Precursor Note: So, uh, I was trying out a different style with this chapter. The sections in regular text are the 'present' while the italicized sections are flashbacks. The flashbacks aren't in any particular order so have fun putting it all together XD

Chapter 9

I'll Never Shake Away the Pain

Amber eyes flickered up to the familiar figure that stood in his bedroom's doorway. Hazed blue orbs squinted at him, a hand gripping at short blond hair. The figure stumbled a step further into his room before those blue eyes managed to glare at the bright light the only lamp in the room was giving off.

Gabriel immediately dimmed the light to a soft glow with the slightest twitch of a finger. "Headache again?" he asked quietly.

His brother still made a sharp wince at the noise before slowly nodding and then cringed at the jostling movement. He let out the barest of huffs, shuffling closer to the bed. It took longer than usual for him to get comfortable, but they managed it, Lucifer's head eventually coming to rest in Gabriel's lap.

"Hurts," came the whispered whimper.

"Where does it hurt, brother?" the archangel asked in the same hushed tone.

Gabriel carefully, gently ran soothing fingers through his brother's hair as Lucifer squirmed in his spot instead of responding. Gabriel knew where it hurt – where it always hurt. (It wasn't his fault – wasn't it though? – that sometimes the most inconsequential thing would trigger something in Lucifer's subconscious that stirred sealed away memories – memories that never should have been there in the first place – which in turn caused these headaches.) He let the smallest amount of grace flow through his hand, letting it sooth his brother's mind into a quiet peace. It was the least he could do but still not enough to ease his guilt.

~o-O-o~

"How could you just lose him?" Gabriel demanded, shoving a pointed finger in Dean's face. "You had one job, Winchester— one!"

Dean smacked the hand away from his face, eyes matching their rival's own blazing glare. "And where the hell were you, huh? You left with Cas without even giving us a heads up!"

"Stop it. Both of you," Mary said, stepping in between them and pushing them a distance away from one another. However, both still held their respective glares.

"Find him," the archangel growled before storming out of the room in a rush of feathers.

Sam let out a weary sigh. "I guess it's a good thing I slipped Lucifer's phone back into his pocket."

Dean turned to look at his brother with a faux betrayed expression on his face. "You couldn't have said that while Goldilocks was about to chew my head off?" he scoffed.

Sam just shrugged, the picture of pure innocence. "You looked like you had it under control."

"Yeah right, bitch."

"Whatever, jerk."

Mary shook her head. "Children," she muttered under her breath.

~o-O-o~

Dean almost jumped at the sight of Gabriel's 'new' form rounding the hallway's corner. It just didn't suit the archangel. Oh, the reason he looked the way he currently did made perfect sense, but… it was so wrong. The dirty blond hair, skinny but lean frame, childish face and inconspicuous clothing did not go with those amber eyes – nor did the archangel's expressions.

"Something wrong, Deano?" Gabriel asked, that voice reaching the human's ears instead of the one Dean would have preferred to hear if only in reference to who exactly was talking.

Dean barely held back a wince. "I'm still not used to you walking around like… this."

The archangel sighed, the sound of it raking against Dean's eardrums. "I don't get why it's so hard for your peanut brain to comprehend this, as you so kindly put it," Gabriel scoffed with a roll of his eyes. "It's simple shapeshifting. I did it in that other body of mine, too. TV Land ring a bell?"

"Oh, it does," Dean assured him. "It's just…"

"You're not used to seeing Gabriel Bennett act like this?" the archangel finished, raising an eyebrow.

Dean made an unrepentant, albeit sheepish, affirmative gesture. But even so, Gabriel Bennett didn't act all that differently than the archangel did. Dean was almost ninety-five percent sure that the main reason he was so… uncomfortable with the whole thing was due to why Gabriel had to look like the kid.

Gabriel narrowed his eyes at Dean, clearly not happy with Dean's behavior. "I take it you weren't paying attention when I explained it all to Sammy. It's not like I'd be wasting air repeating that whole rambling session, but I also feel like it'd just go over your head again."

Now, Dean knew that he should probably feel insulted by the comment, but given everything, he couldn't bring himself to snap back at the only remaining archangel who was at full power. Besides, Gabriel was completely right about Dean not having paid attention to that 'whole rambling session', which actually happened to be very informative about the shapeshifting thing. If anything, Dean just felt bad – bad about being a crappy listener, bad about the damn situation, bad about everything around them that went straight to hell almost a month ago…

~o-O-o~

Gabriel barely held back a growl at Crowley's taunt. Sam, Dean, Mary and Cas were still all knocked out in various states of wellbeing behind him. He had to protect them while also fending off his bro— Crowley's puppet. Gabriel quickly dodged to the side as Lucifer's blade came dangerously close to his face.

