The Diego Diaries: Barbecue (dd6 254)
-0-A moment later
"How do you want this, Ratchet?" Ironhide glanced over his shoulder to watch Ratchet sprawled in his chair with a grin on his face. He knew he had the cure the same as everyone else but he still looked shit faced. "You sober?"
"Yep," Ratchet said with a smirk. "I'm just enjoying your aft."
"You are, are ya?" Ironhide replied with a grin.
Everyone in their group was setting up the table and piling the food for today on top in mass quantities. There was more than enough for the families and the many hangers on who would supplement their junk food stores with the real deal.
Ravel walked to Ironhide with a big plate. "Put it on here, son," he said sweetly.
Ironhide pulled back foil and began to pile ribs and brisket onto the plate, then folded the rest down to keep it hot. "If other slaggers want some, they have to get it," he said as he walked toward the table. Ratchet joined him and a sober-ized general staff as ribs and brisket, chicken and even burgers covered in barbecue sauce were brought over. Moochers filled up, then everyone helped the kids. It was then that the adults piled it up and they did. Beer was had, then everyone sat down to eat.
It was silent a moment, then almost as one, they glanced at the cooks. "THIS IS GREAT!" -everyone
"I think this one tastes like beer," Sandstorm said as he gnawed on a bone.
Magnus smirked at him as he dug in as well.
Elita leaned down the row. "That's some of Magnus's special sauce."
Groans filled the air as they continued and so did the kids, adding to the hilarity with their commentary.
"ADA! I, ORION, LOVE DIS!" he said holding up a rib.
"It's ribs." Ironhide waited for his son to mimic him as he had been doing lately very well. But kids being kids and life being a bitch most of the time, it wasn't to be.
"Dibs."
"Ribs."
"Tibs."
"RRRRibs."
"RRRR-bibbles." He smiled brilliantly as some of the mechs chuckled. "TIBS! DIBS! I, ORION, DIBS THE TIBS!"
Loud laughter greeted that. Hero smiled at Ironhide who had pulled Halo out of his hold to check on her. She held out a rib. "Here, Atar. For Halo."
Ironhide took it, then grinned. "She's too young. You eat it and tell her how good it is," he said handing it back, knowing full well that Hero would tell more than just the taste.
She bit it, then chewed. Smiling, she looked at Halo. "You're going to love this, Halo. I'll show you how to eat things. You and me … we can do a lot."
"What sort of things, Hero?" Drift asked as he sat down table from her.
Hero smiled at him. "We can play. She will need a thing like this, too," she said pointing to her tiny emerald embellishment. "DID YOU KNOW MY SISTERS HELPED ME GET THIS!?"
"Yes, I did," Ratchet said glancing at them with a gimlet optic.
Elita grinned. "Be there or be square."
"Is barbecue the next Thanksgiving thing?" someone down table asked.
"I think its candy," Ratchet said. "I was thinking barbecue but old tight aft here wants candy."
Ironhide frowned at him, then grinned. "I, IRONHIDE, LOVE CANDY!"
"I, PRAXUS, LOVE ATAR!" He smiled as he held a rib in his tiny servo.
For a moment, it was intensely quiet, then everyone laughed. "I, Springer, will steal you and your brother, Praxus."
Praxus smiled at him, then began to eat a deviled egg.
All of the littlest kids would need a good hosing off when this was over.
"What's for dessert?" someone down table asked.
"No one is finished with their dinner yet," Prowl said with a smirk. "Lazy afts. Some of us worked our digits to the bone. I have a sheet cake, mind you. One which I spent literally forever decorating."
"I think so. He did it last night," Optimus said with a grin. He was getting his buzz back even if the food helped his sobriety. It was his second beer since the cure. "It has our pictures on it."
"I drew them myself." Prowl grinned smugly at Ratchet.
"I'm proud of you, Prowler. SOME part of it should be made by you," Ratchet said with a dazzling smile.
