Chapter 15: Uselessness
On reflex, Ayanami shielded herself when the explosion occurred next to her. After feeling no more flying pieces, there was a great deal of smoke covering Unit-01. Using the shield, she swung it to pull the smoke away. Clearing most of the ash clouds, she looked at the purple war machine. Parts of rifle shot into the Eva in multiple areas making its blood ooze out.
"..." she said. Feeling her eyes widen, there were long poles and holes going through the Eva's throat near the entry plug. Trying to get the video communication up, all she got was static. She quickly tried the audio, it worked.
"Pilot Ikari, are you alright?" she asked in her quiet monotone voice. When nothing came she tried again.
"Pilot Ikari, are you there?"
She got something but not what she was expecting. She heard metal moving, screeching, and bending. Quietly, there were low growls that sounded like the male pilot. However, tt gave the impression that there was more than one person inside. Loud cracking and popping noises emitted through the comm-link. The grotesque sound of them and hearing him breathing broke her thought.
The spirit in Unit-00 was worried about the male pilot, but couldn't do much of anything. She could imagine what was going through the spirit's mind in the purple Eva. Yui looked at the male pilot with horror. She wanted to scream and act but she couldn't. Not only was her captor pulling her back into the void, multiple presences around her blocked her. They seemed to enjoy watching her suffer and struggle. Imaginary tears ran freely down her amorphous face seeing crimson and LCL flow in the cockpit.
"Pilot Ikari, please respond," Rei asked again. Pausing and analyzing something inside her, a small feeling crept in her. She felt compelled to get the pilot out to safety. A comm-link to the command post opened up.
[Rei! Have you had contact with Shinji yet?!] Misato said with worry.
"No, he won't respond. Something inside seems to be crushing him," the female pilot stated back with worry.
"...!?" Misato and Ritsuko said. Blinking, they looked at each other a little startled. Hearing the First Child express an emotion or any emotion towards someone other than the Commander was new. Both pushed it aside.
[Rei, get the entry plug out manually! A medic team will be there to pick him up!]
"Roger."
Ayanami moved the shield to the side and kneeled down. Grabbing the cover on the back of Unit-01's neck, she ripped it off and initiated the manual ejection. The entry plug had a hard time spiraling upwards, but continued. Once it stopped, her worry raised a level from seeing not one, but multiple shards through the capsule. There was also LCL fluid leaking from the punctures as well as blood.
Grabbing the entry-plug, she set it on the ground that was not damaged from the explosion. Letting go, she laid her Eva down on its side and ejected. The entry plug spiraled upward and the door depressurized. When the hatch opened up, she climbed out and landed on the ground. Immediately heading for Unit-01's capsule, it made her pondered many questions.
'Why...am I doing this?'
'Why do I feel the need to see Ikari safe?'
'Is it because he is like me, a pilot?'
'Is it because…he thinks like me?'
'I believe that is the answer…though I am not sure.'
'He is similar to the Commander yet he is different than the Commander.'
'There are many questions that are still unknown…is that why I worry?'
'His proposal earlier,' she thought. Getting close to the entry-plug, she slowed down to a walk.
'…I accept it…I want him to help me understand these questions and feelings,' she thought standing in front of the door hatch.
"Pilot Ikari, can you hear me? Please respond." she asked in her quiet tone.
When nothing came, she tried the handles on the hatch. As much as she winced from the super-hot metal, she could only turn the handles a little. Letting go, she wondered why they wouldn't completely open. Looking at the handles closely, she saw small shards of metal that were jammed in it. Based on how smashed the turning mechanism looked, the handle was most likely broken. She stared back at the hatch.
"Ikari…please respond," Rei asked. Blinking from seeing movement, blood and LCL was oozing out a puncture hole. An odd feeling went through as something developed in her eyes. It formed then started coming down her cheeks. Holding out her hands, a tear dropped on one. It formed a bubble due to the plug suit's non-porous material.
