After our train ride, I decide to take Louise and Judy to mine and Richard's house rather than Norman's. I feel like it would be easier to explain.
To her knowledge, Richard is missing and I quit my job at the institution because I can't handle my 'grief'. If only she knew.
When our cab pulls up, her eyes widen. "Jo, this place really is huge!"
I blush. "Thanks. It makes for a good home, even though it gets lonely sometimes." She looks at me sympathetically, grabbing Judy and propping her on her hip while I grab their bags. As we walk up to the front door I realize I have absolutely no clue where the house key is. I tell her to wait while I walk to the backyard. "Why?" She asks.
"I, uh, need to pick up some dirty laundry through the house. I'll let you in." I say. The backyard of the house is slanted down to our basement. We didn't go down to the basement much other than to store some excess things that had no place in the main part of our home. My eyes survey this part of the house and I notice a window. I walk over to it and start kicking until I am able to bust the glass. The window is about my size so I lean down, kicking out any excess glass, and climb down into the basement.
All sorts of memories come flooding over me as I notice some of the things we had stored down here. Like our large photo of ourselves that was to be hung over the mantle. I look over it several times. Richard is standing behind me with his chin resting on top of my head, his arms around my waist. My hands are on top of his, showing off my beautiful engagement ring. We're both smiling, but his eyes still have the same icy look as they always did.
I never did know how much he spent on that ring. He wouldn't tell me since one of the things I worried about most was money. He never understood why, having grown up in a house that was worry free with money.
I make my way up the stairs and let Louise in. "It's about time!" She exclaims. I half laugh, stepping aside to let her in. "Is there somewhere I can put Judy for the night?" I nod. "Yeah, upstairs. There are three bedrooms, just pick one for you guys." She starts up the stairs and I'd be damned if she didn't walk right into the room Norman stayed in. "Is this one ok?" I give her a thumbs up. She comes back in and walks into the living room, the place I've dreaded going to.
Hesitating, I walk into the kitchen to grab a bottle of wine. God only knows I'll need to be half drunk to survive my first night back in this house. Somehow all of our food is still good. I guess I wasn't gone as long as I thought.
I quickly fix a small platter of cheese, crackers, and grapes but slowly walk into the living room. Every emotion I felt that night comes back to me and I feel my stomach churning. My sister is speaking to me, but I can't hear her over my heart thumping. She gives me a concerned look.
You know that feeling when you're reaching the top of a scary rollercoaster? Sweaty palms, turning stomach, chilled spine, all of that? That's what I feel. For a second I think I can overcome it until I glance at the couch and notice a little speck of dried blood in the interior. I widen my eyes and run to the bathroom, vomiting up my guts and sobbing along with it. Louise is right behind me, tying my hair back. "Jo don't worry, he'll come back! Maybe he just needed some time away!"
I wish I could tell her. I wish I could tell anyone other than Norman.
Why did I get myself into this? I ruined my life, I ruined Norman's life, and I ended Richard's life. Why, just why couldn't I have continued staying home? He tried to persuade me to just stay home and let him bring in the money. I just had to be defiant. I wish things would just go back to how they were. I may have hated Richard, but I loved him. There are a few things about him that I do miss. Like how he would wrap his big strong arm around me at night. It made me feel safe from the dangers of the world, and the dangers of my past.
He tried to understand, he really did. He tried to understand why the past I had affected me so much. He just couldn't. If I had grown up in a wealthy sheltered household I'm sure I'd be the same way. I tried my best to fit in with his lifestyle when we began dating. It was too much. He didn't understand why my mother was always working, and I didn't understand why his mother changed clothes to eat dinner. I guess some things aren't meant to be.
Louise pulls me out of my thoughts. "C'mon Jo, let's get you to bed. It'll be ok. They'll find him."
I look up at her. "I'm starting to lose hope."
*****
I get changed into my sleep clothes, since I had left about half of my wardrobe here. There is the large bed that hasn't been slept in in months. I pull the covers back and once again tears prick my eyes. Normally he probably wouldn't be here anyway. He'd be at the office, or out drinking, or with his apparent secret lover. This bed was usually all to me. I just don't know why I'm so emotional lately.
Everything makes me cry and vomit.
Crawling up into the large bed, I feel something under the pillow. I lift it up and lying under it is one of Richard's t-shirts. I forgot. He would lay a clean shirt under his pillow every morning so he could put it on that night to sleep in, and then wear it to work under his button up. I never understood it, it was just what he did. The soft cotton caresses my fingers as I bring the shirt to my nose, inhaling his scent. I slip the shirt over my body and wrap my arm around his pillow. Just as I start to drift off to sleep, I begin dreaming.
-"Jo, do you want to have children someday?" Richard asks. I nod, smiling at him as he brings me to his chest, rubbing my back. I look up at him, bringing his lips down to mine. Suddenly he grabs my shoulders, pushing me off of him. I furrow my eyebrows as his eyes darken and he grabs my chin. "As my wife, you WILL respect me and you WILL obey me." He brings his arm back, slapping my cheek. I grab my face and whimper. He shoves me back against the wall. He kicks my side. I yell out for help, and my father walks into the room. "You're a worthless whore like your mother!" He shouts, dragging me up and shaking me by my shoulders. I scream out when suddenly the scene shifts and I'm on top of Richard, and it's that night. Except this time he isn't dead. His chest is open but he isn't dead. He smiles at me. "You didn't think you could get rid of me that easily, did you Jo? Why would you treat me like this? Didn't I give you all you wanted?" I scream, backing away from him and I trip as he crawls on top of me, sucking on my neck as his blood pours all over me.-
I awake in a cold sweat with my heart pounding. I glance toward the window and notice it's morning. That dream lasted all night. My whole body is drenched in sweat, and I'm breathing heavily. There's a knock at my door. "You alright?" Louise asks, with Judy on her hip. "Yeah, I'm ok, bad dream." She gives me an odd look. "Listen, you gotta help me get ready so I can go to that hospital place today."
I nod. "Yeah, I will, just give me a few minutes." She glances down, furrowing her eyebrows and I remember I'm still wearing Richard's shirt.
She closes my door and I sigh, flopping back down on the bed.
Hey everyone! Sorry for not updating in forever. I honestly had no inspiration whatsoever and I wasn't happy with anything I was writing. I've also had a lot going on in my personal life since January, but that's a whole other story. Thank you to all those who have reviewed! It means the world to me and MAKES MY DAY! So, let me know what you think of the story! Thank you all for bearing with me through the previous shitty chapters. I'm starting to get that little spark of inspiration again, and I know how I want this story to end. Even though I don't want it to end. I'm also debating on writing a whole chapter about Jolene's past? That might be boring though. :( Anyway, I'll be starting on another chapter to hopefully be updated in a day or two.