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Rory is upset when she gets back from Stars Hollow and when Jess sees her car he sees why; there is a giant scar cutting into the metal. Jess doesn't know what to say to make it better so settles for, "That sucks."
"It does," Rory says unhappily. She stares at it, running a hand over the mark, and Jess doesn't add that he's surprised no one has stolen it. He sticks his hands into his pockets, his fingers brushing some old quarters and half a cigarette. Jess wishes he could do something - pay to get it fixed - but he can't, and knows Rory can't either. Between covering rent and groceries the quarters in Jess's pockets isn't much more than what they have to spare.
"I'm sorry," Jess adds and Rory sniffles, shaking herself.
"No, it's dumb. It's just a car."
"Right."
"I can get it fixed," Rory says doubtfully. "Maybe not next week, but..."
Her voice trails off but her eyes stay fixed on the scar. Jess tries to put his arm around her but Rory shakes herself, moving away. She smiles and says, "I'm okay. Do you want to do dinner?"
They go upstairs and eat but Rory is quiet, her answers brief to Jess's questions about her trip to see Lane.
"It was fine," she says, tucking her hair back. "Good to have some girl talk."
She sounds sad and Jess can't tell if it's the car or from Stars Hollow. He has a feeling something else went on and asks, "Bump into anyone else?"
There's a pause as Rory chews a noodle and Jess is afraid she saw Dean again, but instead she swallows and says, "I saw Mom."
"Oh." That's not a great improvement but at least Rory wasn't palling around with Dean. Even if they're not together now Jess doesn't love the idea - not that he distrusts Rory, it's how she is after seeing him. And Jess still has that sense that he interrupted something, that night when he asked Rory to leave with him. Why is he stressing about this? Rory didn't even see Dean! She is sad from seeing Lorelai and Jess asks carefully, "Did you have a fight?"
"No...not really a fight. It was just weird. And cold."
Jess nods and, inexplicably, Rory puts down her fork and starts rummaging in her bag, emerging with a bag of poptarts. Jess laughs in surprise and Rory explains, "Mom gave me these - us these, I guess. She says every kitchen needs them!"
Jess highly doubts Lorelai wants him helping himself to her daughter's poptarts - there's a metaphor - but he smiles to see Rory brighten over the box. She opens it and eats one cold, grinning as the crumbs fall onto her lap.
"Classy as always," Jess teases and Rory throws the wrapper at him. "Coffee to go with that?"
"You even have to ask?"
The rest of the evening is peaceful and Rory seems more relaxed. They each take a book and read contentedly, smiling at each other over the spines, but in the morning Rory is subdued again. Jess can tell she's thinking about the car. He shifts up onto an elbow and asks, "How'd you sleep?"
"Fine."
Jess isn't sure about that. He could feel her tossing and turning a few times. The strangeness of sleeping together has worn off now. At first, they almost held their breath when lying in bed together, careful not to accidentally touch the other if they were getting ready for sleep. As if they hadn't just had sex. Lately, that nervousness has evaporated for Jess and he thought it had for Rory too, but she seemed anxious last night. Jess leans over to kiss her and Rory kisses him back but she seems absent, somehow. Jess hopes it's just the car that's bothering her.
"We should go out," Rory says suddenly, pushing the covers back. "See stuff."
"Like what?"
"I don't know," Rory says. "But we're in New York, we should go out."
"Okay," Jess says, thrown slightly by Rory's urgency. "Sure. I'll throw some clothes on."
They busy themselves with getting dressed, eating a poptart each for breakfast, and Jess takes a few bills from the money Luke left them. He doesn't want to spend anything but guesses a few dollars won't hurt. Rory is impatient with excitement but once they're outside and Jess asks where she has in mind Rory deflates a little.
"I don't know," she admits. "I guess we shouldn't go too far..."
"The good stuff is mostly on the other side of town."
"Yeah, I know."
Rory bites her lip, looking down the street, and Jess follows her gaze of cracked sidewalk and water spurting from a broken hydrant. It is, strangely, silent apart from the traffic nearby. The neighbourhood is still asleep.
"Can I see where you work?" Rory asks suddenly and Jess asks in surprise, "The restaurant?"
"Yeah! I've never been there."
"There's a reason for that," Jess remarks but he feels relieved that they at least have an aim on where they're going. "Ready for the grand tour?"