'These…these are tears,' she thought. Another one come down as something started to make her mind twist a little.
'Tears are meant for sadness.'
'Ikari is trapped and I can't get him out…' Ayanami thought feeling her hands clinch into fists.
'I…I…I don't know what to do.'
As more tears came out, she began to experience uselessness. Her mind felt painful as her face started to grimace. Thinking about the proposal again and the aspect that it couldn't be fulfilled, it made her more frustrated. She pounded on the hatch with all her might knowing that she couldn't do anything except make a dent on the hatch.
"Ikari…please come out…I do not…wish to have…these feelings…anymore," she pleaded between fits of tears and chokes.
Making two last slams, she slid down to her knees on the ground. Sobbing, she tried to cope with her new emotions despite being painful to bear. From the forest, Misato and a medic team walked quickly. They shined flashlights in the direction of where the Evas were last. After a short time, they found both Units on the ground. Going down in elevation a little, Misato spotted one person in front of the entry plug of Unit-01. The blue hair was hard to miss from a distance.
"Rei!" she called out.
Jogging towards the female pilot, two medical people near turned and followed. Other search lights went on through the forest looking for debris from the explosion. They also searched for the Third Child or parts of him, in case that scenario happened. Getting closer, they saw something that they would never believe. It froze them stiff.
"Rei?" Misato asked in shock.
"…Captain…Ikari…is…I can't…I feel…" Ayanami tried to say.
She was trying to hold her tears but they kept coming. Before anyone said anything, something started to move. Everyone turned their heads to the handles as they popped into the open positions. As they started to turn slowly, Rei's sobbing lessened as she stood up. The two medics and Misato stared with a higher level of shock.
"That's not possible. There are no handles on the inside for a manual exit," the Captain stated softly.
The handles made it half way then stopped. It turned back a little then back again and stopped in the same position. The four watched as the handles repeated turning but never came to completely open. The First Child pondered that it was the Third Child trying to get out and walked to them. She gripped the handles and turned.
Making small grunts, she kept pushing until small metal grinds and pops were heard. Hearing a giving thud sound, the handles were able to turn completely open. The multiple presences around Yui faded away and she looked at the scene. She tried to connect with the plug but the power was off. She felt the other Eva lend a hand to get the interior lights to work and see the pilot's condition. The hatch unlocked and slowly opened. The scent of LCL fluid reached the people outside.
"Ikari," Ayanami called.
Popping her head inside, Misato came from behind and did the same. It was pretty dark, but they could hear deep breathing. The Captain turned the flashlight on her helmet and shined it at the where the breathing was. Spotting the Third Child still sitting the cockpit, both looked at Shinji's face. His eyes were closed and he was breathing through his nose. Misato sighed in relief that he was alive.
"Ikari, are you injured?" Rei asked.
"I am Miss Ayanami," Shinji said stoically.
Both saw blood flow out of his mouth which stiffened them a little. The entry-plug's internal lights went on and both women saw what was inside. Misato's eyes widen with horror as she covered her mouth. Rei's eyes widen scared that he might die. Naoko did the same as Misato while Yui did the same thing as Rei.
The male pilot was splashed and dripping with blood. The LCL liquid in the capsule was slowly changing to a more reddish orange. The male pilot sat calmly in his seat, hands to his side and relaxed. What made him have to labor his breathing were the multiple shards of the positron rifle that went through his body.
In his chest were three, two foot long looking needles about half-inch around. It was questionable about them hitting internal organs. His shoulders had gashes by the near misses of two poles. They shot through ceiling and just stopped above his shoulders. The sides of his head were bleeding at a trickle rate.
His right calf and hip looked out of place in a painful way. There was large metal pole that was laying next to his right with a puncture hole nearby. What frighten both more was the long metal shard that entered his left mid-stomach. It was bleeding, but not too profusely. The blood coming out of his mouth didn't help either.
