Mind Over Murder
At a lake, Peter was fishing with his friends Cleveland and Glenda. While Peter and Cleveland are the ones fishing and Brian drinking a beer, Glenda is laying on the boat with her feet hanging out. She's in a red tank top and wearing daisy dukes, sunglasses, and a hat, has a sun reflector, and her feet are bare with her toenails painted red.
"Oh, man. This is the life." Peter proclaimed, "Hey, hand me one of them Pawtucker Patriots."
Brian hands him a can.
"Guys, guys." Peter said, "I-I want to say a toast to you, Glenda, Cleveland..." He stopped after getting to Brian.
"Brian." Brian reminded Peter.
"Yeah, yeah." Peter hesitated. "If-if you guys were beers, I would drink every one of you. Especially you Glenda." Peter said as he checks her out from the legs up, and then crushed the can. "And I-I wish you were 'cause we're all out."
They all laugh, except Brian, at Peter's joke.
"Oh, that's funny." The smooth-talking Cleveland complimented on Peter's comment, "That's even more hilarious than that joke last night."
Cutaway Gag #1
Peter, Brian, Glenda and Cleveland were at a bar, sitting at a table.
"Okay, so a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar, right?" Peter says telling the joke, "Oh-Oh, wait a second."
Peter then looked to his left to make sure. He found a bunch of Jewish men. Then, he looked to his right and found a bunch of Chinese men.
"Okay, Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar." Peter said going back to the first part of his joke acting as if in the clear, "And there's this naked priest sitting there. And he..." Peter's attention was cut short when he noticed something in front of him, "Oh, sorry, Father."
The others turned to look at who it was. Out of nowhere, they find a naked priest sitting right where Peter was looking.
"No, I've heard 'em all." The priest shrugged it off, almost seemingly flattered.
End
"Oh, look at the time." Cleveland said as he looked down at his watch, "I promised Loretta I was gonna trim the hedges and be tender with her."
"Believe me, Cleveland. O-Our wives need some time off as much as we do." Peter proclaimed, "This is when Lois does all those little things that women like to do."
"Are you sure about that, Peter?" Glenda asked Peter a bit unconvinced, rolling her eyes behind her shades.
Later in the day after coming home from the lake, Peter drives to a soccer game to dropped Chris off which Lois asked him to.
"Thanks for the ride, dad." Chris said to Peter as he got out.
"Alright." Peter responded, "Have fun, Chris."
"Hey, guys." A familiar female voice called out to the two. They looked and saw that it was Glenda, still in her tank top and daisy dukes, and wearing flip-flops this time.
"Glenda, what are you doing here?" Peter said to Glenda.
"Oh, you know, soccer moms." Glenda said and pointed to a few soccer moms next to her, "Heh. Heh. Alright."
"Well, I'd like to hang around." Peter informed Glenda, "But Lois needs me at home."
"I got beer." Glenda tempted Peter as she pulled out a beer from a red cooler. Peter gives a wide-eyed look.
"Boo, Lois!" Peter shouted swining his shirt around him, "Yay, beer!"
Eventually, Peter sobers up as the person sitting next to him starts insulting Chris. That person pushed Peter further after smacking the beer can off his hand, leading Peter to punch the heckler right in the face.
Glenda was shocked at Peter for punching the woman, and finds out that he didn't even know.
"Call an ambulance." A woman suddenly appared next to Peter, "She's going into labor."
"Y-you mean, 'He's going into labor.'" Peter tried to correct the woman calmly, but was now worried.
Then a baby is heard crying.
"Whoops." Peter acknowledged.
Even though Glenda vouched for Peter that he didn't even know the person was even a woman and that she struck first, Peter still got in trouble.
Later, Peter was back at the house with Glenda, Cleveland and Brian in the padio.
"I can't believe I punched a woman." Peter remarked about the incident.
"A pregnant woman." Brian added.
"I just hope she accepts my peace offering." Peter exclaimed, "I send her a little something for the baby."
"What did you give her?" Glenda asked Peter.
Cutaway Gag #2
At the hospital, the woman Peter punched is sitting up in a bed with her newborn baby next to her. She opens Peter's gift and reveals itself to be a jack-in-the-box. The woman then cranks the handle, where the Jack pops out and knocks her out.
End
"Eh, of course, I would've brought it over myself if I wasn't under house arrest." Peter acknowledged.
"Oh, you're just fortunate this is your first offense, Peter." Cleveland said.
"Yeah, no kidding. It could have been a lot worse if the cops knew about those other times I broke the law." Peter remarked.
"Like what?" Glenda asked.
"Well, I was almost caught loitering." Peter said.
Cutaway Gag #3
Peter is standing around a sidewalk whilst swishing his eyes back and forth suspiciously with a wall behind that had a sign reading, "No Loitering."
End
"And there was that time I took a whiz in public." Peter said.
Cutaway Gag #4
Peter was doing exactly as he was in the previous cutaway, standing around. Only he was possibly (read: very likely) peeing in a public pool.
End
"And that time I snuck into Wimbledon." Peter added again.
Cutaway Gag #5
Peter, again, was doing the exact same thing, except now he was just watching the players hitting the ball back and forth.
