Chapter XXXV: Heavy Crown
Even she was surprised, as it rarely happened, if ever, but tonight Padmé felt a compulsive need to be alone.
She didn't want to see anyone, not even the company of her children would have been welcomed. An overwhelming explosion of emotion burst into her, giving her a sense of anxiety she could barely tolerate. She told herself it was ridiculous to feel that way; she was a veteran politician and warrior, she had lived through great conflict, through great trials all her life.
Her strength had helped her all her life, which only made her frustration all the greater, as she walked the wide halls of her bedchamber; feeling trapped, almost clasping for air in a sudden claustrophobic environment.
She wished to find herself in Naboo.
She was damn sick of Coruscant; she once came to love the Capital, being a great symbol in the Old Republic; but those days had long ago evaporated.
She looked out her balcony and resented the fake garden outside her window. The trees had been planted, Anakin's gift for her, to remind one of Theed's countryside. The flowers in the city couldn't blossom the way they naturally did in her home-world. They looked exactly the same, but they were so dubious she hated them. Especially at this moment.
She longed for the clean air the open fields could give her.
She fancied she could see herself running, free and wild, through the green immensity she had known before. In her image she saw a child, crystal-clear waterfalls were her sole company. Sweet spring roses delighted her. And in the far distance, Padmé saw herself as she was now, and she couldn't help but to shout out to the little girl, "Keep running! Don't look back!"
And what would have happened if the little girl had listened?
Surely, nothing at all.
Many people in her life had warned Padmé to not get involved in politics, even more so at that young tender age. She didn't listen. Neither should she have. She had her calling, and it was right.
There had been many instances in which she felt unsuitable for what the world was demanding of her, and in many occasion she had reached an almost breaking point—but she always did what her heart told her.
She didn't get into politics for glory or power. She saw the necessity for good in the galaxy and she set out to give her all.
Critics were tough, often times cruel, but she never let them get into her head… and she had to continue that habit—even if her critic now was the Princess of the galaxy. Her own daughter.
Leia might be right to judge her, but even so, Padmé couldn't allow it.
The general public would be right to scorn her, but even so, Padmé had to defend them. This Civil War had lasted too long. Any war more than a moment long is too long. Be it between the Empire and the Rebel Alliance. Jedi Vs. Sith. Skywalker against Skywalker.
Padmé put on a gown, her sharpest heels, and her heavy crown, and made way to the Throne Room. She requested Anakin to be summoned, as well as the Prince and Princess.
Leia heard Luke's words and ideas, she considered them for a long time, but she concluded she couldn't listen to him. She couldn't—or shouldn't trust him. But it was tempting, if there was the slightest chance she might find out what happened to Han… it might be worth the try.
"How should I go about it?" she asked, a bit unsurely.
"Close your eyes and take a deep breath," Luke instructed.
"This already seems enlightening," Leia mocked.
Luke shot her an angry look. "It won't work if you have no fate in what we do."
"Fine! Eyes closed. Exhaled. What then?"
"Lose the tone, for starters. Okay… envision the last time you saw him."
Leia opened her eyes, she lost her smug expression, her features immediately saddened. "I can't do that."
"Do, Leia."
She closed her eyes again, the sudden movement of her lids releasing a few tears. She saw the scene playing in her head, Han attempting to give her one more kiss, her refusing, claiming she wouldn't have been able of stopping. I should have let him kiss me, she sorrowfully and remorsefully thought. What she wouldn't give to go back to that time…
"Leia," Luke suddenly called. "Your emotions are overflowing. You will drown in them. Control them, sister."
She felt the pain of heartbreak in her chest. How could that ever be controlled?
"I'm trying," she whispered.
"That is your error. Don't go about this thinking the chance of mishap is there. Do it! Confident that you will succeed!"
"I said I'm trying, okay!" she complained.
"There is no try."
"What?"
He looked unsure for a moment, then he confidently said, "Leia, Master Yoda taught me a lot, and I've been meaning to share with you."
"I do not want to learn Jedi teachings!" she clenched her teeth. "Make no mistake, Luke."
