"If you refuse he kills someone you love. So you do it"- Mockingjay, Chapter 12
HAYDEN (3)
Hayden Odair, aged 21. District 4
When something awful happens, afterwards, everyone always says that it all happens so quickly. That events all blur together. That, afterwards, there's just a cold sense of shock and a lack of understanding. But that's not the case for Hayden.
He remembers every second of what happened, with a bone chilling clarity that doesn't leave him still, years after the event. Is this what it's like to be Finnick, he thinks later. To have seen something horrendous and been helpless to stop it. To see it again and again.
(But no, Finnick didn't see something horrendous. He was the something horrendous.)
Perhaps what was so awful about that day, was that before it became the worst day of his life ever, it had been becoming the best day ever of his life.
To start with, Finnick was away again, which immediately put Hayden in a much better mood.
"When is Finnick coming home," Sammy always asked their parents when he had been away for too long.
(How long is too long to be away from a place and yet still live there?)
The boy who had always been shinier, brighter, than Hayden, barely even remembered he had a family these days. So many days, weeks, months were spent out of reach of them all now, in the Capitol. The home of the rich and the famous.
(Was that what Finnick was now?)
Hayden's parents always soothed her with white lies. 'He's doing important work for the President' or 'all Victors need to go to the Capitol a lot', or Hayden's favourite lie- 'Finnick will be home soon'.
Hayden wondered how his parents could excuse Finnick's behaviour so easily. Surely they couldn't be alright with their eighteen year old son attending wild and scandalous events in the Capitol that were broadcast to the world. Surely they couldn't be alright with his well-known proclivity for much older lovers, people sometime around his parent's own age, who he moved through so quickly, without even a second glance. Surely they couldn't be alright that Finnick had now abandoned them, his family, for the Capitol. Hayden had tried asking his parents about it, but his father never wanted to talk about his second son's absence and Hayden's mother always tried to fob him off with the same lies she fed Sammy.
"Finnick is a Victor. He has to do what he has to do."
How could that be true though, when none of the other Victors of District Four were in the Capitol, partying, every other week? Hayden was even tempted to confront Finnick's old lady mentor, Mags, at one point when she was visiting their home, but her cold eyes and sharp tongue put him off before he could find the words.
Sometimes Hayden felt like he was the only one who seemed to care that Finnick had turned into a completely different person. The truth was it seemed, quite simply, that Finnick didn't need them anymore and he didn't really want them. Hayden's brother was living the life he had always wanted for himself where he was a star, desired by the world, living a life of frivolity and freedom.
Hayden was almost happy for him, in the only bitter twisted way he could allow himself to be happy for his little brother, if only it weren't constantly being splashed in Hayden's face. The holonet was obsessed with not only his Capitol parties and much older, richer, lovers, but also his appearance and the way he dressed and the silly vapid comments he made to the reporters who seemed to be forever flocking to him. The anger he tried to swallow up came not just from the fact that Finnick was his younger brother (to live in a younger sibling's shadow is never easy) but also because Hayden shared Finnick's bronze curls, long tanned limbs, and angular features, and with it had a mind filled with much more that the flirty innuendos that seemed to be all his brother could produce. Yet all the world was obsessed with Finnick whilst Hayden was just another cog in his District's machine.
When Finnick was away however, it was easier to forget he ever had a brother. Easier to step back into the footprints of his old life. (Old job, old friends, Mab. Mab.)
His friends used to ask about Finnick when he first came back from the Games. Then, being Finnick Odair's friend (or neighbour or acquaintance) was something to boast about. Perhaps they thought some of Finnick's fame would rub off on them. Perhaps they thought his easy life would benefit them all. Hayden's heart still clenched every time he remembered the way Mab has asked about his little brother back then. 'How is Finnick?', 'Is Finnick coming today', 'Do tell Finnick we're thinking about him'.
But as the weeks and months passed, and Finnick's absence became more and more pronounced their friends had learned the same bitterness that Hayden had always found so easy to summon around his brother, and they had hardened their hearts to Finnick Odair. Every so often Finnick would make an appearance down on the beach at their driftwood fire, but there was a distance there now that had never been there when they were all children. A normal part of life perhaps, growing up and moving on. Drifting apart. However, Finnick's currents were taking him further and faster away than the rest of them. The cold part of Hayden's heart couldn't help but be warmed by the fact that this group of friends preferred him, Hayden, over the wonderful and remarkable Finnick Odair.
Did that make him a bad person? (Did he really care?)
XXX
The best day (so far) of Hayden Odair's life goes like this:
It is late afternoon, and they're down at the beach, at their driftwood fire. The usual gang: Hayden, lanky Joe, Leila, whose grandmother had lived down the lane back when Hayden lived a normal life. And Joe's sister, Mab. Oh Mab.
Hayden has never found the courage to tell her how he feels about her. He's never been good with people, knowing the right words to say. Not like Finnick. (Why can't you forget about Finnick for once?) But now, Hayden and Mab sit together now, enjoying the late afternoon sun whilst Hayden fixes nets, like he always has, and Mab threads shells onto bracelets for the tourists. Leila and Joe are deep in a conversation of their own across the firepit from them, so Hayden and Mab sit in a comfortable silence.
Hayden tries not to look at her, but she's so close and he's so, so in love. Mab. Oh, Mab. She's so beautiful of course, but she's so much more than that as well. Her easy laugh, her strong confidence, her kind heart. She's so kind that Hayden aches to find such goodness within himself when he's in her presence, if only to prove himself worthy of her.
Her long blond hair catches the late afternoon rays and for a moment he's captivated. Which is when she catches him looking. Hayden turns away immediately, of course. He can feel his cheeks beginning to turn red and wishes more than anything in that moment he could control his treacherous blush.