"...Shinji…" the Captain stated softly. It looked like the Third Child had been in a car wreck.
His voices became silent. It reminded of the past when his mind was clear most of the time. Flashbacks of something similar to what he was currently in gave him goosebumps. Remembering the adults in his past, he slowly closed his hands into fists. Opening his eyes slowly, he started pulling out the objects in his body. Misato was about to stop him but she watched him closely instead.
'…it's like he's been through this before…'
'Shinji…what on earth happen to you…' she, Naoko, and Yui thought in horror. Watching him pull them out one by one, his expression never changed. His face was not registering them as painful. Still being conscious and moving around while doing this was disturbing and inhuman.
Ayanami watched still feeling useless, but couldn't get herself to move. Cold shivers kept going down her spine at every object that was pulled out and blood flowed. Shinji took the blade out of his side. Blood came out and he set it aside. All that was left was his leg. Bending forward a little, he felt around. A soft sigh went through his nose that went slightly notice.
"What is wrong Ikari?" Ayanami asked looking at the leg then at him.
"I have seemed to...dislocate my leg...in two areas," he said quietly.
Rei nodded and Misato called the medics. As soon as they got close to the hatch, something occurred. The male pilot shifted in his seat. Bringing his right hip up, the two spirits and the two women could see it was bulging a little. Placing his hands around his thigh, he slowly pushed it toward his foot. Misato paled more watching the thigh bone slowly and audibly grinded its way back into place ending with a terrible pop.
Moving his leg a little, he brought his right knee up. Both Rei and Misato could see the calf was bulging to one side. Shinji put one hand under his calf and another near his ankle. In one swift push, a grotesque crack sounded loud in the entry plug. It made Misato, Naoko, and Yui pale and Rei's mouth to open. Not even a gasp or an expression of pain as he realigned his leg.
Testing out his right leg, his foot was responding and felt his calf muscles flexing and lengthening. Moving his leg outward, there was no issue and seemed to be in working condition. He got up from his seat and slowly headed toward the hatch opening.
"May I ask the both of you to back up?" he replied stoically. Standing and staring at them, he covered his side wound that was still bleeding.
Both women did what he asked and slowly saw him exiting the capsule. Both human souls went back to their chambers and watched the rest from a far. Standing outside, he furiously pressed his side to get the wound to stop bleeding. The medics stared in bewilderment on how he could still be walking or conscious. His shoulders looked like they were in a blood bath as well as his face, abdomen, and torso. He also favored his left leg a little while standing.
"Is there anything...that is needed...Miss Misato?" Shinji asked calmly. Misato was going to say no when she thought better.
"Last thing is to have you checked up Shinji. Who knows, you might have more broken bones?" she said. Trying to sound strong, she was shaking a little and pale from what he just did.
"Shall I give the medic team a list then?" he asked still looking at her.
"…?"
Shinji waited and the Captain slowly nodded her head. Turning toward the medic team, they flinched looking like they saw a ghost. He walked slowly over to them. They held their ground but looked like they wanted to run. He asked one of them for a number of items which one responded saying they were in the medical chopper nearby.
Bowing slightly, he began heading toward the air lift vehicle. He was walking a little slower than normal while holding his side with one arm. A couple of times, the pilot would cough sending a little blood to the ground. The medic team then got berated by an angry Misato for letting the injured pilot go. She and the team turned and found Rei catching up to him.
"Pilot Ikari, I would advise you to let the medic team take you. You are gravely injured," she stated. Walking in front of him, she turned around and stopped to face him.
"…" he said. Not stopping, he walked around her and continued forward. All his senses were weakened from the blood loss. An older voice was chuckling in his head as he repeated a procedure over and over in his mind. The female pilot blinked then became frustrated. Walking next to him again, she tried again.
"Pilot Ikari, you are behaving irrational. As a fellow pilot, I insist that…" Rei trailed off seeing something off. Stopping, he continued to shuffle forward. She saw a medic staff member walk up behind the male pilot and grabbed his shoulder.