Amber eyes narrowed in furious thought as Gabriel evaded yet another swipe of that blade. He needed to get out of here. There were too many sigils hampering his options, and the others would get caught in the crossfire of any blasts of grace. And with Crowley standing right there, who knew how long it would be before the demon got bored and did something drastic—

Gabriel narrowly avoided getting his throat slit. Right. No time for deep, inner thinking right now. He had to focus. But he had to try at least one more time…

"Lucifer—"

Drop to the ground. Twist to the right to avoid being impaled.

"I know you're still in there."

Back up on the feet. Defensive stance.

"You have to be—"

Grab wrist, twist, make him drop his sword.

"Just…"

Get closer.

"Come home with us... Please."

Blank eyes – the sclera was black, the irises a burning crimson – stared at him. Not even a flicker of emotion passed through them. "I don't have a home."

Gabriel was too stunned to notice the second blade until it pierced his stomach.

~o-O-o~

Sam rapped his knuckles on the closed door, letting the person inside know he was out in the hallway. He knew that Lucifer wouldn't reply, but Sam was still going to check up on him whether the ex-archangel (well, not ex-archangel, but close enough) liked it or not. According to Gabriel, today was one of Lucifer's better days, so hopefully he wouldn't completely blow Sam off like he would on a normal day.

"Hey, Lucifer, I was wondering if you'd like to join the rest of us in the game room to watch the latest Star Wars movie…" he trailed off, both waiting for a reply and not knowing if he should continue.

Right as Sam was about to call it a day and head back over to the game room, he heard a movement inside of Lucifer's room. He stayed silent, ears straining to hear any other indication of what Lucifer might be doing. And then the door opened.

Even after two months now, Lucifer looked like hell (Dean's words, though Sam had to agree). He was pale from never leaving the Bunker, and the dark bags under his eyes were a dead giveaway to how much he slept, which was hardly at all (and when Lucifer did happen to get some rest, it was only whenever Gabriel was nearby). Lucifer was thinner now, too. He didn't eat as much as he should, and both Mary and Gabriel fussed over him about that little fact.

But Lucifer was getting better. He may have looked like that wasn't true, but it was.

On his good days, Lucifer would actually leave his room or willingly go somewhere Gabriel wasn't. He would eat without needed to be prompted. Most good days, Lucifer didn't wake up (several times) in the middle of the night from a nightmare, nor would he get caught in a flashback at odd times. The best of the good days – the days when Lucifer would interact with at least Mary or Cas aside from Gabriel – were the ones they sought to make a regular occurrence.

Normal days were usually the days that Sam didn't see hide nor hair of the wingless archangel. Gabriel had told Sam it was because Lucifer just stayed in his room, or he had wandered off to Gabriel's room. Gabriel could sometimes get Lucifer to eat properly on normal days. More often than Gabriel liked, Lucifer had headaches on the borderline-bad-but-technically-normal days.

They didn't talk about Lucifer's bad days. It was better for all of them to just get through it and be ready for the following day.

That being said, Sam was just glad Lucifer answered the door. "Hey, you feeling up to popcorn maybe? I think Gabriel got that caramel stuff along with the regular kind."

"Sure."

Sam gave Lucifer a small smile at that. He couldn't hate Lucifer – not anymore, not after what happened. It was getting harder and harder to hate the archangel beforehand anyways. Now Sam found it hard to treat Lucifer any less than he would any other human being. No more avoiding, no more underhanded comments.

"Come on," Sam said, starting his walk to the game room and waving a gesture for Lucifer to join him. "If we hurry, we can steal Dean's usual spot."

A flicker of amusement passed through Lucifer's eyes before it vanished behind a careful mask. Still, Lucifer nodded, picking up his pace. "I want all of the pillows."

Sam grinned at that. Dean's usual spot was actually the bed that was in the game/entertainment room – and for occasions like these (watching movies), Gabriel transformed the usual three TVs set up into one giant TV screen that took up most of the wall – which had several various sized pillows that came with the rights of claiming the bed for the day. This meant that Dean not only hogged the bed but also the pillows whenever they all got together to watch movies or TV shows. And since the king-sized bed would be big enough for the both of them, Sam didn't mind Lucifer taking the pillows. It was a decent trade off. (Sam just really liked being able to stretch out along the bed during the longer movies or strings of multiple episodes in a row.)

"Deal."

