A/N: *holds up hands in surrender* Look, I know I have two other stories I should be working on. But I just wanted to work on this one.
The current tally is 56:36.5 I have huge numbers of uncounted votes piling up though so that number is subject to change and will probably do so as soon as I've finished posting this chapter but yeah. So far, Izaya's winning by a huge margin.
To those who have been adorable in their guesses about who Shiki's soulmate is, well... It's Akabayashi Mizuki! Yes, I too ship these wonderfully crooked gang members. Anyone who got it right before now, you have been or will be awarded an extra vote. :D
Now onto the story, because that's why you all are here.
This one's especially for you Kanra-chan. Your story always puts a smile on my face!
Enjoy!
Damnit Izaya, Namie thought, furiously dialing the number again and waiting, letting the phone's ringing fill the empty car garage sublevel. Stupid bastard thinking he knows what he's doing when he's clearly losing it. As always, she was met with Izaya's unhelpful voicemail, dictated in that annoyingly chipper voice she'd gotten used to.
"If you're calling this number you are either my lovely secretary or a certain underground doctor. I didn't pick up so clearly I'm busy. Or asleep. Or possibly somewhere in Ikebukuro that will go unnamed but you shall certainly see in the news tonight thought it might be little more than smoldering wreckage.
"Leave a message or don't. I probably know what you're going to say regardless. Because I'm just perfect that way. Tata for now~"
With a groan, she hung up and stared at her phone as if it might produce the irritating informant for her. It didn't. She was tempted to throw the device across the empty space but unlike her employer, she didn't have an infinite number of the damn things.
Probably getting himself killed because he isn't thinking. Doubt he even listened to me. Frustrated, Namie dialed the number again, intent on leaving a very long-winded message to vent her anger. Better than ripping out his throat next time she saw him. If Izaya was still alive because she doubted he'd been able to kill the blond.
Still alive, if Shizuo hadn't managed to make an egregious error…
The phone gave another half-hearted ring and Namie sighed again. She doubted the blond man would kill Izaya, at least intentionally, but then, according to Izaya the man had almost killed him anyway. It's like they're trying to make this impossible. God they're both hopeless. They were hopeless, the situation was hopeless, Namie's chances of getting out of this while it wasn't that bad were hopeless…
"Yes?" At the sound of the slightly scratchy and utterly flat voice, Namie almost dropped her phone. She hadn't even noticed he'd picked up.
"Izaya?" she muttered, feeling something akin to relief but probably more like resignation trickle through her. Snapping into reality, Namie spent a moment reordering her priorities before asking sharply. "Where are you?"
"Does it matter?" Izaya answered back numbly, voice still infuriatingly flat. And yet there was something in his tone that worried Namie, something that sounded horribly like defeat.
"Yes Izaya, yes it does." Drawing on every ounce of her patience that she'd ever possessed, Namie calmly repeated, "Tell me where you are. Last I talked to you, you were headed to Ikebukuro. Are you still there?"
"What, no questions about Shizu-chan?" Izaya responded with an attempt at levity that failed miserably. It was only then that Namie put a finger on the other piece of Izaya's emotions. Fear, he's afraid and defeated. What the hell happened to him?
"So I take it he's alive," Namie said, sending up a prayer of thanks to whatever god was listening. "Good. Now what I want to know is if you are okay."
"I'm in the small apartment I have in Ikebukuro," Izaya finally answered, sounded exhausted. "I- I'm fine." Well that much she knew was bullshit but she could address that later. When dealing with Izaya, it was as much about what wasn't said as what was.
"What happened?" she asked gently, frustrated that she was here and not there were she could be of some use. This is going to be far more helpful in the long run, Izaya can survive. He's always been a mess. "Did you not find him?" Stupid question, she knew that Izaya had found Shizuo, but she had to bait the Raven into answering, otherwise he'd skirt the question indefinitely.
"Oh I found him," Izaya assured her, voice tremulous. "And he might as well have just stood there Namie-san. He didn't even fight back." Izaya drew in a deep breath, sucked it in like a drowning man. "He says he didn't know about it. He didn't even notice the string at all."
How much worse can this situation get? Namie wondered. "Look, you'll be fine," she lied through her teeth. "Just stay in Ikebukuro where he can't drag you off of any tall buildings. We're going to figure this out, alright?" When am I going to tell him it's hopeless? Not, she decided, until she exhausted every possible option they had.
"Okay," Izaya muttered, but he didn't sound like he believed her. That was fine, she didn't believe herself. Namie just wished her employer would go back to his usual assholish self already so she didn't have to feel bad for him or help him. This was getting ridiculous.
Distract him. "What did Shiki have to say?" she asked finally, crossing one arm over her chest and using it to prop up the elbow of the other. "It seemed serious, maybe you should try looking into that for a while, try not to focus on the soulmate stuff."
Izaya let out a dry laugh. "Oh no, you see, that's funny Namie-san. What a splendid thing you should bring that up because you'll never guess what happened." Judging by his tone, she didn't want to know.
"Oh god," she sighed, already preparing herself for the worst. "What now?"
"Apparently, Celty's magic didn't just affect me," Izaya told her, for the first time since the conversation began sounding a little less hopeless. It was a nice change, though she knew it couldn't last. "Think soulmate epidemic Namie-san. Scores of people suddenly manifesting symptoms overnight for no reason at all."
Namie snapped to attention. "Wait, what? When? How many? Are there any correlations?" A buzz of something like hope entered her system. If others had been hit with the same problem, if they had a larger sample size, maybe she'd be able to discern what had actually happened to Izaya in the first place. Isolation of the problem could lead to a solution. It was a dim hope, but it was there.
"None of it started before me from what I can tell. No correlations that I can see." There was a rustling and Namie waited, trying to staunch her curiosity. "But then, I might be the correlation. After all, I do many dealings with these people." His voice fell a bit as he continued, whatever burst of stamina the matter had granted him draining away. "He wants a solution and I have nothing. How fitting, ne Namie-san?"
