The Diego Diaries: Vacay 6 (dd6 577)
=0=On a ship going that a way
He rushed in, then slid to a halt, plastering a gigantic smile on his astonishingly handsome face as he paused long enough to wave to everyone there and begin the denaturing process of whatever was happening. Even a tiny Autobrand on his cheek and almost luminously comical red hair couldn't detract from his looks in this gear nor the purpose of his appearance here but it would take a moment for him to see that no one was really paying attention to him. "Oh, hai," he said with as much flair as he could given the circumstances which included a lot of screaming and clawing at the windows to get outside.
Into vacuum.
It was perplexing for about a nanosecond.
Then he saw the acid monster.
"WHAT THE FRAG!?"
Before Ratchet could draw a gun that he didn't have in a subspace that he couldn't access yet, he began to run with everyone else. Drift who was standing on a couch having a belly laugh watched the punters as the monster stalked the humans and Ratchet. Backed into a corner, the humans huddled behind Ratchet, pushing him forward ahead of them.
The fraggers.
The monster stalked them, dripping acid which if everyone had taken a moment to look wasn't burning holes through the floor, his talons grasping as his inner mouth slid in and out just oozing The Ugly. A nearly prehensile tail swung menacingly, giving everyone there the birds eye view of a mouse just before he died badly at the hands of your house cat. When he gathered himself up to leap in the air, Ratchet in a fit of astonished fear and fury ran forward and hit the beast on the chin with his human fist.
The beast staggered back, Ratchet looked at his hand that felt busted and pulsed with pain, then bellowed ... "MOTHER FUCKER!"
At that point, Springer assumed his human features, then fell on the floor. He lay there a moment watching the birdies sing while Ratchet hopped around the room shaking his hand.
A few moments later ...
The humans sat on their chairs and couches with wary eyes as Ratchet and Springer compared bruises. "Frag you, Springer. Your famous glass jaw doesn't extend that closely to this fragged format," he said as he examined Springer's face.
"I'm going to kick Wheeljack's aft. Why does he make these real down to PAIN SENSATIONS!?" Springer asked as he rubbed his jaw gently.
"I'll ask him after I stomp his helm into the ground myself," Ratchet said as he rubbed his wrist.
Drift was sitting nearby enjoying himself IMMENSELY as the two glanced at the humans, then him. Springer walked over to sit down by Drift, frowning at him slightly. "Thanks for the help, fragger."
"Don't mention it. I'm surprised but somehow delighted at your choice of forms there, Chief. I do remember a couple of times you were in the Never Try This Again Upon Pain of Death Camp," Drift said as he squeezed Springer's thigh.
:Watch The Sexy there, hoss. Might make them cry: Springer said with a grin. Then he glanced at Ratchet. "Hi, Dad. You here to save the day?" Springer asked with a big smile as Ratchet walked over to sit between the two of them.
"I am, fragger," Ratchet said as he snuggled down between the big men. "My, isn't this cozy."
"You'd think so," Johnson said with a slightly disgusted smirk.
"Well, you know us *fags* ..." Drift said as he smirked back. "Johnson here or as we now call him … *DICK* wants to be a permanent exile from Mars."
"That can be arranged. Where's a note pad. I'll write the order myself," Ratchet said as he smiled brilliantly at the slowly simmering slagger sitting across from him.
"Don't hurry on our accounts," Sam Hedges said as he shot a warning expression at Johnson.
"So … you made the rounds of teevee emoting your story to anyone who had a microphone," Ratchet said. "How was that? Offering your deep insight into us and how we function … that's mighty psychic of you given that you aren't allowed out of your cage very often and only in the most supervised manner. You might hurt yourself otherwise on someone's fist."
"I tell it like it is," Johnson said coldly. "You'd be surprised how many humans there are that would like you gone."
"I would," Drift said. "All of the polls I've seen say otherwise. But don't let a lack of facts slow you down, bro. It never has before."
