I hope you have enjoy this! Thank you for reading xx
Clara's eyes flicked open and she started panicking, looking around and trying to work out where she was. She went to sit up but someone stopped her. She tried to pull away, but someone was the other side. She panicked more. Her heart was thumping and she didn't know what was going on.
"No!" she screamed, her arms flying out. She didn't mean to hit anyone, but she saw the woman jump back. Suddenly she curled up as tight as she could, trying to hide away from everything that was happening.
"Clara! Clara you're safe, you're in hospital, but you're safe," she heard Paula's voice, but Paula was new - how could she be sure she knew? There was quiet for a few moments, she could hear a few whispers and a bit of movement before Paula spoke again. "It's just you and me now, everyone else has gone." Clara uncurled slightly, opening her eyes a little and looking around. It was a hospital, the woman must have been the doctor or nurse. "You collapsed in the library and started fitting, they had to bring you in to give you the right drugs and make sure you hadn't hurt your head."
"I've never fitted before…" she spoke, slowly beginning to calm down.
"I didn't think so, the doctor will talk to you about that. I tried to contact your Dad but there was no answer, do you have another number?" Paula asked and Clara shook her head.
"Don't worry him, he doesn't need this. He'll be busy at work," she replied. "I'm sorry…"
"Hey, don't apologise young lady, it's not your fault. Did something happen in the library? Danny came and got me and I know his group of friends haven't been the kindest," Clara suddenly remembered he'd been there.
"No… I was okay, he must have been there but I was just leaving I think," she rubbed her head, "is that woman okay? I lashed out before."
Paula nodded, "she's alright, everyone understands you don't mean it." Clara sighed and then sat up. "Is Hayley here?" Paula looked a little blank as Clara looked at the doors to her room and saw someone outside. Seconds later the woman who Paula had only known as Dr Fallows ran in and hugged Clara.
"What happened kid? You were fine this morning," Hayley asked and Clara seemed to be relaxing more with her in the room.
"I don't know… it came out of nowhere," she explained and Hayley nodded. "What do you know? I can tell you know something," she observed. Hayley knew there was no hiding anything from Clara anymore and looked up to Paula. "It's fine, she has to know everything anyway."
"Speaking of which, you know each other? And you told me you were by the river this morning." Paula sounded a little stern.
Clara looked between the two women who were either side of her bed, not quite knowing what to say in response. Hayley caught in and got there first. "Clara has been treated here a lot over the last few months and I guess you could say we've become friends of sorts, she comes in sometimes when myself and a couple of others are on shift just to talk."
"They understand," Clara finally got out, "I didn't mean to lie I've just got used to not telling my Dad. He hates me coming here because of Mum…" she sighed gently and looked down but eventually sat back up to look at Hayley. "So? What's wrong with me?"
"We think you have a condition known as psychogenic nonepileptic seizures. The scans don't suggest true epilepsy, so it's likely this is related to everything that has happened," Hayley told her. "I'm sorry love, it's difficult to treat but we will do our best for you I promise."
"I know, you always do," Clara replied. "Is Greg still around?"
Hayley nodded, "I'll go grab him. I need to go and see some other patients but just ask if you need me okay?" Clara hugged her quickly and let her go, leaving Paula and her alone.
It was silent for a moment before Clara asked "Is Danny okay? That can't have been fun for him."
Paula looked up from where she'd been focussed and processed the question. "I believe so, I left him with one of the other teachers." Clara nodded and looked back down at her hands. "Are you sure he didn't say anything to set this off?"
"No! Like I said I didn't know he was there, don't pin this on anyone - nobody did anything wrong, honestly," she smiled weakly, "are you okay? I guess you weren't expecting this when you started the job."
"You're not here to worry about me Clara, this is my job and I'm here to help you now, but you have to talk to me for me to be able to do that." Clara didn't respond. "I should have talked to you more this week. This is a difficult time for you, I know that,"
"No you don't," Clara interrupted. "How can you possibly know what it's like to suddenly lose your mother, to suddenly feel so alone? How can you know how it feels to watch your Dad practically self-destructing and knowing there's nothing you can do about it? How can you know how it feels for all this to affect you so much that you're no longer the person you used to be - where every little thing scares you and your brain is fighting back and making you ill. What on earth qualifies you to know how that feels?!" Clara didn't know where it came from but she just kept shouting more and more until she was screaming. Once she'd finished she grabbed on all the wires attached to her and pulled them off, jumping off the bed and running. Paula attempted to follow but she was gone before she could even leave the room. Clara was going to be a challenge, but she wasn't going to give up.
