Chapter Thirty-two: Covert Operation
SpongeBob wanted to see this Mermalair more than Setsuna, Ami, Chibi-Usa, and Hotaru combined. He skipped ahead of the Guardians, toward Shady Shoals Rest Home, a tall building in the middle of Bikini Bottom, singing The Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's theme song. Setsuna guessed that a secret lair stashed under a rest home would excite anyone. Like Chibi-Usa, chattering to Hotaru about her adventures in Bikini Bottom. Hotaru laughed at Chibi-Usa's retelling of Patrick and Rei getting stuck in a chimney.
Chibi-Usa laughed, too. "You're laughing, but it wasn't funny at the time."
"That makes it funnier." Hotaru's hard but quiet laugh made Chibi-Usa laugh harder. Hotaru was a mysterious young woman, one of the most introverted people Setsuna knew.
The other one was Ami.
The Guardian of Water walked beside Setsuna, not daring to look Setsuna in the eye. Either Ami was afraid of Setsuna, or she was deathly shy. Likely a combination. Sometimes, Setsuna would concentrate so much on her research and guarding the Space-Time Door that she seemed unapproachable. Spending much time alone made her stoic and aloof.
Before the attack from the Dead Moon Circus, Setsuna and Ami had spent time together. Setsuna had taught Ami more about computers, the younger Guardian hanging on Setsuna's every word. Setsuna had thought of herself as only Small Lady's role model, but her heart warmed at others considering her to be one, too. Setsuna would do her best to guide Ami.
SpongeBob danced to the rest home's door, thrust it open. Eyes sparkling, he looked at the old woman pushing herself along in a wheelchair; at the table with a checkers game sprawled on it, pieces scattered about; at an elderly man drinking from a water fountain; at the menu hanging near the cafeteria's door. On the menu for six days of the week was meatloaf for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Thursday was devoted to tapioca.
A thirty-something man wearing a uniform—the caretaker—shook the fuzz-filled television at the front of the room. He fuddled with its antenna, but the television showed more fuzz.
A round old human sitting on the couch in front of the television snapped his head toward the group. "Is that the T.V. repairman?"
The caretaker deflated. "Aw, great." He stood, placing his hands on his hips. "Listen, if you're here to disturb us again—"
SpongeBob jumped, fluttering to a skinny, elderly human with a giant nose standing behind the couch, in a permanent slouch. "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy." His voice tingled with admiration. He hadn't stopped talking about them since leaving the treedome, telling the Guardians about the two heroes' perils, the villains they had vanquished, from a wicked manatee to a dirty bubble. Setsuna couldn't make sense of his babblings.
Everyone in Bikini Bottom, from villains to retired heroes, contributed to the city's unique culture. Setsuna was trying to adapt, observe how the fish treated fish-eating humans. So far, she hadn't felt like a foreigner, but the fish had mostly ignored her, compliments of the robots.
Meanwhile, she tried to figure out how Bikini Bottom defied physics, a subject she studied at her university. Perhaps some formula explained why. Bikini Bottom was a puzzle that Setsuna was determined to solve.
Setsuna wanted to pick Ami's brain, too. Ami didn't have much self-confidence, the way she shifted her eyes when she talked, her softness. Ami had become more confident since Setsuna first met her almost a year ago, but Ami was so smart, she needed to share and protect with her knowledge.
The skinny man stepped back from SpongeBob. "Uh, SpongeKid, didn't we talk about boundaries?"
"If we did, I couldn't hear you over your overwhelming power."
"Can he fix the T.V.?" the round human said.
"Allow me to introduce you to my favorite superheroes." SpongeBob rushed to the round human, the caretaker scowling. "This is the most powerful of the duo, although both of them are powerful in their own right. This is one of the ultimate superheroes, the majestic, almighty, yet merciful and passionate Mermaid Man." He scrambled to the skinny human, his legs blurring. A vein protruded from the caretaker's forehead. "This is the other half of the superhero duo. Don't let his youth fool you into thinking that he's weak. What he lacks in life experience, his power more than makes up for. This is Barnacle Boy."