"I'm not your bro," Johnson said with an edge.
Drift frowned, then glanced at Ratchet. "Do you have something to tell me, Ma, or did I get my wires crossed?" He glanced at the mercs. "See what I did there?"
The soldiers snickered and a few of the mercs grinned slightly.
Johnson leaned forward in his chair. "You're a fucked up weirdo and no one I'd ever want around me."
"I'm a Bugatti in my alt format, tough guy," Drift said with a slight smirk. "Tell me you wouldn't want to ride around in that."
"I would," Springer said with a smirk as the entire room laughed but Johnson. Even the mercs thought it was funny.
"I bet you do," Johnson inevitably replied.
"Oh my," Ratchet said as he batted his eyes. "Talking The Sexy around your old ma. I feel the vapors coming on." He grinned, then leaned forward. "Understand something, Mr. Penis, you're on the edge of going home forever. I came here to see if there was anyway for you to not commit deportation and exile by stupid. We do want our foreign workers to have a chance to hang around through the difficult period of adjustment where you find out that humans are just a tiny, itsy, bitsy, eeny, teeny part of a very insignificant solar system in a very massive and very spectacular galaxy. So ..."
Johnson leaned forward to meet Ratchet's eyes. "Fuck you, weirdo."
Ratchet leaned back, then laughed loudly. "DON'T TELL IRONHIDE, BOYS! We already have one murder here among the humans. No sense making it two." He grinned. "Is that all you got? Really?"
"I don't answer to you. I don't have to make nice with you. I work for Earth2 and the leadership there. I don't have to take your shit and there's nothing you can do about it," Johnson said.
"Well, we do own the lease … and the entire place," Ratchet answered with a smile.
"Jim … we're almost there," Sam Hedges said. "Let's all just sit and get there."
"Says the guy who wants us gone," Springer said. "Let's humor you. If we go, our cities stay. I suppose you'd just slide in."
"Finders keepers, losers weepers," Johnson said with a smirk.
"We're not going anywhere. If you want to go some place yourself then build the tech yourself, tough guy. Why should we take you anywhere but the edge of Sagittarius A?" Springer said. "Look it up."
"That's the black hole in the center of the galaxy," Sam Hedges said.
"Hm, someone has a measurable IQ in this room besides me," Ratchet said with a giant smile.
"Speak for yourself," Corey McFarlane said with a grin. The soldiers were enjoying themselves greatly.
"Why, I just did, infant," Ratchet said as he batted his eyes. "We have to go tie one on in Vegas. Prowl and I are going. Come with."
Corey laughed. "You're on. Just let us know when you're going. We can be your tour guides, Jase and me."
"Do you know Vegas?" Springer asked with a grin.
"No," Corey said as Jase nodded in agreement.
Snickers were had around the room including from a couple of the mercs. One of them, Carlos Ortega glanced at Ratchet. "I know that town. I used to go to see my grandparents there in the summers."
"What goes on there, stays there. It's sort of my go-to bender town," Ratchet said with a big grin. "Springer and Drift have to come with and keep us out of the jail house."
"Oh, joy," Springer said.
"Its not hard to get arrested there," Carlos said. "Not even as hard as here."
"Only assholes get arrested here. This place is easy," Corey said.
"Are you calling me an asshole?" Johnson asked.
"If the shoe fits ..." Corey said.
Johnson rose slowly, clenching his fists. Sam stood and turned to him. "No. They're egging you on. You get arrested one more time you're banned forever."
"I don't care," Johnson said as he glared at McFarlane.
"I do. We don't need the publicity," Sam said quietly. "Sit. We're almost there."
Johnson stared at McFarlane, then slowly sat. Hedges sat as well. It was silent a moment.
"Damn," Springer said. "He figured out our plan. Here I was thinking it was so intricate that they'd need Teletraan to cipher it out."
Half the mercs grinned while the other half glared.
Drift grinned. "We need a new plan, Ada."
