The Diego Diaries: Ho-Ho-Hee-Hee (dd6 569)
=0=On their way
They began to drift back to The Fortress. Some were doing double duty at both locations of their public school. Some were hitting senior centers, home school meet up sites, Aerie Hill, shut ins, the social center where some kids lived for varying reasons, hospitals, care centers and some day cares. All over the colony they went followed by flat beds carrying the gifts to be presented. It was a well oiled machine with the occasional intervention from The Boss, Generalissimo Giganto Commandante Blondi of Stanix.
A horse drawn carriage followed by riders pulled into the roadside in front of The Fortress and everyone climbed out and down. Horses were hitched to the carriage and when it left they followed on their way to the barn and their waiting treats. The hoo-haw walked inside, took their bows, then strolled to the gigantic buffet that lined an entire wall of the crowded rec room. Families and kids, friends and comrades were there waiting for them as they ambled in with their hats at jaunty angles.
"What took ya so long?" Twin Twist asked Springer and Drift as they walked in with their 'elves'.
"This is a big colony, sport. Try getting out more," Springer said with a grin as he walked to the punch bowl. "Has Arcee spiked this yet?"
"She spiked it before she left and we've had to re-spike it five times. Just say the buzz is good here," Twin said as he grinned at the two who grabbed plates and began to pile up. "Blondi and Holi arranged Ops Center to be a casino. You can eat in there."
"Sounds good. First time for everything," Springer said with a chuckle. When his plate was suitably full and a cold one was in his grip, he headed in there to sit at one of the many tables to chow down.
Drift walked in, sat down and stretched. "This Santa Priming is hard work."
"It is but very rewarding," Springer said with a snicker. "I think it means we only have to stay in The Pit for half the time we've earned, not the full allotment."
"Don't you remember? There is no Pit," Drift said as he began to eat.
"From your pie hole to the audials of the Liege Maximo, Premier of Hell," Springer said as others joined him.
All around the room families were eating, all of them somehow related to the official reps of Santa Prime, the city administration and all the related departments of the colony and the Senior Autobot-Civilian Committee. There were bonds, beaus, infants and children, some of whom were running like flocks of pheasants careening off everything and everyone along with elders and friends.
As they began to eat, another horse carriage arrived with Ironhide and his Posse. They climbed down, hitched horses to the carriage to go to the barn, then ambled in like Caesar crossing the Rubicon if that eminence had done so in elf hats. Getting the slag handed, they gave it back postage due, loaded up with WARRIOR FOOD! and beer, then walked into the room to find a table to sit and chow down.
More came along with humans who were dropping in before heading to the big Christmas dance and hor d'oeuvres blow out at Unidad that would be gathering steam in a few joors. They had, some of them, followed a few of the mechs on their journey of good cheer while others came to the center to sit and wait for the slaggers to come back.
On the table in front of Ironhide several children were standing as they watched everyone and played together while taking a bite now and again. They were little mechs who were the children of soldiers, some of them Home Guard. Anyone who wanted could come here and among them were true believers who loved hanging with the big mechs and listening to the slag that was 'truer than true, Ada. You should listen' as one of the youngling Watch mentor kids said when asked why he was staying out so much lately.
That one.
Lon, Bezel, Partition, Lancer and half the femme team, Maelstrom, Chromia, Terradive and Roto who were laughing loudly at something Bezel said about something, the titans and the kids along with a lot of others were gathered around the room eating, talking and laughing at the hoo-haw. The crowd was endless, varied and happy.
Blackjack and his crew, Alor, Ratchet and his crew including the two little girls and three of their friends they called to join them along with Prime at last showed up and joined the food line. Huge slag, catcalls, laughter and some applause greeted them as they walked in with their enchanted line of youngling kids for the food and drinks.
"Well, nothing like being appreciated. How was your run?" Ratchet asked as he helped the girls get plates and a place in the line.
"It was as wonderful as ever," Optimus said as he helped himself to a huge piece of just about everything.
Prowl who was amused that much food could fit on one plate glanced at Ratchet. "He was magnificent as ever. You do understand that his perfection extends to everything he does."
Huge laughter and a surprising amount of agreement met that bit of sass as they moved along slowly.
"Abba Ratchet was amazing," Jessine said as four femmes with her nodded. "We called some of our friends to help. The elders and the sick people needed cheering up. We were there to help them. That's what the Watch wants us to do, help others."
