Thanks for the feedback! I might be updating more sporadically as I am moving overseas!
Rory gets home sooner than expected. Throwing her keys on the counter, Rory puts on a pot of coffee, grateful to be alone. Paris is out and Rory closes her eyes, relishing the silence. She could call Logan, ask if he wants to meet a little earlier, but Rory doesn't want to. It's good having some time to think. She feels strange after seeing Jess, a little shaken, and Rory focuses on making the coffee in an attempt to dispel it.
After she'd come back everyone rushed to tell Rory how she'd made the right choice in leaving. That she wasn't to be blamed for going with her boyfriend (what's a woman to do? Babette had memorably exclaimed) but it was a mistake, and now Rory was home, she could move on from it. Jess was never going to go beyond New York but Rory was back in Yale, back on track and could put the whole thing behind her. It upset Rory to hear it talked about that way, and she longed to tell her mother, grandparents and the town that Jess was more than what they were saying, that she'd had something real, but she couldn't. What did she know? It had all fallen apart, it had all been for nothing in the end, so Rory didn't say anything. She let them decide what it was. She allowed her mother to pay for the car to be repaired, she threw herself back into Yale life, moved in with Paris and talked about her summer as little as possible. Rory had the future to think about. She caught sight of the cute blonde guy in the newspaper office and, despite silently deciding she was done with dating, Rory couldn't deny being attracted. She learnt more about Logan and went along to his secret society event, even wearing the beautiful blue dress Logan gave her for the 'integrity of the event'. Rory had paused, putting it on, but it really was stunning. So what if the whole thing was lavish and extravagant? When Logan encouraged her to take part in the stunt with him and jump, Rory almost declined. She knew what Jess would think and say about this kind of event - it was the kind of thing she thought, or used to think. The stunt was stupid and dangerous and the entire event was just proof of rich people wanting to be dumb and pretentious. Rory didn't want to think about what the entire thing cost - probably five times as much as what she and Jess had had combined - and then her thoughts were interrupted by Logan calling her sheltered. Rory was so shocked she forgot the rest. Sheltered? Part of her wanted to tell him how she'd lived, what her world had been, but it stung. Rory was tired of being seen as either a kid from Stars Hollow or the girl who'd run away with a guy, and she wanted to be someone else for a change. She'd jump.
At the top of the scaffold, Rory almost changed her mind. Staring down from the dizzying height, Logan's voice in her ear, Rory felt that she was looking at herself. For one clear, silver second she knew she could climb down. Two paths were before her and Rory didn't know which one to take. All she knew was that she wanted something new, something different and suddenly she was holding Logan Huntzberger's hand and jumping. And not long after that she was sleeping with him, and then they found themselves in a relationship. This was new for him too, he said, but he didn't seem unsure as she'd been about being casual. He liked her uncertainty, it appeared at times. After their first time together they lay tangled in the sheets, Rory's head on his chest. "Hey," he asked, "am I your first?" Rory had looked up and blurted out, "What? No!" She'd shifted away, mortified, and Logan had quickly said, "You just seemed shy - that's all."
"You weren't my first," Rory had told him. Logan waited but Rory didn't say anything else. She'd gone to the bathroom instead and cried silently, running the faucets so he wouldn't hear the catch in her breath. She thought she wanted to be with someone else but now that it happened it had simply opened up the hurt in her heart. Rory splashed water over her eyes, taking deep breaths, determined not to let this spoil the night and when she came back Logan didn't ask and she didn't tell. Rory fell into an uneasy sleep and Logan was gone the next morning, buying her a big cup of coffee the following afternoon so she wouldn't be annoyed. Rory pretended that she wasn't, to him and to her. That seems to be their pattern. Still, once they'd agreed to try a relationship Rory relaxed and whenever Lorelai asked she insisted that she was very happy. She thought she was. At the start of summer, Logan's father asked Rory to work for him and she thought she was doing a good job, until the terrible afternoon where he told her she didn't have it. Rory was struck dumb. It hurt and hurt and then she got angry. She did have to it - she has to have it, Rory thought, because she doesn't know what else she's going to do. I think you're wrong, she'd said, in a quiet, wobbling voice and Mitchum had chuckled. My gut's right about these things. Rory ignored that and agreed to finish up the week. And even though Logan had gotten seriously angry and Lorelai had promised he didn't know what he was talking about, Rory can't help believing him a little and that hurts the most. She's starting to wonder where her ambitions started and if she can ever realise them at all.
Rory finishes her cup of coffee. It's almost time to meet Logan and she sighs inwardly, already tired at the thought of seeing him. She won't tell Logan about seeing Jess - what would be the point? He'd only get angry and jealous. He shouldn't be, Rory's moved on, yet it's disconcerting seeing Jess again. For years, Rory consoled herself with what everyone else had said - that she had this great future ahead of her. Jess couldn't figure anything out and yet here he is, running a business and writing books and living in Philadelphia. He seems content. Rory is in Yale, seeing someone new, but lately she's felt agitated, out of step with herself. Rory wanted to try something new, date someone different, but now she's not so sure if she's the one who succeeded. Seeing Jess has strum up feelings Rory had thought she'd forgotten. She's proud of him but it's more than just that. She never talks about Jess with Logan and he has only asked about him once, not wishing to learn about Rory's life in New York. Sometime after they got together, Logan had asked out of the blue, "So who was your first?"
