Chapter Twenty-seven: Lightless
VesVes, Plankton, and Tiger's Eye had ridden a bus straight down a cliff (flying was not as pleasant of an experience as Hawk's Eye hyped), into the darkest place that Tiger's Eye had ever been in. Without the neon lights atop buildings and in streetlamps, the three would be engulfed in darkness.
Prowling through the Amazon, hunting and devouring deer, Tiger's Eye was used to the darkness. Unlike other tigers, he enjoyed hunting at night, so being in Rock Bottom was like home.
Tiger's Eye yawned. Even though PallaPalla had transformed him into a human, a tiger's instincts still lived inside of him, as shown by his longing to sleep twenty hours a day. Being plunged into darkness didn't help matters. Since becoming a human, he didn't need as much sleep. Humans slept only eight hours every night. What did they do with the rest of their time?
Tiger's Eye wasn't hungry enough yet; if he grew ravenous, then he might eat some of these fish. Fish weren't his favorite, but they'd do. Besides, his shoulder-length, goldish orange hair; sparkling, deep brown eyes; and lithe but muscular frame would charm these fish into doing his bidding. Fisheye, a former fish, showed signs of being attracted to him, gazing into his eyes, caressing his biceps, leaning on his shoulder.
Fisheye wasn't with him, though. VesVes and that shrimp named Plankton were.
Tiger's Eye had nothing against VesVes, but he felt more of a connection with his creator, PallaPalla. VesVes was fine, more of a firecracker than her sisters. Tiger's Eye was laid back, calmly hunting his prey until devouring them, so he'd balance her out.
Plankton, though…
Tiger's Eye looked over his shoulder, at Plankton battling the bumpy road to keep up on his short legs, trailing several feet behind Tiger's Eye and VesVes. Plankton huffed and puffed, pumping his skinny arms. With one eye, he must be struggling in this darkness.
"I know you can slow down a little," Plankton called, breathless. "Clearly, you can see that I wasn't built for running."
Which was why plankton were prey instead of predators.
Maybe Plankton would wind up being useful. Despite Tiger's Eye nearly crushing him when the bus turned down the cliff. Despite his screeching like a banshee as the bus drove down. Despite his holding to VesVes' arm with his hands and his mouth clamped around it, VesVes swatting Plankton away, slobber covering her arm.
Plankton tripped and fell facedown, crawled forward. Maybe not.
At least Plankton was persistent and determined, a contrast to Tiger's Eye's innate laziness—sleeping twenty hours a day was undoubtedly lazy. Maybe their team was stronger than they seemed.
VesVes raised her whip. "I oughta whip you into running faster."
Plankton turned up his nose. "If you hypnotize me, I won't be able to bend the robots to your whim."
"More importantly, I'll be hypnotized, too," Tiger's Eye said, "which'll make me less helpful to you. Trust me, you don't want that."
VesVes tapped her chin. "I don't have CereCere holding me back."
Tiger's Eye gaped. She was seriously considering hypnotizing him. Plankton, Tiger's Eye didn't care about, but he cared about himself. Besides PallaPalla and his sisters, his favorite thing was himself.
Nevertheless, he owed the Quartet his more enjoyable life as a human. Even if he was enslaved to the Quartet, he would gladly serve them, putting their lives above his own, because they had blessed him with this human body, a deeper life than hunting and sleeping every day in the jungle.
"Naw, I shouldn't." VesVes hooked her whip at her waist. "Not this early, anyhow. I oughta save your energy for tough enemies. Like those Guardians."
If the Guardians could defeat the Dead Moon Circus in their own territory, then what were they capable of underwater? Compared to the Dead Moon Circus, they understood exponentially more about how Bikini Bottom operated, could twist the environment to their advantage. Plankton had tried to explain how Bikini Bottom worked, but since Bikini Bottom was normal to him, he didn't know what to talk about. Even if Plankton was able to explain the differences and nuances, the Dead Moon Circus would still be disadvantaged. The Guardians had experienced Bikini Bottom, not just heard about it. They could work with instead of against it.