She ran to a safe place - the staffroom in the department - unlocking the door and running inside. It was empty thankfully and she sat down in the corner of the sofa, curling up. She hated herself for shouting at Paula, none of this was her fault, she did just want to help.
Clara jumped as the door opened, but looked around to see Greg walk in. He was a nurse here, but more importantly Clara trusted him more than any other man in the world. "I thought you'd be in here," he sat down beside her and opened his arms to which Clara leant in. Greg had been the biggest help in here, he was probably older than her Dad but he was a fantastic nurse. She'd known him for a while - he'd been friends with her Mum and he used to come in and do first aid things at school. "What happened? You've scared your teacher half to death," he told her. Clara didn't respond, hating herself for getting in this state again but still angry. "She said you were shouting about how she couldn't understand what you went through."
"None of you can," she spoke quietly, getting tired now.
"We aren't trying to Clara, this isn't about that really is it?" he paused a moment. When she didn't reply he spoke again, "you're scared. I know you are I can see it. Is it about the new diagnosis?"
"How do I cope Greg? How do I manage this. Paula is trying but I've only known her a few days. I'm in a school with people who already think I'm a freak and I've got no way out of this. Now I know I could have a fit at anytime? I'm 14... this isn't meant to be my life now. You know the rest of the school are out doing things today? Our year have gone abseiling and rock climbing. I can't go, we all know how I'd react to that, but it doesn't mean I don't want to really, a year ago I'd have loved all this. A year ago I had so much more…" Clara wiped at her eyes. "I'm sorry you have patients to be with."
"Don't be stupid Clara you are a patient, and you need me most right now," Greg sat her up and went over to the kettle, flicking it on. "Your Mum was the one that taught me nothing couldn't be fixed by a good cup of tea."
"She had me hooked on tea by the age of 10," Clara replied, smiling a little at the memories. "Whenever I felt sad she'd make me tea. A little bit of milk.."
"And a dash of sugar on the worst days," Greg finished. He'd worked with her Mum before he went into nursing and Clara first met him when she was 11 and broke her arm in the playground at school. Her Mum had brought her to A&E and spent most of the time playing catch up with Greg. They met up occasionally after that, he got to know her Dad too. He was one of those close family friends… that was until her Mum died. Dave refused to speak to him after that and Clara still didn't understand it. He handed her the mug and sat back down. "Paula seems nice, and she's trying to help. I know it takes you time to trust people now but you should try. Why don't I go and get her?" Clara tensed a little, "I'll stay, we can talk to her together - properly." That seemed like an okay plan and she nodded, letting him leave for a few moments while she started on the tea.
Paula came in and she really did look like she'd been scared half to death. Clara immediately felt guilty for shouting at her, she was just trying to help. "So you spend a lot of time here then?" Paula asked as she sat down on a chair opposite the sofa. Clara looked up at Greg who nodded at her to talk.
"Not loads… just when I know they'll be here and I need some space. I can just sit in here," she explained as Greg poured another mug of tea for Paula.
"Do you come here because of your Mum?" that was always going to be asked but Clara already had an answer to that.
"No, although most of the reasons I need space are. I just like it here, and they've treated me a lot so they know. I can trust them, they're safe, I don't feel scared here… most of the time." Clara clarified at the end given the current situation.
Paula nodded, understanding. "You know we don't generally allow students to leave campus without a member of staff until year 10," she started, "but I understand this is important for you. We can sort something." Clara smiled a little and nodded a thank you. "I would like it if you could talk to me too though. We've done great this week, but I still only know what your notes say. I know what's happened, I know your medical conditions but I don't know how you feel about it all."
"Oh fantastic, best time of my life," Clara replied and Greg gave her a look.
"Someone's feeling better," he responded, "be nice you!" he told her, grinning. "So school has been going okay generally?"
"I've got a lot of catching up to do," she told him and Paula immediately grabbed her bag.
"Yeah about that, I picked up all your work and noticed something…" she produced the sheet with the A level questions on that Danny had pointed out earlier. "This is impressive Clara, it's year 12 maths. This is your teacher's attempt at a joke you know that right?" Exactly what Danny had said.
"I know, and that's mine," she shrugged.
"Nowhere in your notes does it say you're a maths wiz?" she commented.
