She explained everything to them. Everything she could think of that might help. Clara wasn't even sure where the courage came from but something told her she had to if she had any hope of getting better. Obviously there was a lot missing that she couldn't remember - at least she assumed there was - but anything that she could tell she did. Louise listened, the doctor listened. She wasn't actually sure who the others were - they had introduced themselves but she wasn't really listening at the time.
"So you have certain people that normally calm you down?" Louise asked.
"Yeah. I… don't really know why it's only certain people. I think it's about trust maybe. My Dad can, my support teacher, my best friends and.." she stopped.
"Your boyfriend?" Louise asked. At the simple mention of it all her emotions went crazy and she stood up, immediately running out of the room. "I got it," Louise got up and went after her. Clara ran down the corridor where she almost ran into Ellie.
As she went to move around Ellie stopped her, "come with me," she told her and Clara did - following her into Ellie's room. "They don't know we talk yet, they won't look in here too soon. What happened?"
"It's stupid, I just don't want to talk about it and she mentioned it…" Clara sat on the floor and held her knees to her chest.
Ellie sat beside her, "you know in all the time I've been here I've learnt a lot. But the main thing to know is that whatever it is you don't want to talk about, you should. It's the only way to help yourself."
Sometimes Clara realised just how literal the word brainstorm could be. Right now was one of those times. Ellie was right, probably, but some parts of her brain were trying to suggest otherwise. She tried to fight it but she couldn't. She needed- she needed- she couldn't even think his name. She kicked out, hitting the wall in frustration. "Get them in here," she whispered, ignoring the pain in her foot.
Ellie moved swiftly, knowing how quickly she could change her mind, and ran out. It didn't take too long to find Louise either. "Clara's in my room, I think she'll talk now. No time to explain, she might change her mind."
"Thanks Ellie, you go through to the TV lounge while I speak to her," Louise told everyone else to back off and went to Clara, slowing down when she reached the room and going in slowly and trying not to appear too threatening. "Hey, can I sit?" Clara nodded. "Can you tell me why you ran out?"
"I get so angry, I'm angry at him. He was the only person I really thought I could trust," she didn't look up, tears flowing down her face. "I finally felt normal again and then-"
"What he did made you feel like you couldn't trust anymore?" Louise asked and received confirmation. "I understand. It's really difficult, especially after everything you've been through. But you know boys can be mislead sometimes. Your teacher told me what happened, she said there was alcohol involved?"
"Yeah, he said his friends told him it was water," Clara shrugged.
"Had he ever drunk before?" she shook her head, "you know it would have affected him really quickly. It sounds to me like his friends took advantage of that." Clara didn't reply. "Listen, can I tell you what I think?" A shrug. "I think that you were having a tough time because of your memory and that made you fragile. You had only just started to get your memories back and suddenly everything you remembered was shattered. There's still an awful lot you don't remember, I wonder if that might change your mind."
"But I don't remember it do I, so how do I know that?!" Clara suddenly shouted and then stopped. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout. It just keeps happening."
"I know this is all scaring you, but we can help. I think the first thing we need to do is sort these arguments out. How would you feel if I asked Paula and Danny to come in?" Louise asked.
It took her a moment to control herself and take it in, "okay. But you'll be there?"
"If that's what you want, then I'll be there. Now it's nearly lunch, why don't we take a walk down there?" she suggested. Clara nodded, actually feeling a little hungry for the first time in a while.
#-#-#-#
24 hours later and they were sat in a room with 2 sofas a radio and some quite well patterned curtains that looked like they'd never been opened. Her leg was shaking nervously, she hadn't eaten much at breakfast (despite a bit of a fight from Louise) and she was starting to feel a little sick now. The door opened and Louise left to go and speak to Paula and Danny first, leaving Clara technically on her own staring at the light trying to creep through the curtains. She jumped when the door opened again, and now they all came in.
Danny and Paula sat down on the sofa opposite while Louise resumed her place next to Clara but kept quiet, holding her clipboard ready to take notes which Clara thought a little odd, but she didn't question it.