The three walked farther into Rock Bottom, passing a pufferfish.
The pufferfish's eyes brightened. "Ah, more humans. You must be friends of those other humans who helped me in Jellyfish Fields. Here to help with the robots?"
Great, these fish were gullible, too.
"I've never seen so many humans come down here before, though." She cocked her head, which was almost her whole body. Sizing them up?
Tiger's Eye flipped his hair, smirked at the female.
The pufferfish rolled her eyes. "I'm taken, sir."
His jaw dropped. No one had resisted his charm before. "By who?" he blurted.
"A man much more handsome than you."
He snarled. "Really?" No one like that existed on Earth.
The pufferfish nodded. "And he's not arrogant."
He stepped closer to her. "I have to see a picture of this guy." This pufferfish seemed to be on the older side. The existence of an older man more handsome than Tiger's Eye was impossible.
The pufferfish stepped back, holding a painting between herself and Tiger's Eye. "Don't come near me." Jabbed the painting toward him. She must be goosey if she thought that a painting would stop Tiger's Eye.
Tiger's Eye walked toward her, gesturing to himself. "Come here, you—"
The painting slammed into Tiger's Eye's chest, and he flew backward, hollering curses. He crashed into the sand, blood spraying from his mouth, slid backward, under a tall, sleeping robot's light, a fish standing behind the robot, waiting to use the bathroom. The robot startled awake, a siren from its head sounding. It whipped, facing Tiger's Eye. A blue laser shot from its eye, zapping Tiger's Eye, propelling him into the air. He spiraled into a trench, smoke trailing from his burned behind.
"Good riddance," the pufferfish said, VesVes and Plankton chasing, Plankton saying that he couldn't fly, VesVes saying that he'd better figure out how. "I'll keep waiting for my real heroes to arrive."
Patrick dreamed.
Of ice cream and cupcakes and chips and roast beef and chicken and pizza. Of playing in Glove World with SpongeBob, riding the rides, having the park all to themselves because, thanks to Patrick, they'd won a contest, and the prize included hogging Glove World to themselves. Finally, Patrick had won something other than that trophy he'd won for doing nothing. All because he had sat on the phone and butt-dialed a radio station at the right time while watching guys get hit in their giant heads with giant coconuts (the bigger the head, the bigger the coconut necessary).
SpongeBob and Patrick played hide-and-seek in Glove World using the rides and the food-filled concession stands. SpongeBob, the genius, always found Patrick because the starfish always chowed down on glove-shaped cotton candy, hot dogs, candy apples at the concession stands. Patrick could never find SpongeBob as easily since the sponge plastered himself on the underside of the docks, on the sides of ride carriages, shaped himself into a seahorse on the merry-go-round. No wonder Patrick had tried to imitate the awesome SpongeBob to win a prize.
Patrick dreamed of Rei, his other best friend, besides Squidward, SpongeBob, and Sandy. He'd spent the most time with her, played with Robo-Sandy with her. At first, Rei had always been mad with Patrick, and the starfish couldn't understand why. After all, Patrick was only being cautious around her. She was new to Bikini Bottom, and her name was so similar to Manray's that he had to make sure the two weren't related. Patrick had envious detective skills and a diabolical brain that even he wasn't aware of sometimes. Like that time it had turned out that he had thrown the peanut at the clam. Who knew that, with all of his own investigations, Patrick, the true evildoer, outsmarted himself and evaded justice? In the end, SpongeBob had been the perpetrator, but Patrick had himself going for a while. Heck, SpongeBob turning out to be the true culprit was a twist in itself. Innocent SpongeBob throwing a peanut at a clam? Blasphemous.
While playing hide-and-seek in Glove World, he noticed Rei standing near a concession stand, glaring at a glove as she poked her finger inside, lighting a fire.
"Hey, Rei," Patrick said, "are you trying to make a day light instead of a night light?" The light was never light enough for Patrick. "Or are you angry at the glove?" He pounded the palm of his hand. "What big, bad thing did the glove do to you, Rei? I can help you get revenge."
