A/N: Been a bit – whoops. Also, super sorry for not replying to the reviews from chapter 6. I didn't realise I hadn't until I posted it.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Title: The Past Does Not Define Us
Rating: T
Pairing: Theodore Nott/Hermione Granger
Summary: "I'm sorry." Those two words shot like an arrow through his soul and Theodore found that there was nothing he could do to stop himself from falling.
Warning(s): Mentions of child abuse and suicidal thoughts
Reviews:
xXMizz Alec VolturiXx – Thank you! (For both chapter 6 and 7)
hkronenb – Thank you! And I'm glad you like it! (From Chapter 6)
Chapter 8: Pretend
Hermione Granger begins to spend time around him.
She walks with him to the classes they share (and since Gryffindor and Slytherin share many classes, and the two share all of their electives, she walks with him often), constantly talking as if nothing has changed, nothing is different. Theodore, for the most part, remains silent and lets her talk – there's a light in her eyes that he now realizes had been missing for the better part of two months (ever since they returned to the castle's hallowed halls really, and he suspects that it had been missing for a long while even before then).
He can see how other things have changed though, the way that the other students make way for them to pass; he sees the way their eyes narrow whenever they see him with her, but they never say anything, not when she's there (but when she's gone and it's just him they sneer and spit, hiss and object, their words stabbing at his insecurities because he also shares their doubts).
Theodore feels a mixture of suspicion and elation about this – why would she, the brains of the Golden Trio and war heroine, spend time with the son of a Death Eater? Why would she, a girl so beautiful and fearless and awe inspiring, want to walk and talk and spend time with him, a boy unworthy of even looking at her? Perhaps she hopes for some sense of normalcy after everything (though nothing would be the same since everyone knew that Theodore could never replace the void which is Potter and Weasley, no matter how much he secretly wishes to), or even finds comfort in his presence (Theodore, however, severely doubts that anyone could find relief around him).
Maybe he has become some sort of pet project to her; the thought of this makes bile rise up into his throat and he quickly forces it away. He would rather not be a project – he greatly dislikes the thought of someone spending time with him trying to fix something that isn't broken (there is nothing to fix, nothing is broken, everything is fine).
He wants it to be genuine, he wants her to be genuine. That is one of the things about her that he admires; Pansy always called her too easy, too soft, too emotional, but Theodore is actually quite fond of this aspect of her, even if he never said so, even if he never defended her honor (and that's why he didn't deserve her, even in this limited capacity. How could she genuinely want to be around him? He was undeserving and a coward, just like his mother, unable to do what was necessary, just like his father had always said…). He wasn't worthy of her, but he knew that she wouldn't believe that if he told her.
Sometimes, she would ask his opinion on something and he, being the literary enthusiast he is, would reply back with quotes from muggle books that he had read, but never with a straight answer no that would be too easy. Theodore believes that books hold all the answers to her questions; books are easy to talk about and to debate over, certainly easier than conversations about opinions, justice, and war. Books were safe, unlike the memories brought about by pain and death, and Theodore preferred getting lost in those safe and secure worlds because at least there he could feel, at least in that fantasy he could pretend everything was okay.
"Have you ever had a normal conversation? No quotes, no misdirection, no prose?" she asked him once.
It was late November and ice was beginning to form on the window they sat by in the Hogwarts library. They were sitting together on the bench uncomfortably close in the small and empty corner (she called it Theodore's Corner and he didn't have the heart to tell her otherwise). Despite the coldness outside, the sun bravely peeked out from behind the clouds, shining through the window and turning strands of her curly hair gold as they caught the light.
His lips had twitched upwards for a moment (remembering the project back in third year, and his stomach clenched uncomfortably since it seems she forgot) and he had answered.
"Always be a poet, even in prose(1)."
Now that he thought about it, that's how it had been in class too; him never being called upon, but speaking in poems, limericks, and quotes whenever someone who wasn't a Slytherin asked him something (it had been a fun game back then; now, it's just another facet of his mask).
She snorted.
"What if there is nothing to quote? What will my poet say then?"
Theodore had shrugged, shifting uncomfortably, whether from the audacity that she would suggest him being unable to quote something or from her calling him 'her poet', he doesn't know. She doesn't notice. They had fallen into silence, reading the works of Shakespeare, Baudelaire, and Jane Austen. However, there was a feeling in his gut which grew larger and larger until he finally could not maintain the silence any longer – he needed to say something, anything (and he would later deny that he had finally had enough, that he had wanted something, anything, to change).
"The poet enjoys the incomparable privilege of being able to be others, as he wishes(2)."
The quote gave her pause. He hadn't looked at her, but he could feel her gaze on him, steady and searching.
"What about the poet himself?" she had asked.
He hadn't answered, instead opting to turn the page of his book resolutely and pretend that he hadn't said anything at all.
1 – Baudelaire
2 – Baudelaire (the full quote is "The poet enjoys the incomparable privilege of being able to be himself and others, as he wishes." Theodore deliberately misquoted the quote)