"Perhaps we have nothing now," Namie agreed, her wheels still spinning, finding a sudden abundance of things to gain traction on. "But we will. This is good Izaya, we're going to figure this out. I promise you."
"He never even fought back." She hadn't expected those words to come from Izaya, not given the situation, not with such deep sadness in them. "He just let me cut him, let me hurt him. He's supposed to hate me Namie-san, why isn't he hating me? Why didn't he try to kill me? Why does he care? Shizu-chan's not supposed to care, he's supposed to be a monster."
Sighing softly, Namie felt a stir of pity for her employer. She'd never made it her place to intervene between Izaya and Shizuo, feeling perfectly content to let them duke it out in the streets every now and again. Of course she'd suspected, wondered just how they'd react if one of them were to show genuine weakness, but she'd never said a word. Izaya, after all, wasn't kind to people who brought up Shizuo.
Namie would have described it as possessive, but in the most twisted way imaginable.
But now she was being dumped between them by Izaya's request and she didn't exactly know what she was supposed to say. On one hand, after witnessing a more mild state of the mood Shizuo was clearly in, Namie was convinced he would be more likely to help Izaya than hurt him given the opportunity, but on the other hand, the two of them seemed hell bent on making things hard for themselves. Something would happen, she was sure, to make things worse.
But for now…
"Don't be so quick to discount help just because you're afraid of what you'll find there, Izaya," she told him softly, not really sure if her advice was sound but willing to give it a chance either way. "Shizuo doesn't hate you, that much is clear. In fact, I'd say he's looking out for you more than you're looking out for yourself. Right now, you're the one making this needlessly complicated."
"But I don't want-" Izaya started to protest.
"You don't have to give in," Namie assured him quickly, waving her free hand adamantly even though Izaya wasn't anywhere to see it. "But maybe listen to him for once. Just don't kill him. Please?"
"I don't think I could even if I wanted to," Izaya whispered, and Namie wondered if she was imagining the tears at the edges of his words. "Stupid beast just lets me hurt him and tries to calm me down. We're supposed to be enemies, he's making things difficult."
Ditto to you. Biting her lip for a second, a terrible habit she'd picked up from Izaya, Namie took a deep breath and suggested something she'd never even thought of before. "Izaya," God, I'm going soft. "Until we've figured this out, I want you to take a break from all this. I don't want you working on Shiki's case and I don't want you worrying about the soulmate stuff at all. Just try and relax." He's useless anyway, I might as well handle it myself. "Please?"
"And do what Namie-san?" he asked bitterly, that sour note of inadequacy making itself plain. "Lie in bed and wish I was dead? I should be helping."
"Not in this state." Thinking quickly, Namie suggested, "Why don't you go to that sushi place you always order food from? It's near your apartment, plus it's not dangerous or stressful at all. I just don't want you getting any more hurt than you already are. I can't help you if you're not around to be helped."
"Fine," Izaya agreed flatly, and Namie didn't like it, how easily he'd given in. "I need some stuff from my office though. Will you-"
"Yes, but only after I'm done here." Looking around the still empty parking garage, Namie gave a snort of impatience. "The person I'm supposed to be meeting is late."
"Just as long as we find something." Without so much as a goodbye, which to be honest was becoming fairly typical of him, Izaya hung up. Tching in annoyance, Namie slipped her phone back into her pocket and crossed her arms, thinking.
Izaya was clearly in a bad place, that much was obvious to anyone with a brain. How bad, well, Namie could only hope it wasn't too horrible. He had sounded bad over the phone, like he'd finally broken under the pressure, but she had to press on regardless. She knew Izaya, he was as mercurial as they came. Changing like the weather from day to day. If she could give him even just a sliver of hope, there was a chance he'd pull through.
That or someone would have to pick up the pieces.
Is it wrong I think Shizuo would do it for Izaya without question?
Scanning the badly lit parking garage, Namie was unsurprised, if a little grateful to see the glowing text appear near her.
[Is he okay?]
Turning to face the newcomer, Namie tilted her chin up and said, "No, but then, you should have expected that."
Stepping out of the shadows she blended with so well, Celty held out her PDA. [I know that. I understand it's my fault. That's why I'm here.]
"Glad to see you taking responsibility Celty-san," Namie huffed, forcing herself to stand tall against the scrutiny of the dullahan. She'd never had the best relationship with the headless woman, but in this case, she'd had no choice. This was, after all, where it had started. Ground zero.
[He won't talk to Shinra.] Namie could tell at once that this was making Celty upset so like the good secretary of an informant that she was, she prodded.
"And?"
[And Shinra hasn't eaten anything since yesterday morning. All he's been doing is working himself to the bone. He just wants to make sure Izaya's okay.] Celty wrung her hands, and if she'd had a head, Namie doubted she'd have been able to maintain eye contact. Only worried for the doctor's sake, or because you actually feel bad about screwing with Izaya?
Unable to feel much sympathy for either Shinra or Celty given the circumstances, Namie stood a little straighter. "You let me worry about Izaya. I called you here for a reason after all." The words seemed to snap Celty back on track, allowing them to finally leave the previous conversation behind.
[You want to know more about what I did to Izaya.] Celty typed, her shoulders squared. It was clear she was prepared for this and Namie was a bit worried about what that might mean. How bad, how bad is it?
"Yes, I would." Uncrossing her arms, Namie's fingers twitched towards her phone but she forced herself to remain still. "I already know a fair amount about soulmates so spare me the speeches. I just want to know what exactly you did to Izaya."
[It's complicated,] was Celty's immediate response, hardly before Namie had gotten the words out. [Shinra knows more than me, obviously, but I can tell you how I did it.]
Well it's better than nothing and probably a whole lot more than Izaya expects me to get. "Fair enough," Namie spread her arms in a gesture of magnanimity. "How did you do it?"
Celty spent a moment ordering her words. [It's all about fate, or at least, that's what Shinra says. Everyone's fates are sort of woven together in a tangle of lives and I can affect this mess in some small ways at will.] Shifting, Celty asked, [Am I sounding crazy yet.]