"How are you doing?"
The silence was suddenly broken by Paula's voice and for a moment Clara forgot how to form a sentence. After a small prompt from Louise she cleared her throat a little before replying quietly, "been better," she replied before adding, "but I'm in the right place."
"I'm sorry Clara, I really am, I didn't want any of this to happen," Danny spoke finally. Clara glanced up at him - just briefly - but in that second she could see just how terrified and upset he looked.
"You didn't put me in here, it would have happened anyway." Clara looked up again when she'd finished, this time holding her gaze, "I should have listened to you though, I just freaked out."
He looked up now too, making eye contact for the first time since they'd entered the room. "I screwed up, but I swear on my life I didn't do any of it on purpose and the moment I realised what was going on I pushed everyone away. I wanted to call you but Si stopped me, it wouldn't have been a good idea."
"No, it wouldn't," she replied, breaking eye contact. "I know you didn't do it on purpose, but so many people have let me down and I thought-"
Danny went to stand up but Paula stopped him. There was an awkward silence in the room for a moment but suddenly Clara stood up and held her hand out. Danny took it and stood up, "I will never let you down again, I promise."
Looking up she met his look again and realised he meant every word. Suddenly Clara noticed there were tears escaping her eyes when Danny cautiously rubbed them away. As soon as he had she quickly pulled him close and started crying into his shoulder.
Louise looked a little concerned but Paula went across the room and sat beside her. "Danny is her biggest support. I know it might seem like they're too young but the more you see the more you'll understand," she spoke quietly.
"Miss," she was interrupted by Danny. Both ladies looked up and saw him resting Clara down on the floor as she started to fit. "She's not been taking her medication has she?"
"She has since she's been in here," Louise added.
"It takes 2 weeks to kick in, do your research!" Danny shouted without really thinking, "sorry, she was just doing so well and then all this…"
Paula knelt down beside him, "she'll be okay. That's why she's here, are you timing it?"
"Always. 1 minute 38…" he checked his watch and then looked at Louise and then back to Clara, getting as close to her as was safe, "you're going to be fine, I'll be there for you all the way now. You and me against the world remember?" As he spoke she started to settle.
"That's impressive I'll admit," Louise told him but Danny shrugged.
"Maybe it's coincidence, maybe it's not. Doesn't always work, but I just need her to know," he brushed her hair out of her face as she relaxed and her eyes flicked open. "Hey, how you doing?"
"Tired, don't go," she mumbled and sat up slowly, only moving till she could lean on his shoulder. "I missed you."
"I missed you too, but I can't stay forever," he told her, kissing the top of her head. "I'll visit as much as I can, but you can't rely on me this time. You need to let them help you here," he told her. "Which is why I'm going to go now. You're going to need to sleep, and you need to talk to them." Clara nodded, knowing he was right and too tired to argue. Danny helped her stand up and then let Louise take over. "She'll probably sleep for quite a while, especially if she's had a couple recently. Make sure she drinks because-"
Paula put a hand on his shoulder, "Danny they know."
"We spoke to Clara yesterday, she told us everything about it. Don't worry, we will look after her," Louise explained. "I might give you a call tomorrow - I'll speak to your parents first though, I just want to get some more information from another perspective." Danny nodded.
"I'm still here you know?" Clara mumbled, "I need sleep." At that they said goodbyes and went their separate ways with Clara very quickly falling asleep back in her room.
#-#-#-#
Danny got back to school on Monday and was immediately approached by Jess and Faye. He immediately went to explain but they got there before him. "Paula told us you guys made up. You're still an idiot but if Clara forgives you then so do we. More importantly how is she?"
"She's… kinda as good as she can be at this stage I guess. I spoke to her yesterday but she's given up her phone for a while to try and help. We've got pre-organised times to talk and I'm visiting at the weekend - they want me involved but Clara needs to do a lot of this herself," he explained.