"I'm sixty-eight years old, for goodness' sake," Barnacle Boy said.
SpongeBob patted Barnacle Boy's shoulder. "Yes, yes, we know, young one. There are some toys for you to play with if our adult conversation is too boring for you."
Barnacle Boy's face reddened.
"These are the most powerful beings in Bikini Bottom. Brought because of mermaids giving them the power to breathe and live underwater, thanks to a drowning incident. The mermaids also blessed them with powers to serve and protect Bikini Bottom. Their powers were so powerful that they were given their own television show, where their heroics were showcased for the masses to watch in awe."
Chibi-Usa whispered to Hotaru, "This is way too long of a tangent about two elderly men who can't possibly be as powerful as he's saying they are."
"Weren't you taught to respect your elders, Small Lady?" Setsuna said. Chibi-Usa recoiled. Must not have thought that Setsuna could hear her. "Do you think I'm old and past my prime?"
Chibi-Usa flushed crimson. "That's, that's not what I said, Puu."
"But that's what you meant, isn't it?"
The caretaker swiveled around, saving Chibi-Usa. "Are you here to disturb the peace, or do you actually have a reason for coming here?"
"Oh, there's a reason." SpongeBob batted his eyes at the two retired men. "To worship the greatest heroes who ever lived."
"So you're here to disturb the peace. Again. Look, you're distracting everyone from their games of bingo and their third nap of the day. You have to go."
Indeed, residents of the rest home were looking from their intense games of checkers and bingo, as shown by their foreheads glistening with sweat. One older woman had startled out of her nap, her glasses falling off. She tried in vain to bend over and pick them up, muttering about her wonky knees.
"Go," the caretaker growled.
"Hold on just a second," Barnacle Boy said. "He'll be gone soon enough."
SpongeBob's eyes grew brighter. "Are you gonna destroy me with a water ball to get rid of me? I'd be honored if you did. Please, hit me, hit me, hit me."
"Uh, no, not today. What I had in mind is you and your friends going down to the Mermalair and saving it from those robots. Somehow, they burrowed their way inside. I don't know what their plans are, but it looks like they're trying to use the machines for their own purposes."
Ami cupped her chin. "I wonder if they're using the Mermalair as a robot-producing lab. They might have crossed from their own lab to the Mermalair."
"That makes sense, Ami," Setsuna said. "That's a theory we can investigate."
Ami blushed, smiling softly. A boost of confidence for the admirer.
SpongeBob's voice deepened. "T'would be my honor to save the beloved Mermalair from those evil cretins."
Mermaid Man stiffened. "Evil." His head whipped to the right. "Evil?" His head whipped to the left. "Evil," he yelled, jumping onto his feet.
"Hey!" the caretaker barked. "I'm sick of you coming here and disturbing everyone and making my life harder. Do you know how much I have to clean up after you mess with everyone? You scare everyone so badly that they soil themselves. Soil themselves."
Once again, several rest home residents had startled, gasping, searching for the evil that Mermaid Man had spoken of. Murmurs filled the rest home.
"All the evil must be vanquished. I will begin by vanquishing the evil fuzz on the T.V." Mermaid Man pointed a remote control to the television and pushed the button. The couch on which he sat shot up, revealing a floor with a horizontal door upon it. The door slid open.
"Away we go." SpongeBob stretched himself into the hole. "C'mon, everyone," echoed his voice from the hole.
"Good riddance." The caretaker shot a glare at the Guardians.
"The old coot and I'll meet you down there," Barnacle Boy said.
"I'll go first." Hotaru walked to the opening, sat, and scooted down.
"Ever the lady, Hotaru-chan." Chibi-Usa sat and scooted, too.
At Setsuna's insistence, Ami went next, and Setsuna was last. They fell through the open darkness until their heels and boots clacked on the metal floor.
Ahead, the Mermalair stretched, like they were walking on a metal version of the red carpet but with gaps and a disco floor that lit up in different colors. What was a disco floor doing in a hideout?
Lights at the pathway's sides lit the area every few feet. The Mermalair's ceiling and walls were jagged, like a cave's. Maybe the Mermalair was originally a cave but converted into a high-tech lair.