"Considering I work for Izaya," Namie riposted in a rare show of solidarity. "Not in the slightest." Taking notes in her head, the secretary said, "So you're able to affect fate in small ways and one of those just happens to be soulmates? What, did you just sort of flip a switch in Izaya's brain?"
[In a way, yes, but it's harder than that.] Gesturing a little haphazardly, Celty continued, [When it comes to soulmates, those who have them are always connected to that person so in theory, you just affect that one connection. But because fate is already such a jumble, trying to affect one person is like reaching into a bowl of ramen and only moving one particular strand that looks like every other strand in the bowl.]
"But then how did you manage to affect Izaya so powerfully?" Namie asked, unsure how this was supposed to line up. "Shouldn't the effects be weaker if you can't be sure what you're doing?"
[Not as such,] Celty admitted. [Because I was touching Izaya, I was able to find his fate, but I've never done this before so I kind of just tugged at all the strings connected to him and hoped for the best. I couldn't tell which, if any, had to do with his soulmate so…] She shrugged.
"What you're telling me is you have no idea what you did to him or how much you've affected his fate." Namie felt the overwhelming desire to facepalm. Weren't otherworldly beings supposed to be better than this? She would have continued down this train of thought if another idea hadn't hit her suddenly. Mind reeling, her eyes widened. "Is there any chance that you might have affected other people's fates as well?" Namie demanded.
[If they were connected to Izaya, then probably.] Helplessly, Celty's shoulders rose and fell in the semblance of a heavy sigh. [Why, has something happened?]
"Nothing except the world going crazy," groaned Namie. "A whole lot of people are suddenly discovering they have soulmates and I have a feeling your messing with Izaya's fate is what triggered it." It made sense and it was currently the best theory she had.
Celty's posture deflated. [I had no idea. I honestly never meant to.]
"I know," Namie said, hesitating for a moment before putting a hand on the dullahan's shoulder. "But next time you want to screw with someone's fate, think a bit before you do." With those words she turned back towards the exit of the parking garage. "Thank you for your help Celty-san. You'll find the money has already been transferred."
Namie, for one, had her work cut out for her.
~•~
Shizuo was honestly starting to wonder if he ever made good choices.
Currently, he was standing outside of Russian Sushi, holding onto a string of fate that he could hardly see, hoping that he wasn't screwing this up. I followed it, I did everything I could, if this isn't right, I don't know what is. Of course, he'd been expecting something different. Why, after all, would an emotionally compromised Izaya be inside of a sushi restaurant only an hour after they'd fought?
How had he gotten here in the first place? Well, that was a bit of a complicated story.
After he'd gotten to his feet and stopped his shoulder from bleeding, Shizuo had been a wreck. Mentally and emotionally. He'd just seen Izaya break apart at the seams in front of him, who wouldn't be a little shaken up after something like that? Obviously he'd been doing better than Izaya but not by much.
He'd hurt Izaya, badly if he was any judge. He'd almost killed the man.
And Izaya had therefore tried to kill him. Shizuo, at that point, hadn't even disagreed with him. He deserved it. But in the end he hadn't been killed so he'd been left to figure out what he should do next.
Both Tom and Vorona had told him he should go home in their various ways but Shizuo had ignored them both. He'd been to focused on the pile of thread on the ground that Izaya had left in his wake. Now that he knew what he was looking for, Shizuo had managed to identify the place where it met his own skin.
Fate had felt far too fragile for something so unbreakable.
Shizuo had given it a few good minutes of his time, trying to break the red thread that seemed to pass through most things except for him. It had stretched like an overused rubber band, but ultimately even his strength couldn't break it. Hardly surprising but he'd had to try.
His next thoughts had been about Izaya, and what he could do to mend the otherwise irredeemable situation between them.
I have to talk to him, he'd told Tom, voice thick with worry. I have to make this right.
I don't think you can, Tom had warned, putting a hand on his shoulder. Shizuo had known he was right, but that didn't mean he was going to listen to him. He needs time to cool off.
Shizuo had shrugged Tom away with more force than intended. So he can hurt himself? He's not okay Tom-san, I have to do something! He's- he's…
Soulmate, Vorona had supplied, nodding like she understood.
And then he'd gone, following Izaya as best as he could. The string wasn't a difficult trail, though Shizuo had been careful not to pull it too hard. He hadn't realized until today just how large the disparity between his physical strength and Izaya's really was. Not until he found out that he'd almost pulled Izaya out of a building and to his death.
What if that happens again? He'd wondered, even as he slowly looped the thread around his forearm, only straying from his path to get out of the way of buildings. It had been slow, hopelessly so. He'd only started collecting the string he already had after he'd dropped his lead one too many times. But he'd persevered. Izaya was worth it.
Somehow, he'd expected the string to lead back to Shinjuku or possibly to another apartment in Ikebukuro. He'd never expected to end up here.
Russian Sushi had never felt so intimidating.
Taking a deep breath, Shizuo shoved his hands into his pockets and pushed through the doors.
"Shizu-o!" Simon announced from behind the counter, a wide smile splitting his face. "Back again so soon. You eat sushi today? Destroy establishment less, yes?" Shizuo was only half listening to the Russian, instead, he was searching the ruddy room for a familiar glow.
As if sensing what he was there for, Simon stepped towards Shizuo, a frown growing on his face. "Let us have no fights. Ignore other people. Eat!"
"Simon, get out of my way," Shizuo growled, though his heart wasn't in it. He only had one thought on his mind and that was Izaya. Looking down at the arm that had the red string on it, Shizuo followed it with his eyes towards its source, the back rooms. "I'm not going to fucking hurt him. Just leave me alone."
"Violence no good Shizuo," Simon insisted, continuing to block him. "Izaya not enemy. Izaya only fellow customer here. No more fighting." He put enough emphasis on those last words to stop a train.