"Pilot Ikari, stop. We will-!" he stated.
Without warning and uncanny quickness, the Third Child instantly pivoted around and slugged the man in his temple. The medic fell to the ground and didn't move. Another medical person tried to grab him and he was knocked out as well. Misato was about to shout at him when she saw his face. His eyes were dully shining, the dark magenta color piercing through the dark lighting around them.
'He looks dead,' she thought feeling a shiver. The Captain watched as he slowly turned around and continued heading for the helicopter. Looking at the First Child, she was looking back and forth between the male pilot and the unconscious medics.
'…why…'
'Why did he do that?' Rei thought as the uselessness feeling came back. It made her grimace again as she closed her hands into fists.
'Why is he resisting help?'
'Is he angry…his expression was neutral though,' she thought. Turning toward him and walking forward, her eyes were looking at the ground.
'He ignored me when I spoke…is he angry with me?'
'Is it because I failed to protect him? My orders were only to protect him from the Angel's attack. The rifle exploding was unexpected,' she thought walking faster. Stating what she was ordered and using a logical explanation did not lower the state in her mind.
'I don't like this feeling. I want it to stop,' she thought. Looking up, the medical helicopter was a few yards in front of him. Thinking he would need assistance to get in, she tried to catch up to him. Misato called the remaining medics to pick up their two fallen. She headed toward the helicopter.
Back in the Evas, the two spirits were trying to digest of what they witness. Naoko was very intrigued about the child's upbringing. Yui sat and hugged her form. She felt horrible and infuriated that what she dreamt of Shinji's future would never come to light. Instead, she got the tremendous feeling that his life growing up was nothing less between hell and a nightmare with never any mercy.
Once in front of the medical helicopter, the Third Child opened the door and climbed in. Shortly thereafter, Ayanami entered. Seeing that he was the only one inside, he was heading toward the back end of the compartment space. About to head toward him, footsteps were heard from behind.
"Rei, is Shinji being treated by anyone in here?"
"No," she said. Both heard movement inside. Ayanami saw the male pilot pulling out medical supplies then sit on one of the benches.
"He is doctoring himself."
"…!?" the Captain said climbing in. Seeing he had prepared a couple of needles, he grabbed a scalpel.
"Shinji, what are you doing!? Put the knife down!"
"…" the male pilot stated.
Not complying, he cut off a piece of the plug suit that covered the end of his left bicep and beginning of his forearm. Pulling the piece of fabric off, he placed the knife down. He alcohol swabbed the skin where the blood vein was. Taking syringe, he injected it into his skin. Leaving the cap with the needle in, he exchanged the top for a small vial.
Blood flowed into and filled the small thin jar. Exchanging it for a connection tube, it was hooked up to a blood pouch. The red liquid started flowing out and into his arm. Instead of berating him, the Captain walked toward him and sat on the bunk that was across from where he was sitting. Rei followed and sat next to her.
The copter pilot came into the compartment and told Misato that they were good to go. Nodding, she told him to get them to the medical facility. Shortly after, the roar of the helicopter engine came on followed by it lifting off the ground. During the ride, the two women watched as the Third Child continued to doctor himself. The Captain watched in disgust on how he wasn't affected by what he was doing.
More disturbingly, how he knew what to take and use such as injecting himself. After a couple of blood pouches were empty, he removed the needle cap from his arm. Getting a cotton ball and tape, he secured them over the puncture. Grabbing the remaining needles, he self injected them. Putting the syringes and needles in the hazardous box nearby, he closed his eyes.
'Thank you sir for your assistance,' Shinji thought bowing deeply.
'It was my pleasure,' an older sounding Ikari stated with a chuckle. 'You are still pretty much a rag doll. I was going to make you take an anti-depressant…however, the look on their faces is grand. So, I won't force you.'
'Very well sir,' he thought.