As brittle and slow as they were, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy had made it inside the Mermalair. They stood near two computers with green screens.
Setsuna held a lot of questions that the duo might not be able to answer. Mermaid Man had lost a bit of his mind with old age, so he couldn't be relied upon. Barnacle Boy seemed like he still had his wits. Regardless, Setsuna's questions would have to wait until the robots had been eradicated.
"How did you get here faster than us?" Chibi-Usa blurted. Since she was born, she'd been pounded with manners but lapsed sometimes. She averted her gaze from Setsuna. "I'm sorry." She always did her best to behave perfectly in front of Setsuna, more than her mother.
Mermaid Man yelped, pointed at Chibi-Usa. "Evil!" A ball of water appeared in his hands. Chibi-Usa gasped.
Barnacle Boy grabbed Mermaid Man's arm. "She's not evil, old man. She's here to save us. Did you forget that quickly?"
"But look at her. That pink hair, those big ol' red eyes, that short stature, they all scream evil."
Chibi-Usa looked over herself. "I thought I was cute."
Barnacle Boy lowered Mermaid Man's arm. "Breathe, old coot, breathe. There's no evil. None at all."
Mermaid Man breathed deeply, wild eyes calming, focusing. "None, none."
"Right. Right." Barnacle Boy rubbed the inside of his ear. "Listen, ladies, I know you're new here, but you shouldn't talk loudly in front of Mermaid Man. His heart and mind don't work the way they used to. Actually, nothing on him works like it used to."
SpongeBob shivered. "Ooh, I feel the chills of justice leaking from your awesome presence. Heck, the world shook at your unlaunched water ball. See? My goosebumps have goosebumps and those goosebumps have goosebumps and those goosebumps have goosebumps and those those goosebumps have—"
Barnacle Boy tapped his foot. "Don't you have something to do down here?"
"Oh, right." SpongeBob's voice deepened once more. "To save all of Patrick's socks, which have been lost to Patrick's mindlessness. And to save my sunglasses from the wrath of Patrick's butt, which sat on my old ones. I must save my new ones before he sits on those, too."
"Isn't there something more important than rescuing socks and sunglasses?"
"Can you give us a hint?"
Mermaid Man shook a fist. "The evil robots. They must be destroyed."
SpongeBob whipped out his bubble wand from his pocket. "Ah, that's right. We're on it, my superheroes. Better yet, we can team up. With our powers combined, we. Shall. Be. Unstoppable."
"Actually, we can't vanquish the evil with our combined powers of goodness. It's Thursday, and we have too many doctor's appointments. Most importantly, it's tapioca night."
Barnacle Boy sighed. "Ah, fishsticks, with the doctor's appointments… And I have a shift at the Rock Bottom Museum as a security guard that I have to go to tonight. Darn, I'll miss the tapioca. They were supposed to have prune-flavored tapioca."
Chibi-Usa scrunched up her face, sticking out her tongue, reeling back.
"You don't have to be so dramatic," Hotaru said.
"This is genuine horror."
SpongeBob saluted the men. "We shall rescue the Mermalair from the robots, and they will not dare venture to the Mermalair anymore."
"The robots have taken over the Mermalair's security system," Mermaid Man said. "Go to the Mermalair Computer in the next room. She'll tell you what to do." A computer with a gender?
SpongeBob squared himself. "What an awesome responsibility you have given us. We shall not disappoint you. Shame you, yes, but never disappoint."
Mermaid Man pointed to the air and waddled as fast as his short legs could carry him. "To the doctor's office. Away!" Barnacle Boy walked after him, muttering that he hoped that Mermaid Man didn't start wandering around and frightening children again with his ramblings.
Leaving the Guardians and SpongeBob alone, with the robots, in the Mermalair.
SpongeBob shook, barely containing his excitement. "I've been down here before, but man, to be down here to save the Mermalair… I am so humbled, I could cry." He wiped a tear from his cry. "Gosh darn it, I am crying."