"Simon, fucking stop." Mustering some irritation, Shizuo physically pushed the Russian man out of the way long enough to get past him and make it towards the doors. What he found was a bright ball of fire trying to make his escape. Izaya was already halfway to the back door before Shizuo even saw him.
Taking one look at the man, Shizuo felt a knot of regret and guilt run through him as the coincidentally shortened lead went taught and Izaya was pulled off his feet, unceremoniously dumping him to the ground. Even when I just want to talk I hurt him.
Slowly walking towards the man, not wanting to scare him further, Shizuo thickly murmured, "Izaya, please, I just want to talk." The Raven was already struggling to his feet, panic filling the air faster than Shizuo would have thought possible. God, I just ruin everything. Am I that terrifying. Do I scare him that much?
"L-let me go!" Izaya's order was tremulous and desperate but Shizuo couldn't comply, not when all he wanted to do was talk. How would they ever solve anything if all Izaya did was run?
"I'm not going to hurt you," Shizuo insisted, voice breaking at the edges. It hurt him to see Izaya like this, he couldn't even begin to explain how much it tore at him. Hell, he didn't even know why it hurt, only that it did. Just go back to being normal, stop acting like this. Drawing closer he begged, "Can't we just-"
"NO!" Izaya snapped, suddenly drawing a knife and pointing it at Shizuo with a shaking hand. "I won't talk to you, just leave me alone Shizu-chan, go away!" Now that he could see the man's face, Shizuo could see the mess he still was, the scrapes and bruises left untreated, the dead look deep in those fiery crimson eyes. What have I done to you Izaya?
Taking a deep breath, Shizuo did something potentially stupid. He sat down in the middle of the hallway, right on the floor of Russian Sushi, between the entrance he'd just walked through and the side door to the kitchens. Crossing his arms, making sure the coiled string of fate was visible, Shizuo said, "I'm not moving until you talk to me."
Staring at Shizuo with an intense look of objurgation, Izaya seemed to draw some of the raw pain and fear back into himself before curling up against the base of the back door. "I have nothing to say to you Shizu-chan. Leave me alone."
"Well that's tough because I've got some shit to say to you," Shizuo informed him, wanting to just pull Izaya closer and do something to make this better. But how could he when his presence only seemed to make Izaya worse. "And I'm not letting you go until I've said it."
Huddling up, putting his arms around his knees and hiding his face behind them and under his hood, Izaya mumbled, "Like I can stop you."
Shizuo's heart broke.
He'd seen tears, he'd seen fear. He'd felt Izaya shake uncontrollably as he yelled at Shizuo for almost killing him. This was different, this was utter and complete defeat. This was Izaya as good as saying that he couldn't stop Shizuo at all. This was complete resignation to the worst. He'd given up, he didn't even care anymore.
This is my fault.
"Fuck, Izaya, do you think I want to see you like this?" Shizuo demanded helplessly, struggling to contain the pain blossoming in his own chest. "Do you think I want to hurt you or kill you?"
"You always have before," was Izaya's only response, dead in its delivery, hopeless in its tone. Shizuo couldn't tell if Izaya was shaking but he had a horrible feeling that it was worse than that. This was nothing, there was no part of Izaya that could even fight this anymore. Yet still he glows with an unholy light, like the sun never could compare.
"Damnit I don't want to anymore!" Shizuo snapped, tugging at his own hair. His distress provoked little to no response from Izaya, who only curled up further. All the blond wanted to do was close the distance and- And make this better! Or do something. Anything but this. Anything but watch Izaya crumble. "I- You were always so strong, I just couldn't feel bad about fighting you before."
"So now you think I'm weak." Izaya snorted. How one could do this emotionlessly was a mystery to Shizuo but Izaya managed it just fine. "I already know that Shizu-chan. Reminding me gets us nowhere. You can leave now."
"You're not fucking weak!" Shizuo snapped, hating how the man before him could misconstrue his words so entirely. "You're only-" He struggled to find something that didn't sound derogatory. Unfortunately he didn't have Izaya's skill with words, didn't know how to string syllables together in such a way that permanently sounded like perpetual poetry. All he had was far too much emotion for the situation before him. "You just got dealt a shitty hand."
Red eyes gleamed in the dim light of the hallway, peering out from over the tops of knees clad in black jeans. Shizuo pretended like he didn't remember the ragged holes in the last pair of pants he'd seen Izaya in, run through because of the blond's careless actions. "Some hand, ne Shizu-chan? Karma is a cruel mistress." There was a wall behind those shining eyes, Izaya's shields that hid him from the rest of the world. Impenetrable, unbreakable even when his emotions were leaking out his very pores.
Except Shizuo could see through them, see right through to the deep pain and humiliation. The desperation and the destroyed fragments of hope that made up the man's fragile form. Three days is all it took, Shizuo realized with horrible clarity. Three days to reduce the demon of Ikebukuro to a frightened mess.
And it's all my fault.
But instead of saying that, Shizuo just ground out, "Do you think I want to be your soulmate? Do you think I want this?" His anger was irrational, hardly substantial. All he wanted was for Izaya to get up and challenge him instead of shrink away from him. "Fuck your idea of karma, I never did anything worthy of a life spent literally tied to you!"
"You've tried to kill me for most of our lives." Izaya murmured, voice surprisingly free of judgement. "You've hurt people since you were young. You've accrued millions in damages to this city that you're lucky they forgive." He shifted again, this time propping his chin on his arms. "This morning, you almost killed me for real."
Somehow, his impartiality made a strange sort of sense. Hadn't Izaya spent years praising Shizuo for acting like a monster. However mocking that approval might have felt, Shizuo was inclined to believe that at least some of it had been real. At least for as long as Izaya had been able to keep up with him, at least until this mess had started.
Now laud had shifted to indifference.
Like Shizuo had every right to pass judgment on Izaya.
"I'm sorry." Shizuo tried to pour every bit of those ugly and self-defeating emotions into that single statement. All of his guilt and self-loathing condensed into this small piece of penance, offered to Izaya like a heart on a silver platter. "I wasn't thinking, I didn't know. It all happened so fast and I- I-" He knew it had to be said for them to progress. Say it, just tell him. "Honestly," he paused, unsure if he could say it at all. It sounded so pathetic in light of what had happened, Shizuo felt disgusting for it.