"Because nobody cares about that when you're a 'mental instability'," Clara quoted from a report she'd seen. Paula almost looked saddened at that comment. "I don't exactly like to show it off. People think I'm enough of a freak as it is. Before everything with Mum I was known for being clever, but it didn't matter then because I had a big group of friends and got in with everyone. Suddenly though, when you're running out of lessons and spontaneously crying it's a whole other story. People expect your grades to drop, they expect you to fail, so who was I to disappoint? But Mum always cared about my education and I promised myself a fresh start here. I'm still not planning on shouting about it though so please don't make a big fuss," she clarified. Paula nodded again, putting the sheet away for now. "Please don't be scared of me either, I'm sorry for how I acted earlier, I can actually be normal some of the time."
"I'm not scared of you sweetheart, I just don't know what to do for the best right now, I need you to help me with that if that's okay?" Paula asked and Clara nodded.
"Can you tell me about you? Sometimes it helps me if I know more about the person." Clara explained.
Paula understood this and immediately explained that she had a husband and a little girl who was 7 called Gabrielle. She explained that she'd been working at the school for 3 years now but only got into SEN a year ago and that Clara was her first full time student. She went into everything from where she grew up to her favourite school meal and Clara asked questions. They must have been talking for at least half an hour. Greg had left to see other patients but kept popping his head in to check everything was okay. Clara felt herself relax the most Paula spoke. She genuinely cared about her, about her job, about her family… she was genuine. Nothing to be afraid of. "Can I ask you a question now?" Clara nodded, "what's the best thing for me to do when you panic? What do you find helps?"
"The only people who've ever been able to properly help me calm down have been here, but they just talk to me? It's not really about what you do, it's more who's doing it. It can be as simple as just sitting with me and reassuring me but it has to be someone I can trust," Clara explained. "This has helped, getting to know you, I should have asked earlier I was just… scared…" she sighed. "Pretty much sums up my life."
"Hey relax, you're doing great. How about Jess and Faye, what's your relationship with them now?" Paula asked.
Clara smiled, they were the best part of this new school, "we got to know each other well very early on, they really understand me, or at least they're trying. I trust them, they don't judge me for this mess I think they understand that's not who I really am."
"You're a wonderful girl Clara, I can see that, and hopefully we can protect that now I understand a little more. Shall we get you back to the bed?" Paula put her now empty mug down to which Clara followed and stood up, agreeing. They left and she let her teacher help her back to the room, her legs suddenly feeling a little weak. She suddenly realised quite how tired she really was and as soon as she was back on the hospital bed, Clara fell asleep.
#-#-#-#
They sent her home later that evening after a long lecture on treating symptoms, some new medication and a little reassurance. Paula drove her back, taking her up to her room to make sure she settled okay.
"Clara!" Jess jumped up when she walked in, "nobody would tell us anything, what happened, are you okay?" she ran over. Clara jumped back a little. "Oh gosh sorry," she stopped but opened a hand that Clara took and looked around to Paula.
"I'm okay Miss, thank you," she smiled, "get home to your little girl." Paula nodded, informing her she'd be back early in the morning and left. "I collapsed and fitted, I'm okay now, just tired. Did you two have a good day?"
"Yeah it was brilliant, really good fun, but Clara - you fitted?!" Faye joined them as they sat down on the edge of Jess' bed.
"Yeah, it could happen again aswell so… I guess you should know that. Paula's gonna explain everything to the other staff about what to do. Just be careful not to hurt yourself whatever happens, that's the most important thing," Clara told them. "Can you guys tell me about your day? I could do with talking about something other than my stupid brain."
Jess and Faye agreed and started telling her about everything they'd done. Clara smiled listening to their experiences - it was good to talk about something else. They had a laugh about things and it felt so much more normal than most of her day. When they went to bed she finally felt somewhat normal.
#-#-#-#
Lessons started again on Monday and the routine was good. She felt a little more comfortable now she knew she could trust Paula although the thought of what could happen at any moment still loomed slightly. They were in maths now, just before lunch. Jess and Faye weren't in this class with her so Clara just sat with her support teacher and got on with the job in hand.
Mr Hart was going through some equations when she noticed the mistake on the board. Clara bit her lip, trying to decide whether to say anything. She looked around - everyone looked confused, which wasn't a huge surprise considering it didn't actually make sense. He was a good teacher, but that one little mistake on the board put the whole lesson out of sync.
"Does anyone have any questions before you start?" Mr Hart asked. Clara could feel herself shaking, but she did slowly put her hand up. "Clara?"
"Sir I think that the 4 squared should actually be 7 squared… it doesn't quite make sense otherwise? You can't solve it" the teacher looked around at the board again and studied the equation.