But then he feels her soft hand on his arm, and he can't help but look back up at her. Her eyes are big and there's something in them Hayden can't quite read.
"I don't mind if you look at me Hayden," Mab says softly, as tentatively she moves her hand down his arm to cover his own palm.
He looks down at it.
They're holding hands. Sort of.
Has Hayden been that obvious then that Mab has known all along how he feels about her? Could it be possible that she feels even a fraction of the emotion in Hayden's chest, for him?
He can't say, but the rapid beating of his heart lets him know something is about to happen before it does.
She kisses him, and it's soft and warm and everything, just like her.
He kisses her back and his heart feels so full he thinks it might burst.
"What was that for?" he says when it's over.
"Because you're you," Mab smiles back, which makes Hayden's heart swell even more. Is that smile because of him? Has he made her feel this way?
Later he asks her why she chose him, over Finnick.
"I've never wanted Finnick," she says. "I've only ever wanted you."
Being Finnick Odair's brother has consumed his life for so long. The jealously and the anger and the bitterness is like a second skin. But here, in this moment, with Mab, he finally has something Finnick has never had. Finally, he's been picked first, and Finnick doesn't even matter.
(Why has he let this control his life?)
XXX
The worst day of Hayden Odair's life (ever) starts like this:
When he gets back to the house there's a hovercraft outside and the front door is flung wide, wide open. Hovercrafts come from only place. Hayden's never seen one before in person and normally he'd want to take a closer look, but a sudden flood of terror has captured his heart, and is dragging it downstream to a place he's only ever visited before in his worst nightmares.
His first instinct is to run. Run far, far away. But his feet are frozen to the stone path that leads the way across the grass to the houses in Victor's Cove. He doesn't want to go inside. If he doesn't, if he just stays here, he can pretend nothing is different. Nothing is out of the ordinary. He can go back to how wonderful everything was only five minutes ago. He can back to that perfect day, nothing has to ruin it. But he knows it's too late. From the moment he saw that hovercraft and the open door it had been too late. he can try to go back to how everything was, but it will still be lurking there at the back of his mind. And it will still be waiting for him when he finally does find the courage to cross that threshold.
Hayden is still deliberating about what he should do when he spots the blood in the doorway. Just a bloody smear, but enough to know that something had happened. And after that he can't ignore it any longer. What if there is someone inside hurt and bleeding out and Hayden, but just standing there, is letting it happen. Letting them die. No. No, it's time to be brave. It's time for Hayden to be a hero for once.
He steps inside the house.
The hallway is dark, but Hayden can immediately see signs of a struggle. Furniture has been knocked over, clothes are strewn all over the floor, as if hurriedly thrown to the ground, and a lamp has been smashed falling down. And off course there's more blood. Hayden can feel his heart thumping in his chest and once more his whole body seems paralysed with fear, but he forces his feet forward and he heads further into the house. He wants to close his eyes. He knows that whatever he's about to see will haunt him for years, every time he closes his eyes. He wants to turn around and find Mab and bury his face in her neck and forget this house. Forget the hovercraft, the Capitol. Forget Finnick. Because surely whatever is happening here is because of Finnick. What has he done to bring them here?
He holds his breath as he opens the next door.
And then wishes he hadn't.
There's a man standing in the centre of the room. A man Hayden has never seen before, with sallow skin, dark hair, and black eyes. His clothes are black too, but the cut looks far to refined to be from around here. This man is from the Capitol.
But it's not the man that causes the panic streaming through Hayden's veins, it's the gun that's the man is holding, and the person who the gun is being aimed at.
It's his father, on his knees, in front of this Capitol stranger, the gun barrel pressed right up against his forehead. Tomas Odair doesn't look well. There's blood streaked across his cheek (did that blood in the hallway belong to him?) and his clothes look crumpled and torn. And his eyes, his eyes look so hollow and dull and empty. Something terrible has happened here.
"Hello Hayden," the man says when he sees him. Hayden wonders how long he's been standing there, pointing a gun to his father's head, and just waiting for him.
"Don't hurt him!" They're not quite the words Hayden had meant to say. He had so many questions. Who was this man? Why was he here? Where was everyone else? What the hell was going on?
The man seems to be able to read this on Hayden's face however and answers all the unasked questions without prompting.
"Finnick Odair has a responsibility to the Capitol, one which last night he failed to fulfil. He knew what the consequences of his actions would be, but it appears that the lives of his family meant so little to him that he was willing to sacrifice you all." The man gives a wry smile at this, and Hayden's fear comes bubbling right up to the surface once more. But the man continues.
"However, the President is feeling generous. You, Hayden, and that little sister of yours will be free to go."
That Tomas Odair, with the gun pressed up against his temple, is not so lucky goes unsaid.
"Where's my mother?" Hayden says. He wishes he could hide the desperation in his voice, but the man only grins wider.
"Your mother is dead, boy. Your uncle too. Killed in a boat crash if anyone asks. In fact, the whole boat crew didn't make it." The man readjusts his grip on the gun in his hand as if to highlight his point.
No! Does he say it out? Hayden's not sure, but the man hears it anyway.
Tomas Odair is till silent, eyes vacant. Did he see Hayden's mother die? He's not even trying to fight back. He's given up, Hayden realises.
Which is when, suddenly, Hayden remembers himself. He makes to run forward, to snatch the weapon out of this Capitol man's hand and turn it back on him, but suddenly there's another man at Hayden's back holding him back. Desperation surges up, and Hayden struggles, to free himself, but the grip is tight. Unyielding.
No.
"This is because of your brother," the man says. Then he raises the gun until it rests right up against Hayden's father's head. "You tell him that this is what happens when you think you're above the rules."
And then he pulls the trigger.
And then Hayden's father is falling.
And somewhere, someone is screaming.
And then he realises it's him.