But he said it anyway. Because Izaya deserved that much. He deserves a whole lot more than this but this is what I can give him.
"Some piece of shit said he was going to hurt the people I cared about." It sounded laughably noble, so fake.
But Izaya's arms came unfurled from around his knees and instead rested on the floor beneath him where he could lean on them. "Ah, of course." A small, rueful look. "You and your sibling loyalty." In a sing-song voice, Izaya trilled, "Yuuhei Hanejima can handle himself, Shizu-chan. You don't need to throw yourself at every common street thug who speaks bad of him."
"It had nothing to do with Kasuka," Shizuo told him, at last garnering a flicker of surprise from Izaya, who's eyes widened. There was disbelief in those eyes, but also something else, something that was ignominiously hopeful. "I never even thought of him."
A deep breath, like he was revealing some dark and terrible secret.
"I was thinking about you."
Something in Izaya shifted, just a subtle switch. Hardly noticable, his expression didn't even change, but Shizuo saw the effect his words had nonetheless. It was like his admission had given the Raven purchase within his own mind, something to grasp and hold onto where he'd had nothing before. Something about that look prompted Shizuo to continue so he did, not really caring anymore how stupid the words coming out of his own mouth were.
Only for Izaya…
"He said it and all I could think about was someone hurting you, killing you. You're not weak at all but after all this shit, I just- I couldn't stand the thought of someone managing to get to you. I… I just lost it." Running a hand though the hair on the back of his head, Shizuo dared to look at Izaya again, wanting to see how his words had affected the man.
Izaya's protective shield of his legs lowered as the Raven relaxed imperceptibly. "It doesn't change the fact that currently the window of my apartment is cracked because you almost pulled me through it." Again with the indifference, but now Shizuo heard the hurt behind the words and forced himself to deal with that blame.
"Yeah, I know. I've never been good with this shit." Shrugging, Shizuo held up his arm between them, the red string clearly on display. "I don't know the first thing about soulmates, I only know what Shinra told me and that isn't a lot. All I have is what I can see and all I see is that these symptoms just keep showing up. Fuck if I know why. They just do and all they do is complicate things."
"Honestly, I don't know either," Izaya admitted bitterly. "I've done research and my secretary is currently out talking to people who are purported experts. We've done everything, and yet we have nothing. All I can say for sure is that this isn't normal."
"Yeah well what did you expect," Shizuo muttered, managing half a grin that felt so much better than the lines of worry that had been seemingly etched into his face. "When Shinra starts messing around with his weird shit, you know something's going to end badly."
Finally, Izaya managed a laugh. "Ne, but wasn't it Celty who did the deed? Reached in and screwed around with our fate in the first place?"
"Do you honestly blame her?" Shizuo asked, raising a skeptical eyebrow.
"Not really," Izaya admitted, gaze dropping to his lap and to the red string that was just visible against his glowing red skin. "She adores Shinra. He asks her to do something small like this and she just does it without question. Love, it's almost unhealthy."
"It's sweet," Shizuo countered.
"It's dangerous." Izaya's expression was like the smack of a judge's gavel, ending any further debate. He wouldn't meet Shizuo's eyes, almost like he were ashamed. "And it's temporary. Yet people will do anything for it, which in turn makes it unhealthy."
Shizuo had to wonder how much truth Izaya's words held. Maybe, he thought to himself as his gaze raked over Izaya's somber face and unkempt charcoal hair. The demon of a god who never loved a soul understands it better than anyone else ever could.
"Well if it makes you feel any better," Shizuo muttered, a chagrined tilt to his head. "I destroyed Shinra's apartment to make up for the shit he pulled."
Izaya's glimmered with the memory of devilish glee. "Tell me you finally got rid of that god awful coffee table. My shins have been turned almost every shade of the rainbow thanks to that damned thing."
"Oh it's gone," Shizuo assured him, sharing in Izaya's ruthless enjoyment of Shinra's just deserts. "Along with the sofa, which I threw through a wall. And the armchair, which I threw through another wall."
"How very monstrous of you Shizu-chan," Izaya murmured, lazily smirking at him as if the past had never happened and they were just two friends sharing a laugh over something amusing. "What a pity, I rather enjoyed that armchair. I'd buy one but it just wouldn't go with my color scheme back home."
"You're unbelievable," Shizuo informed the man, finally able to see that delightful asshole that he'd so missed emerging from under all the pain still held by those eyes. Maybe I can't heal him, but if I can keep that look of fear from his eyes, it'll be worth it.
"And you like it, don't even pretend you don't."
Both of them spent a moment just laughing, delighting in the presence of the other, allowing themselves to draw some measure of comfort from the misfortune of a third party. It lasted longer than Shizuo had expected it to, but in the end, the mirth died and Izaya was left staring awkwardly at the string of fate coiled around Shizuo's arm.
"We need to talk about this, don't we?" Izaya murmured, face returning to that nervous expression. Though he'd known it was inevitable, Shizuo hated it. Wanted to bring back the moment of bright laughter they'd shared. But he knew it was foolish to cling to that fake peace when there was such a big thing standing between them.
"Yeah, that's why I came after you." Gently, Shizuo shimmied the thread off of his arm, trying as best as he could to keep it in a neat coil though the string didn't seem in any danger of tangling. "I can't have the thought that my next step might kill you hanging over my head and I won't make you deal with that. I don't want to hurt you again."
"That would be preferable," Izaya agreed, picking at the string around his ankle. Shizuo wished it was clearer, but it all blended. Almost gave the impression that there was nothing holding Izaya still, that he was just sitting there because he wanted to. "At least you know now. You won't be so quick to pull against it."
"No, but I'd rather there was something more." Shizuo gave Izaya a sober look. "I'll always be stronger than you, if I forget, I could drag you off of another building."