"All I am saying… focus all of your energy on what you want to achieve. It is possible. You know anything is possible when you believe in the Force. The memory might be painful, I don't know, but move past it. See him as he was when you last met. Feel not what he means to you, or what the lack of him does to you. Feel his presence as it was. Search him!"
Leia listened to his words. She painted the picture once more, but this time, her imagination betrayed her, and she saw herself going for that last kiss that never happened, that she desperately wished she could live. And her despair ruined it all. She groaned aloud.
"Don't," Luke said in a comforting voice. "Don't give up. Use a different memory. Maybe one more memorable for being amusing than heartfelt?"
"Amusing!" she cried offended. "As if anything in life was ever amusing…" she stopped for a moment, remembering the last time she laughed. And yes, Han was with her, oh the ridiculousness couldn't take away the heart from the moment. Maybe if they weren't alone in the memory? Chewie and Threepio were there… Oh Chewie, whatever happened to him, too! She longed for his warm smile, his friendly banter… she remembered Chewbacca making fun of Han; the fancy clothes seemed ridiculous on the Corellian captain. How did Mara ever think to give him that—
"Mara," Leia suddenly said.
"Uh?"
"Mara lied to me, too! She was the last person to see them. She was the last person in charge in the castle before we arrived. Before our parents arrived. Before Han and Chewie disappeared!" she cried, as if she were finally seeing with clarity.
"Leia, you're losing track of what we're doing. You're not focusing—"
"Shut up! I have to talk to her. She has to tell me everything that happened while I was in the medical room."
"Your Majesties," a servant interrupted them. "Pardon me, Queen Amidala wants to speak to you."
"Now it's not a good time," the princess said. "Excuse us, and tell her to maybe meet us at supper or tea time," she angrily taunted.
"Maybe it's important," Luke said. "I say we should go."
"I don't care what my mother has to say. I've had enough lies in one day—Luke!"
Her brother had taken her by the arm, and in a childish manner he walked her to the castle. "Thank you!" Luke cried as the servant watched them with a confused frown on his face.
"This is ridiculous," Leia cried. "Stop that. Okay, fine! Let's hear what the Queen has to say…"
The Throne Room in most Skywalker castles was the same. It emulated the royalties of old, and while in places like Theed or Alderaan it looked immaculate, in the futuristic capital it seemed slightly out of place.
Leia entered the room, Luke still holding her arm, and saw the tall forms of her parents, each in their high mighty chairs.
"Are we supposed to curtsey now…" Leia begun but Anakin cut her short.
"Quiet, child."
"Oh pardon, Father. But don't just command, why don't you use the Force again to truly shut me up-!"
"You were told to be quiet," now Padmé said, in a stern voice. "And you will not speak while another person does. Especially your parents. Leia, listen and don't interrupt."
Leia glared at the Queen.
Padmé looked the very image she remembered from the hologram the rebel had shown her.
Queen Amidala.
Speak, then! I am sick already… the princess thought.
"Luke, Leia," Padmé begun; "You are of age now. You have passed your twentieth year, though you had no time to celebrate it. We cannot command you as if you were children—so please, don't act like children. Leave those rebellious attitudes in your teens, now truly passed," she glanced at Leia. "Do not run away as if that were a true solution," she glanced at Luke. "Listen and speak. Communication has been the key to civilization. First, we're returning to Naboo. That is to say, all of us. I cannot force you to obey—nor do I want to. We need to go home, and also, take action to move forward. Both in our family life and our political responsibilities. I will love your help as well as your company. Will you come, my children?"
Though there was reason in her words, and a certain amiability in her tone, she didn't look any less like the famous monarch Leia had witnessed being slammed by the rebels. The princess felt herself shaking, wondering how she could've been so blind to have never see it before; Padmé had always appeared a sweet Beauty, a kind soul—how did she miss the scary determination in her eyes? The absolute assurance of being right in her very countenance. Her mother's apparent riches were a painful contrast, too, remembering the fort in Corellia, the poor mother and her lovely child… what would they think of Queen Amidala? Probably even less than they did of Princess Leia.
Leia suddenly remembered the horde of rebels, circling her, as she thought herself about to be executed—she was saved by the rebel siblings who should have thrown the first blow—
Padmé put her hands together, over her lap, in a gest of impatience. Leia regarded her thin, delicate fingers, those whom Leia associated with motherly caresses and care; now it dawned on her how one of those hands wasn't her mother's. It was not noticeable, it looked like mere flesh, but the queen had a mechanical arm.