Prowl frowned, Miler took a snap, Prime hugged Prowl's shoulders, and everyone kept eating.
Nearby, seven horses stood side-by-side drowsing on a hitch line as a tiny cow joined them. Standing under Yancy, Pudding dozed, too. Raptor glanced at him, then grinned. "That's a slagging fine cow."
"You won't get any complaints from me," Hercy said. "How is it taking him to Cybertron? He's the first cow ever on Cybertron. That there is a historic cow."
Huge laughter greeted that. Raptor grinned. "He's a trooper. He mostly gets carried by Keystock."
"He carries the cow AND the backpack?" Kup asked with a faked look of surprise.
Everyone but the civilians, some of the Home Guardsmen, Keystock and Cargo, Cliff, because he'd carried it himself on more than one occasion and it worked so no one told him about its real purpose, a number of mini-cons that no one knew but who had moved their tent, chairs, provisions, homemade brew, two tiny children, and a cyberfox pet to the camp to join in on the fun knew what was in the backpack. It was the 'DON'T DROP THE BACKPACK OR KERPOW' backpack, an old ploy used to great affect by Praxian commanders since the Age of Rust.
Raptor nodded with a serious expression. "It's a struggle for him but he stands up well. I'd carry the cow but sometimes you have to general. Then there's the backpack. I have to tell you … I'm slagging glad he's never dropped it."
Everyone of the soldiers there glanced at Keystock who looked at all of them with loathing and nodded with serious expressions. Anders and Burris who had no idea what was what but saw their son being praised beamed at him. "That's my boy," Burris said. "He's doing a damned fine job with the General. I'm proud of you, Key."
Anders nodded. "I am, too. Being the aide of a famous and fabled general is an honor."
Everyone stared at the two, then Keystock who looked like he was going to dissolve. "Anders, Burris … there is no finer honor than to serve The People. Your two boys are doing that and I find that admirable," Hercy said. Everyone nodded in agreement for Burris and Anders.
Anders flustered a moment, then smiled at his son and bond. Burris looked immensely pleased. "One can only hope that their children will remember that, Hercy. You hope for everything for them."
Hercy nodded. "That's all a genitor can hope for. That's why I'm letting Ratchet and Ironhide raise the little ones so I can claim them later on."
Huge laughter greeted that as Hercy expertly turned the subject around. Prowl leaned out, then looked down table. "ALL OF THEM ARE MINE!"
Huge laughter greeted that as they dug back in. When that was over and the debris corralled, dessert was served. Prime got a big slice of cake and pie handed to him by Prowl who was mathematically cutting things to fit the size of the crowd. There would be huge slices for everyone, such was the amount of baked goods brought from bakeries all over the colony. Only a few made their own.
Prime who was on his third beer grinned at his cake. "I see my face on this . Why does my face look like a cartoon, Prowl?" he asked sweetly.
Prowl paused, then patted him. "I used the chibi drawings of you I once saw on the internet at an art site and made them also for the kids. I thought they were cute."
"I think so, too. Did you make one for yourself? If you do, I hope you get that part. Or maybe me. I love cake," he said as he began to dig in.
Everyone watched him, delighted at his relaxation. When he over drank, he was a sweet mech. The only time that ever was different was after a loss when he would occasionally hit it with the boys. Then, he was a morose and self flagellating drunk. Fortunately, he also had self respect and self control. Those moments were few and far between, though it could be said that they usually happened in the company of Springer pre-Prowl.
Such were the heavily firewalled orns of yore.
"Who has your aft, Optimus?" Ratchet asked as he glanced around the table.
"I DO!" Turbine said. He then took a big bite. "I DID!"
Raucous laughter, ribald remarks and catcalling greeted that.
"Tell me again, Turbine?" Kup asked. "You're a religion teacher, too?"
Huge laughter.
"I may teach religion but I'm not dead," Turbine said. "I do like to look at a nice aft." He glanced down the table. "You have a nice aft, Optimus."
