passed in which both gathered their breaths, then Mara was again the one brave enough to break the silence.
"What do you want to talk about?" she said, struggling to sound careless.
"Do you want to walk as we talk?"
"Whatever."
He almost offered her his arm, instead, he cleared his throat and they went towards the deepest regions of the Skywalker Castle's wide garden.
"I assume you don't want to be heard," Mara Jade slyly said.
"Perhaps," Luke nodded. "This is going to be just between you and me."
Mara was almost left behind. She had stopped walking and again was gathering her breath. Licking her lips which were suddenly very dry.
"All right," she nodded and her voice almost shook. "I'm listening."
Luke gave a faint smile, "Mara," he said, his voice in earnest, "I know you must be very angry with me… the way I left—"
"Without even saying goodbye. Having me believe for months you might be dead," she interrupted, her exuberant emerald eyes full of fire. Her emotion so strong at the moment. We'll really have to work on that, Luke thought; but surely it would work. She has a good heart. Deep down.
"I will explain everything, Mara—"
"No!" again she interrupted. "Don't share your secrets with me, Luke. Please." Her fiery eyes softened, and they pleaded, shining with what Luke could recognize was fear.
"I know you wouldn't betray me," Luke gently said.
"Never. But I don't want to have anything to betray you with. Don't tell me things I can't tell the Emperor!"
"If he confronted you… would you speak? Would you tell my secrets to him, Mara?" Luke questioned, genuinely curious, his pacing being suddenly slower.
Mara looked down. "I wouldn't have a choice. That you know."
Luke sighed. "You're very loyal, Mara Jade."
"You say that as if it were a bad thing."
"It can be—when trust is misplaced."
"That is the Emperor, your father you're talking about Luke."
"Oh come on! No one can hear us here! Speak freely. Say what you feel. I know how much you—you hate him."
Mara blinked, startled. She looked around, making sure no one could hear them.
"He is the Emperor. We have no choice but to obey and respect him," Mara Jade said amidst clenched teeth, anger and resentment hanging on every word.
"Or do we?" Luke said, his face very curious.
Mara shook her head, obviously confused.
"All right, Mara. I'll skip the details for now about my going away if you don't want to hear them… But you have to hear about my plans for the future."
"Why?"
"Because you're a part of them."
She did a double take. "I'm part of your future?" she said, astonished, unable of concealing her great happiness.
"No one but you for now," he said, taking her hand again and coming to a halt.
He guided her to a beautiful crystal and grey bench, helping her sit down; kneeling before her, keeping both of her small hands between his own. He could feel her emotion stronger than ever, he feared his own heart would burst along hers.
"Oh Luke," Mara said, her voice almost shaking with tears, her loving face lighted with hope.
"Mara, I need you. I can't count with anyone else for the moment."
A tear escaped her eye. She wanted to wipe it away but he still had her hands captured. She reached over, bringing her face closer to his, itching to cover him with wild kisses.
"Mara, my only hope, would you leave this castle, the security you have here, and come with me?"
"Yes!" she cried.
"Would you really leave everything, every luxury behind, and join me?"
"Forever! I swear!"
"Oh Mara! You would join my new Jedi Order!"
"I do! I love yo—WHAT?" she cried, bewildered, all light and happiness leaving her face.
"I'm going to start a new Jedi Order," Luke proudly said. "I need to have young apprentices. When the war is over, I will search the galaxy for Force-sensitive kids. Right now you can be my only apprentice."
Mara shook her head, swallowing every one of his words as if they were poison.
"I wanted Leia to help me," Luke went on. "But for now that's impossible. You will be a fine Jedi I'm sure! And don't worry, we will not be alone."
"Oh good," she said with the bitterest sarcasm.
"Master Yoda and Master Kenobi will guide us."
"I don't even know what to say."
"Say yes, Mara," he said, squeezing her white palms.
She shed another tear. "I want to—but to a very different question," she sighed, heartbroken, "this is not what I expected."
"I know," he sighed. "But it's all I can offer you. You're free to say no."
"I will go with you, Luke," Mara assured him. "Anywhere you want. I want to be with you… but I cannot be a Jedi. You know I've been denied using the Force all my life."
"I will teach you."
"That's not what I want from you," she reached closer, and softly kissed his cheek.
"Don't, Mara," Luke warned her. "If you're coming with me… you have to be a Jedi. And you know a Jedi—"
"Knows no love?" Mara said, her voice filled with pain. "No passion. No attachment."
"And no hatred."
"But I feel all those things Luke! You do, too."
"No… I—I am working on it, okay."
"I love you. You know that, if you don't love me anymore I prefer to never see you again—but I know you must love me! You must at least feel something very small towards me."
"It has to transform to esteem. We can care for each other and be cordial—"
"That'd never be enough. That'd never happen."
Luke let go of her and stood up. He paced in circles around her, looking frustrated.
"I was counting on you," he sighed.
"You know how to get me," she insinuated.
He had his back to her, but at those words turned around and saw her, beautiful and broken, a few tears swimming and shining down her gorgeous face.
He ran to her, all of Yoda's teaching thrown away, his own human instincts taking over. He first cleaned her tears with a soft, caressing finger; then he placed his hands on her petite waistline, bringing her very close, at last, he kissed her lips.
Oh why did this have to be forbidden? Why when nothing ever felt better? He felt no guilt as he kissed and caressed her, as he felt her own hands going around his neck in an adoring gesture. How could he train her after that? She'll never believe he has no wild feelings of love for her.
But he couldn't care for the moment. The world was apart from them. In an imaginary perfect bubble of irreality…
"Ahem," a man's voice sounded behind them, clearing his throat in an awkward fashion. "Pardon me, Your Majesty…"
Luke kept Mara Jade in his arms but turned to see the servant. "What do you want?" he said in a haughty voice, hating the interruption.
"Forgive me, Queen Amidala's been anxiously asking about you, and the Emperor sent me to search—"
"Yeah, yeah, okay. Go then, I'll go into the castle in a minute."
"Very well, Your Majesty."
Luke watched the man go away with resentment, then the words hit him like a stone wall. "Your Majesty." The title he hated so much. The one he had renounced. Ugh, and now he was back to what his father had tried to make of him. Privileged and arrogant. Powerful and obeyed. No… he could not go back. Not after everything he had done and been through. Images of the Civil War flashed in his mind. Countless hours of training. Missions with the Rebel Alliance. The witnessing of injustices across the galaxy… The galaxy needed the Jedi, and only he could bring them back. He couldn't be so selfish. He had to make sacrifices. Oh Mara…
He distanced himself from her, watching her face, previously joyous, widely confused.
"I'm sorry," he couldn't look at her in the eyes, knowing they might change his mind again. "I've given you the only offer I have. Come to me if you accept it, if you don't… Mara, we shouldn't be together."
With that, without waiting for a response, he fled from the scene.