"This reminds me of the place my father kept me," Hotaru said. Setsuna's expression softened. Her father had done experiments on a sick Hotaru.
SpongeBob gasped. "You were trapped in the Mermalair. Oh, that's so cool." Sometimes, what he said to the Guardians when he had no idea of their past could be considered offensive, but his innocence kept others from taking offense. "What was it like?"
Hotaru regarded him. Michiru had done the same thing back in the treedome. The Outer Guardians didn't have to be obvious about their coldness. "Very cool."
"How amazing." He scrubbed his arms. "I have even more goosebumps."
Thank goodness the sponge hadn't asked for details. If Hotaru had told him what it was really like to be held captive by her father and experimented on, then the sponge would have nightmares for the rest of his life.
The group ran forward, SpongeBob at the head. "I know every nook and cranny of the Mermalair. The fan guide to The Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy details everything about the Mermalair. There's nothing that can—" He stepped on one of the red squares on the disco floor. SpongeBob yowled, shooting upward, smoke billowing from his shoes, the smell of burnt leather filling the area. He fell toward one of the holes at the side. Setsuna reached, grabbed the sponge's hand. She staggered, about to fall with the sponge.
"Puu!" Short arms wrapped around her waist, pulled her up along with SpongeBob.
Setsuna righted herself, placed SpongeBob on the floor. Thankfully, SpongeBob was light, or else he would've fallen and taken Setsuna with him.
Chibi-Usa didn't let go of her. "Are you okay?" Her eyes were wide with worry.
Setsuna couldn't help but chuckle.
She stomped on the ground but tightened her embrace. "This isn't funny. Something awful could've happened to you and SpongeBob if you'd fallen."
"I only lost my balance, Small Lady. Nothing serious."
"But are you okay?"
She suppressed another chuckle. Didn't want to offend the hyper-protective Chibi-Usa more. "I'm okay."
Chibi-Usa glared. "If you're gonna laugh every time I try and save you, then I won't save you again. I'll let you fall into oblivion."
Hotaru stood at the edge of the metal floor, near the place in which Setsuna had stood. "Where does this pit lead to, SpongeBob?"
SpongeBob stepped to Hotaru's side. "Rumor has it that there are giant sharks down there. Or more powerful versions of Mermaid Man's and Barnacle Boy's attacks to destroy anyone who dares fall. Still others say that the underground area of the underground Mermalair is filled with Orbs of Confusion, which confuse anyone who touches them."
Ami cocked her head. "An underground for the underground?"
Chibi-Usa shuddered. "Those Orbs of Confusion sound awful. I hope we don't see them."
"Ah, but used the right way, they're powerful weapons."
If they found members of the Dead Moon Circus and happened to have access to an Orb of Confusion, they could confuse their enemies.
"You guys are looking at each other again."
"Sorry, SpongeBob," Ami said. "We were planning in our heads."
"Like, telepathically? You're almost as cool as Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy."
"Were we all thinking the same thing, though?" Chibi-Usa said. "I mean, we do look at each other a lot, but I could be thinking of cats while Puu's thinking of the Space-Time Door."
"I'm not that deep, Small Lady. I could be thinking of why physics work the way that they do while you think of your past life."
Chibi-Usa sunk. "That…doesn't help your argument."
"Fine," Hotaru said. "Let's not look at each other again."
The group stood in front of the disco floor, which hummed each time its squares lit up, becoming yellow and then darkening to red.
"Guess we found out the hard way not to touch the red squares," Chibi-Usa said.
SpongeBob kicked the floor. "I knew it, too, but in my excitement, I charged ahead."
Even though the disco floor stretched across the width of the metal floor, the patterns changed slowly, giving the group time to run across it. Also ahead of the group was a raised platform, where, at its sides, two poles intermittently pulsed electricity between them.
"Another example of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's ingenious." SpongeBob pointed at the poles. "Those are power generators, designed to keep villains at bay. Only the few and brave can get past those generators. Which, apparently, include the robots. They must be smarter than Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy anticipated."
The power generator pulsed energy slowly, giving infiltrators plenty of time to trespass. Easier if the infiltrator could fly.