She twitched, glanced at him. Not sure what that twitch meant. "No, the glove didn't do anything, Patrick. I'm testing my powers down here. Seeing what I can and can't do."
"Mm. Since you're not doing anything important, can you help me find SpongeBob? We're playing hide-and-seek. We don't win anything if we find him."
"If you're trying to motivate me to help find him, you're not doing a good job." She mumbled, "What a waste of time. But I'll help you anyhow." So Rei and Patrick set off, searching for SpongeBob together.
"You know, Patrick, even though we have the most…opposite personalities, we end up working together an awful lot." A smile touched her face. "Surprisingly, we make a good team."
"Agreed. Once you decided not to be Manray, you turned out to be a pretty good human."
Rei deflated. "I should be getting used to the things that come out of your mouth by now." Why did everyone react the way they did when Patrick said something? He made sense, not them. Like SpongeBob, Patrick was a genius, so he knew these things. If everyone spoke simply, then everything would be simple. But no, they had to use these complicated, humongous, nonsensical words.
Rei and Patrick searched Glove World, not separating because Rei said, "If we separated, then we might lose each other. And I don't want to lose you again."
"Again?"
"Remember when we were in Rock Bottom and the robot knocked you unconscious by throwing your rock back at you? Michiru-san, Mina-chan, and I left you for just a moment and then a giant crane came out of the ground and snatched you up." She placed a hand on her chest. "I promise to never leave your side again."
"What are you talking about? You never left my side, and you never let any crane capture me. I don't remember anything like that, and I remember lots of stuff. Like what I ate two hours ago. A roast beef, chicken, some pizza… Anyway, we're in Glove World now, trying to find SpongeBob, so I couldn't have been captured or I wouldn't be here with you." Was he truly dreaming? His dream seemed too real. Could Rei waltz into Patrick's dream, like SpongeBob had done? Maybe hijacking others' dreams was part of her powers, too.
"No, something did capture you." Her voice became hazy, distant. "And I will save you, Patrick." She reached for him, but the pier between them stretched. They ran toward each other, both reaching, but the pier grew farther and farther so that they couldn't reach each other. The brightness of Patrick's dream fell away, leaving blackness.
Throbbing pulsed between his eyes. Hot wings danced in the air. He tried to pluck one down into his mouth, but the hot wings disappeared. Why did food always disappear when Patrick tried to eat it? It wasn't like food existed for any other purpose, so food shouldn't be scared of being eaten.
Wait, were his eyes still closed? No, they were already open.
He couldn't see.
Darkness surrounded the starfish. Patrick shook. The dark scared him. Why did darkness exist, anyway? Unlike food, darkness had no purpose but to scare people. No one liked to be scared.
Patrick patted the ground. Was he laying on metal? Maybe he was in one of those labs that Minako, Sandy, and Makoto had talked about.
Patrick shot upright. He had to get out of here. Simple as that, because simple was everything and everything was simple. But he couldn't see, compliments of the darkness, which made things not so simple.
Without a night light, he couldn't do anything. His eyes adjusted slightly to the dark. An orange-haired human lay beside Patrick, cradling his head. Tribal markings were painted under his left eye.
"Hey, you look like Rei and the others," Patrick said. Thank goodness he'd found a human friend down here. "Who are you? I'm Patrick."
The human growled. Rei and her friends didn't growl, even when responding to something that Patrick's genius didn't allow them to understand. Sometimes, things were so simple that one couldn't understand.
"Too bad I don't eat starfish."
"That's okay. Lots of things don't eat starfish. I eat lots of things, but I wouldn't eat me."
The human pressed his lips into a thin line. "Good to hear." He rubbed his shoulder. "Tigers aren't used to being this deep in the ocean." Roared out a yawn. "And I've never been awake for so long."
"Do you know how we got down here?" Patrick said. "I remember dreaming about pizza that I couldn't touch and then roast beef that I couldn't touch and then hot wings that I couldn't touch and now I'm here. I'd rather be dreaming about food I can't touch than down here."