Ratchet considered that with exaggerated emoting, then began to muse out loud. "Let me see … how about you and Drift hide behind the jetway when they come through and trip half of them. I can pick the pockets of the other half and mix up their papers for the port. Then we can have a Wrecker unit hide behind the first and third columns of the airport concourse to do deep recon on the sit-rep."
"I don't know, Ada … they're not the most subtle mechs around," Springer said doubtfully.
"Then what about Jazz and Mirage?" Ratchet asked.
"This is their afternoon to frag," Drift said. "They booked electrical closet #14 in Architect Corridor. I saw it on the charts."
"Okay. How about Partition and Orion? Both of them stealth pretty well," Ratchet suggested.
"I don't know about that. Partition is pretty heavy footed. He might give the duo away," Drift said with a grin.
Everyone grinned but the mercs, half of whom didn't know who anyone was. They just knew they were being mocked but didn't want to be deported so they kept silent and fumed.
"Okay. Praxus and Orion," Ratchet suggested.
"Done deal," Springer said. "They can come live at our place to debrief afterward. It might take a vorn or two to get all the details that are needed. Just saying."
"Done deal," Ratchet said with a smile. "Just let old Dad know."
"You fuckers think you're funny," Johnson said as he leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest. "Keep going."
"We can do this all day," Ratchet said with a grin. "How long are you fraggers going to be a minor irritant around here? Eight billion people want to come here and do this and your fraggers are the biggest bunch of ungrateful babies I've seen since Megatron. Even Decepticons have more class and decency."
"We just want to get there, to Mars," Sam Hedges said tensely.
Silo walked into the room at that moment. He glanced at everyone noting the bad energy nervously. "Um, Ambassador … we're coming in to re-entry orbit. If everyone can gather their loose things and be ready to disembark, then immigration can be faster and easier."
"We're on it, Silo," Ratchet said with a smile. "Thank you."
He nodded as he looked at the humans staring at him. "My pleasure," he said, then hurried away to his station at the other end of the vast ship.
Ratchet glanced at the mercs. "Get your slag together. As for the rest of you, just sit back and admire my great beauty. Everyone does." He smiled brilliantly.
Huge laughter greeted that as the mercs walked to an overhead series of cupboards nearby to retrieve their stuff. Outside the windows as the ship slid into a level two orbit most commercial vessels on the regular schedule assumed when returning, the reddish world of Mars beckoned. The glittering sight of the colony could be seen from orbit as they kept an even speed with the planet to achieve a parking orbit.
The mercs walked back and set their gear at their feet as Corey and Jase began to get that of their families. Drift and Springer walked over to help and by the time they were sitting again, the ship was going down to land. The room was silent as everyone stared at each other. The touchdown was faintly felt as the ship taxied with surprising speed toward its place of final destination. Since there were passengers, it rolled to the terminal that serviced humans and other organics with a need for controlled conditions and powered down. A jetway slid out and began to attach to the vessel.
As it did Ratchet stood. "Please stay seated until the no smoking signs are turned off. Put your trays in the upright locked position and refrain from fragging until the vessel signals your departure," he said as the soldiers and his boys snickered. Some of the mercs did as well.
Ratchet walked to the corridor that would lead out and turned to them with a giant smile. "Please check your overheads for anything that you might have overlooked because anything left behind will be passed around and laughed over at the next general staff meeting. We thank you for flying Autobot Air and hope that you pick another carrier next time, you half wit fraggers, you." He smiled. "Follow me." At that, he swished down the corridor to Silo who would facilitate their disembarkation.
The soldiers laughed as some of the mercs smirked. Drift and Springer followed after Ratchet with grins. "Old Ma sure knows how to clear a room," Springer said.
Drift nodded. "Can't wait to tell old Pa."