End
"Heh. Well, me and Cleveland are gonna 'amscray'." Glenda informed Peter.
"W-W-Wait. You guys can't leave me here alone." Peter said.
"Why don't you come with us?" Cleveland suggested.
"Aw, I can't leave the premises." Peter explained to them as he puts down his beer, lifted up his right lega and pulled the pant sleeve away to show the bracelet, "They're monitoring my every move."
Cleveland and Glenda were at the local pool. Glenda is in a red bikini.
They decided to try what Peter did. Then some bubbles came to the surface, Cleveland noticed they came from the front of Glenda.
"Oh, that's nasty." Cleveland acknowledged to the still-smiling Glenda.
That night, Peter built his own bar in his basement, which he christened Ye Old Pube, so his friends can come over so he won't be so bored. At the suggestion of a spectral image of the Pawtucker Patriot, whom Peter insistingly assume was gay. Unfortunately for Lois, he missed their dinner date.
Soon the bar is filled with men, with Peter serving them drinks. His friend Cleveland and Glenda arrive as well. Glenda decided to put on something nice for the boys, wearing a little red dress and red high-heels.
"Okay, okay, okay, guys. I got another one." Peter told his friends as he was getting ready for another joke, "What's the difference between pornography and art?"
"Here it comes." Glenda chuckled.
"A government grant." Peter finished the joke, making the guys and Glenda laugh.
"Oh, Peter, you are in the zone." Cleveland complimented on Peter's streak.
The basement is packed with more people as Peter continues to serve at the bar and Meg was bringing men their drinks.
Glenda was checking out a blonde woman in a red strapless dress who's sitting near a drunk Stewie drawing something on a napkin. His pencil broke, so the woman, who's name is Misty, hands him a Barney pen.
"Finally there's another woman in the bar." Glenda thought, "I'm so gonna hit that."
Then she noticed Lois enters the basement in a pink bathrobe with a matching pink towel wrapped around her head and came down the stairs.
"Well, well, what do we have here." Glenda thought. "I hope she's naked under that robe."
Lois finds Chris at the step.
"Chris, what are you doing here?" Lois asked Chris.
"Sorry, mom." Chris said to Lois, "I'm gonna need to see some ID."
"Chris, go to your room!" Lois ordered Chris as the latter hung his head in shame and walked up the stairs.
"Hello, mother." A drunken Stewie greeted Lois from behind, "Care to partake in one of your oh-so-exhilarating games of peekaboo?"
"Oh, my God! My baby is drunk! Lois exclaimed in horror as she picked up Stewie.
"No, I'm not!" Peter said from behind before realizing who she was referring to, "Oh, him? Yeah, yeah, he's a real lightweight."
"Meg, take Stewie upstairs." Lois ordered Mega nd handed her Stewie.
"'Show me the way to go home.' Everbody!" Stewie sung intoxicated as Meg was taking him back upstairs, "'I'm tired and I want to go to bed' Just the women!"
"Peter, in the 17 years that we've been married, I have NEVER been as angry as I-" Lois expressed in anger when she noticed her piano by a couple of tables, "What is my piano doing down there?!"
"Well, it was supposed to be a clam cake buffet, but, uh..." Peter was explaining until Lois gave him a stern face, "...Uh, never mind."
"That does it, Peter." Lois said, "Either this bar goes or I do!"
"Aw, Lois, I-I haven't even told you the other reason your piano's down here." Peter lied to keep his bar, "I. I, uh... Wanted you to play it. You know, like it was an instrument."
He looked at her and she was still very upset.
"I'm telling you the truth." Peter said, "Right, guys?"
Everyone in the bar agreed.
"Come on!" One of the men got up and said.
"Oh, no, no, I couldn't." Lois said flattered soon after.
"Come on!" Another man insisted.
"Well... maybe one song." Lois agreed.
"Pretend you like it no matter how bad it stinks." Peter warned them.
Lois gave a chuckle and went to the piano and began playing it, then starts singing.
You'll never know
Just how much I love you
Lois then got up and left the piano playing to a nearby man in a white tuxedo.
You'll never know
Just how much I care
Lois then removed the towl that was on her head, revealing her still wet hair as she swished it around a couple of times. This started to get the guys and Glenda's attention, though a jealous Misty gives Lois with a dirty look.
And if I try
I still couldn't hide my love for you
Lois now unstrapped the belt of her robe, then dropped her robe to the floor, revealing her nightgown.
You oughta know for ha...
"Uh. O-Okay, guys. T-Thank you." Peter nervously said during the song trying to get their attention off Lois, "You can stop pretending now."
If there is some other way
To prove that I love you
I swear I don't know
Lois then laid on her stomach in a very sexy pose.
Peter then backs up towards the bar, where Brian was sitting at.
"Something troubling you, Peter?" Brian asked Peter.
"Oh, no. Nothing." Peter answered sarcastically, "Just all my friends are eye-pumping my wife."
You'll never know
If you don't know now
All the men and Glenda cheered and gave a big round of applause when she finished. Peter, however, was not so alright about it.