"One of those robots made me fall down here, thanks to that pufferfish." He clenched and unclenched his hands. "Next time I see her, I'll chew each of her body parts slowly and torture her as long as possible." He barked out a laugh and then covered his mouth. "I shouldn't be too loud. I mean, damn, I can barely see, and I'm a tiger. Unless being turned into a human made my eyes worse." Blinked several times. "Ah, there we go. I can see much better now."
Patrick jumped onto his feet, grabbed the human's hands and jumped up and down, jouncing the human in unison. "Really? `Cause I can't see at all."
The human snatched his hands from Patrick. "Don't touch me. The only ones allowed to touch me are beautiful females. You are neither beautiful nor a female."
Patrick bowed down to the human, laying on his face and stretching his arms toward the human. "Please, sir, lead me along this path." He shook his head, scraping his face against the cold metal floor. "I know not where we be right now."
Silence. Patrick peered up. The human regarded Patrick, lips pursed once more.
"You're so annoying that I might have to kill you."
"I'm not exactly sure what you're talking about when you say 'kill' me, but I do know that Rei and the others are looking for me."
The human's eyebrows shot up. "Rei and the others? This 'Rei and the others' wouldn't happen to be a group of humans, would they?"
"Yeah. You look a lot like them. Are you their friends?"
A smile spread on the human's face. "Yes, I'm friends with them." He hugged himself. "I miss them so much. We were separated back in Japan. You have to take me to them."
"Gladly, Mr. Orange Hair."
"Call me Tiger's Eye."
"Why are you called Tiger's Eye? You're not an eye." Why would anyone name someone something that they weren't? Made no sense.
Tiger's Eye squared his expression. "So you're stupid. Either a good thing or a bad thing. I haven't figured out which yet."
Patrick waved his hand. "No, Mr. Tiger's Eye, I know that simple is everything and everything is simple." He fisted his hips. "In fact, lots of people don't think in the great way I do. SpongeBob taught me that when I tried to imitate him, that it was fine being myself. I won an award anyway."
"Good for you. The worst you can do is annoy me because you spew out so much stupidity, but you don't seem harmful." His mouth twisted into a fanged grin. "I can use you to help me get closer to the Guardians."
"All right, then. You must not be a villain because villains never say their plans out loud. Villains stay quiet all the time on The Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy."
"I don't know what that is, and I don't care. All I care about is being reunited with my friends. I usually don't touch ugly, stupid starfish, but this time, I'll make an exception." Tiger's Eye grabbed Patrick's wrist. "Come on, you."
"Patrick. I thought I told you my name."
"You did, you." Tiger's Eye pulled Patrick forward, through the darkness.
"Please don't let go of my arm." A shiver rocked Patrick. "I hate the dark."
"Never would I let go of you. Patrick." Tiger's Eye spat his name out. Must be a form of endearment. Tiger's Eye was starting to like Patrick. But everyone liked Patrick, so Patrick wasn't surprised. Even Squidward, although Squidward had weird ways of showing Patrick that he liked the starfish, like when Squidward shoved Patrick out of his tiki, or when Squidward yelled at Patrick. The octopus was hard on the outside but mushy on the inside.
Patrick's and Tiger's Eye's feet clunked softly on the metal floor. Whirring noises echoed about them.
Tiger's Eye cringed, hesitating. "Urgh, I hate machines. I sure hope there aren't any down here."
"Do the robots everywhere count as machines?"
"Close enough for me."
"Don't worry. Rei will save us. She told me so in my dream."
Another pause. "Dream, huh?" He snickered, said under his breath, thinking that Patrick couldn't hear just because the starfish didn't have ears, "VesVes will be pleased to hear this." He glanced at Patrick. "So, Rei can enter people's dreams?"
"I think so. Wait, if you're her friend, shouldn't you know this?"
"I do. But I was testing you to make sure you're her friend and not a robot."
