The Diego Diaries: Nacho (dd6 544)
=0=Gah!
"Ah-guh!" Raptor felt along a wall looking for somewhere safe from the blow torch in his mouth. Nearby, rolling on the floor was his son, Blackjack. Standing over him trying to suppress a belly laugh, Hard Drive watched his grandson flail.
Turbine who was sitting nearby laughing loudly called to him. "Is he going to live?"
Hardie grinned at his grandson-in-law. "I think that's what he fears."
Huge laughter from the punters. Prime was bent over in his chair bracing himself from falling altogether with his servo on the floor as Prowl leaned against the wall convulsed in laughter.
Springer was a caution.
Springer was standing in the middle of the room hunched over and ringing his servos in agony. Drift was behind him feeling wildly in the air as he lurched here and there trying to find him. He was passing Springer obliviously, the two apparently unable to see for the moment.
"WAH!" Ironhide bellowed nearby. He was weaving as his Amma Delphi stood beside him ready to catch him if he fell. "WAH! WAH-WAH! NAW!"
Ratchet who had them all on sensors and was monitoring when to hit them with the antidote grinned. "Wah-wah will make it worse."
Prime convulsed then slid to his knee on the floor before scrambling to sit back again. When he did he threw back his helm and barrel laughed. Ratchet grinned at him as he called out the time. "FOUR MINUTES! ONE TO GO!"
"ARGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" -all of the participants
That was when Smokey and Hot Rod found each other in the haze. That is, their servos found each others throats.
=0=Along the wall watching in various stages of emotional dishevelment
"Oh my god," Inferno laughed. "Do I need to find a fire extinguisher?"
"I think marshmallows would do the trick," Red Alert said with a grin. The two were there to inspect the building's stairwells and do some testing. "Now we know what Grimlock feels like when he lets loose a bale."
HUGE laughter greeted that.
"THIRTY SECONDS!" -Ratchet
"FWAG! SHOOM ME!" -most of those still able to think
First Aid watched with intense dismay, then glanced at Bumblebee. "Good thing you didn't do something this stupid."
Bee who was laughing as loudly as everyone else glanced up at Aid. "Its only because Ratchet ran out of nachos."
Bulkhead was swaying in the middle of the room with his optics off line. He swayed this way and that moaning in pain as time seemed to stand still. Nearby crawling on his hands and knee assemblies, Sandstorm groped his way to who knew where. Blackjack who was making snow angels on the floor couldn't see the highly laughing figure of his amma standing over him.
"FIVE MINUTES UP! WHO WANTS TO CONTINUE!?" -Ratchet
"ARGAGHAHIRHWIEORMOASIDHEUFNERLMKDF!" -everyone
Ratchet pulled several vials out of subspace, then walked to each mech. Squeezing the contents into each mech's mouth, he stepped back to watch. It was almost instantaneous, the relief. Everyone stopped their pitiful caterwauling and crawling, skittering, shaking, shivering and whatever the frag Raptor was doing, then turned toward Ratchet who gave them a dazzler.
Turning to the camera, he smiled again. "That takes care of that. See ya next week here on the channel, Autobot Natio-" That was how far he got before everyone in the room jumped his sorry aft.
Cut.
=0=Moments later
Ratchet stared through the window of The Pit Stop where the punters had all gathered after they punted him across the room. They were gathered inside, everyone of the ten sorry aft 'social media sensations' and their howling entourage. Rubbing his helm where a nearly lethal level of noogies had been laid down, he pressed his face against the window, splaying his servos on the glass as he gave them his pitiful face.
By the time half the food they ordered was thrown against the glass, Ratchet had retreated to the doorway. Entering, he stopped before them as they turned to him and the place got quiet. Quiet, that is, but for the constant chuckle coming out of Optimus and the smirks had by everyone who didn't eat a nacho. Ratchet frowned. "You ungrateful slaggers. You didn't have to eat the slagging nacho. No, you didn't but you did. Why? Because none of you have the bearings not to. You didn't want to be a wuss."
"Frag you, Ada," Springer said as he saluted Ratchet with a beer. He grinned. "Sit down. Next to me."
Ratchet laughed, then pulled a chair to sit at a table by himself.
The waiter came over and handed him a menu. "I heard that the mechs ate that nacho I was telling you about. They were dumb enough to do that?" he asked, an older mech whose grandsons owned the place and had him straw boss.
"That's right, Indigo. Dumb is the operative word. Do you think its possible that they really don't know who I am?" Ratchet asked with a dazzling smile. "After all this time, they walk right in."
Indigo nodded as he grinned at the mechs. "You slaggers … don't you know him by now?"
"I think we're being insulted," Drift said with a grin. "Old Ma is a gangster and he gave us a nacho style Valentine's Day Massacre yet somehow its our fault."
"It is," Indigo said as he took Ratchet's order.
"It is," Prime said as he wiped his optics with a napkin. "When are you lot ever going to learn?"
"So you take his side do you?" Blackjack asked with a smirk. "How many bearings do you have? I didn't see you out there getting torched."
"You won't. He's not a fool," Prowl said proudly. He squeezed Prime's servo. "This mech knows his enemies."
Ratchet who was lounging in his chair with a beer and his peds up on another laughed. "That's me," he said with a dazzling smile. "Touche, slaggers. You're going to be famous. That video will get more views on Youtube than any other. Trust me. People are going to want your autographs."
"What do we use to sign them? Our torched stumps? I still don't think I can feel my digits," Blackjack said as Alor patted him.
"There, there, 'Jack. You should have known better. This is Ratchet we're talking about after all," Alor said with a grin.