"I'm excited already."
It doesn't take long to reach the restaurant. It's dark and closed at this time but, as Jess comments, it's not much lighter in the evening.
"Still tons of dishes though," he adds. He considers asking Rory about the cafe but gets the sense she doesn't want to go there on her day off. Jess can tell she's not enjoying it there but Rory insists it's fine. They look at the restaurant a little longer and Jess remarks, "I didn't live too far from here."
"Huh?"
"Before I moved to Stars Hollow," Jess clarifies. "We moved around a lot, but the last apartment wasn't too far from here."
"Did you ever see Liz?" Rory asks haltingly. "You know, before she moved to Stars Hollow and you went back here?"
"No," Jess says sourly. It's mostly true; one afternoon he bumped into her on the way back from the bookstore and she suggested dinner. Jess knew what that meant, a lot of tears over a current boyfriend and probably his mother getting drunk at the same time. He didn't need the side-helping of sobs over how his mother wanted things to work out for him in Stars Hollow. Jess was done with feeling like a disappointment to everyone. He turned down Liz's invitation but the look on her face guilted him into agreeing to coffee. Jess wished he hadn't gone, their conversation mostly followed the route he'd imagined, but Jess doesn't say any of this to Rory. Instead he looks around, avoiding her eyes, and stares when Rory suggests, "Can we go see your old apartment?"
"Why?"
"I'm just interested to see it, I guess," Rory says. "But if you don't want to, no big deal. I'm sorry, it was stupid to ask."
"No," Jess says slowly. "We can go."
"Really?"
"Why not?"
They walk the few blocks down and Jess points up at a building. "There. We had the second window on the right."
Rory stares to peer up at it and says, "You can't really see it."
"There's nothing to see," Jess says irritably. "It's a dump. Barely even had rooms."
He kicks a pebble and Rory looks at him, surprised. Just looking at the building again is stirring up an old anger in Jess, but when Rory asks, "You okay?" Jess snaps, "I'm fine."
He feels mad at her for asking to go here and then mad at himself. Things like this is why he still breaks out a cigarette here and there, despite mostly having quit. Frustrated, Jess takes a deep breath, and says, "Sorry. Being back here...it's not exactly a fun stroll down memory lane."
Jess hasn't been inside in years but he can see the apartment as clearly as yesterday. Two shoeboxes of bedrooms and a living room full of broken furniture, the TV mostly showing static until you hit it several times. It was almost a relief when Liz's boyfriend stole it. And beer bottles everywhere until Jess finally threw them out. He accidentally threw out one a boyfriend hadn't finished with once, and he'd punched Jess so hard he fell against the wall. Liz was asleep, having drunk herself into a stupor some hours before. Jess didn't bother telling her - it happened all the time. Liz never knew, but Jess doesn't admit the truth. That if he told her she'd still stay with the guy.
Rory bites her lip. "Maybe we should go," she says. "I'm sorry I..."
Her voice fades and Jess shrugs, trying to seem nonchalant. "It's no big deal."
"You seem upset."
"I'm fine. I'm not wild about this place, that's all. I've lived better places."
Rory looks at him curiously and Jess starts to feel a blush creep across his neck.
"What?"
"Nothing...I just remember you wanting to come back here," Rory says carefully. "I thought you missed New York - you hated Stars Hollow."
A hollow laugh escapes Jess's throat. Asking which was the worst place to live is like asking to choose between between being heated or frozen to death. Rory looks puzzled so Jess elaborates, "They both had their issues."
Jess can easily talk about the crappiness of Stars Hollow, like being trapped under a microscope in some kind of endless musical number. Jeez, the new water fountain warranted a party and a lead story in the Stars Hollow Gazette! No space, no privacy...but there are things Jess misses. He misses having a place to crash that's warm and always has food in the refrigerator. He misses having a job with steady hours and flexibility. He misses Luke being there, for all that they're not on best terms right now, and he missed Rory most of all. But now she's here and all the rest of Stars Hollow's virtues fade away. She looks at him expectantly so Jess tries to explain, "I could be myself in New York."
"And you couldn't in Stars Hollow?"
"I mean, I could relax. I could go out and not have five hundred pairs of eyes on me - if there's even that many in Stars Hollow," Jess jokes. "I missed being able to just do stuff, find somewhere new. Not be Luke's punk nephew."