The group climbed the platform, Chibi-Usa struggling and letting Setsuna help her up. Chibi-Usa did things that made her seem helpless to get Mamoru's and Setsuna's attention. Any excuse to spend more time with Chibi-Usa was fine with Setsuna.
As soon as they passed the power generators, SpongeBob staggered to a stop, eyes sharpening. The first time Setsuna had seen aggression from the sponge.
Ahead stood a robot holding a doghouse…? The robot was clad in cowboy boots and a cowboy hat, completing the persona with a thick, curly mustache (these robots grew hair?). Smaller doglike robots yipped about, nipping and sniffing at the metal floor.
A bungee cord descended from the darkness above. At the end of the cord was a hook holding a square yellow cleaning sponge. One dog-bot jumped, chomping on the corner of the sponge and then exploding, taking a chunk of the sponge with it. Another jumped and then chomped another corner, burst, creating another hole in the sponge. The third did the same. The cowboy robot, Arf, who commanded the dog-bots, hurled a pebble at the last bit of the hanging sponge, and the bungee cord ascended, disappearing in the darkness.
"One of the infiltrators that must be vanquished." SpongeBob wheeled his arm, blew into his bubble wand, and a bubble bowling ball expanded in his hand. "How dare they defile the sacred ground called the Mermalair. I will end them all so they can no longer unleash their tyranny upon this land." Now SpongeBob was just speaking strangely.
SpongeBob bowled the ball as a dog-bot leaped from its doghouse, maw wide open. The ball bowled over the dog-bot, flattening it. A bubble flattening a robot. Setsuna had to figure out how and why this world worked.
The ball slammed into the Arf's leg, and the robot jumped, clutching its ankle. It floated back, away from the group, and cast out more dog-bots from its doghouse.
"My bubble bowl can't get out there." SpongeBob whisked his bubble wand over his head, and a bubble helmet expanded. "So I'll have to get out there."
Ami reached for SpongeBob. "SpongeBob, no!"
The helmet's rockets propelled the sponge toward the Arf and the dog-bots. Ami jumped into action. Usually, she wasn't the one to act first, preferring to stay in the background and think. That's what Setsuna liked the most about Ami. Now, Ami was acting like Sailor Jupiter when Sailor Mercury wasn't designed to act like Sailor Jupiter.
A hat-donning bubble stood at the top of the stairs, one of which the Arf had landed upon. Despite having no mouth and being a bubble, it cheered on SpongeBob and the Guardians.
SpongeBob's favorite superheroes had lost their wits too much, thinking that a live bubble could defeat these robots.
Perhaps it could. SpongeBob's bubble attacks regularly defeated robots.
"Mercury Aqua Mist!" A mist beat down on the group. At least Ami was being tactical. "Shine Snow Illusion!" An ice storm burst from her hands, toward the robots, freezing the dog-bots and the Arf.
"Mercury…" She outstretched her arms once more, and water swelled in her hands. "…Aqua Mirage!" The jets of water burst forth, swirled around the dog-bots and the Arf and squeezed. The dog-bots exploded; the Arf struggled for several seconds before exploding.
But SpongeBob kept flying.
Ami had been so focused on defeating the robot to gain Setsuna's already gained favor that she'd forgotten about SpongeBob.
He flailed. He may like the Mermalair, but he didn't like it so much that he wanted to fall in it.
"Yay, I'm falling into the trench," SpongeBob said. "I wonder what's down there." Maybe he did want to fall.
The standing bubble danced to the side, dodging SpongeBob. "Sorry, SpongeBob. I'd catch ya, but, well, things probably wouldn't end well for me." A bubble with more common sense than most humans.
SpongeBob flew into a rainbow funnel sticking out of the trench. His giddy screams reverberated.
Ami flew toward SpongeBob. She'd been the one to cause the sponge's attack to fail, to not consider SpongeBob. Perhaps she thought it best if she saved him.
Ami's plan to impress Setsuna had backfired. Ami was trying to lose what Setsuna liked most about her, what made Ami unique and beautiful.
The funnel began flashing. Thanks to Ami, everyone was in danger.