Optimus grinned. "Thank you, Turbine." He glanced at his highly amused genitors. "I have a fan."
Laughter.
"I think that's very nice, dear," Kestrel said with a grin.
More laughter.
"What are we going to do with the horses, Ratchet?" Sandstorm said.
"We're going to race. They love to run and they need it. I want to see some racing. I also brought a bunch of their horse shoes. There's a game where you stand way back and try to hook horse shoes around a stick stuck in the ground. I also heard some of you slaggers are going to rock climb and hike steep trails. I also hope that if there's any arm wrestling matches that someone volunteers their tent to catch the losers," Ratchet said with a dazzling smile.
"HA-HA, RATCHET!" Cliff said with a grin as Buzzie beamed at him like he was his (re)inventor. "Funny." Cliff grinned. "I'll have you know, I've been practicing with Buzzie. It won't be so easy this time."
"I'll take that bet," Sunstreaker said as he held Uraya on his arm. He was feeding her with cake.
"Me, too." -every mech in the camp.
"Slaggers," Cliff said with a grin.
"I would like to try throwing horse shoes," Optimus said as he finished his cake. "Where are they?"
Ratchet who had finished stood up, then pushed Prime down. "Let me set it up, Optimus. Then you can come and try." Ratchet stepped out of the camp table, then walked to a box by his tent filled with games and children's toys. He pulled out a box with horseshoes, a mallet and two iron spikes. Walking past the horses to a flat open space, he hammered a spike in the ground, then walked way the hell and gone down the field, to hammer the other. By then, the mechs were beginning to congregate.
Ratchet dumped the mallet in the box, then picked up about six horseshoes. Giving half to Prime, he grinned. "Here's how this goes." He turned, then gripped a horseshoe. He figured his swing, the light breeze, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, then swung his arm, letting the horseshoe fly.
Everyone watched silently as the shoe sailed through the air, then hit the spike. Rather than staying, it twirled, then flew away. "Frag," Ratchet said as everyone laughed, applauded and drank their beer. He tried again and managed to get two of three to stay. He turned to Prime. "Notice that mine had a spot of yellow on them? Yours have red, Optimus. That's how we tell how this goes. Your turn."
Optimus looked at the horseshoes, at Prowl's wary and highly invested gaze, at his genitor's delight, at the delight of the soldiers and civilians with him, his children and everyone elses, a cow who had wandered in to stand beside Rambler, then turned to the field. Being too blitzed to gauge, analyze and otherwise figure anything out, he just let fly. Then he did again and again. He grinned, then turned to Ratchet. "What now?"
"We go see how we did," Ratchet said slipping his arm through Prime's. It was a good idea because he wasn't walking in a straight line. They reached the spike and did the count. Ratchet, 2 of 3 and Prime? Three dead ringers in a row. Even drunk, he was a deadly force of nature. "Frag," Ratchet said with a chuckle. "You slagger. I think you're a ringer. Get it? Ringer?"
Prime grinned at Ratchet as Sandstorm slipped him another beer. It would take two sips before he would. Then he would laugh loudly.
-0-TBC 1-23-18 Edited 2-2-18
NOTES:
We had a big earthquake up here after midnight. Usually, we have hundreds of small ones everyday with one maybe reaching a magnitude we feel. This was 8.1 they said and everyone got an alert on the phone. It was really deep, thus, no tsunami of any record. But it was 260 miles south of me and it woke me up and jiggled the bed. It lasted half a minute which is a sickeningly long time for an earthquake. We don't have great population or building density so we do well. An earthquake of this magnitude in a city would be a MASSIVE killer. All is well here, however. :D:D:D:D Thanks, Lackwit! :D:D:D
Sunstreaker's Girl chapter 253 . 5h ago
Oh what a great few chapters! I'm still laughing my aft off at Ratchet's shenanigans.