Sam slowly let Lucifer walk ahead of him as to not tip Lucifer off to the subtle action. He only stayed just behind the ex-archangel to hide the concerned look that crossed his face. Yes, Lucifer was getting better, but they still had a long way to go.

~o-O-o~

"Sam, Dean... Can you really blame me?" Crowley asked with a smug smirk and a raised eyebrow making up his facial expression. He was gloating, and they all knew it.

"Dammit, Crowley," Dean exclaimed through a growl of frustration and anger. "The hell are you trying to pull?!"

A strange glint entered Crowley's dark eyes. "I'm not just trying, Squirrel. I'm achieving."

"What did he ever do to you?"

Stupid question – very stupid question. Fury danced throughout Crowley's whole posture. Right as it looked like Crowley was about to explode on them, the King of Hell let out a bitter scoff before letting his anger fall back behind a hard mask.

"Enough," was the simple answer.

Lucifer had humiliated Crowley. Damaging a demon's pride never lead to anything good. Crowley must have been planning this ever since the Winchesters had met Gabriel Bennett, and it was a plan made for the long run. It had to have so many contingencies to be accounted for, considered, taken care of before anyone else ever thought of them. It was the King of Hell's revenge, and it was flawless. There wasn't any way that Crowley would lose. In fact, he'd already won.

Lucifer had caused Crowley pain, and so the demon had returned it tenfold. Lucifer's pain was derived from those around him, the connections he had with them. Crowley's plan, once initiated, had chipped away at those relationships, sowing misery and distrust amongst the Bunker's residents. Gabriel had been able to catch a glimpse of what was truly going on, but he'd been too late to repair the damage without doing even more. And now, here they were.

Endgame, no matter what Sam or Dean or Gabriel or Castiel or Mary did, Crowley would win even if they got Lucifer back. The damage had already been done.

~o-O-o~

Gabriel glared at the fringe of dirty blond hair that refused to stay behind his ear. He was trying to do something serious, but the stupid hair strands were ruining the moment. While he could just use his grace to put it back in place and make it stay there, it had already fallen in front of his eyes. Whatever. He could be serious with hair in his face. Still... damn this kid's long hair.

"It's not that long," said kid huffed in response.

Hey, been a while, Gabriel projected his thought to the human part of himself. And yes, it's long. It's close to Sam's hair length.

"Is that a bad thing?" that young voice asked with a tone of mock curiosity. "Besides, there's no one to impress considering we're in the middle of nowhere."

It's killing the mood, and talking out loud would ruin it too, Gabriel pouted, wrapping his jacket tighter around himself and putting his hands under his armpits for warmth.

It was a biting cold that rushed through the area in a blast of wind, not of Gabriel's making. His jacket didn't do anything to protect him from the icy chill – in fact, his wings were doing a far better job of shielding him from the wind, and they were on another plane of existence! – as he waited for the person he was meeting here. And they were certainly taking their sweet time. A shiver ran through him.

It's like the wind blows right through me, he mentally grouched.

Bennett made a tsking sound. "Stop badly quoting movies. It's not original at all. Rather unbecoming of an archangel."

Gabriel rolled his eyes. Right, because archangels had to be exactly what people thought them to be. At this point, if there was a single angel still alive that could live up to the idea humans had of them (or at the very least, doing what angels were meant to do all along), he would gladly congratulate them on being a decent celestial being and then tell them to stay the way they were. He might even march into Heaven with them and dub them Steward of Heaven or something. Whatever, as long as he didn't have to be in charge of those idiots.

Then again, not all of the remaining angels were complete morons. Another gust of winter wind made its way through the trees. It was an unnatural wave of air that carried the sound of wings alighting. Within the next blink of an eye, the person came into view. Well, the angel did – it's not like her vessel was going to be participating in their conversation.

"Gabriel," the angel greeted with a nod, appearing completely unaffected by the freezing temperatures of their surroundings.

But she was an angel after all. And while Gabriel was technically an archangel, Bennett was not – which meant since Gabriel was currently parading around in his human side's form, all of his humanly attributes got amplified way more than they would have been if he'd stay in his favorite Trickster form. (It something that he really didn't understand, and it wasn't a problem he cared to figure out in his very, very little amount of free time.)

"Long time no see, Kemuel. How's Heaven doing nowadays?" he asked with as much nonchalance as he could manage with his teeth clacking together so much because of the cold.

The angel frowned, looking distantly to the side. "Considering everything that's happened over the past ten years, not bad," she replied, turning her gaze back to Gabriel.

