Glimpses of Time

Chapter Twenty: Questions of a First Kiss

By Lumendea

Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who or any spinoff material, and I gain no income from this story, just the satisfaction of playing with the characters.

AN: Ah, revisiting one of the most awkward sections of Guardians, talking about the complexities of their out of sync relationship and the time loops. I hesitated back when I wrote the original first kiss for Rose, and it was part of the complicated and uncomfortable narrative when I was trying to explore how nonlinear relationships work if you actually try to look at them in-depth. Hint, there is a reason that people who use this trope don't tend to dive into it. Things get messy fast. I'm in the process of cleaning up the earlier stories and revisiting some of the parts that I don't think I did as good a job with as I could now.

…

Rose groaned and rubbed her forehead. This was bringing back a lot of old complicated feelings. Her old journal was closed on her lap, and the Doctor was pacing in front of the fireplace of the library. A stack of books sat on the table beside Rose, and a nearly complete painting was on the nearby easel.

"You just need to materialise the TARDIS around me, using the signal from my ring," Rose explained. "Show me that you're the Doctor, explain about regeneration, and then drop me off to speak with UNIT."

"So… you told me that I stole your first kiss," the Doctor said. Rose could tell that he was trying to be calm, but there was nervousness in his voice. "And with me going back to take care of closing the time loop, are you still okay with that?" He paused, and when Rose turned to look at him, he jumped up and started pacing. "It's a small detail. We could probably change that if you wanted to; after all, you're the one with the Gordian Knot timeline. I don't want it to happen just because the timelines say that it does."

Rose inhaled slowly and frowned, mulling it over. He was right that they could probably adjust that. White and Black wouldn't be thrilled with shifting her timeline, but they could suffer it. In truth, Rose was surprised that he was offering. The Doctor was possessive of her and their relationship. After losing so much throughout his life, he clung to the people that stayed with him. It had taken years for him to believe that she'd stay. His possessiveness was an extension of the old fears that bubbled up from time to time and his lingering shock that she might actually be happy with him. So, for him to offer that concession, despite his possessiveness and his worries about the timeline, took a lot, and Rose knew it.

"Thank you for the offer," Rose said softly. She gave him a warm smile, hoping her gratitude and understanding showed in her eyes. "I'm not sure," she admitted. "I mean, Gavin didn't exactly ask before he kissed me, so I don't want to change things, so he's my first kiss. Or worse, one of those boys on the estate that didn't understand the word no."

The Doctor tensed at those words, and his eyes darkened. Nonetheless, he pulled himself back to the conversation. "But?"

"But on the other hand, it was weird. It messed with my head for a while," Rose admitted. She didn't look at the Doctor for a moment, studying the landscape painting she'd been working on earlier that day. "I remember going between wondering if it was a joke or if it meant something. Normally, I avoided thinking about it because that left me confused and unsure of how to feel. And there was no one I could talk with about it, not really who understood. I didn't even tell Sharon and Shareen for a long time."

Rose watched the Doctor deflate and didn't blame him for that. He hadn't done it yet, but he had already lived through their relationship when she was in university because his tenth self had been in such a bad place after she vanished. Him coming to see her in university hadn't been the smartest decision, but she had propped him up during a terrifying period of not knowing what had happened to her. And in a lot of ways, that time period and the lessons of acceptance and adapting she'd learned as part of that stage of their relationship had helped Rose gain the patience that she'd needed for what could come later in her life.

It all came down to that Gordian Knot. Between the Black and White Guardians nudging her timeline and the Doctor and her both making some poor choices when emotionally compromised, they'd made a mess of everything. It didn't change that they were happy now, but Rose remembered those early days and the confusion that was so mixed up in their relationship. She'd been so uncomfortable with their relationship for a time before making peace with the complexities.

"I'm sorry," her husband apologised.

"I know." Rose smiled at him and patted the sofa, silently asking him to join her.

Despite the nervous energy still plaguing him, the Doctor joined her and reached over to take her hand. "We made a mess of things, didn't we?"

"We were living people who made choices," Rose corrected. "Some good, some bad, and some just complicated." She studied the Doctor's face and then leaned forward to kiss him softly. His lips were warm and soft against hers. The gesture was comforting in a way that she knew her younger self wouldn't understand for many years. "I'm okay with the kiss," Rose told him when they parted. "I know it probably isn't the permission you'd prefer, but looking back… I think the way it affected me and forced me to think more critically about your role in my life was a good thing." Giving him a slight smile, Rose bumped his shoulder. "After all, it would have been too easy to fall into that ridiculous hero worship that some people do. On the other hand, I learned very quickly that sometimes you did stupid and confusing things and left me…." Rose hesitated when the Doctor grimaced. "Left me to sort out the consequences for myself."

"I feel I should apologise again," the Doctor sighed. "Sounds like I hurt you."

"Yes and no," Rose groaned and slumped back on the sofa. She squeezed the Doctor's hand. "That confusion prepared me for everything that Black and White were going to throw my way. I don't know. It was messy, but on the other hand, working through all of that was part of what made me who I am." Rose smiled softly at the Doctor. "And I like who I am."

"So do I," the Doctor agreed softly. "Though, seems more like I was stumbling through things and being an obstacle."

"There are so many things I could say in response to that," Rose laughed. "But I'll spare you since I can tell this bothers you too."

"I was never, ever trying to make you become anything," the Doctor said firmly. "You were brave and clever when we first met. You never needed to change." The Doctor kissed the top of her head. "You sure you're okay with the kiss?"

"Yeah. It's part of my growth, part of me learning how to cope with the insanity that my life would become." Giving the Doctor a tongue touched smile, she added, "Besides, all that aside, I know we both prefer you being my first kiss."

"That is true." The Doctor pulled her closer. "Should have been the only man you ever kissed," he grumbled.

"Right, maybe when you stop flirting all the time," Rose teased.

"You flirt too, darling!"

"That I do, my love." Rose twisted just enough to kiss the Doctor again, smiling when she noted that he was more relaxed now. "Besides, you'll never be able to get Jack to stop sneaking kisses when he can. From either of us."