Everyone stared at the earnest youngling femmes with amusement and a lot of pride as they chatted about their efforts and how it made them want to do more. The three new girls weren't part of the program but they were caught up in the moment and the adults around them giving everyone attention and appreciation. It was a new and beautiful world to all of them.
They got their drinks so Ratchet led them with brimming plates into the Ops Center where they gawked around themselves as they walked to a table where the youngling mechs with Springer had found themselves a place to sit. They greeted each other with excitement, then sat down to eat and discuss the whole thing. Ratchet walked back out with a grin, took cuts and got slagged for it, then walked back in with food and drink as well. He sat down at the big table where most of the senior Autobots were congregated, there or around it. "Well, how was your orn?"
"Great," Lissie said with a grin. "This was fun. I don't know what Christmas Surprise is but I like it. Are the younglings off for a decaorn now?"
"They are. We have the next basketball game in four orns. Kaon versus Iacon. IACON WILL SMASH THEM FLAT!" Ratchet said, ever the homeboy.
"ADA'S DRUNK AGAIN!" Sideswipe called out to laughter and agreement from the punters.
"Slagger. Iacon will go the distance. We have the slagging Matrix-"
"RATCHET!"
Everyone glanced at a fuming Ravel, then laughed. It including Prime who sat down with Prowl and both their genitors. On the next table over, the entire Household Guard with bonds were seated along with, of all mechs, Soundwave. He'd been invited and came, sitting next to them along with Shackle, Lebus, their bonds, kids and elders. The Center was filling up and so was the Rec Room. It was amusing, filled with conversations, children eating at tables, from their elder's laps, running like maniacs stopping long enough to get a bite, then racing onward. It was the most colorful Grange get together ever if the get together was held in a car manufacturer's parking lot.
Will Lennox stood on the table before Ratchet chatting away. :This is a good thing you do. This colony is going to be too big some day. What then?:
"We get more Santas. I want to keep my route and I know the others want theirs. They're frauds, you know. We'll just gear up. Maybe some orn we can't. Right now, all over Cybertron candy and presents are being delivered. We had a titan making them for the past half year. No one is going to be left out if we can help it. No one," Ratchet said almost grimly. "I have issues as you can see."
Lennox grinned. :I can't imagine why:
"Me either. I keep telling my therapist that," Ratchet said with a dazzling smile.
"What therapist?" Ironhide said as he popped a bun in his mouth. He ate it, then grinned. "You need one."
Ratchet smiled again. "Why waste my time telling a therapist slag when I have Greco-Roman wrestling in the berth with yo-"
"RATCHET!"
Ravel actually got up, walked to Ratchet, then slapped his helm. He walked back with a frown, then sat. He frowned at Ratchet, a wholly adorable sight to everyone watching including Ratchet.
"YOU LOVE ME! EVERYONE DOES! It's my refinement and personal charm that does i-"
Slag squared.
Ravel actually grinned at Ratchet. "Serves you right, little Mister Wise Acre."
"Wise acre?" Ratchet asked as he and everyone there did a quick survey of the internet.
Then they agreed.
Loudly.
"Fraggers. Just for that I'm not going to do the interpretive dance I planned for the holiday season," Ratchet said.
"Oh please ….," Prowl said with a smirk. "Do."
"It requires copious amounts of nudity and swearing and there's children present," Ratchet said with a big smile.
:Nudity?: Bobby Epps asked with a chuckle. :You dudes are already nude:
The room became silent instantly as everyone turned in their seats to look at Epps. He blanched, then glanced around. :You are. You don't have anything on:
Everyone stared at him, then each other, then him. Springer grinned. "So all this time I've been naked. You learn something everyday."
"It's a good look on you," Drift said with a grin as everyone in the room erupted in laughter. Then he glanced at Epps who he liked greatly. "Given that we've shown you want we got, how about you slaggers strip and show us yours?"
"Oh frag, not that again," Springer said as Devcon laughed loudly with the twins.
"Yeah. SHOW US, slaggers. I want to see your tiny junk. Then we can show you ours, though I can't guarantee it can fit the room," Sideswipe said with a laugh.
HUGE enormous laughter and agreement with a lot of mystified children glancing here and there with curiosity which no one would quench with explanations. Ravel did glare at all of them cutely, however.