Opening his eyes, he felt more awake and feeling stronger. Looking out the window, the helicopter was hovering over a landmass when a section of it opened up. Descending, it went down through a large silo with an opening at the bottom. The environment changed to the Geo-Front as the aircraft headed toward the medical facility.
Moving to the next item, he slipped on a light brace on his right calf. Though his hip was still tender, there were no ice packs to use. The last part was bandaging the wounds. Misato saw something in the corner of her eye. Rei was looking at Shinji directly.
"Is there something wrong?" the male pilot asked. He began to wrap bandages around his head.
"Do you need assistance Ikari?" Ayanami asked quietly.
"No, but thank you for asking," he stated. Finishing the last wrap, he moved to another wound to dress.
"…" the female pilot said looking down at the floor. Her hands on her thighs closed into fists.
"…" Misato said grimacing a little from seeing Rei's expression.
Turning back to the male pilot, she watched as he covered the rest of his wounds. An uncomfortable silence proceeded as neither of them said anything. The aspect that he still looked like a wreck from the blood still on him bothered her. After completing that, he got a damp cloth and wiped his face and his hands. Strangely, he didn't wipe any other exposed areas that were covered in blood. Disposing of the cloth, he got a clipboard with a pen and paper on it. He began writing on it.
"What are you writing?" Misato asked breaking the tense atmosphere.
"The medical supplies I used. How much blood was injected, solutions and drugs that were used, and the amount of gaze and padding used," Shinji replied with a blank expression.
"Who is it for?"
"Medical staff for documentation."
"…I see..." Misato said crossing her arms over her chest.
"How is your chest doing?" she asked seeing the three red punctures. Despite him not putting bandages over them, they seemed to have clotted already.
'That is abnormally fast. Those weren't mild puncture wounds,' the Captain thought.
"Other than being more aerodynamic, movement is tender and slower," Shinji said finished writing.
'…?'
'…did he just crack a joke?!' the Captain thought in surprise. Under different circumstances, she would have laughed or snickered. Seeing how unfazed he was from doctoring himself and feeling depressed looking the female pilot, Misato couldn't enjoy the joke.
Rei looked up to see the Third Child place the clipboard on the bunk he was on. He placed his hands together on his lap and closed his eyes. Looking at the clipboard, she blinked in surprise when the Captain went and grabbed it. Placing it between them, both read the medical notes that he wrote down. As they continued, they came to injury section in which all he had on it was blood smears and spots. Looking at him, his eyes were still closed.
The helicopter landed on a H-pad where a few medical staff members were outside waiting. The three exited from the aircraft which Misato held onto the clipboard. As the staff got closer, they looked at the Third Child perplexed. Despite being bloody, there were bandages and he was walking fine. Misato and Rei looked at him with confusion as he walked normally on both feet.
'…how can he walk normally? He struggled earlier,' Rei thought.
She watched the Third Child walk toward the medical facility by himself. Looking at his body for any wincing or pain, she found none. More questions kept building in her head in which her frustration peaked. Suddenly, a boiling over feeling came.
'I don't understand,' she thought clenching her teeth together.
"Rei?" Misato asked seeing her stop. Recoiling, the female pilot's expression was more than irritated.
'I don't understand,' she thought walking forward. Other medical staff stood by watching in surprise that the First Child expressed an emotion.
'I don't understand,' Rei thought again. Running after the male pilot, he entered the medical facility.
"Here are the notes you need," the Captain stated. Handing the clipboard to the doctor near her, she ran after the First Child. She wasn't too sure what the female pilot will do, but feared it wasn't going to be pleasant.
Shinji ignored all the stares and continued to walk forward. His voices were rolling and throwing fits of laughter since getting off the helicopter. Upon entering the building, the older voice from before came to mind. It stated the room that held the x-ray machine along with other scans. Thanking him, he suddenly heard fast footsteps behind. The First Child ran passed him then stopped. Turning around to face him, she looked very unpleased.
