15/

It had been two weeks since I'd sent Tig the letter and still I had no reply. Damn him. If after everything I'd poured into that letter he didn't have the decency to reply then I was going to make him: in person.

I pulled into the parking lot of Stockton State Penitentiary perhaps a little faster than I should have, my tires squealing as I pulled to a stop. I was fuming, the drive out here allowing me to think on everything more. It had been a mistake getting involved with Tig again; a mistake to even think he'd bother replying to my heartfelt letter.

I passed through security and stormed into the visitation room, the heels of my boots clacking dangerously on the concrete flooring. He was already there waiting for me.

"I poured my heart out and you don't even have the decency to reply?" I snarled placing my hands on the table in front of him and not bothering to sit.

He slid an envelope across the table toward me. "I was gonna post it today."

"Yeah. I'll bet you were." I snarled pulling out the chair as I reached down with my other hand to grab the envelope and begin opening it.

"Don't read it now."

"Why shouldn't I?"

"Trust me baby. Read it later."

"Fine." I griped as I placed it back down in front of me. "How are things in here?"

"About as good as can be expected." He answered me.

I didn't know what to say so I only nodded. I wanted to know what was in the letter that sat unopened in front of me.

"Happy looking after you while I'm in here?" My eyes flicked up at his words. I knew what he was hinting at.

"He won't come near me till he knows there's nothing between you and me." I answered with a little more spite than I intended.

He sighed. "And do you want him to?"

"Geez Tig. I don't know! I don't know what I want okay?"

"Relax Doll. I just want you to be happy. That's all I want for you. So you do whatever you need to to make that happen. You hear me?"

"Wait. Are you saying you have no problem with Happy and I ..."

He cut me off. "I've never had a problem with what you and Happy have but you need to recognize it for what it is. I know he's part of the reason you're so torn up about us."

I sighed. I couldn't deny his words but it still surprised me that everyone else seemed to know more about what had been going on between me and Happy than I did. I knew my feelings for him had been creeping in and growing stronger for a while now. But I hadn't been aware of just how obvious that had been to everyone else.

"Is there anything about that in this?" I asked placing my hands on the letter in front of me.

"Maybe you should go. Read it in your own time Kat. I don't expect a reply." I looked at him closely and tried to read his eyes. They held the bright blue they got when he was being sincere but there was something else beneath his gaze; regret, maybe remorse. He reached across and took my hand in his as I searched his eyes.

"What does it say Tig?" I asked not sure what I wanted to hear him say.

"Just read it baby."

"Okay." I answered hesitantly.

"You should go." He said.

I could see a tear welling in the corner of his eye as I rose, my hand still in his. "Just know that I loved you baby. Through everything I still loved you."

"I might come visit you again."

"Just read what I wrote before you decide on that." He said letting go of my hand and motioning toward his letter that was in my other.

"Well I guess I'll see you later then."

"Goodbye Kitty Kat." he said quietly. I knew he thought it was the last time that I'd let him call me that.

I barely waited to open the door of my house before I was tearing the envelope open. I unfolded the letter inside as I pushed the door closed behind me and walked across the room to the dining table. I began reading as I pulled out a chair and sat down.

Katherine,

Her name was Kendra. It was before I was even a son so no one around here even knew her. And you were right. She was my world. She meant absolutely everything to me but so do you Kitty Kat. SO do you! I had no idea you felt that way and it broke my heart to read it. The only history I don't want to see repeated is losing you like I did her. There are things I will never do with you because I can't take that risk.

Sure you look like her and yes that was why I was originally attracted to you but you soon showed me you were more than just a familiar face. Hell I knew the sass and attitude I should expect from the daughter of Clay and Gemma but you gave me far more than I bargained for Kitty Kat. I knew long before I ever said the words out loud that I loved you.