"I'll be staying in Ikebukuro," Izaya said, a regretful glimmer in his eyes. "Until… Until we figure this out, I'll be staying in a small apartment nearby. You should be able to go most places in this district without violating our limited distance."
"Good." Impulsively, Shizuo tossed the excess string towards Izaya who caught it easily. Though he knew he was handing the man his freedom, Shizuo felt it was the right thing to do. He was tired of hurting the Raven, this was a small step, but he had to take the first step sometime or other. "Just in case, I'll keep some extra thread wrapped around my arm, on the off chance you or I need to get across a room or something. Just as an added precaution."
Without looking up from the thread, Izaya slowly nodded. "Fair enough. I, in turn, won't go very far. It's not like I can do much anyway." There was another defeated sigh, then Izaya finally rose to his feet.
Licking his lips, the Informat fixed his gaze on a point above Shizuo's head. "I'm leaving now. We've talked it out and I see no point in continuing this conversation." When he lowered his eyes to Shizuo's, there was an intense bitterness in the carmine fire the blond saw there. "I… I don't want you looking for me Shizu-chan."
Unable to understand the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that he'd known was inevitable, Shizuo softly asked, "Why?" Yeah, drag it out why don't you. You fucking saw this shit coming.
"Because I can't handle you." Izaya's blunt honesty hurt more than a lie would have, yet Shizuo couldn't explain why it clawed at him so violently. "You're dangerous and in light of these recent problems, I just can't be around you. Once we solve this, maybe, but until then, please stay away from me."
"And if we never solve it," Shizuo asked, hating how Izaya's eyes hardened in their firm resolve.
"Then while this might be an inelegant farewell, I suppose it will have to do." With a wave that held little of his old jaunt, Izaya pushed open the back door and vanished into the alley, taking the sun with him.
For a second, Shizuo just sat there, unmoving.
Then, for possibly the millionth time that day, he softly muttered, "Fuck."
Because somehow, this hurt more than everything else combined.
~•~
Izaya hadn't expected it to hurt this much, walking away from Shizuo. He'd expected the break to be clean, he'd expected to feel relief. He'd never anticipated pain.
He'd never thought Shizuo meant a thing to him at all.
But as he walked away from Russian Sushi, letting the string of fate trail out behind him like some twisted metaphor, Izaya realized that he cared very much about what had just happened and that made him uncomfortable. Shizuo was just a beast, he was nothing but a monster. And yet Izaya couldn't help but wish he'd said something different to the man.
I just couldn't stand the thought of someone getting to you.
Damn the man for being so brutally honest, damn him for not having those comfortable pretenses and airs Izaya knew how to handle. Now, he was being forced to accept that Shizuo cared about him quite a bit and that he'd just walked away regardless.
It wasn't a thought he wanted to deal with.
Drawing in a sharp breath, Izaya tried to remember what his original purpose for leaving had been. Get away from Shizuo.
Then talk to Shinra.
He'd been meaning to. Honestly, he'd been avoiding it out of principle. But after talking with Shizuo, Izaya realized that he had to. If he could come to an agreement with Shizuo, the single most unreasonable being in the universe, he had to at least try and talk to Shinra. It was only fair
Besides, if he was being frank, Izaya knew that the man probably had all kinds of valuable insight into this problem. Stuff neither Namie nor him would be able to find in a book. A conversation would do him good. Not just for the sake of his health, but for the sake of his conscious. Because he had no doubt that Shinra was worried about him, it was just in his nature to be. Sure he'd perform all manner of experiments on anyone who crossed his path, but after it was over, he usually apologized. Especially if something had gone wrong.
A little late, but Izaya was willing to take it.
If it meant he could ignore Shizuo for a little longer, Izaya was ready to do anything.
Anything to let me ignore the clawing in my stomach that couldn't possibly be guilt because it's Shizu-chan and he almost killed me in the first place.
Shinra didn't answer the first knock at the door, or the second for that matter. Irritated, Izaya pulled a paper clip out of his pocket and neatly picked the lock before shouldering the door open. The hinges creaked horribly, giving lie to the fact that Shizuo had been there recently. Only Shizuo could turn opening a simple door into a production.
Stop, you're acting obsessed.
Except his thoughts were behaving as they'd always had which forced him to wonder if perhaps he'd always been obsessed.
There weren't any lights on inside, almost like they'd been forgotten. Izaya heard the sounds of flapping and could just make out what looked like a tarp, stretched over a gaping hole in the wall. Heh, the beast wasn't kidding. How kind of him, exacting my revenge for me in a much more bombastic fashion than I ever could.
The thought just lowered Izaya deeper into the pit of despondency he'd somehow become mired in.
Then there was a voice from somewhere in the apartment and Izaya started. "Shizuo-kun! Right on time. And here I was thinking you'd abandoned me just like my darling Celty. Hehe, just kidding. Is everything oka-" The doctor's voice died in his throat as Izaya stepped into the main room tentatively and stared at the man impassively.
"Izaya," Shinra murmured, almost as if he couldn't believe his eyes. The man was a mess, disheveled and manic. Working by the light of the hole in his other wall and his computer screen, Sinra had books and loose papers scattered everywhere. It was mildly pathetic, which only made Izaya feel worse.
"Shinra," Izaya answered, a bland look on his face.
Suddenly the man lunged up and caught Izaya in a bone-crushing hug that startled the Raven into squawking indignantly. "Oh my god, I thought you were dead!" Shinra exclaimed, voice awash with relief. "I thought I'd killed you with my experiments or that you hated me and were never going to talk to me ever again because I'd just cursed you to a life spent as soulmates with his enemy~ Izaya, I've missed you!"
Awkwardly, Izaya patted Shinra on the back of his lab coat. "That's nice," he muttered lamely, faintly confused. "I don't hate you," he tried, hoping to get the man to calm down.
