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Rory drives down the road in a daze. She moves the car on automatic pilot, not checking or caring how long it takes to bring her back, the journey silent. Rory's thoughts are deafening but drowning them with music would be worse.
Stars Hollow is mercifully quiet as Rory pulls up to her mother's house. It is only as she stops the car that Rory pauses, staring up at her old home. How can she go inside, explain what happened? Rory allows herself a moment. It's a soft night in Stars Hollow, the kind she never noticed before. Rory has a whole summer of loud New York nights inside her, a ragged kind of darkness. She looks and looks at Lorelai's house until finally Rory forces herself to into action. Slowly, she walks up the path but before she can decide between knocking or using her key the front door is flung open and Lorelai stares at her.
"Rory?"
"Mom..."
"I heard footsteps," Lorelai says, gazing at her daughter. "I had a feeling...Rory, what's going on?"
Rory opens her mouth to speak but her voice catches into sobs again. She puts a hand to her eyes, trying to stop them, but all she can do is cry harder. Lorelai puts her arms around her, kissing her cheek and finally Rory is able to sob, "It's over."
"Oh honey. It's okay."
It's not, Rory wants to cry. Nothing will ever be okay again, but she doesn't voice it. Instead she tries to swallow her tears to no avail, and allows Lorelai to lead her into the house.
"Coffee," Lorelai says, her words forcefully upbeat. "That's a start. I'll whip up a pot right now."
Rory nods, numbly sitting on the couch. Everything looks the same. There's no reason why it shouldn't, she supposes, but it feels wrong. Rory looks around the bright walls with blurred eyes and tries to smile as her mother brings her a cup of steaming coffee.
"Thanks, Mom."
"Are you okay?" Lorelai asks gently and Rory shakes her head. She doesn't elaborate, instead taking a scalding sip of coffee. It's far too hot but Rory welcomes the burning. She sips some more but, as Lorelai cradles her arm around her, Rory breaks into tears again. She puts the cup down and lets herself cry properly, loud tears which splatter all down her shirt and Lorelai's too. Her mother strokes her hair, gently comforting her, and Rory leans into Lorelai. It's a relief to let her hold her. Lorelai lets Rory cry it out, kissing her cheeks, and gently asks, "Do you want to talk about it?"
"No," Rory says tearfully. "I just want to sleep."
"It might make you feel better to talk about it."
A wave of exhaustion has hit Rory and she shakes her head, the wound too fresh.
"I can't - not now."
"Sweets -"
"Mom, I can't," Rory insists, afraid that she's going to cry again. "I can't."
"Oh Rory. It's okay. You'll feel better once you've had some sleep and obscene amount of food inside you."
Rory highly doubts that, although a large breakfast sounds good, in spite of it all. She kisses her mother goodnight and says quietly, "Thanks, Mom."
"Goodnight angel."
Lorelai leaves her to get ready for bed and Rory discovers she's left her toothbrush behind. That fact makes her burst out crying all over again, but she doesn't want Lorelai to see her. Rory turns the taps on full blast until the tears stop, staring at herself in the mirror. Her face is red and crumpled and tired, and it feels odd to see it so clearly. They had half a mirror in the apartment and it was completely smeared. Thinking of that makes Rory think back to New York, back to Jess, and furiously she splashes water over her face until her tears are thoroughly gone. Changing into some old pyjamas in the drawer, Rory slips into bed and stares up at the ceiling for a moment. It doesn't feel real that she's here. Rory remembers her first night in the apartment, how she wasn't sure she could ever sleep there. Right now Rory doesn't think she can sleep in her mother's house either, particularly not with her heart so tangled, but as soon as she switches the lamp off Rory falls into a deep, drowning sleep and wakes late the next morning.
A sound outside wakes Rory and for a moment she blinks, lost as to where she is. After a moment she remembers and uncomfortably shifts up to sit in the bed. Rory's never felt out of place sleeping in her old bedroom before, even when she moved to Yale. The dorm never felt likes hers and Lorelai's house was still firmly Rory's home. Now, she's not so sure. Rory doesn't think she has any kind of home and, suddenly, she's unsteady, wondering where her next place will be. What if she never feels at home again? Rory's musings are broken by a knock on the door and Lorelai entering with a careful smile.
"Good morning, sweets."
"Hey, Mom."
Lorelai sits on the chair opposite her daughter's bed, looking as lost as Rory for a moment.
"How'd you sleep?"