They snickered as the soldiers, then mercs, some of them stony-faced followed. They walked down a long corridor, then reached the station where Silo worked. Two women and five solemn kids waited, then with their fathers' help gearing up, all of them walked to the jetway behind Ratchet. The entire group walked out, the mercs last. They were held up at the door to enter the vast concourse by Ratchet. Everyone ahead turned around to watch.
Walking up to Ratchet, Kilty and Siever, two big airport cargo handling mechs who managed difficult transfers like this one was turning out to become waited for the word. Ratchet had called them to come and assist the mercs through customs. Most of the immigration team at this port of entry who handled the human passengers were femmes, some of them with very little experience with humans while others had scads.
All of them were trained to handle their transfers with delicacy but only a few were allowed to handle dangerous or difficult individuals given the possibility of injury to both sides. There were two per shift at every port in the colony and Cybertron. Though many working at ports and airports were Home Guard themselves, most of them weren't experienced soldiers. These mechs who were, formerly, were given any problems of any kind when they arose.
They arose now.
The mercs slowed, then stopped before Ratchet. "What's this?" Sam Hedges asked.
"This is Siever and Kilty. They handle fraggers and other riffraff. All you have to do is what they tell you the way they tell you. Keep your trap shut and follow directions or they have full discretion to arrest you. Given your behavior on the ship in front of femmes and kids, I think a run through immigration … the full treatment is in order. You're here as a privilege. When you abuse that privilege there's consequences. Welcome to consequences. If you want to go past this port of entry, its in your paws, boys." He glanced at the two mechs. "They're yours."
Kilty and Siever nodded. They looked at the six mercs. "I want your data, then walk to the scanners over there," Kilty said as he nodded to a set of big scanners that all newcomers went through the first time.
"So you're going to harass us?" Johnson asked with outrage.
"This is the alternative to jail. Either way, I'm entertained," Ratchet said.
It was deeply silent, then Hedges pulled his data card, the one they slotted into the input jack at the desk nearby to let the system know they were 'temporary permanent workers-off world immigrant' allowed entrance. Kilty took them, then the mercs hauled their stuff up and walked to the scanners, some of them with deep outrage on their faces.
"Put your gear here," Siever said as he nodded to a cart being pushed over by a femme named D-D, a specialist in finding hidden contraband. A young mech and another femme, part of her team stood nearby watching the show. This was a new experience for them all around.
The mercs stared upward at the two, then the little femme standing by a cart. "Why?" Johnson asked.
"Because," Kilty said.
It was silent a moment, then they complied with ill grace. When the gear was loaded, D-D began to pull the cart toward an area where it would be searched by her and her team.
"WHAT THE HELL! THIS IS HARASSMENT!" Johnson said as he turned on Ratchet. "You're harassing us."
"Actually, we're following the rules. Anyone who acts up on a transport we operate has to submit to extra scrutiny or they get turned back. Which is it, Johnson?" Ratchet asked as he hoisted himself to sit on a barrier wall next to the scanners which helped funnel individuals toward it. "You started this. How are you going to finish it?"
Johnson glared at him, then stepped closer. "How about you and me settle this sometime? You and me in a ring, you in this sack you're wearing and me."
"Done deal," Ratchet said. "Go through the scanner."
"And the fight?" he asked belligerently.
"Have your people call mine. I'm in the book, slagger," Ratchet said.
Johnson nodded. "Done deal, fucker." Then he walked to the scanner to be scrutinized.
It would take two joors for D-D and her crew to hand back their gear. It only took five minutes to actually look through it but an hour and fifty-five to trade slag with Ratchet and the boys before clearing a seething group of human men to the customs desk to be allowed into the colony through the Port of Mars-Autobot City Municipal and Interplanetary Airport, a process that usually took minutes but would take forty-five today.
By the time they were collected by Earth2, they were seething with rage, ready to fight and it would be dark. Only then would Ratchet and the boys derez and walk out to go their merry ways.
Corey, Jase and their families would be home hours earlier.
=0=TBC 1-23-19 edited 1-25-19