"Maybe yours is tiny but don't include me, sport," Jetta said. "I get no complaints, size queen."
Huge laughter greeted that though most of the room had no really clear idea what they were talking about so Ratchet rapped his knuckles on the table. He stood, cleared his throat, then gathered himself like a teacher's pet he was. "Since most of you don't know what they're talking about, allow me as a doctor to explain."
HUGE HOO-HAW from those who wanted the insanity and HUGE HOO-HAW from those who remembered what he was going to say and howled. Devcon leaned around his family to catch Ratchet's optics. "Go ahead, Ratch. Tell them the story. It's a great story."
Ratchet dazzled them all, then began. "Well, it was on an away mission where we used pretender tech to simulate good looking and well made humans."
:I suppose you were anatomically correct: Epps said as he glanced at Springer who was groaning around his desire to laugh forever.
"Frag, yeah. Some of us more so than others," Sunstreaker said just to be ornery.
"Think horses," Sideswipe said as the room convulsed, some of them not in a good way.
"Anyway, they drank themselves stupid and I had to come and lay servos on, these servos, these miraculous servo-" A bun bounced off his face and landed in front of Ironhide. He ate it. Ratchet smirked at him, then continued. "Before that, they'd finally decided to check their junk to get the horror over with. No one had yet and all of them were fully loaded," he said as the room erupted in laughter. A lot of slag about pop guns and pea shooters was traded before it settled again.
"Who was it?" Bezel asked with delight.
"Drift, Springer, the twins and Devcon," Ratchet replied. "I think that was all of you. Anyway, they were pretty loaded so Drift suggested they go into the living room of their hotel and make a circle. At the count of three, they'd drop their pants, scream a lot, then get really drunk, stupider drunk."
"Frag, that sounds horrible. What was that like, Sunny, having a thing down there?" Twin Twist asked as he leaned against the console nearby with a beer. "Sounds like a … ugh, I don't know what it sounds like."
Sunny grinned at him. "Percy and 'Jack can help you achieve all your fantasies, Twin. Just ask."
"FRAG NO!" -everyone checking the internet again for images
"OH, FRAG NO!" -everyone again
"What happened then, Ratchet?" Steiner asked as he laughed loudly. "I want to go on away missions with the infants. Sign me up, Prime," he said as he glanced over at Prime who was still laughing loudly.
"Done deal," Prime said with a chuckle. "Continue, Ratchet."
"Okay," Ratchet said with a brilliant smile. "Anyhoo … they unfastened their pants, gripped them like the big babies they were and waited as Drift counted. Three … two … one! He dropped his pants, the others were too frozen from fear to drop theirs and everyone screamed. Its a great story, almost literature," he said as he sat down.
Everyone there screamed as well including the humans.
Moments later …
They chuckled, sipped beer and smirked at each other. Twin turned to Drift. "So, Drift … what did you see? All of the rest of you jump in at will."
"Frag you, Twin," Drift said with a chuckle. "They got to see me at my prime. No offense, Sensei."
"None taken," Optimus said with a howling laugh.
"Offense taken," Prowl said with a smirk.
"I'd have nightmares for the rest of my natural life if I dropped anything and saw that," Sandstorm said.
"Saw what?" Roadie asked as everyone turned to watch the two, both of them unlikely friends. "What did they see?"
"I don't know. Some unbelievably saggy human thing, right?" Sandy asked as he glanced at the twins.
"I can activate my gear and make a shell to show you if you'd like," Sideswipe said as he began to rise from his chair.
"NO!" -everyone in the room including the humans
"Thanks for the present, Ada," Springer said with a grin. "Nothing like undercutting my authority to the ranks."
"And what a rank bunch they are," Kup said to great acclaim.
"See if I ever go on an away mission with any one of you, slaggers," Ratchet said as he began to eat again.
"You have to go," Drift said. "You're essential equipment. Right, Prowl?"
Prowl who was smirking at Ratchet nodded. "You have to go. Pants optional."
Howling laughter.
=0=TBC 1-14-19 edited 1-22-19
ESL
The Grange in American farming history was important. It was the place where everyone got together for potlucks, dancing and community when everyone lived miles apart on farms. It was the farming center of a community and many was the time my mom was laid to sleep on the lower deck of a long table during a Grange dance where the farmers brought food, hootch and their dancing shoes after the major farming was over. Good times. :D