The Diego Diaries: Giving Thanks (dd6 532)
-0-Love and Bosoms
Cutta-Cutta-Cutta-WHACK!
WHACKA-WACKA-WACKA-WACK!
"GET YOUR PAWS OFF THAT!"
"You need a taste tester," Ironhide said as he watched Ratchet build two giant appetizer trays. They were huge, filled with all manner of finger food and looked slagging good. "Just pour it into my mouth."
Ratchet glanced at Ironhide who stood with a grin and his big trap gaping open. He laughed loudly. "You remind me of a shorter version of yourself," he said as he tossed a 'deviled egg' into Ironhide's mouth.
"Which one?" he asked with a grin. "There are so many, the handsome little slaggers."
"There's that. We're going to take a tonnage of stuff so be prepared to tote. I'm carrying the trophies so don't peek. I will say that they're amazing."
"What version of YOUR face do we have this time?" Ironhide said as he snooped in the boxes sitting on the table filled with food and buns.
"Why, Ironhide … all of my versions are win," Ratchet said with a dazzling smile.
HUGE laughter.
-0-Room 412 at the Central Labor Hall
They began to come, some of them a tad early because they were organizing and some because of the lulz. Faun and Holi met everyone at the door, pointed to where their offering could be placed and hugged babies. Children were gathering so Blondi's little Stanix ammas sat by the tables to fend the little slaggers off. It was going to be epic.
Raptor and Turbine entered with a box filled with side dishes, some of them holiday food from Cybertron. Sitting on their appa's arm, Hero and Halo smiled at everyone. They were arriving after a night of fort building and hoo-haw with a pile of 'dress up gear' that Raptor had found at The Infant Center which 'encouraged creativity in small children'. Given that he was all about the creativity, he had purchased it and a lot of other things creating a toy box for that and any number of other things.
A fashion show ensued.
To say they were both entertained would be too small a word.
"Appa, where are we going to put Amma's stuff?" Hero asked as they walked across the room through the tables to the buffet that was forming.
"In my mouth," Raptor said with a grin. "You'll have to tell Amma not to be such a tightwad with the food."
"Amma?" Hero asked with her sweet happy voice.
Putting the box down to take out the food for the buffet, Turbine glanced over his shoulder. "What, sweetness?"
"You can't be a tightwad with the food. Appa says so," Hero said with a giant smile. She had no idea what tightwad meant.
Turbine eyeballed Raptor who did a u-turn and booked it for a table where a number of mechs were sitting. He put his girls down on the table and sat, allowing them to tell the tale of hanging out with the grandparents overnight with a cow in the spare room tent.
Tent.
-0-Bosoms
"Are you ready, you big oaf?"
"Who are you calling an oaf?" Ironhide said as he subbed a bag of buns into his subspace before picking up one of the two big boxes. He began to walk to the door.
"You, you bun thief," Ratchet said with a grin as they walked out the door. It closed softly behind them.
-0-At the fest
They began to fog in, families and everyone else who saw them and tagged along. The contest was getting to be a 'local tradition' so everyone and their targ came, some even bringing food. Of course, what the Wreckers constituted as food was up for debate …
"What took ya?" Blackjack said as he grinned at Ironhide.
Ironhide walked to the table where the family mechs and a lot of the hangers on sat sipping beer and eating snack food. He sat, then grinned. "I AM IRONHIDE! IT TOOK ME A MOMENT TO CART RATCHET'S SLAG!"
Hardie grinned. "Is that so? How many boxes?"
"Two and they were heavy as lead. I hope that was just the amount of stuff and not the content of it."
"I HEARD THAT!"
Everyone turned to see Ratchet frowning at Ironhide. He walked over and thumped Ironhide's helm. "Slagger. I brought an early Christmas Surprise present for you AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET!?"
"Ow, slagger. Is that gift a first aid kit?" Ironhide asked as he rubbed his helm.
"No. We call those Bumblebees. Get it. Bumblebees," Ratchet said as the two walked in with their dinner dish and their entry. The entry table was beginning to grow. In the fridge was the one Ratchet made waiting for its great debut.
Or not.
Huge laughter.
They came and came, all of them wandering in with their family, friends, offerings and contest entry. All of the squad came, hugged and squeed, then found their places to pile their stuff and entries. The judges were there, the Professional Association was running the show as ever and Ratchet was feeling no pain. When it was clear that no one else was coming, he rapped on the table with his fist. Everyone turned to him.
He smiled, then glanced at Hardie who nodded. "I would like to thank you for coming to our little whatever this is." (Huge laughter and catcalls) "As you know, we used to cram about 200 mechs into our apartment but Public Works condemned that so we brought it here." (Huge laughter and more catcalls)
"We will have a candy contest after the dinner in which I will graciously take first place." (Mostly just catcalls) "But before that starts, I've decided to give Ironhide his Christmas Surprise gift early … (HUGE catcalls and laughter, much smirking and innuendo). Ratchet smirked at the crowd. "Slaggers … I have to because it came early and it can't keep. So without further ado ..."
He walked over to a big box by the door, then picked it up. Turning to Ironhide, he grinned. "Get over here, slagger."
Ironhide was hooted and catcalled until he stood, then walked over. Smirking at Ratchet, he hesitated. "Will this detonate?"
"Probably," Ratchet said to great laughter.