"What?" They'd been walking together on campus and had just got into Rory's room, the cool fall air still on Rory's cheeks. She took off her jacket as Logan asked again, "Who was your first boyfriend - the guy you slept with? I'm assuming there's only one."
Rory hated that he'd guessed right but had said simply, "Yeah, just one. I dated this guy back in Stars Hollow."
"Your high school sweetheart?"
"Yes, but he was from New York, and that's where we lived over summer...I went away with him and lived in his apartment for a few months."
"I'm impressed, Ace," Logan said, sounding genuinely surprised. "Didn't figure it'd be in you."
"That what would be in me?"
"Forget it," Logan said. "Tell me more about the guy, I'm curious."
Rory was more curious about what he meant, but instead told him about Jess, painting a very sparse picture. Logan didn't seem intrigued to hear more and onetime, when the Distillers were on the radio and Rory mentioned the concert she and Jess attended, Logan got annoyed and changed the subject. He certainly isn't thrilled that he's back in town.
On cue, Rory's cellphone rings and after answering Logan says cheerfully, "Hey, Ace. We still good to go later?"
"Yes," Rory says, trying to sound upbeat. They haven't mentioned their fight after Jess showed up nor talked about him since. "Where do you want to go for drinks? There's a great little place a few blocks down I'd like to try."
"Something wrong with The Rich Man's Shoe?"
"No - I just thought it might be fun to try somewhere different."
"I'm good," Logan says firmly. "See you in twenty."
Rory brushes her hair, changing her shirt and freshening her makeup. She checks herself in the mirror, feeling a little dolled up. When she started hanging out with Logan Rory guesses she got a little preppier and remembers one day, getting ready, and wishing she could just wear jeans and a T-shirt. Suddenly, her old clothes seemed embarrassing and for a moment Rory had hesitated, remembering what she and Jess had always said about those guys, that world, but she decided she didn't care. She wanted to be in Logan's world. She wanted to be a new version of herself.
After seeing Logan at the bar, Rory is willing to let him do the talking. Her boyfriend swigs some beer, angrily telling Rory about his father and school forcing responsibility on him and Rory tries to nod in the right places. She's heard this speech a hundred times although can't remember it bothering her before. We used to make fun of guys like this. Rory concentrates on drinking her sidecar before Logan repeats her name.
"Huh?" Rory blinks and Logan laughs.
"You were a million miles away, Ace."
"Oh - sorry."
"I was just saying we could grab dinner after your grandmother's thing tomorrow night."
"About that," Rory says, putting her drink down, "could we maybe miss it? It's just for the DAR...I'm not that desperate to go."
"I thought you liked those parties."
"I'm just not in the mood."
"It'll get my father off my back," Logan says, shaking his head. "Let's go. We'll sneak out early, okay Ace?"
"Okay," Rory says quietly and when it comes to the following night, wearing the dress her grandmother picked out with Logan at her side, Rory wonders what Jess would think of all this. He'd be unimpressed, she thinks. They'd make fun of it together but would have to give the musicians props - what is it they're playing? Bali-something - balalaikas. Rory smiles, sipping some wine as Emily gushes about the next event she has planned. Rory tries to seem interested but gradually tunes it out, jumping as Logan cups her waist.
"Hey," he whispers. "Want to get out of here?"
"Sure," Rory says. They've barely been here an hour but Shira's seen Logan so their job is done. Rory's played her part of the dutiful girlfriend and she puts her glass down, suddenly sickened. Logan doesn't notice. Rory watches as he glibly goes around the room, making an excuse to the guests and remembers being so charmed at him at her grandparents' vow renewal, convincing him to be with her there, convincing herself that it was something she wanted. Logan seemed impressed, despite their getting caught, yet he still seemed unsure, asking if she positive if she wanted to do this. Rory did. It was time to be fun and let loose. She could be that kind of girl, she could be as spontaneous as Lorelai ever was. Distracted by Logan saying goodbye to Emily, Rory follows him out, the cold air making her catch her breath. She buttons her jacket hastily, the material catching on the stupid pink dress. She should have just worn something else.
"Let's go," Logan says impatiently, grabbing Rory's hand and as she hurries with him Rory remembers the night she and Jess met. He asked her to bail and she refused, yet it hadn't changed his mind, Rory thinks. He'd never thought she was sheltered or uncool - still, they were kids, she supposes. Isn't it different now? What would Logan think, if he saw her back then? He probably wouldn't have noticed her. Logan drops her hand, getting the keys for his Porsche and Rory tips her head back, feeling the cold starry air on her face. She can still remember her surprised laughter after Jess made his suggestion to bail. What would she say now? She'd say yes, Rory thinks. She wants to bail with him.
"Ace," Logan says, making her jump.
"Sorry." Rory quickly gets into the car, closing the door and jumps when Logan asks, "Did you have fun?" before realising he means Emily's event.
"It was fine," Rory says briefly, giving Logan a small smile.
"Let's go," Logan grins. "We'll have some real fun."
Rory nods, falling silent until they get to Logan's place. Getting out of the car, Rory glances up at the sky once more, enjoying the glow of the stars. She's glad she met Jess, glad he's around, and glad he still seems to see her. Logan knows the kind of girl Rory wanted to be but now the ground has shifted. She told him to live in the moment, wanting to know what it was like, but with Jess she didn't have to know. Rory was always sure.