This train of thought brought her to look at Anakin's also mechanical arm. This one was very obviously unhuman. He took no care in covering the fact. Even under the black glove you could tell.
Gods, what a pair!
Leia looked at Luke for a moment, she couldn't read an answer in his eyes. She spoke for herself, "I want to go to Naboo," she said. "But I will not yet go."
Luke seemed to be deep in thought. "I share my sister's decision."
Anakin finally spoke again, "Damn this diplomacy, it never worked anyway. Luke, Leia, we are all going to Naboo, later today or tomorrow. I don't care about baggage, Force knows you didn't bring any. When the security for the trip is finished, we will all go: no questions asked."
The twins looked at their mother.
Speak, mother… Leia wished deep down Padmé's angel would come out again, but the ruthless monarch that necessity called back was here. "I'll go and prepare everything for the trip. And say goodbye to Mara Jade, too."
She left the Throne Room with an unreadable countenance.
Leia left and Luke hurried after her. "What are you going to do?" he cried.
"For starters, I am getting to Mara before she does. I will not leave this castle until I know what happened!" she walked hastily. "And you?"
"I have to go back… Leia," he pleaded one more time, "come with me."
"Go to hell."
Leia burst into Mara Jade's room.
Luke sighed and turned to go.
Mara Jade rested on a large couch by her curtained windows. She looked beautiful, her red hair falling to the side, her lovely dress accentuating her gorgeous figure… the sad look about her eyes couldn't diminish her beauty.
She looked up when she heard Leia enter, she smiled at the princess but only for a moment, realizing her strange expression.
"Hello my dear. What brings you here?"
"Mara," Leia could hardly be calm. "Please tell me you didn't betray me too."
Mara Jade frowned. "What?"
"Have you done anything lately you haven't told me? You know damn well what I mean."
Mara's eyes reddened. She sighed and shook her head. "I have betrayed you."
Leia looked away and she groaned like a hurt child. "How?"
"I can't ask you to forgive me—"
"Just answer me." She breathed rapidly. "What happened to the pilots?"
"I don't know why they were important to you. But they were and I am so sorry."
"Don't give me condolences! Just tell me what happened to them!"
"I can't—Leia!"
The princess grabbed her by her red locks, she pressed her against a wall, and with a dangerous edge, she spat, "I will kill you if you don't tell me now."
"Please kill me," Mara begged.
Leia felt like slapping her. She did. "Just tell me!"
"If I do the Emperor will kill me. I rather you do it, my dear."
"I can kill you after you confess. Mara," she sounded less angry, and purely desperate now, "please. Please tell me."
"Don't cry, Princess. I couldn't stand it: I sent the Wookiee away. He was no threat as long as he was away. I sent him to his home-planet. I am sure he's fine. The Corellian human… I didn't deal with him. But I am pretty sure he's dead."
Leia took a trembling step back. She did shed many tears—they would have made her choke and die had she held them back. Sobbing, she asked what planet it was, "Kashyyyk."
"I have to go and see if he's really fine for myself."
"Princess Leia," Mara said when Leia was by the door. "I called Him." She confessed, breathing deeply, her voice barely tangible above a whisper. "I told the Emperor you were here. I called him."
Leia turned to face her.
"I'm sorry."
"Me too," the princess said, raising her hand, choking the life out of Mara Jade.
The poor redhead gasped for air, she turned purple and fell to the floor. She looked up to the princess, not a trace of an accusation in her green gaze, but a profound regretful goodbye.
"Another traitor," Leia muttered, deepening her hold on Mara's throat. She felt the pain the action caused, she felt it till she also couldn't breathe. Leia had to let her hand fall and to her own throat. She also fell powerlessly, choking and gasping. When she hit the floor, she saw the form of her twin brother, standing by her side with a raised hand.
The sudden wave of air into her lungs pained her, and it caused her words to be blurred as they came, "That's… such a Sith move, Jedi."
"Old habits die hard," Luke said in a serious voice.
Leia practically dragged herself out of the room.