Ironhide gingerly opened the lids, then looked inside. He stared at the contents, then Ratchet, then everyone, then the contents, then …
Moments later …
He stood by the door with his early gift in arms, the empty box by the door again. It was a strange looking animal with big horns. It was also covered from end to end with long reddish hair. He was speechless as he looked at the little slagger who was no bigger than Flipper and Pudding.
He was a Scottish Highland cow.
Google it.
He stared at it as it assimilated its welcome message, looked up at Ironhide, then accepted him. Ironhide who was gone over the moon had nothing to say.
Ratchet grinned at him, then Hardie. They nodded to each other, then Ratchet hugged Ironhide's shoulders. "This is a genuine fake Scottish Highland cow. You have to take care of him and clean up his messes. Get with your family over that."
"I will," he finally managed. He looked at Blackjack and Raptor. "I HAVE A SLAGGING COW!"
Bedlam.
Moments later …
The little cow stood on the table placid and calm. He was very small, had oversized long horns that tapered to points, reddish thick hair that hung nearly to the ground and a lot of hair over his eyes. He was unbelievably cute.
"Did you know that in Scotland they call them Heilan coo in Scottish?" Ratchet said as he sat beside Ironhide who was staring at his little cow with goo-goo optics. "Wikipedia. It's your friend. Only $3 donation will keep it running for years independently." Ratchet smiled brilliantly.
"Is that so?" Ironhide asked with a big grin. "Thanks."
"You're welcome. They got the order of creation messed up and your cow came early," Ratchet said as they watched the little slagger. He stared at them, then began to walk down the table where the other two cows were laying. When he got there, they stared at each other then the cow sat down and fell over to nap.
"That's a genius cow. Did you see that?" Ironhide asked with a very slight tone of awe in his voice.
"I do. What are you going to name him?" Raptor asked as he petted the little cow. The little guy glanced up, mooed softly then lay back down.
Ironhide considered that then glanced at the cow. "He's Scottish so we'll call him Robby. After Robert the Bruce."
"You're naming him after a guy with two first names?" Alor asked.
"Its a warrior name," Ironhide said as he squeezed Ratchet's servo. "We can take him to Cybertron and have a cattle drive. We need little horses for the kids. We can have a round up in the parkland."
Huge laughter and agreement met that as the party rolled onward. Kids walked down the table to pat the cow, squeed madly that it was theirs, then walked onward to get a bite of this and that.
Prime grinned at Ironhide over a giant pile of potatoes and gravy, a turkey drumstick and several buttered buns. "Your house is officially a menagerie."
"It already was," Ratchet said as he grinned at Prowl. "But then that's what you get with that many children."
"They're all mine anyway, Loon," Prowl said with a smirk. "However, I will concede the cows to you and yours."
"I want a cow."
Everyone at the table glanced at Prime who was grinning.
Prowl stared at him with startled surprise. "Really?"
"No. I had you though," Optimus said as his genitors snickered.
"I think a cow would be a very fine addition to the family, Orion," Kestrel said to be ornery. A flummoxed Prowl was a hilarious Prowl.
"I do as well, Kestrel. A pet is always a nice thing," Tagg said.
Prowl stared at both, then sat back. "You never want to see your grandchildren again do you."
Huge laughter, catcalls and other incriminations flowed. Around the room there were groups of family and friends who were eating and drinking while many walked back and forth to the booze locker and the buffet. The humans who had come earlier and had gathered around the cows to check them out then wandered down to sit and chat.
:I heard you had to remove kids from the Functionalists. I'm sorry that stuff happens: Jessie Landon said as she sat on a condiment box next to James Brooks-Spencer.
"We hope they get a clue," Prowl said. "No one is going to raise serial killers here."
:We have three new babies coming: Jessie said. :I can't wait. Your baby is so beautiful. That white paint scheme is so elegant and his name is wonderful:
Prowl grinned. :Its a memorial for the dead Functionalists. We want something beautiful to supplant the terrible memory of that event."
James nodded. :Is there any progress on the Dobbs thing?:
"Not yet but I'm running the show. Whoever did this got on my shit list forever," Prowl said. Fortunately for him, his genitors were sitting with the squad four tables away.
:That's good. Right now my family back on Earth tells me that everyone is pretty much set on what they believe but most think it was one of those things that happens. They don't believe a bot did it. They're more concerned about the habitats having someone living there who murdered someone and they're sort of surprised you haven't caught them. I think they think your tech should be on it: Jessie said.
Prowl nodded. "We put security inside for that reason. We will get them."
"Rest easy, little Missy," Ratchet said. "Sheriff Prowler is on the case. Those miscreants don't have a place to hide before Deputy Dog … I mean Prowl gets 'em. Trust me. This slagger never gives up."
Prowl eyed Ratchet rather severely. "Yes, right, loon." He looked at the humans. "We will get them."
A rapping sound got everyone's attention as Blondi stood. She smiled. "Welcome to the contest," she said before being buried in applause, a great deal of it from a grateful Ratchet. "We're going to organize for a few moments, then begin. We're going to start with any candy that appears to be hard or sugar like crystalline. Continue to eat. We got this." She looked at Ratchet. "You have the trophies?"
"I, Ratchet do have them and may I say I outdid myself this year. Why just the other orn-" He was pelted with buns and a spoon. "Slaggers," he said as everyone laughed loudly. "YOU WON'T BE LAUGHING WHEN I WIN!"
He barely ducked a turkey drum stick.
-0-TBC 11-28-18 edited 12-22-18
My dad's family is Scottish and when I went there the highland cows were a whole new world to me. I have two little dollies of gray coated highland cows somewhere. They're so cute.