His confusion became worse when the doctor's only response was to burst into tears. "I'm so sorry!~" Shinra wailed pathetically, his crying quickly dampening Izaya's shoulder. "This is all my fault~"
I should have contacted him sooner. Feeling guilty, Izaya carefully pried Shinra off of him and set the tearful doctor down on a stack of books that looked at least mildly sturdy. Finally free of his friend, Izaya pulled over the one chair in the room that seemed intact. Picking the book that was on it off, The Trouble with Soulmates the title read, Izaya sat down and faced Shinra.
"Sorry for avoiding you," Izaya said, calmly meeting Shinra's eyes. He tried not to think about the weak yellow light of the room and how it contrasted to the ethereal light that he'd watched from the other end of a dark hallway that smelled too much like old fish. I really just left, didn't I? Permanently.
"No no," Shinra assured him, mopping unsuccessfully at his face. "I should have known you'd be upset. I never should have done it to you. It was stupid. I'm sorry." Izaya wanted to roll his eyes as a dopy smile spread across Shinra's face. "But you're alive! I'm so glad you're okay."
"Okay is a stretch," Izaya told him, swinging his leg and watching as the glimmering red string shifted with him. "But yes, I'm not dead yet."
"Yes yes, and that's the important th- Izaya! You're bleeding!" Shinra's startled yelp was accompanied by a frantic flurry of movement as the doctor ran about his discombobulated apartment, gathering up dressings and bandages. With a huff he dumped them on top of a stack of papers before shoving Izaya's coat out of the way so he could get a better look at his arms. "What happened to you?"
Izaya opened his mouth with purpose, was about to say Shizu-chan of course but he found the words getting stuck in the back of his throat. It was an accident, ne? But that didn't matter did it? Shizuo, simply put, was the cause of his injuries. Shinra will just blame him. I'm only making things worse.
Like things can get any worse after what I did. Walking out on him like that as if that would solve a damn thing. I'm so stupid.
"Izaya," Shinra said tentatively, pausing in his careful cleaning of Izaya's road burns. "You- You're…" Biting his lip, the doctor grabbed for a clean piece of cotton bandage and blotted at Izaya's face. It was only then that Izaya realized that for what felt like the millionth time that day, he was crying.
Helpless, Shinra just gave Izaya a heartbroken look and murmured, "If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine. I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"
"No, it's fine. I'm fine." Izaya just closed his eyes and breathed deeply. He shouldn't be upset over this, distancing himself from Shizuo was for the best, there wasn't another option. At least not one he was willing to take. I don't need Shizu-chan's help, not when his help comes with such a pitying expression.
Shinra just returned to swabbing at Izaya's injuries, his expression somber. "Shizuo-kun's been keeping me mostly up to date on what's been going on. I didn't know you'd manifest more than one symptom. There isn't much about people showing two at the same time."
"Four," Izaya corrected bluntly. "It's up to four now."
Looking up from his examination of Izaya's palm, Shinra's eyes widened. "Oh god. Izaya, I'm-"
"So sorry, yes, we've just about covered that." Izaya didn't mean to snap at Shinra but it came out rougher than he'd intended. He couldn't help but feel frustrated with the man for doing something like this with no real idea of how it would turn out. It was just like Shinra but that didn't change the fact that Izaya was suffering for it.
Dejected, Shinra lathered Izaya's torn palm with antiseptic before wrapping it securely in gause. "My research seemed pretty sound. I wouldn't have tried anything if it wasn't. But then, I suppose I should have insisted Celty practice before trying anything. She's so wonderful at most everything but this was her first attempt at affecting someone's fate."
That loving look in Shinra's eyes as he spoke of Celty, even if it was to apologize for her mistake, it only made Izaya think of Shizuo and the short conversation they'd had on the subject. Unhealthy. Dangerous.
Sweet.
Feh, what does a beast know of love?
But can a god know any better?
Shinra's voice shook Izaya out of his thoughts. "Anything else I should look at?" Izaya thought of his legs and back before shaking his head. He didn't need this, he'd come to Shirna because the man might be able to answer some of his questions on the matter of soulmates.
"Okay." Shinra looked like he didn't believe Izaya, but that was fine. Who really believed a word that came out of his mouth anyway? "So, are you going to tell me about the symptoms you've been experiencing? Shizuo-kun did his best but his input was…" He pulled a face. "Less than helpful."
"I can imagine," he murmured. Noting the clipboard that had somehow found its way into Shinra's hands, Izaya impassively stared straight ahead and started recounting exactly what he'd told Namie the day before.
"I woke up two days ago now experiencing acute color blindness," Izaya stated, focusing on the patch of bright golden light that was attempting to creep in through the tight alley and into Shinra's apartment through the hole in the wall. "Everything was in various shades of yellow and gold." A breath. "Shizuo's eye color."
Shinra noticed the missing lilt of the affectionate nickname and gripped his pencil a little tighter. "I assume you went online and looked it up?" When Izaya nodded, Shinra gave a little laugh. "Well you'll never guess what I found out. It turns out that most people who experience the color blindness see the world in black and white except for objects that are the color of their soulmate's eyes. Most of what you hear is about the more extreme and rare cases where everything is the color of the eyes."
Izaya felt his spirit sink a little lower. Not like he hadn't expected to find out that what was happening to him was absolutely terrible, he just didn't like it coming out of Shinra's mouth. Meanwhile the doctor was patting a vaguely familiar book with a hand. "Some of the older books are more incomplete but that's just how it is. It's considered a newer discovery so not many people know about it." He gave a slight smile at that.
"And how is this a good thing?" Izaya questioned bitterly, expression souring.
"It's not," Shirna assured Izaya, but it's information, right?" With that, Izaya couldn't disagree.
So instead he just kept talking. "The next day when I was showering, I noticed that I had Shizuo's name written on my skin."
"Where?"
Then where is it, I-za-ya?
"On my thigh." Noting the sharp intake of breath, Izaya muttered, "Why is that such a big deal? You're the second one to get worked up over it." And Namie's explanation hadn't made much sense anyway so what was the harm in asking?