"You weren't that to me," Rory says softly. Jess smiles but she doesn't understand. Maybe she can't - Stars Hollow has been her whole life. Still, surely Rory knows on some level how trapping that town can be. Whenever she comes back from visiting there's a tense expression on her face. Maybe you have be on the wrong side of the town to see it.
They look at each other for a moment and then Rory takes a breath. "So what did you do here?" she asks. "You said you liked to go out and find stuff."
"Right," Jess says relieved at the change of subject. "Yes. Sometimes I'd just wander, sometimes I'd hang out at the public library...I'd spend hours in there. Or I'd look for a bookstore I didn't know yet."
"How much success did you have?"
"Reasonable amount," Jess says and Rory grins.
"Show me one."
They treat themselves to the subway, descending the steps into the dusty black. They sit together on the train and Jess catches sight of Rory's face in the window opposite. She is smiling at their reflection and then Jess catches it when she doesn't know he's looking. Her eyes are wandering, curious, but there is still that light happiness on her face, her blue eyes bright. Jess looks and looks at her but when Rory glances back he smiles, almost embarrassed. He loves her so much it hurts and Jess fights that fear in the back of his mind, the worry that he isn't enough.
Jess's thoughts are broken as they reach the stop they need and he jumps up, almost tripping as the train stutters to a halt. Giggling, Rory follows Jess up to the street and they both blink in the sudden light.
The streets are cheerful, filled with flux of mid-afternoon and Jess can see Rory brighten. It's better than the area they live by miles - figuratively and literally speaking. They stroll side by side down the street and Jess is reminded of their day in New York together two years ago. It seems a long time ago and recent all at once. Jess vividly remembers how he felt that day, how he wanted to grab Rory's hand as they walked. He wants to now but even though they're together Jess is shy over it, so settles for smiling at Rory. He stops, nodding at a storefront.
"Found this place a few years ago."
Books are crammed in the windows and Rory's eyes go wide with excitement. Jess laughs as she almost runs to the door and says, "Hey, should we give ourselves a time limit in here?"
"Live wildly, Mariano! We have all day!"
They don't spend the whole day inside but it's a solid hour and a half, if not two. Whenever Jess starts to move another title catches his eye and, judging by Rory's gasps of delight, she seems to be equally captivated. Occasionally they show each other a title and break into discussion, but mostly they browse silently, sending each other smiles. He's feeling peaceful, Jess realises. What is it about books that bring him serenity? But they do, for him and for Rory, and that's all that matters.
Finally Jess gets up, stretching out the cramp in his legs. "Hey," he says softly to Rory. "Ready to head out?"
"Mm," Rory says, distracted, and Jess bites back a smile as the shopkeeper gives him a look.
"Rory. They're going to close soon."
"Yes. Okay. One second..."
Jess gives her another minute and finally places his hand on the pages, making Rory grumble but grin as she gets up. "Okay, okay, I'm up."
"Glad to see it."
Jess notices the small pile of books beside her and his happiness fades slightly. He knows neither of them can buy them and Rory sighs as she starts putting them back.
"Can't we buy one book?" she asks suddenly. "Just one?"
Jess wants to say yes but hesitates and Rory says quickly, "I know it's kind of a luxury. But just one...this one doesn't cost too much..."
He looks at the book in her hand and the expression on her face and nods, breaking into a smile as Rory's eyes light up.
"Just one," he agrees. What the hell - they still have some money left over from Luke. Rory almost dances as she takes the book to the register and a memory stirs in Jess's mind. It's the day she went to the book fair, he remembers, her and Dean. The day she finally realised her bracelet was gone and Jess had snuck it back. You should be with me is what he wanted to tell her. You should go to book fairs with me, not that jerk. But of course he didn't say it. He never told her about the bracelet either. Jess didn't dare to think Rory could feel the same way.
Rory has picked out a book of short stories by Sylvia Plath and all the way home, she carries the book aloft, reading random sentences out loud, and this time Jess slips an arm around her waist. New York is the perfect place to be, now that she is with him. They splurge on a slice of pizza each and laugh at each other as they get sauce on their cheeks. All the ugliness of the morning with the car and seeing the old apartment slip away, as they walk slowly together. Their shadows have blended into one.