Faye was studying him as he spoke and quickly reached a conclusion, "it's horrible seeing her struggling, but she's strong, and she knows we are all here. Is there anything we can do?"
"I'll have a think, I just need to get back into things here, keep my mind busy," he told them and hurried off.
"We need to take action," Jess spoke when he had gone out of their sight and Faye quickly nodded, running off with her.
#-#-#-#
Danny's roommates were the only people left at school he felt he could trust. They had very quickly disbanded from the group when Danny had for which he was grateful. Jess and Faye hunted down Matt and Lee outside. "Hey, Danny's back," Faye told them.
"Ah fab thanks we'll go find him," Lee replied. "How is he?"
"Worried, upset, basically not good. We need to take action, Clara would hate to know he's moping around. Reckon we can sort something for the end of the day? We can run it by Paula I'm sure she'll give us permission. Just get the 5 of us together, try and cheer him up?" They immediately started planning how to arrange this so Danny couldn't refuse until it was time to get to lessons.
When the school day ended they sprung into action. Faye and Jess ran off to get things sorted, finding everything they needed. Matt and Lee cornered Danny and got him to their room where the girls had organised food and stuck music on. "What's all this?" he asked looking a little confused.
"Distraction. If Clara knew we were letting you mope we'd be in huge trouble, so we spoke to Paula who spoke to everyone else who agreed we could come in for tonight. Now we have food and drink, music and games and you don't get to say no," Jess grinned.
Matt joined in now, "given your old 'gang' are all now an ex-gang, we figured you might need a new one," he chuckled. "Turns out these two are kinda cool."
"Only kind of? Oh honey just you wait," Faye pretended to look annoyed but chuckled. "Come on, let's enjoy the evening while we got it."
A few hours later and Paula knocked on the door. "Time for bed now you lot, 5 minutes to clear up and then I'm coming in. "
They jumped into action, clearing up food packets and straightening things back out. "That was a really good night guys, thank you," Danny thanked them. "Good to have people I can really trust."
"Isn't it just? I'm glad we've got rid of them," Lee commented. "Pleased we've got you back mate."
"Once we've got all 5 of us we can be a proper little crew," Jess replied. Danny looked a little solemn at the comment. "Hey, she'll be back before you know it. Now put that smile back on and make sure you show Clara those pictures at the weekend."
"Deal, see you tomorrow," Danny smiled as the girls left.
"So?" Paula asked as they came out of the room.
"Mission accomplished," Jess and Faye high fived each other. "We'll get those two back properly in time. Just got to look after Danny for now, it's what Clara would want."
"You're good friends, now off to bed with you both," she smiled as they went off to bed.
#-#-#-#
Clara sat on her bed and looked at the picture from her table that she now had in her hands. It was her and Danny, her Gran had bought it when she visited that afternoon. Her head was swimming after the various meetings, school work and her Gran's visit but looking at the picture was calming her a little bit.
"How you doing?" Louise poked her head around the door. Clara quickly put the picture away. "That's the picture your Gran gave you right? Mind if I look?" Clara wasn't entirely sure why she'd put it away so fast, but she still didn't rush to get it out. Louise walked over and sat on the bed, "talk to me?"
"It's been a long day," she shrugged.
"That doesn't explain why you won't show me the picture," Louise pointed out. "What are you thinking?"
Clara didn't respond for a moment, but eventually reached into her drawer and handed it over. "It's from our holiday," she spoke quietly.
"You look really happy," Louise smiled.
"I was, I wish I could be now," she sighed. "I miss it, it wasn't even that long ago but-"
"You've been through a lot Clara, that's why we are here to help you. Don't be angry at yourself for what's happened, we are going to look to the future now okay?" Clara nodded. "You're tired, get yourself to bed and we can start fresh tomorrow," she handed the picture back. "See you tomorrow." With that, she left.
The next morning Clara had stayed in her room waiting for her counselling time to come around. There was a knock at the door before Louise walked in, "morning. Andy tells me you haven't been to breakfast yet, come on."