Shirna grabbed for another book and opened up to a confusing diagram. "Fate is connected to your soul which means your soul can affect it therefore soulmates and the symptoms are related to it. Lots and lots of unnecessarily long words, flowery language, you get the idea." Tapping the book, Shirna said, "As I've mentioned before, a name can literally appear anywhere but they tend to be on the wrist or ankle."
"Yes, you might have said something about that before." Biting his lip, Izaya waited for the inevitable fount of bad news to spill from Shinra's mouth. "Why is the thigh bad?"
"Not bad just… telling." With an awkward expression crossing his face, Shinra chuckled. "Depending on how powerful the connection to the soulmate is, the name tends to be closer to, ah, well you see…" Clearing his throat, Shinra thought for a moment then brightened. "Closer to the hips because only sexual intercorse gets rid of the name. It's fascinating, really it is."
Izaya was pretty sure the colors he was turning were fairly fascinating as well. "That's wonderful Shinra." All he could think of was the sprawling text on his thigh, telling the world exactly who Izaya belonged to. "Just peachy in fact."
"No, it actually isn't." Shinra tilted his head to the side. "Izaya, are you-"
"It was sarcasm but I fear my wit has been suffering. Shall we move on?" Huffing, Izaya continued, "Later that day I discovered that all of my clocks in the main room of my house as well as the clocks on all my phones and Namie's laptop had stopped working. All at the same time that Shizuo had shown up that day."
"All of them?" Shinra was scribbling madly though he looked concerned. "I mean, I've seen some things but that's pretty…" He trailed off but Izaya didn't need him to finish. Like everything that had to do with this situation, it was probably bad.
Finally shaking himself out of whatever horrified trace he'd been in, Shinra cautiously asked, "And what's the fourth symptom?"
Izaya sighed and wiggled his left foot, watching as the string moved with him. "A string of fate."
From under his breath, Shinra muttered something that sounded very much like well fuck. "So that's why you're all scratched up, isn't it. It's got a maximum distance, right?" Abandoning his pencil, Shinra started tearing through a stack of papers, scattering them until he found what he was looking for. "Of course, of course."
"What?" Izaya asked, even though he didn't want to know.
Thankfully, for once Shirna decided not to make things worse by explaining just how bad things really were. "It doesn't matter. I suppose I should have seen this coming." Taking a deep breath, the doctor crossed his arms and squared his shoulders. "Okay, now that I know where you are, we can now talk about why it's happening. What do you want to know?"
"Can it be fixed?" Izaya couldn't help himself. He had to ask, it was all he could think of. If I don't get it fixed, then I won't be able to be around Shizu-chan. He knew the limitation was self-imposed but he also knew it was for the best. Ignore the pain, focus on Shinra.
Looking down at the ground, the doctor softly admitted, "No."
Izaya wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He wanted to get up and actually follow through on his plot to poison Shinra. But he didn't. All he did was look up at the hole in Shinra's wall and mutter. "I figured as much." He wanted to feel sorry for himself. Just a little bit of self-pity or something.
But all he could do was think of Shizuo and the look of heartbreak he'd seen there as he'd said goodbye and let the door close behind him.
As if sensing Izaya's pain, Shinra waved his arms in a panic. "No! Wait, Izaya, I- I said there's no solution as in I can't make you two not soulmates. That doesn't mean there aren't potential ways around it!"
"Which are?" Izaya asked bitterly, already knowing the answer.
"I- I don't…" Shinra deflated. "I don't know. I've never seen it done. It would take magic but Celty doesn't have the ability to do something like that. I've already checked."
Lacing his fingers together in his lap, Izaya nodded, quiet. It hurts, I don't want to have to deal with this. I just want things to go back to normal for Shizu-chan and I. Why did I say that? Why did I leave? Because it was for the best, and whatever else might have been true about the Raven, he wasn't an idiot.
"Am I going to continue manifesting new symptoms?" Izaya asked at last, trying unsuccessfully to distract himself.
"I don't know." Shinra admitted. "If this pattern continues, probably."
"Are they just going to get worse?"
"I'd imagine."
"What happens if one of us dies?"
Shinra choked and reached for Izaya like he wanted to comfort him. Izaya leaned away, expression unchanged. It wasn't, after all, an unreasonable question. Namie had seemed worried about the possibility of him killing Shizuo, it logically followed that there was something there to be worried about. He had to know.
Finally realizing what he was doing, Shinra forced himself to sit back down before softly saying, "I don't know."
Izaya nodded. "I figured as much. It's not like most people who find out they have a soulmate do everything in their power to fight against it." No solution, no way out. The symptoms were going to keep getting worse and he was only going to get more of them. It felt like the worst possible scenario.
Probably, it was.
"Do you want to know anything else?" Shinra asked, his lower lip trembling as if he were about to cry again. Why even bother? There's nothing that we can do.
All he really wanted was to see-
"No, that's fine." Getting up off his chair, Izaya tilted his chin up in some semblance of the proud informat he once was and said, "Thank you for this Shinra." Taking another look at the disaster that Shinra's apartment had become, Izaya added, "You've done all you can, so stop obsessing. Get some sleep. Eat something. You look awful."
"Izaya, I-"
"Goodbye Shinra," Izaya said with finality before walking out of the room.
It was almost funny, Izaya couldn't help but think as the door of Shinra's apartment swung closed. For someone who knew that isolation was one of the first steps towards giving up, he seemed to be saying goodbye an awful lot.
But then without hope, why not give up?
So... *shuffles awkwardly* um... Like, I don't think I can write happy stuff in this story. It's a damn shame is what it is. A/N: I'm excited for the next chapter, but it will have to wait until I've written a chapter of The Users and The Used. Because that story deserves some love as well. Because I quite like how crazy this whole Collared!Shizuo vs Collared!Izaya debate has become, I've got another question for y'all for another vote if you so desire to have one. Which symptom do you think is going to show up next? But no pressure, no pressure. XD I'm being such an attention whore, stirring everyone up like this. ;) Except with such an intense issue, we must not let anyone's opinions be discounted! Laters~