"Good," Rory admits, surprised at the fact and nods when Lorelai asks, "Do you feel a little better? How about pancakes from Luke's?"
"I don't think I want to go the diner," Rory says quietly and Lorelai gets up, putting a hand on Rory's arm.
"I'll bring it back here. You can just stay in bed and relax."
Wallow, Rory thinks, but she nods, trying to smile. She wonders if Luke knows, unsure if she wants him to or not. After her mother's gone Rory slowly gets out of bed, body exhausted despite the deep sleep. She left most of her stuff in the car but Rory finds an old hairbrush which she runs through her hair before taking a long, hot shower. It feels luxurious after the one in the apartment, but Rory can't really enjoy it. She pulls on some old jeans and a sweatshirt before going out to the car and getting out the boxes. Rory casts a nervous glance around but thankfully no neighbours appear to be out, not that Rory imagines it'll make an iota of difference. Doubtlessly Miss Patty has already spread word all over town that Rory's back. Biting her lip, Rory closes the car, its scar shining in the sunlight. Surely that's been gossiped about too.
Bringing the boxes inside, Rory dumps them in the bedroom before going back into the living room and finding her purse. Cautiously, she checks her cellphone and is both sad and relieved that there's nothing new on it. Jess hasn't tried to call her once. Rory puts it down, making some coffee, but her eyes stray back to the phone as she sips and finally Rory picks it up. She starts dialling Jess's number, still a little amused that he got around to getting one, but stops herself from completing it. What's the point if he answers? What can Jess say that's going to change things? There's nothing he or she can say. Rory holds the phone tightly in her hands, wondering about Jess, hoping he's okay. Part of her wants to call just to known he is, but how can he be? And what can Rory say to help?
The door opens, breaking Rory from her reverie, and she drops the phone with a jump.
"Hey, hon," Lorelai says brightly. "I thought you'd still be in bed!"
"Got restless," Rory says simply and her mother nods. "Something smells good!"
"I come bearing chocolate chip pancakes with strawberries and I got Luke to throw in a few waffles too!"
"Great!" Rory exclaims. She smiles, but it feels weak, and asks, "Did Luke know that...?"
"No," Lorelai says gently. "He wants to know if you're okay."
Rory shrugs and Lorelai sits besides her, saying, "I told him you will be."
Rory doesn't want to answer that. Instead, she focuses on opening the bags of food and Lorelai loudly announces that she's going to make more coffee. As she brings the cups over, mother and daughter eat and drink silently, to Rory's relief, until finally Lorelai pushes the last of the food away and looks at her daughter.
"Do you feel ready to talk about it?"
"I don't think I ever will," Rory says honenstly, hating the sad look her mother gives her.
"Can you try?" she asks softly. "I know how much it hurts, but it hurts more if you don't."
Rory pauses, staring at the cup in her hand so she won't have to look up. She's very aware of Lorelai's eyes on her and finally Rory says, "It was hard."
She feels Lorelai put her arm around her and Rory swallows before saying, "There was the stuff I told you about - it was hot and dirty and the waitressing gig sucked - but some other stuff happened."
"What stuff?" Lorelai asks gently. "Rory?"
Rory hesitates, considering brushing her mother off. She doesn't want a lecture, endless rounds of I told you so, but it's heavy, holding it all in and Rory misses sharing things with Lorelai. She takes a deep breath and says, "I thought I was pregnant."
There's a sound of Lorelai sucking in her breath and nervously Rory looks up. Her mother's arm has tightened around her and Lorelai says, "Rory."
"I'm not," Rory says quickly, looking into her mother's eyes. "I promise."
"You're sure?"
"I took a test and it was negative."
"How did this happen?" Lorelai asks and then she gives an awkward laugh. "Well. I know how."
"We were being careful," Rory tells her. "I went on the pill, but we didn't always use condoms."
Lorelai sighs and Rory steels herself, but no lecture comes. Instead, her mother cups her chin and says, "Are you okay?"
"It was scary but I'm okay."
"And that's why you broke up?"
Rory nods but it's not just that, she thinks. She wants it to be - that they simply freaked out over a pregnancy scare - but Rory knows it was more. A lump swells in her throat and, blinking away some tears, Rory pours herself more coffee, and then more for her mother.
"Thanks," Lorelai says. She takes a sip, strokes some of Rory's hair back from her face, and says softly, "This was for the best."
"How?" Rory asks angrily. She drinks coffee to stall more crying and Lorelai sighs.