"Ah, that makes sense. Y'know, I thought Rei was a villain at first, too. She was Manray and then I transformed her back into Rei. But her friends sometimes call her Sailor Mars." Patrick shrugged. "I'm not sure which one she is."
"Doesn't matter to me. As long as I kill her with my irresistible charm, I'm good." He scoffed. "That pufferfish doesn't have good taste."
"You mean Mrs. Puff?"
"That's her name? Yes, I suppose I'm talking about her. Can't wait to sink my teeth into her."
"Is that how you say hi to other people? Why didn't you say hi to me like that?"
"First, of course I do. Everyone loves the feeling of my teeth ripping through their flesh. Second, I greet only close friends like that. Maybe I'll chomp parts of you off once we grow closer."
"Ah, okay." If it made sense and was simple, then it was true. Simple as that.
As the two continued, the whirring noise grew louder.
Tiger's Eye cupped his chin. "I wonder why whoever brought us down here put us right next to each other and left us alone. You would think that they'd have a tighter rein on us."
"Beats me. Maybe there's someplace they want us to go."
Tiger's Eye raised an eyebrow. "That's the first intelligent thing that's come out of your mouth today. We could be walking toward a trap, but my masters equipped me well enough to defeat the Sailor Guardians, let alone whatever some robots have in store for us."
The two reached a rock wall.
"There has to be a way out." Tiger's Eye turned. A crane crashed through the wall, grabbing at Tiger's Eye and Patrick. Tiger's Eye yelped, scurried backward, slamming Patrick on his behind and grinding him backward, too.
"N-no wonder they let us walk a-a-around." Tiger's Eye ripped his hand out of Patrick's, shoved the starfish toward the crane. "You first."
"Aw, how polite." Patrick swung himself upright, facing the crane that grabbed at the air before homing on him. The crane thrust him flat on his back. It turned Patrick's head right and left, up and down. A strip of green light shot from the ceiling, passed horizontally over him.
Tiger's Eye gaped. "What is going on?"
"I don't feel anything," Patrick said. "How disappointing. At least tickle me. I like being tickled."
"Don't you realize the danger you're in?"
"Huh? This is fun. Fun isn't dangerous."
The crane grabbed the tip of Patrick's head, yanking him into the air.
"Now it's not." Pain shot from the tip of Patrick's head to his toes. He wasn't squishy like SpongeBob. The crane turned Patrick toward the hole in the wall.
"Patrick!"
Patrick rotated his eyes to the back of his head so that he could see. Rei, Sailor Mars, Manray, whatever her name was, flew toward him, a red aura surrounding her.
"Let go of him." Rei pointed her right arm to the ceiling, extending her index and middle fingers, fire sparking on the tips. "Mars…" She threw her arms toward the crane, and a line of flame shot forth. "…Snake Fire!" The fire exploded against the crane, reddening the machine. The heat reached Patrick, and he hollered, wriggling in the crane's grasp. Felt like he was going to melt alongside the crane. Patrick's vision blurred; the heat, the smoke, the pain from the crane and Rei's attack, all of it made him cry.
"I'm so sorry." Rei dove toward Patrick, not seeming to have noticed Tiger's Eye. If they were friends, they should've said hi to each other.
"Not so fast." Tiger's Eye stretched a hand toward her, and a light sparked in the palm of his hand. Rei's eyes dulled, like the life had been extinguished. Her aura faded, and she plummeted to the floor, a thudding noise reverberating. Sounded like she hit the floor hard.
The crane sucked Patrick through the hole, to a lab-like area, similar to the one Makoto, Minako, and Sandy had described. Many more vats stood in the perimeter. Maybe the robots had brought some of their old lab in Goo Lagoon to Rock Bottom.
Time for Patrick to save all the fish in the vats and stop these robots.
Patrick sniveled, inhaling the goo coming from his runny nose. He ballooned out his stomach, snapping the crane in half. He spun forward, rocketing toward one of the vats. Hollering, robots below scattered, some running in circles, barreling into one another and shattering.