Why were they always brunette you ask? It wasn't so they didn't remind me of you. It was so I felt like an asshole every time I slept with them. So I couldn't fool my mind into thinking I was with you because God knows I wanted it to be you. When you went away to college I thought we'd be okay, that we'd last the distance but every time you came back I felt a little more disconnected, like you'd gained a little more independence each time you were away. Every time you came back there was a little bit more of you gone, a little bit more of us whittled away. But that's no excuse for cheating.

I know I hurt you more than anyone else Kitty Kat. I handled everything wrong but it wasn't memories of Kendra that made me do it. I loved you Kat. I still love you now but I knew even then that a life with me wasn't what you needed. You were on the doorstep of achieving your dreams. I know you wanted to be a doctor from a young age. You were always destined for big things baby and I didn't want you to throw that all away. Ask yourself if you'd be where you are now if we'd had that baby.

And me. I have two grown daughters. One doesn't want to know me and the other only acknowledges me when she needs money. But you already know that. What you don't know is that I beat myself up about it everyday. What could I have done to make them a more important part of my life? What could I have done to make me a more important part of theirs? I couldn't let that happen again. I couldn't screw up another child's life Kat.

But despite all that I knew how much you wanted it. I knew you were hoping I'd change my mind so when you lost it I was angry. Not at you but at me. I thought that if I'd supported you, or once again handled things differently, it wouldn't be happening. I blamed myself for you losing that baby Kitty Kat. It made me see how badly I'd always treated you and that I wasn't what you deserved. That's why I cheated with Ima. I wanted to push you away. I knew that her reputation went along perfectly with driving that final wedge between us. Hell, she's the club's go to whore for fucking up everything good in our lives. I knew it would hurt you but I also knew that I didn't deserve you. You deserve perfect Kitty Kat and I could never give you that because my own fucked up insecurities.

I know you aimed to hurt me right back when you slept with Kozik and we've already spoken about that. I never blamed you for that Kitty Kat. You were acting out of spite. He should have known better though. You were never his to take and a brother never takes anothers old lady. That's why I could never give him my vote to become Samcro. While I'm pleased that he now is I couldn't give him my blessing. That would have been like telling him I forgave him for sleeping with you and I'll never do that.

I've always loved you for you Kitty Kat. The Presidents Daughter was off limits but that beautiful mixture of sass and innocence you gave me on that very first day had me hooked. I knew from that moment that I had to have you. You might have been young but you were far sexier, far more interesting than any woman I'd ever laid eyes on. The color of your hair is where the similarities to Kendra end. You are your own amazing person Kat and it was you I fell in love with, not a memory. You should know I would still do anything for you baby.

But like I said already Kitty Kat you deserve better. That's why I'm letting you go. You said you can't do this while I'm inside. I get that. I shouldn't have asked you to give us another try baby. You deserve better than me. I know you've been with Happy on and off for years. To think you were scared of him that afternoon that I inked my crow on you. Let him be what I can no longer be.

Alex.

I put the letter down on the table in front of me and wiped a tear from my eye. I hadn't been expecting such raw honesty from him. As much as I loved him and as close as we'd been never once had I realized just how insecure he was. Everything that he was for the club, everything that he had been to me was all a front to hide what had always been bubbling beneath the surface.

I'd bet he had never admitted any of that even to himself before writing it all down. I cast my eyes back over the letter. Ask yourself if you'd be where you are now if we'd had that baby.That line pulled at my heartstrings. I couldn't truthfully answer it but I knew where I wanted to be. Exactly where I was now but with an eight year old in tow. I know Mom would have helped me out and made sure I continued my studies. And I'd like to think Tig would have been right by my side too. I quickly pushed the thought from my mind. That's not where I was, that's not what had happened. I didn't like dwelling on it.

I blinked back the tears that threatened to fall as my eyes lingered on his last line. Let him be what I can no longer be. I realized that I couldn't let him give up and I couldn't let go knowing what I knew now of everything he'd felt all those years, both the years we'd been together and the years we'd been apart.

I had to see him again and soon.