"I know it doesn't feel like it right now, and it doesn't feel like you'll ever be okay again. But you will, I promise. We all date guys like this Rory, it's a rite of passage. Now you've got Jess out of your system you can move on."
"No!" Rory exclaims, slamming her cup down with a slop of coffee. "It wasn't - Jess was some rite of passage."
"Hon, I've been there!"
"No you haven't!"
"I had you!" Lorelai exclaims. "I dated a few mysterious seeming guys, loved taking risks with them, and the guy I took most risks with is your dad! I was a kid once, that was what I wanted, and then when I had you I knew I needed more. And Rory, you'll see what I mean after a little time and distance. You will."
"It's not the same," Rory says, vehemently shaking her head. "I loved Jess."
"I loved Christopher!"
"Dad isn't Jess!" Rory shouts. "Dad never committed to you, to anything! You held onto him for years because you wanted him to be more!"
"Hey!"
"I'm not you!"
"Rory!" Lorelai looks like she's been slapped, but after a second she composes herself, taking a deep breath.
"I know how much you're hurting," she says. "I know you're mad at me for saying all this, and I get it, I seriously do. I know you still love Jess. I know you want to believe in him."
"I do believe in him!"
"Rory," Lorelai says sadly and Rory yearns to blindly run away, out of the house, of the town and away from everyone's judgements of Jess. If she tells Lorelai he can do more, she'll want to know how. And Rory doesn't have an answer. She'll simply be told it's her youth assuring her, nothing more.
"I'm going to back to school," Rory says with a sniffle, hearing her mother sigh in relief. "Jess wanted that...you should know that."
"I did," Lorelai says softly. "There's something we both agree on, at least."
Rory can't smile but she does manage a watery giggle as Lorelai adds, "Now I can call Paris back and let her know she doesn't need to form some kind of rescue mission, as she called it. I got a somewhat disturbing phonecall from her a few ago."
"I bet," Rory says, wiping her eyes. Lorelai smiles at her.
"Angel, you're going to have so much in your life. What I'm saying, is that you can put this behind you - this whole summer, that pregnancy scare, this mistake. You can learn from it."
She doesn't want to put it behind her, Rory wants to say. Jess is so much more than Lorelai's saying, but how can she promise it? Rory has no idea where Jess is going to go, what he's going to do, and right now everything hurts so much that going with him does feel like a mistake. It's too soon to know if she regrets it. Rory feels herself starting to cry again and Lorelai kisses her cheek.
"You'll meet some great guy," she promises. "Someone better."
Rory has already met him, she thinks tearfully. She can't imagine being with anyone else, loving anyone else. Her body already feels lonely and Rory can't imagine waking up with another person's warmth wrapped around her. She doesn't want to. If loving someone hurts this much Rory never wants to love anyone again.
"What do you say to a whole day of watching the dumbest, cheesiest movies ever?" Lorelai says, and Rory blinks, thankful not having to voice her thoughts.
She remembers when Dean broke up with her, back when she was sixteen, and how wallowing had helped her then. It's not helping now, and Rory wishes she could be that young again, let her mother take all her pain. Still, an afternoon of movies is preferable to allowing the ache to hold her all day.
"That sounds good," Rory says sincerely. She sniffles as her mother starts listing choices, sounding happy to be discussing something light, but the two are distracted by the phone. It's something to do with the Dragonfly and Rory is relieved when her mother takes the call onto the porch. Eating the last poptart left on the plate, Rory lets her mind wander to Jess, to New York. She'd be getting ready for her shift, and Rory sits up, dropping the poptart. Hastily, she grabs her cellphone and calls the cafe. Maya answers on the first ring.
"What do you want?" she asks briskly and Rory shrinks back, wondering if she's already mad, before Maya adds angrily, "Are you trying to give me an order? I keep telling you slobs we don't do delivery, you've got to come here if you want something!"
"Maya," Rory says, taking a deep breath, "It's Rory. Rory Gilmore."
"Kiddo, I don't know any other Rorys and I forgot your last name the second after you told me anyway. What's up?"
"I can't come in."
"You sick or something?"
"No - I can't come in again ever," Rory says, sensing the burning tears again. "I left - I moved back home. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, it all just kind of happened, and I can't make my shift."
There's a startled pause and then a bark of laughter. Rory frowns into the phone.
"No kidding," Maya says. "I'm proud of you, kid."
"You are?"