He smashed through the vat, shards of glass showering about the lab and striking several robots, one shard piercing a Chomp-Bot's mouth and out the other end, the Chomp-Bot collapsing into a pile of nuts and bolts.
Patrick grabbed the top of his head, peeled himself off the floor. He had landed on a little boy. He stepped off.
The boy's eyes shot open, and he yelled, "All of my biscuits!" His eyes darted about, and he panted. "Wait, what?"
"One saved." Patrick swiveled around. At least a bajillion vats stood around the lab. If two fish were stuffed in one vat, then at least a quadzillion fish were stuck in the vats. Had to be a button somewhere that would free all the fish.
"You can help me." He jabbed a finger into the boy's face. "We gotta find all the buttons and push every single one of them."
The boy jumped up and down. "I like pushing buttons."
"Good. Then go." Patrick shoved the boy like he had seen Mermaid Man to do other young protégés on T.V. The boy fell on his face. "You're s'posed to fly." As long as Mermaid Man was powered by tapioca, pushing others made them fly, guaranteed.
Another crane broke free from the floor and hovered over Patrick and the boy, hissing like a snake. The crane shot toward the boy, would eat him if Patrick didn't act. Maybe another push would make the boy grow wings and fly out of here. Patrick shoved the boy, spinning him across the floor. A millisecond later, the crane clamped its pincers on Patrick's shorts, stretching them over his head, blinding him with green. The crane pulled him into the air. Patrick flailed, reached for his shorts. He liked his shorts, but not so much that he wanted to live inside of them.
"Find the button," Patrick yelled.
"Definitely. These robots made me lose my biscuits."
Lots of scurrying and scraping and banging and clanging and smacking and robot beeps and boops and crashes throughout the lab.
"Yeah, keep being stupid, you stupid robots," the boy said. "Lemme give you a play-by-play. Oh, Billy the Kid swerves, dodges more robots and makes more of `em crash into each other and break themselves. Oh, how stupid they are, more stupid than biscuits, which don't have brains, so they're really stupid. Crash, boom, bang. There go more, thanks to Billy the Kid's bangin' spin moves. He just keeps fakin' `em out. They kept telling me I was too short to play basketball, but who's short now, Mama? Oh, oh, he's getting closer to the button. Yeah, yeah." A gasp. "No, no." A scream. "Help. Help. This little boy's being abducted by a stranger. The danger." A shriek. "This robot with too many hands is carrying me and—" He broke into a laugh. "…t-t-tickling me." Kept laughing. "Take this." A bang. A thud. "That's how ya do it. There's the button. He shoots his finger, and push!"
The crane extended this way and that. The robots yowled.
"The robots are getting outta the way now," Billy said. "They're jumping and flying away. Oh, that robot with the umbrella is being stupid because he's not moving fast enough." Another bang followed by a crash. "Dang, right through the wall. That's what happens when there's a fast, deadly crane and you keep moving like a slowpoke. But none of those fishy robots or green tanks are being hurt. Yay. I think."
Another smash, the pants sliding off Patrick and floating downward. The crane had burst through the ceiling, into the middle of Rock Bottom Museum. The crane turned in all directions like it didn't know where it was. Lasers crisscrossed throughout the museum; the crane struck Patrick through one of them, burning his legs to ashes, a siren sounding.
His pain was quickly replaced by excitement at the sight of one of his favorite superheroes, the imposing Barnacle Boy, standing near the entrance with his big, Squidward nose and pale face and clammy, liver-spotted hands, gaping at an underwear-clad Patrick and the crane. His underwear drifted off him, draping over Barnacle Boy's head. Barnacle Boy peeled off the underwear and gripped it, white-knuckled, gawking.
"What," Barnacle Boy said, sounding like all the air had been stolen from his body.
Patrick grinned. "Hi, Barnacle Boy."
Barnacle Boy held his powerfully bald head. "Another day, another headache. Foolish Barnacle Boy, thinking you'd have a nice, calm night here."
Seahorses backflipped in Patrick's stomach. As the day went on, everything became more and more fun.