"Well Miss Oswald it appears you're correct - well spotted," he told her, changing it on the board. "Now we've fixed that problem you should all be able to solve that. I'll give you 5 minutes and we'll come back together to discuss it." Clara put her head back down and worked through the equation.
A few seconds later she heard the whispers, "what a geek?" one voice said.
"I know right? Who even cares?" that was Jackie. "She's worse than you Danny, although you're getting better," there was a small laugh from the group before they were told to be quiet. Clara sighed to herself, finishing up the problem but not looking up. Paula leant down to her, asking if she was okay and Clara nodded, pretending to still be working to avoid suspicion. Something bothered her though. What bothered her was that she wasn't angry at what they'd said about her, she was angry at what Jackie said to Danny. Clara had seen from him yesterday that he was actually very good at maths when he understood what was going on, but his girlfriend, who should have been supporting him, was telling him that was a bad thing? It made no sense. It made her angry.
She made it through to dinner without getting worked up any further, but went back to her room instead of to the canteen. Faye and Jess would be in there now, probably wondering where she was so she quickly text them to say she wouldn't be going and then sat down on her bed, pulling out some English work and starting on it. She'd been there about 10 minutes when there was a knock on the door. Clara froze, looking up but not actually moving straight away. The knock came again. "Clara I know you're in there," she heard Danny's voice and calmed down a little, jumping up and going to the door to let him in before he was seen. "Thanks, sorry for rushing you. Are you okay? You should be eating."
Before she replied Clara shut the door so nobody would spot him. "I'm fine, how come you're here?" She made her way back to her bed, sitting down.
"Just wanted to make sure you were alright after maths, you were right to point out that mistake - I knew something wasn't right but I couldn't put my finger on it. You're really good at maths," he pointed out and Clara shrugged.
"It's not my favourite, put me in an English room any day," she smiled a little, glancing at her work.
Danny looked over at the folder, "ah the Shakespeare essay. Are they making you do that? You didn't even study the text with us."
"I love Much Ado about Nothing, I've got no issue writing an essay on it," she smiled. "Your face suggests you don't agree?" Clara asked and gestured for him to sit down. "Don't worry, Faye and Jess won't be back for a little while." He nodded and sat down.
"English isn't my favourite subject, I'm not that great at it really," he told her, "I don't know, it just doesn't excite me."
Clara sat up a little, "then clearly you've not read the right things. English is a beautiful subject, especially when it comes to texts. I know exactly what you should read…" she paused and jumped up, going to her cupboard and opening it, looking through the pile of books and pulling one out. "Here," she handed it over, "a beautiful classic. Read it, then tell me it's boring." Clara smiled.
"The Catcher in the Rye? I've never heard of it," he looked the cover over.
"That's exactly why you need educating," she smiled, "but you should probably go now before anyone questions where you are." Danny nodded.
"See you around," he stood up, "I'll give this a read, your opinions seem worthy of at least a listen." Danny put the book in his bag and left the room, smiling back at her before he left.
Clara went back to essay planning, she needed to keep her head focussed on what she was doing. She lay on her front, mindmapping her plans. Faye and Jess came back about 20 minutes later as they'd said they would, running in and laughing. Clara looked up, "what's up with you two?" she smiled.
"We've just been on a mission," Jess chuckled and produced a plate of food from behind her back, handing it to Clara. "You're not getting away without eating," she sat down on the end of Clara's bed.
"Are you really writing an essay on your lunchbreak?" Faye asked, grabbing one of the desk chairs and sitting with them. "You're actually mad. Clever and fun, but mad with it. How come they're making you do that anyway?"
"They're not, but it's one of my favourite plays and I love English so it's good as far as I can see," she shrugged, sitting up and eating a little of the food. "Thanks guys, I was pretty hungry, just couldn't face being anywhere they could get near me right now. I'm fine though, honestly."
"We saw Danny walking down the corridor from here, he didn't do anything did he?" Jess asked, looking a little worried.
"No, didn't even know he was around," she shrugged. "Ready for PE then?" They both looked a little annoyed at the question and Clara chuckled. "You'll live."
"Yeah it's alright for you!" Faye replied. "Although not sure if I'd really want to be stuck in the gym for that long…"
"It's quite relaxing actually," she told them, "but I am kinda looking forward to when I can deal with getting out with you guys, it'd be more fun."
"You're doing great, i'm sure you'll be out before you know it. Hey we should get some work done together tonight, library?" Clara nodded.
They eventually decided that they needed to move and change so they did and headed to their respective places. Clara hugged them both quickly as she went off to Paula and smiled back before they went. They were proper friends, Paula was trustworthy, maybe things would actually be okay here.