Gimme, gimme, gimme
Ya know what I cry for
Peter was at the bar, forced to watch his own wife being admired by other men and Glenda. Despite hoping otherwise, everyone returned the next night to watch Lois sing as the bar's own swooner.
You know you got the brand of kisses
That I die for!
"Oh, this takes me back." Cleveland said nostalgically.
"Now that's a chick!" Glenda exclaimed at Lois, but was really doing a guessing game with a doctor showing her random images. "That's a house. That's a fish. That's a bee!"
You know you made me love you
"I love you." Lois said and blew a kiss to her admirers, who gave applause, "Thank you. Thank you. Johnny Muldoon, ladies and gentlmen."
Muldoon takes a bow as Lois was taking a sip of water.
"You know, I was born in a little town called Quahog-" Lois said, but was soon interrupted by one of her fans.
"We love you, Lois!" The fan shouted.
Lois gives a light laugh, "Let me finish the story, fellas. You don't want to be up all night... Or do you?"
"Damn right I do, baby." Glenda muttered, as she bites her bottom lip. She starts putting her hands between her legs to rub them together.
"What now?" Cleveland asked, didn't quite hear what she said as he was paying attention to Lois.
"Nothing!" Glenda answered.
The next night, the basement was packed again with people, mostly of Lois' admirers. Glenda of course returns to see more of Lois, who then performs a song dedicated to Peter. As a fellow woman, Glenda can tell that Lois is upset with Peter about something. Even so, Glenda is loving Lois' sudden fiery passion.
Don't tell me not to fly
I simply gotta
If someone takes a spill
It's me and not you
Don't bring around a cloud
To rain on my parade
After the song, Lois shows everyone a piece of paper that has flown to her feet. It's a drawing of a time machine made by her son Stewie, who for some reason was angry that everyone saw it that he scurried off.
"Bye-bye, Stewie." Lois greeted Stewie, "Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you good night."
"BURN IN HELL!" Stewie sweared at her as he scurried up the stairs.
"Hell?" Lois said to herself, "Hell has fire. But do you know what else?"
She then tore off her dress to reveal a blue top and red short shorts. Glenda is checking out Lois' smooth legs, as Lois starts singing.
It's got fsssss steam heat
I got fsssss steam heat
I got fsssss steam heat
But I need your love to keep away the cool
I got-
"Alright, break it up!" The soccer mom from Chris' game announced as she and the wives suddenly arrived.
"What's going on here?" Lois asked.
"Your little peep show is over!" The soccer mom told her, as she and the other wives walked up on stage to confront Lois, "We're taking back our men!"
"Peep show?" Lois exclaimed in confusion looking down at her outfit, "I just do this for fun. Look, all day long I scrub and cook and take care of my kids and nobody cheers. No one even says thank you. But when the band starts playing and the music's flowing through me, I feel, I don't know, special. I guess you all think that's pretty silly."
"Not at all." The soccer mom responded, shedding a tear.
"You didn't tell us that part!" An orange shirt-wearing woman said, pointing at Peter.
Peter then steps back, hoping to get away.
"Peter!" Lois said, "You're behind all this?"
"Yes and you'll never catch me!" Peter announced, then laughed maniacally as he turned a secret lever activating a turning bookcase, only it went the wrong way and trapped Peter between the wall repeatingly.
"I bet he also didn't tell you he never helps me aorund the house." Lois informed the other wives, "or takes me out to dinner. Or notices when I get my hair done."
The wives agreed with her, including the soccer mom. "My husband's the same way." She said putting her arm on Lois' shoulder.
"So's mine." The wife in the orange shirt replied.
The bar is now filled with both men and their wives. Glenda, however, was leaning on the wall smoking and starting to get bored.
"This place is full of dead pigions." Glenda remarked as she inhales her cigarete, "Hell with this, I'm gonna go grab some ozone." She then flicked her still-lit cigarette into a nearby trashcan and then set the flammable trash inside on fire. Glenda then zooms in close and realizes what she's done, "Uh, hey, hey, Peter! There's a king in the cards!"
Peter was trying to counsel Lois while Glenda tries to put out the fire in the crash can, but everytime she did, the flames only got bigger.
"Run for your lives!" Glenda warned everyone as she then gave up and ran out of the bar. Everyone else followed.
However, Glenda quickly hid by the side of the basement door and randomly grabs a man to make out with, as near-death gave her a such a rush. Unfortunately for her, the man she grabbed was the soccer mom's husband.
"What the hell! You little slut!" she grabbed Glenda by her dress strap and is about to punch her pretty face.
"Shit." Glenda gulped.
Fortunately for Glenda, and Peter and Lois who were trapped in the fire, the last couple of days were soon undone by Stewie's time machine being destroyed by Peter before he could take Chris to the game.
"Ow, my foot! I can't walk!" Peter lied, pretending to be hurt as an excuse to avoid Lois' favor, "I guess you'll have to take Chris yourself, hehehehehe."
Author's Notes:
I assume in that episode that Peter was the only person in town who didn't know the person he punched was a woman. Hence why I wrote that Glenda knew.
The cutaway gag with Cleveland and Glenda also has a reference to a scene from the episode "Extra Large Medium".
The next chapter will be an original story.