Everyone looked at Ratchet. Ratchet smiled a dazzler back at all of them. He would still sit alone while he ate.
=0=Around the beat that night
"That was the worst thing I ever did to myself," Springer said. "I think sucking on a plasma stick wouldn't have hurt that much."
Drift chuckled. "I think so. That's going on Youtube and the local channels. Prepare to be laughed at loudly."
Springer snickered. "Ada is a maniac. You did notice how smooth he snared everyone of us. No one was going to wuss out. Next time you see me doing that, hit me with something hard."
"The same applies to me." Drift grinned. "I thought I was going to have to stick a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. I think that would have hurt less than the nacho."
"I agree," Springer said as he listened to a call. They were galloping with the usual suspects toward the Industrial Parks. "We have a squeal at the Energon Administration Building. Some kids are duking it out there." He turned off the road and turned up the speed. They galloped onward to try and corral a mini-con sports club mixing it up with another and they would have as much luck with that as ever.
Slagging mini-cons.
=0=Home that night
"How's your cute little pie hole?"
"Don't try The Sexy with me. My mouth feels like the aft end of a Seeker jet."
Ratchet sat down and handed one of the root beer floats in his servo to Ironhide. They sipped them, then Ironhide grinned. "It is cute," he said. He glanced at his nemesis bond. "You got ten of the worst slaggers to eat a toxic nacho. You have voodoo, old mech."
"It wasn't voodoo. It was peer pressure. If I did it right, everyone would join who didn't have the sand to say no," Ratchet said. "On the other hand, some of you got volunteered."
Ironhide grinned. "I owe Appa one. I have to figure it out but its coming."
Ratchet grinned, then watched as the little kids came out, Orion, Praxus and Prowler dragging his favorite dollie. They paused in front of the old folks. "What are you doing up?"
"You doing?" Orion asked as he pointed to their glasses.
"We are. How about you going to bed?" Ratchet asked.
"You better. Ada might give you a nacho," Ironhide said with a smirk.
Ratchet put his glass down, then herded them to the berth room. When he did Ironhide pulled a packet out of his subspace. He slipped it into Ratchet's drink, then sat back all sly and like. He chuckled internally, then watched as Ratchet came back out and sat. He picked up his drink and started to sip when Hero walked out.
"What is everyone doing, Ada? Is Halo going to sleep with me tonight?" she asked.
Ratchet glanced at Ironhide. "Your turn."
Ironhide put his glass down, then picked up Hero to walk into the berth room. He would pick up Halo and tuck them both into Hero's berth. By the time he got back to sit and drink his root beer float, he would be a pretty satisfied slagger. That would remain until the middle of the night when he would go to the wash rack and purge his tanks. Ratchet on the other servo, having switched their drinks while he helped the femmes would recharge like a baby.
=0=The next morning
Ironhide sipped on his tea with a grumpy expression. Ratchet rattled pots and pans getting food prepared for everyone. He glanced at Ironhide. "What was with you last night? You were up and down over and over."
"LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW!" Ironhide said, startling all the kids when he did. They paused their food to stare at him. He glanced at them, then forced a grin. "Nothing."
They stared at him, then each other, then began to eat. Orion turned to Ratchet. "ADA! WHY, ATAR!?"
"Atar had a hard time sleeping last night," Ratchet said as he set down more heaping plates. "He's a poor loser."
:You're a slagger:
Ratchet smiled broadly at him. :You knew it going in:
Ironhide smirked in spite of himself. "True that. I will get my revenge."
Ratchet grinned. "I count on it."
=0=Staff meeting
They came in and sat down to wait for a smirking Prowl and a chuckling Prime to join them from Ops Center. It was quiet a moment as they waited. Ratchet checked social media, then grinned. "Our video has reached 22,000,000 view and counting. Its being shared all over the place."
It would be. It would eventually hit over 10 billion views, doubling the number of the highest viewed YouTube video of all time. Prime walked in and sat. He grinned at the mechs sitting around the room, then looked at Rainmaker who had seen the video along with everyone else there. "I do not think I have stopped laughing since yesterday."
"Well, you would. WUSS!" -everyone there
"Ah, you little babies," Prowl said.
"Babies? Here," Springer said as he slid a nacho box down the table toward Prowl. "I had Rampage make me another one."
It was silent a moment, then Prowl grinned slightly. "All in favor of Ratchet doing the Autobot City Nacho Challenge, raise your servo-"
Ratchet had already cleared the door and was gone.
=0=TBC 12-14-18 edited 12-15-18
Thank you, Leoness. I feel better today. It was sort of hit and run. :D:D HUGS TO EVERYONE!
Factoids about peppers of this caliber:
Milk and other dairy products don't stop the flames. They even enhance them. Use grapefruit, lemons, limes to kill the fire. The citrus juice breaks up the oils where the flames burn and end the pain. Everyone on Youtube who drinks milk to kill this hasn't done their research.
Compare the hottest chili known on Earth, (not the ghost chili but), the Carolina Reaper with the ones most commonly used on the heat index of the Scoville chart: (A man named Scoville made the chart after figuring out how to measure their heat and each shows their heat possibilities in scoville units or SU):
jalapenos: 5,000-15,000 SU
banana peppers: 0 to 500 SU
cayenne: 30,000-50,000 SU
sweet bell peppers (all three colors): 0 SU
Carolina Reapers: 2,200,000 SU
It is no wonder that those who work with high end peppers have to wear environmental suits, gloves and respirators when handling them otherwise you would end up in the hospital. :D
Have fruit juice handy when you eat these things. Its the only thing that works. :D
ESL: dishevel, dishevelment: being messed up, looking messy