ME: I love Ratchet. He's me if I had guts and nerve. :D:D:D He actually reminds me of my dad. My dad was a lot like him. HUGS!
Pandora chapter 253 . 15h ago
Hope everything is okay up there heard about the earthquake
ME: It was a doozy. The big one on Good Friday in the sixties was the largest ever recorded at 10.1 and lasted an entire FIVE minutes. It laid waste to everything and destroyed entire towns. The tsunami reached Crescent City, California and killed a lot of people. It wiped out the town of Valdez here in Alaska. We have a great warning system. We're pretty good to go. Thanks, honey. I hate them but they come with the territory here. We also have four active volcanoes within 80 miles of my house. :D:D:D
Ragemoose chapter 253 . 21h ago
I have a hard time accurately expressing how much i love this fan fiction. Prime is so cute. You can really see how he takes after his parents in mannerisms when he gets wasted. He gets so sweet. Anders is learning how to work keystock and cargo and im proud of him for it. :D
ME: Prime, to me, has a goodness about him that is so wonderful and I would think his parents would be a lot like him. I see them as a wonderful family unit, uncomplaining, tons of integrity and decent to the core. I agree he is so much like him when he's plastered. I love him drunk! LOL! So G1. :D:D:D
Anders is getting a handle on things. He wants happiness and if he has to twist everyone's nose to get it he will.
It delights me to write this for readers, ragemoose. You guys are my heroes. I thank you for being here. HUGS!
kattenbelletje chapter 252 . Jan 22
All this grilling meat made me think about how Cybertronians would see eating meat. There species doesn't even have to kill plants to eat. I keep thinking about how they would react if they were in a survival situation of earth with the humans and the humans killed a rabbit or deer. What would their thoughts be on that. Also. What is the normal diet of Cybertronians? Here they mostly eat cybertronised human food.
ME: I agree. Prime is the apex Cybertronian and he sees value in all life. I think he would be upset to see it but then, he would know they had to live somehow. I don't think he would be a fan of hunting not only because he's seen enough death but because he would see it as a life taken for very little reason. I will include that in a conversation with the human soldiers. It will be interesting to see how that comes out. For their part, they utilize energon, usually in liquid processed form to eat. If they go in the field, they would use that and its the most common form in the pro fics if they even mention it. I read a pro fic where Cliff used a personal converter that attached to his chassis with a tube to make energon in that form to eat when he was stranded on a planet. Here, they have a choice. Liquid energon is fed directly into their apartments but they also have mechs who are fascinated with food and make it however that takes them. Some of the food items are Cybertronian derived, favorites I made up that came from Cybertron such as Celebration Cake and other things. They eat both in this story to make meals more interesting and because it makes me laugh that Rampage became a baker. I didn't plan that. I still remember writing that he sat up on the med berth and discussed baking with Ratchet. It sort of popped out. LOL!
Sunstreaker's Girl chapter 252 . Jan 21
Still laughing like a loon here in NC. Ratchet... Good stuff.
ME: BWAHAHA! I love writing their adventures. So glad. Stay warm, honey. :D
Lackwit chapter 251 . Jan 21
LOL why does Prowl cheat so much? I know he is competitive but he can actually cook and does so for the Thanksgiving and Christmas contests. So why cheat so completely during camping?
OMG Ratchet! Don't give Orion more ideas OoO
ME: Prowl likes to put one over on Ratchet. He likes to think he's that slick. But Ratchet is a guy who had to be slick to survive and he will always know. Prowl also has a lot to do and he loves to take care of his family himself but the competitive thing he has while camping makes him cheat. He just has to do this when camping because its a beat the other guy sort of thing. I think watching Ratchet try to cook while camping makes it happen for him because as talented and versatile as Ratchet is, he's a poor cook. LOL! Prowl's hilarious to me. He's this uptight perfectionist who projects this aura of perfection and togetherness, then Ratchet pokes his pretty balloon. Prime loves it, too. ;) HUGS!