"Seriously? You guys weren't even freaking out over me being back?" he questioned, trying to get some decent answers.

Kemuel was Gabriel's go-to contact when it came to anything Heaven related, and she had been ever since she stumbled across him as he was in the middle of planning his great escape from Heaven. She'd had a crush on him back before Michael and Lucifer started fighting more than usual. Gabriel had taken that fact and used it to his advantage for some information to keep the rest of the Angel Squad off his heels during that whole shit-fest.

"Oh? She had a crush on you? I thought it was the other way around."

Shut up, Gabriel shot back as a wistful smile slipped onto Kemuel's face.

"Not all of us have full extent of our powers or grace restored, and most of us who could sense your return are competent enough to know you want nothing to do with us," she said airily. "Besides, Joshua is far more concerned with getting back in touch with everyone, especially those stuck here on Earth."

Gabriel felt a frown of his own form on his face. "Not all of you have made it back to Heaven yet?"

"As of this past week, there are still a few out there who haven't been found. And no, we're not forcing the ones who like Earth to come back home. Joshua is respecting the decisions of our brothers and sisters as long as they don't cause any trouble," Kemuel finally answered in a proper report style.

"What about Crowley? Did you guys know?"

Some emotion Gabriel couldn't pin down flashed across Kemuel's grace, though her face remained blank. Her answering "no" told him that she did know something about what happened, just not anything that would have helped him then nor now. He could trust that she wouldn't lie to him as much as she could trust that he wouldn't lie to her. Such was their relationship, built upon the echoes of a long forgotten promise.

"How is he?" she asked in what could have only been an impulsive moment.

"Why do you care?" he snapped back defensively, gold flaring challengingly in his eyes.

Kemuel met his burning gaze with an equal passion. "You do."

"Just tell her," Bennett grumbled, speaking up from his corner of Gabriel's mind.

Stop butting in. "Lucifer is... He's managing." Gabriel found that he was slightly proud of the fact that he said it without having to stop more than once.

The angel looked upwards at his response, solemnly staring up at something far, far way. "I can't imagine what he's been through. Now, after everything... I'm not sure any of us would have made it this far," she admitted to him, a soft breeze making her vessel's brown hair briefly float in the air.

Alone in the quite of the forest, all that could be heard was the silence between them. The wind made it's presence known, but it went unheard – a voiceless whisper in a void. And not a single creature dared to break the heavy air that sat between the two higher beings visiting their home.

"If you'd like, I can convince Joshua to let the both of you visit and see some of the changes sometime," Kemuel murmured, letting her soft-spoken words carry another message that she couldn't speak aloud.

Gabriel paused, humbled by her offer. It was free passage into Heaven. It meant being able to enter without whatever was left of the angels trying to kill them out of whatever spite they still had regarding the archangels. Joshua may be in charge of Heaven nowadays, but Kemuel was essentially the Gardener's second-in-command. She had just as much sway over the happenings in Heaven as Joshua did.

"You know, I would love to accept," he started, gaining a sad look from her as she knew exactly how he was going to finish his answer, "but, maybe next time."

That's what he always said.

She sighed softly. "Take care of yourself, Gabriel."

"You, too," he whispered to the empty space before him. She never stays long enough to hear me say anything else.

Gabriel let out a sigh of his own and started heading back towards the Bunker. Lucifer would be waking up soon, and it usually ended up being a bad day if Gabriel wasn't anywhere in the underground repository of knowledge for Lucifer to find him if need be. The dependency wasn't exactly a good thing in the first place, but it couldn't be helped – it was a coping mechanism for them both. And hey, if it worked, it worked. No need to go around fixing something that wasn't broken.

But they were. Underneath all the masks and façades they hid behind, they were broken.

~o-O-o~

Taking a deep steeling breath, he began the first incision, cutting into the flesh where wing met back. Lucifer shrieked a cry of pain, body tensing, tremors running down his spine. Agonized screams pierced his ears as he moved on to the other wing, and writhing limbs struggled to free themselves. Still, he did not stop. He couldn't.

And when it was finally, blessedly done... long after Lucifer had passed out from the pain... only then did Gabriel drop his blade – a clattering noise that shattered through the cacophony of rain and thunder. He gently took Lucifer's limp and bloody form into his arms and cried. Rocking them both back and forth in a failing effort to cause comfort, he cried, tears spilling down his cheeks.

"Forgive me!" he shouted to the sky, voice breaking. "Oh, God, forgive me!"

A/N: Hmm… Am I a horrible person?

(Happy New Years~)

Last edited: [August 12, 2018]