"Kind of pissed that you've left me short-staffed but I never figured you for a lifer, and a good thing you're not. This place wasn't good for you. That first day, when you asked me for a soda or something, I wanted to tell you that, when you said you needed a job."
"You remember meeting me?" Rory is oddly touched and Maya snorts down the line.
"I've had a few wide-eyed kids come in, and you were the first in a while. You looked like that kid cartoon, the one where the deer gets a helping of bullets?"
"That's his mom."
"Whatever - you were like the kid deer."
"Bambi?"
"Yeah, Bambi. And honestly, I thought you'd be the one to get slaughtered - not, like, literally - you know what I mean. But I was kind of surprised, you handled it eventually."
"Thanks," Rory says, unsure if she's insulted or not, and Maya adds, "I never wanted you to stay here, competent or not. You going back to school?"
"Yeah," Rory says quietly. "I'm at my mom's now."
"Good," Maya says gently. "It was good knowing you, kid. Look after yourself."
"Thanks for giving me a chance," Rory says. "I know I sucked at first."
Maya laughs at that and says, "You did, but you weren't so bad in the end. You'll be okay, Rory."
"Thanks," Rory says, smiling into the phone. "Bye, Maya."
"Bye."
The call ends with a loud click and Rory holds onto it for a moment. She doesn't think she'll ever see Maya again and the thought makes her sad. Maya would tell her to get over herself. Maybe someday, if she's ever in New York, Rory can drop in to see her, but she can't imagine it - wanting to go back to the city, back to the neighbourhood. And it would be weird if she did. Shaking herself, Rory puts the phone down and goes to the bathroom, a glance outside showing Lorelai still arguing on the phone. Shutting the door, Rory sits on the toilet and gasps in surprise. There is blood in her underwear. Her period has finally made an appearance, a day too late. Rory doesn't try to stop the tears which start down her cheeks. If it had come before she'd noticed she was late, this wouldn't have happened - she'd still be in New York, happy, Jess making coffee for them and joking that he may as well just pour water in the bag. Everything would be okay. The scare, their fight and her leaving would be erased and they'd be happy. Still, Rory knows miserably, it was more than this. If she hadn't had the scare something else would've split them. It's not like they could have stayed in that apartment forever and fresh tears join the spilled ones as Rory remembers Jess turning down her plan, her desperate way for them to stay together. She can't tell Lorelai that. If she says Jess wasn't worth it, it'll hurt even more. Rory doesn't know which is worse, her mother being so staunch or Jess having no faith in himself. Angrily, she blinks away the tears, changes her underwear and forcefully scrubs at her hands.
For a wild moment, Rory wishes she'd been pregnant after all. At least that would bind them. But even as she thinks it, Rory knows that's crazy. She wouldn't even have stayed pregnant and besides, a baby is no guarantee. She and Jess couldn't have been parents but all the same Rory sobs, staring at her reflection. She would have had part of Jess, even for a moment, and her period is a reminder that he's gone, her body has sloughed off all him, it's over in every way and Rory cries and cries.
"Rory?"
"In here!" Rory manages to call, turning the taps harder so the water drowns her tears. "I'm coming!"
Rory splashes water over her face and takes a deep breath, checking that all evidence of crying has disappeared before going out.
"You okay?" Lorelai asks and Rory nods, managing to smile.
"Everything okay at the inn?"
"Fine - some stupid meltdown over linen."
"Oh."
"Yeah. Hey, Mom called after Michel and I answered before I saw who was calling. I swear Emily has a sixth sense - we've barely spoken all summer and now she calls. Mom kind of got it out of me that you were back."
Rory bites her lip and Lorelai adds, "She's happy you're home and you're going back to school. Mom want us to come over, but I managed to hold her off until Friday. Tradition, right?"
"Tradition," Rory agrees, not allowing her voice to wobble. Her mother looks at her kindly, putting her hands on her shoulders.
"Hey," Lorelai says. "It's going to be okay, I swear. This year can be a complete fresh start. That sounds good, right?"
"I guess," Rory says and Lorelai nods, satisfied.
"It'll be good for you. Come on - let's go start a movie and order more food. That's the real tradition we should stick to and we've got a whole summer of movies to make up for."
Rory smiles, following her mother into the living room and feeling dazed. Traditions and changes swim in front of her, leaving Rory lost. Where is she supposed to start over from, she silently ponders. Rory takes a deep breath, exhaling as she imagines an impossible fresh start. She has to move on and Rory walks uncertainly, unable to write her next chapter.