"PILOT IKARI!" she shouted with frustration. Her voice echoed down the hallway making people turn to them.
"Is there something I can help you with Miss Ayanami?" he asked. Stoically staring at her, he was not fazed or flinched from her outburst. Misato slowed down and stood back a few feet in surprise.
"I don't understand you."
"Am I hard to understand?"
"Yes," Rei said. She was trying to calm down despite keeping the displeased expression.
"I see."
"…"
"Is there anything else I can help you with?"
"…why…" Rei asked. She began to shake from getting more and more frustrated.
"Why…are you doing this?"
"Doing what Miss Ayanami?"
"You are making me frustrated."
"I see. If I may ask, what have I done to make you frustrated?"
"...!?" Rei said blinking. She took a sharp breath intake.
"Everything!"
"Everything?"
"Yes! Everything! I don't understand why you do things the way you do!"
'Whoa,' Misato thought. 'Rei just had her bottle burst…guess that means she is normal underneath all that stark personality…actually, this is refreshing to see.'
"I see."
"Explain!"
"Explain what Miss Ayanami?"
"I want to understand why you do the things you do."
"…" Shinji said with a blink. "I am confused Miss Ayanami. I thought anyone who has looked at my profile would understand."
"…" Rei said blinking and calming down a little. "Your profile?"
"Yes."
"…" she looked down a little thinking hard. A few moments passed, nothing came to her mind as she looked back at him.
"I don't recall it well."
'Hell if I remember,' Misato thought trying to follow along.
"I see," Shinji said then leaned forward and whispered in her ear.
"…?!" Rei said flabbergasted. He leaned back with a stoic expression.
"Is there anything else I can help you with?"
"…" the First Child said feeling unsatisfied with answer. It made understanding anything he did more difficult. A thought of it being pointless came to her in which she reacted strongly against it.
"…I…I…I…" she spoke firmly. Shaking her head, she looked back at her angry.
"I do not accept that answer!"
"No?"
"No! It doesn't help me understand! It makes it impossible to understand!"
"…" the male pilot stated then blinked. "I would agree. Trying to explain why an insane person acts the way he or she does is rather difficult."
'…oh shit…I completely forgot he's schizo,' Misato thought feeling a headache brewing in her head.
Looking around her, there were more medical staff members that were looking down the hallway watching the two pilots' conversation. However, they were looking at the First Child. None of them, including Misato, have ever seen a person rile up the female pilot so much. Not even the Commander produced the emotions that his son could.
"Does that mean you won't explain?" Rei asked not shaking anymore.
"…" Shinji said hearing his voices acting up. They were speaking in various volumes, one after another, sending flashbacks in his mind after each statement.
'Explain to her the suffering.'
'Explain to her the anguish.'
'Explain to her the pain.'
'Explain to her the nightmares.'
'Explain to her the wounds that won't heal.'
'Explain to her the loss of purity.'
'Explain to her the loss of love.'
'Explain to her the loss of self.'
'Explain to her the abandonment.'
'Explain to her how your parents left you for dead.'
'Explain to her how your life is meaningless.'
'Explain to her how your reality will smash into pieces.'
'Explain to her how death is your only salvation.'
'Explain to her how hollow, shallow, pitiful, and an empty!'
"I can only try Miss Ayanami," he said finally. It seemed to ease the tension on her face from being angry.
"Was there anything else you needed Miss Ayanami?"
"…" she said blinking remembering the conversation on the catwalks.
"Would you like to continue the discussion we had before the mission began Miss Ayanami?" he said with a bright smile on his face. The child voice took over his facial expression. He was too weak mentally to resist.
"…!?" she looked at him with a surprised face. Despite more questions developing in her head, she saw his expression being more pleasant than mocking. Strangely, it made her feel better to see him smiling at her. It was similar to the Commander smiling at her.
"…yes…" she stated quietly. She felt the corners of her mouth move up just a tad.