"I-" she went to argue but Louise stopped her, handing her a bag.
"That's for you, go on - open it," she reassured her. Clara unravelled the bag and pulled out a picture frame. "Plastic, can't give you glass, but I thought it might be nice to put the picture up." Clara smiled slightly. "First, breakfast?" Clara nodded and they went off to the canteen.
After she'd eaten there was another difficult run of meetings. When lunch came she was worn out. "Come on, canteen time," Louise met her after her group counselling session.
"I'm not hungry," Clara shrugged and started walking towards her room.
"You need to eat Clara, it's part of-"
"I don't need to do anything, leave me alone," she ran off, running by her room and to Louise's office, but it was locked.
She kept pushing, but Louise caught up with her and pulled her back. "Hey, what are you trying to do? Talk to me Clara, that's what I'm here for after all."
"I need my phone!" she shouted at her, trying to escape from her grasp.
"Danny?" Louise asked. Clara paused for a moment, "that's a yes then. Clara we agreed on this, you can't rely on him now. He'll be here at the weekend, you can talk later, but right now you need to let me help you."
"I don't know what to do anymore, I spent so long looking after Dad and Gran and it kept me going," she suddenly blurted out, not completely sure where that came from. She felt the tears start to fall and relaxed out of Louise's grasp, sliding down the wall and sitting on the floor. "I need to get better, they need me."
Louise sat down beside her, "Clara you're still young, you shouldn't have to be looking after everyone. Your Dad is being looked after and your Gran is fine - you saw that earlier. You need to look after yourself now. You've been through a lot, you need to talk to us about it all. Your counselor told me you've not said much." There was no response. "Alright, you go to your room and I'll get you something to eat, we can have a chat?" Clara nodded, maybe she did actually need to talk.
When Louise returned to her room Clara was sat on her bed cross legged and trying to work out what to say next. She'd told them all about her seizures, this was just the next step right? "You look deep in thought," Louise told her, making Clara jump slightly at the noise. "Sorry, you alright?" She received a shrug in response. She handed the tray over and sat down. "What are you thinking?"
"I don't know where to start," Clara sighed, taking a small bite of the sandwich.
"How about why you feel like you need to look after everyone?" Louise asked, not really sure what response she was going to get.
"Because I promised Mum I would," Clara spoke honestly.
"Did she agree to that?"
"She-" Clara stopped and took a deep breath, "she was already dead by then." She put the tray down. "Dad wasn't coping, the grief took over and he didn't know what to do anymore. He'd always worked, Mum did the cooking and the shopping - it just worked that way they weren't trying to conform to stereotypes or anything. Mum did work, but only in school hours so she was there for me. Then she got ill and… she just kept going. Then when she was really ill Gran helped out, and then… she was gone. Dad couldn't cope and Gran couldn't do everything on her own, then she got ill as well so she had to be careful…"
"So you took over?" Louise asked to a nod. "You just wanted to look after your family, that's understandable Clara, but you need to realise that you're young and you have your own fights to fight. That's why we're here."
"It's what made me sick isn't it?" she was slowly beginning to realise.
"Between the pressures of that and your Mum, it sounds like it to me. I don't think you've really let it all go even though everything is a bit different now," Louise put an arm around her, "we can get you through this now, give you the proper help for you. That includes talking to your Dad, Paula and Danny too. Show them how they can help you, and how you can all work together."
"It's not fair on them, especially Danny he didn't ask for any of this he just-"
"He cares about you a lot, and I'm pretty sure that if he didn't want to help you he would be long gone. Yes he's young, you both are, but I've met the kid once and I can tell he's in this for the long run. We'll get you through this together," Louise told her. "You just need to let me help you."
Clara nodded, picking up the tray of food. "Okay, maybe you're right."
"They say I trained hard for this job. Between you and me I just walk in and make it up everyday," Louise grinned, getting a smile from Clara. "That's better. Go on, eat up - nearly time for school."